it's no small wonder, watching birds learn to fly.

there's a small nest on the ledge outside my dorm window, and the chirping of the mothers wakes me up on the earliest of days. i'd be lying if i said i was overjoyed at the occurence, especially on the days when i have early class.
but then came the babies.

like me, they were cold and afraid in a completely new environment.
like me, they were scared to death of every person walking by.
like me, they had no clue how to fly.
but like me, they learned.

i live somewhere else now, and still get woken up by the birds. i can't help but wonder sometimes if they're the babies that learned to fly on the ledge outside my room around the same time that i did, stroke by wobbly stroke through the turbulent air. it's amazing how much they've grown. i'm so proud of them.

likewise, i'm proud of myself. i made it through the first year of college-bad grades, no friends, drama, and adjusting to being by myself a lot was a really hard transition. once i left the nest, that was it. and it was terrifying. but i've learned to fly since those days, and despite a badly paying job, no friends in the area, and being down on myself, i'm still hovering above the ground. that's no small accomplishment.

it's no small wonder, watching birds learn how to fly.

we all just hide behind the facade of a screen when reality
you're just down the road, really

did you ever stop to wonder what could've become if i hadn't been an idiot, if situations hadn't arisen, if we had all been stronger?

you never realize how crazy growing up is until it slaps you in the face and i wish someone had taught me how to before i had to learn myself
and i wish you had been here to help me through it and so that i could help prepare you so that you didn't have to go through what i did

i still wish i could protect you, even though i know you don't need protection
it's funny, really, how things have changed so much that they've come full circle
and we're back to the people that we were before
and back here

but really, who's to say we haven't been shrews this whole time, who's to say that you haven't totally forgotten? everything was forgiven anyways

but even though i forgive i never forget. not the good times, nor the bad. not the smiles, not the panic attacks, none of it.

so perhaps i'm the most gilded shrew out of all of us
trying to convince myself that i'm gold covered
when i'm really not

am i the only one who routinely checks to see if you've come back
to see if perhaps that was all a two year long nightmare and everything is okay?
i hope not but i know so.

She sat. And she waited.
The crowds were about to roar themselves into existence within the thin blue air next to her, but that did not cause her to fear.

show her all my words.
complain that i've really outdone myself this time, that i've officially broken you into a thousand pieces.
but you know that it isn't me and that as much as the past attributed to so much of the anxiety i feel on a daily basis in so many parts of my life that i feel defective and sometimes want to die because of, i bear you and no one else no ill will.
but i don't doubt that by now all my words and all my truth have been passed on to her screen, and that you feel i'm out to get you.
i'm doing what i should've done a long time ago, protecting myself and my happiness.
i won't let you, unable to let go of something that happened in the past and ended for good reason, tear me up over something that any unselfish person would let go of for the sake of the sanity of those others involved.
i won't let my anxiety and insecurities, half of which are caused by you, ruin my relationship.
i won't let this rule my life.
and you shouldn't either. it isn't healthy. and i'm nice enough to not feel the need to constantly be depressed and upset and blame you or myself about what happened. because i'm actively trying to fix things and move on in as healthy a way as i can.
so tell her, show her all my words if that will console your conscience. i don't care. i lost her because of you anyways, but unlike you, we ended on good, civil, and honestly heartwarming terms, and i still check in on her anonymously to make sure shes doing okay. because i know she's not toxic.
i had just hoped at this point you would care enough about you and your acquiantances to make your problems just that; yours, and yours alone.
but show her, if it brings you comfort.
and while you're at it, tell her i say hi, and good luck in college. i know she'll be massively successful, and i believe in her every step of her journey.
and the same goes to you.
just fix yourself.

I never lied as a kid.
I was the one everyone knew would take little to no disciplining, the one who was born mature.
How I let myself go, how I let myself change to accomodate someone in a negative way, I will never know.
And perhaps I'll never forgive myself.
I could never hate any of the people who illicited bad experiences in my life, simply because they've made me into a stronger person.
But complaining that I never did enough, that I've permeated your life in a negative way when we don't even talk, it makes no sense.
I'm not actively seeking to hurt anyone. I don't even talk to you anymore.
The difference is, I'm not a child anymore like I was when I knew you.
I don't care anymore.
People who can't get over the past, those who hold onto it and complain about it without actually trying to fix it, those are the people I will never give the time of day.
How could someone unwilling to make themself better for someone else's sake and for their own sake be appealing to speak to? To laugh with? To cry with?
They drag people down.
And I finally care about myself enough to root out the ones who need work. And I don't feel guilty.
I'm growing self esteem.
And the lies have expired.
For good.

Blaming someone for addictions doesn't just do nothing, have no effect.
I have always disdained the idea of cigarettes, drugs, and lies. Always. I will never know how you lowered my standards forcibly enough to tell me it was my fault for not helping to get you off them and when I tried that it was my fault for making you anxious.
Anyone could have helped you. You could have helped you.
But you leaned solely on me and bit me when I tried to give you what you needed.
My mom always told me cigarettes were bad, that they stunted your lifespan, that drugs got you into legal trouble, and lies lost you those closest to you.
How did I somehow acquit you of all three of those charges...and blame myself when you refused to face it, how did I poison myself into thinking your choices were my fault?
My roommate likened it to her ****** abuse she faced when she was younger. She blamed herself for not saying no enough. I feel like I didn't tell you emphatically enough, but every time I told you it was bad that you were doing it again, immediately I was the villain and you cajoled me into apologizing by saying that it made you too anxious to think about or try to resolve.
But that you would be better.
You never were.
Being in college, that holy trinity of sorts is what stems all my fears. Cigarettes, drugs, and lies run my anxiety, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for letting you make me think it was my fault you couldn't fix yourself.
The difference between us is, I'm going to fix the impression you had on me.
But it seems you'll never fix the hole those three left in you.
If you had, perhaps the past would be different.