I hate how that quintessential part of me is gone
that I can appreciate a harmony or a triad
but don't make them anymore
who am I, really, without that part of me?
there's so much I'm missing
and I don't have the courage to hit the keys again
but I just want to be part of your symphony
and I'll do whatever it takes
to feel that again

It's funny. They say with progression comes ease of life. However, this has not proved to be true.
Straight A's? Check. But a 97 on a test tanks my average since it's currently at 100.
Working out every day? Covered. But now that I've lost so much weight my clothes don't fit.
Internships? Got them. But the work they're taking leaves me exhausted and unable to maintain the idea of finding a job right now because I haven't the time.

Success is great. But don't ever let them tell you that there isn't a bad side. Even relatively.

I just want an 85 to feel like a victory again, one day of working out to be enough to go out and get ice cream for, to be able to make money for myself.

But god, why does swimming feel like drowning?

just because i've finally got a handle on life doesn't mean i can go back and redeem what i've lost.
but just so you know, i'm a different person.
whoever you are. even if you're just the void. someone has to know.
i know now what it feels like to talk to someone to victimizes herself in every situation, who pushes off her pain onto someone else, who looks to you to make decisions then blames you for them later.
i know that girl, now.
it's an out of body experience.
and hell, i get it now.
*******.
i can't believe you were able to stand me.
and good on you for not.
so void, black hole of nothingness, ask them. ask me.
i've ******* changed.
and you know what's even better? i don't need your validation, and not in a rude way.
i'm just finally here to validate myself instead of stealing it from your bruised lips.
because i'm me and i'm strong and i'm here if you need me.
but if not?
i'll be okay.
and it feels so ******* good to say that i don't need to worry anymore.
so call if you need me. hang up if you don't.

my roommate told me i was talking in my sleep
again
when i woke up i checked my phone and was surprised to see that the messages we had exchanged weren't actually there
i had a ******* dream about you last night
it felt so real i could almost feel your eyes on me as i laid in bed wondering what the hell could have caused it
for the first time in a while i have my **** together
and now i just keep waiting for that dream to be reality
don't blame me for checking
i've got nothing to lose