lanterns of gold
waking up late
breakfast for lunch
days with no date

long beginnings
with uncertain ends
sudden adventures
and making new friends

losing control
with thoughts unleashed
made up excuses
"i'm heading northeast"

writing in bed
and sleeping midway
waking up late
dates with no days

final goodbyes
we're back on track
farewell golden lanterns
for winter is back

I’m losing it all. Slowly it’s fading, slipping. I left what I loved. I left where I was satisfied, content, and in pure bliss. Everyday felt like a dream despite the challenges I faced. I left it all in pursuit of higher goals and higher dreams. I expected the transition to be hard, but I didn't know it would be like this. I was doing fine until I saw that picture of you all the party and it all hit me like a brick wall. It swallowed me like a tidal wave on that beach we talked about surfing. It suffocated me until I was dizzy. I had left, It’s not yet time for me to depart to my destination, I haven’t gotten where I’m going yet. You stayed where I once was, and life moved on.

It’s like I’ve been forgotten, erased from your brain like a statistic on a low quality whiteboard at a company meeting where after it’s wiped away you can still see the outline of what was once there. I was once there. I threw my soul into what we had, and for a while you did too. It seems like when it was no longer convenient, you didn’t care enough to try anymore. I spent hours coming up with creative ways to show you how much I care, putting together gifts, planning activities. Yet you wouldn’t take 10 seconds out of your day to send me one text to ask how I’m doing.

You told me I was everything you ever wanted. You told me you would make distance work. You told me you would make time. Instead, you made excuses. I’d ask you how your day was and you’d respond in one word. Good. Good, I’m glad you’re good. You know what’s not good, me. I’m not good with you trying to get away with treating me less than good, Good is objective, you are not good at making me feel good, in fact, I feel neglected and ungood. You don’t care that I’m not good? Good.

4 months ago you asked for the title of “Boyfriend”, so I gave it to you and you wore it like a badge of honor as if to say “Hey world, that’s my girl, she’s mine and I’m hers, look at how wonderful life is.” You still have that title of boyfriend, but now you wear it more like a cheap, red sticker name tag that reads in the most monotone way, “Hello my name is boyfriend” in sloppy lowercase letters and a BBQ stain smeared in the corner

I’m getting closer to where I’m going. You’re staying there. Don’t get me wrong, I miss the time we spent together, There’d be nights where you’d pull me close and talk about all the wonderful things we had in store for us, and our life together. We realized the reality of our situation was that we’d be separated for some time, so you’d bury your face in my hair and whisper, “Right here, right now.” “One step at a time.” I’d reply. But those steps are quitting their pace, they’re moving away from you. If you want them to stay then boy, you’d better tie those running shoes and get moving, because once their gone, they’re not coming back. I’ll be the one that got away. You know that, your family knows that, why aren’t you doing anything about it?

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, and I’ve believed that since I was young. Little things in my every day remind me of you and the good times we had, but instead of the joy and contentment, I once felt, it burns me like a hot stove burns a child’s hand to know that since those good days, you’ve decided I was too much work. You live in the moment which is one of my favorite things about you. You have a one track mind, that’s something I don’t like about you. Your focus is always on what’s right in front of you, If I’m not there, your thoughts don't drift my way, but if I’m there, your thoughts don’t ever drift away. School. That’s your focus, your excuse, your life. School, homework, bro time, Smash. Now that I’ve said it outloud do you realize how pathetic that is? With most guys in this situation, their friends would say, “Bro, you need a girl,” But, surprise! You have one, you just don’t care about her enough to say anything.

It’s clear we’re both learning, but our progress needs to be made in different ways. You need to get a freaking clue, and I need to get out of here. Both things allow us to grow in ways that maybe, just maybe might make it possible for us to work out when I get back. Until then, you need to open your eyes, decide if you’re going to fulfill the role as boyfriend that you begged so hard for, or not. Because if you won’t, someone else will, and to that someone I’ll be worth not only a 10-second text but their whole world. I won’t have to spend day after day wondering If I still matter to them because they won’t ever let me forget it. I won’t have to beg them to ask me how my day was because they’ll have already asked.

