If I had killed myself today,
Would you have killed yourself tomorrow?
If I told you to leave me,
Would you stay?
If I drowned in the tub,
Would you drown yourself in sorrow?
If I told you to shut up,
What would you say?

Would you make me feel better?
Would you answer my cries?
Though I don't know if you could because,

I don't feel the way I used to.
No I don't feel the same anymore.
I don't feel the way that I used to.
No my life has become such a bore.

If I was with another,
Would it hurt you?
If I chose to walk away,
Would you come?
I don't feel the way,
That I used to.
Living in this world is no fun.

I don't feel the way I used to.
No I don't feel the same anymore.
I don't feel the way I used to.
Everything's much worse than before.

I don't feel the way that I used to.
I'm sorry for what happened before.
I don't feel the way I used to.
No I don't feel the same anymore.
I don't feel the way I used to.
No I don't wanna feel anymore.

Paint the town black and it'll fit right in with my soul
If I even have one that is, I guess I just don't know
I often feel like there's something wrong with my mind
Everyone tells me that I am just wasting my time,
That I'm wasting my life

Kicking and screaming and fighting and crying all night
Scratching and tearing my skin until I stop my fight
I'm done trying tonight
Guess I'm done trying at life

I'm just a scared little girl who doesn't know what to do
In my scared little world reaching outward to you
But you won't help me
And I don't deserve it
I'm worthless
Not a single purpose
Just hurting

You say that you don't mean the bad things that I hear from you
I guess you don't but sometimes I really want you to
I love all the pain but I hate how it makes me cry
Because I know I love it but you think that that's not alright

I'm just a scared little girl with no one to hold onto
In my scared little world wishing I could just be held by you
But you won't let me
Even if I need it

I'm tired of wanting the fire to burn me up inside
The burn would clear up my lungs, my bones and my mind
Clear my skin of it's bruises
The bruises would fade
My day fades away
My soul finally feels safe at home
Even though homes where the heart is
And you said I was heartless

I guess home is where my art is
I guess my home is in the darkness
And you won't come inside
Though I try and I try
To welcome you in my life

i.

It’s the late 1990′s and you’re a kid

You’re skipping down the path in the garden called memory lane

Holding your mother’s hand

Suddenly you trip and fall

You see the lacerations across your knee that sting for days when you try to shower

For the path in the garden of memory lane has tripped you over by your nimble child legs

Wounding you temporarily

ii.

It’s the present day and you’re a grown woman

You’re walking down the rocky road  called adulthood, wringing your own hands together in frustration

Your husband was found dead in a crashed car with another woman

Drunk driving and infidelity do not mix

You don’t see lacerations anywhere

Nor feel the ache of wounds that sting for days when you try to shower

For the rocky road whose name is adulthood has tripped you over by your last legs

Wounding your heart instead

For life

It's been a long time since I've been to church

My horns are starting to grow back again

I'm back, *******

Well, well...

Missed me?

Relax. There's plenty of me to go around

Enough to keep you coming back for seconds

That's all I ever do.

The thing about a Jezebel is that she's been through stuff

So she's more streetwise and seasoned

With fault and reasoning

To make you keep coming back for more

Ruths are plain and bland

Uncooked meat

Raw and salmonella-inducing

Makes you puke on the spot and swear off meat forever

Turning vegan

Swearing off the word

Turning heathen

We look at what's left of each other,
Replaced by filters, edits, lies,
Of what we hope to be,
Or what we hoped to be.

Loud are our imperfections,
Their incessant buzzing,
Like flies inside our minds.

You’re the honey in the jar,
I can hold you,
But there’s still that glass between us.

I want unscrew that cap and reach inside,
Use my hands,
Sticky,
The scent of you,
Lingers,
Like every word that leaves your lips.

I’m sorry
I’m sorry
I’m sorry

She almost said