There’s a difference between loving someone, and caring about them. Right now I know you love me, but I’m not sure if you care. My life is moving forward, I’m moving up. I’m on a rocket accelerating so quickly if you blink you’ll miss it. If you want to be on board you’re going to have to fight for your position. This is not a given, It’s a privilege. You want it? Prove it? Not worth it? I’m gone

I was worn like canyon walls shaped from generations of weather, just a shadow of what i once was
All I had was hope like the faintest of faint light distant stars provide on a moonless night
To me she was bold like how the dawn breaks though a dark sky.
We were suns burning brightly together Hope's of a life a family
She extinguished the light and dashed my dreams with her scared past and disfunction
Like a poison she had infected me to my core.
Two years later bad new not long to live I'm dying and I never got to tell her what she was to me.

Things I miss

Once I looked at you
And you looked back
Made eye contact
Saw me.

Now,
Six years has passed
And we’re still
Together.
Stuck.
Together.

And you don’t see me anymore.
I miss the
Security
Of knowing how
I fit
In your world.

Now,
I just watch.
You don’t look.
You don’t see.

But I guess I’m just too much emotionally, huh?

Sometimes I forget if I've always been this way
Or if a beast has taken hold
Of expectations lost
Desires unsatisfied
That's dried me up

Devilish days do well to waste,
with blackout curtains and ink-stained hands,
waiting for sunset when time’s erased.

Those feeble floorboards you often paced,
will creak and moan ‘til you understand;
devilish days do well to waste.

Fight for the feelings that have been replaced,
fight to keep hold of those waning strands,
waiting for sunset when time’s erased.

The sun will set on all you’ve faced,
an eclipse which you cannot withstand;
devilish days do well to waste.

And *****-laced tear tracks chased
by broken glass that pours out sand,
waiting for sunset when time’s erased.

When your thoughts have been misplaced,
I’ll be there to take your hand.
Devilish days do well to waste,
waiting for sunset when time's erased.

Everyone's got something to say.
But they don't listen,
'cause they don't care.

Just want to softly slip away.
As moonlight glistens on the ocean,
the Mother whispers in the air.


I tried to leave it all behind.
Lay the past to rest
and free myself from pain.

Don't know how I could be so blind!
They'd never let it be that easy.
So they destroyed the plans I'd lain.


It doesn't matter now.

All the bridges are ablaze.
There's nothing left of what I knew.


I guess it's funny how I told you

"I won't desert you."
I never meant to hurt you.

-

I want you

to know that I'd do anything
to hold you one more time.

Your beauty is the only thing

I need you

to understand that you don't have
to be the things I see

to hear those words from me.

I love you...

-

But everybody's got their games to play.
I stand on the sideline,
forever watching from afar.

Why would you believe the things they say?
Do you remember when I'd hold you
and we'd look up at the stars?


You told me that you longed to feel again.
But every time I brought that closer,
you just moved further away.

You used to say I take away your pain.
But now I just seem to burn you
with every word I say.

-

So I want you

to go and find your calling.

To spread your wings,
chase freedom without falling,

and I need you

to understand that I could live without you.

It's not about you.

but I love you

to smile the way you do
each time I'm with you,

and there's still so much more
that I would give you.

I'll relive the joy we've had
each time I close my eyes.

No future and no past.

I love you

I see my reflection in the rain drops,
My fears are painted across the sky,
My ambitions have disappeared,
They go where the sun rays strike,
But today is a different year,
And I’m on the edge of my life,
there is a glow on this rainy day,
But It’s somewhere I can’t seem to find,
It follows the trees somewhere far,
All I know is that with it here,
Time will pass and everything will
disappear,
I’ll be okay,
and the skies will clear.

love, did you know
that every diamond
is made from death
compressed and contorted
transformed into something
just beautiful enough to wear
i was once carbon and oxygen
the weight of the earth on my chest
i'll never be as clear nor brilliant but still
you've worn me just the same
eliminated my multi-faceted edges
polished, a rock as any other
no one would believe i was a gem
i am made of dead things, worn out
eroded through the years
i can't sparkle the way you want me to
can't pretend to shine for only you
throw me back to the earth
i belong with the oceans and mosses
only through an end will i glow