I can’t remember exactly where or how it started off but i found myself on a beach that was coast to a massive ocean, perhaps the Atlantic . I was with clare and some other people I didn’t know, but it felt like I did know them. We were all running away from someone who was particularly dangerous to us for some reason. I think there was a bar or club we ran out of to get away that was also on the beach shoreline. It was a cloudy day and we all ran into the water. I had no idea how we’d escape when suddenly there was a silver Volkswagen bug car just floating there stationed in the shallow water waiting for us. It had no wheels, just floated there like a boat, and there was no top on the car so it was like a convertible . We all jumped into the car in great haste and I asked, “how are we gonna drive this thing?!” (as it was, after all, a car in an ocean). Clare said “we just start it.” She turned the key to the ignition and it rumbled to life just as a normal car would, and to drive it we just used the gas pedal and steering wheel to drive it full speed across the waters surface. It drove very smoothly without faltering. We needed to make it very far away, like sail from wherever we were to a country in Europe, like France. So I then fell asleep for days on end in the car so I wouldn’t have to be waiting for us to reach land. Once I woke up it was sunny and we were in a country that resembled Florida. We got off the car and left it floating in the water and went into an old abandoned house to pack up things for our next voyage. It was old inside the house with wooden plank walls where the sun shone through it’s cracks into the room. There we met up with several others who were making getaways just like us all across the continent, we were all trying to escape something but just didn’t know what. We were all very tanned and very *****, we were covered with ruddy sand and dirt and our skin was bronze like we’d spent days out in a desert. I really missed my parents as they were unaware of me leaving so I wrote them an imaginary letter in my head hoping they’d somehow read it that way, and would understand where I was and why I was leaving. I was worried sick about them for some reason. then everyone left our cottage to board the car boat and I was left back because I was having trouble deciding what coloured flip flops I wanted to pack in my bag . Simona was yelling at me to hurry up and I was looking at red, blue black and brown flipflops all mismatched under a table. I grabbed the brown ones and took off. We somehow made it across more bodies of water and under seaside cliffs, hills and mountains as we sought a place of refuge from this thing we were running from in our starting land. Then we made it on land and found a house in a city, and inside the house resembled my uncles’ house in Tecumseh. We all went into the basement where FUD was having band practise but they had no instruments and were just talking to people. Terry was bidding goodbye to a slutty gf who couldn’t keep her jeans on without showing her crack to the whole house. I fell asleep on a couch in the basement on a really comfy pillow. I awoke and everyone was leaving and Tyler was running around the basement making bad jokes. This time my mom was in the basement and she was either wanting to come along on our escape or begging me to stop going anywhere. I felt really awful about it but I can’t remember if she came with us or not. Suddenly we were all gone from the house and I was climbing an immense system of buildings and steel planks they use to build things in big cities. If i fell i would surely plummet to my death, but i was climbing so agile and nimbly and fast it was not a concern to me at all. It was dusk and the sunset was painting dark blue and reds and pinks and yellows across the sky. I was climbing 500 feet up in the air and behind me was jasmine from Aladdin. We were chasing this Asian man from the Disney movie mulan, he was the secretary character, with a long moustache and kimono outfit. He was really evil to us I guess. He eventually reached a big peak in the building system and was laughing at us below when a huge metal cross was being lifted up and down and delivering a crushing bang to the exact position he was sitting on. He couldn’t go anywhere as the end of the structured thing hit his legs, then missed, then hit his toe, and finally crushed him and he fell all the way down to his death. I was awestruck and still hanging 500ft in the air on this skeleton of a building and the sun was setting, and then I woke up with this so vivid in my head I had to write it down cause it was so real to me.

It’s just the soldier in me has been in a fog for some time
it appears we’ve reached dark lands and could not navigate our way out
my soul was silenced and my integrity grew weak
underneath the oppression it still shone
but never bright enough
for the world to see
it’s been too long
but i’m feeling like some gears have had their dust blown away
cranking out life

you can throw a war my way
I’ll show you
what I
can really do

Fixed on some subject that was not visibly there, trying to decipher its message. Was he being taught a lesson in this silence we sat in? I could not break the blanket of stillness, as this was a moment that transcended mere words, but something at the edge of my mind felt a fringe of holy breath in the room, and in our moods.
Then he spoke, quietly but with a tone of certainty and awe. “I do not understand her,” came his soft voice. “I long to, and I feel like I have reached a place where few have known of, but yet she has so many uncharted lands in her. Sometimes i long to tear her apart, but I love her to a depth I am unaware of. I feel myself gravitating towards her presence. She understands something about life that I don’t... that most of us don’t.”
He strained his eyes a touch more, like an astronomer tries in vain to pick apart a night sky, but with a minuscule amount of success. I could see him ravaging his mind for words to explain his relationship with her. Nothing could be found to express it.
So I saw the gears stop turning with a reluctant sigh, and he lost focus of any one thing to observe, and his gaze drifted away into a void, staring off into a direction insignificant. In this moment his thoughts were seeing more than his eyes, and I began to lift my own heavenward, As my mind’s voice spoke softly, how rare are moments and beings like these? And why are they given so sparingly?

And on we sat, and absorbed.

Bees, by the leaves, oh please receive my hand to the hive,
where you grow you golden sweet love of mine,
Just fill my hands with a love so divine
How do you buzz with no cares on your mind?
I wouldn't attempt to look for the signs,
for you and I are too poor to die
And we are all alive in the summer sky
where He still shines in all our lives
And I still cry when I think how you died, and how I'm still alive,
and for now I must try to survive, and I lie to my wife when I say I love her, but there's another inside,
I won't make it out alive,
when the truth is living but I'm trying to close the door,
but You keep pushing,
I cannot resist,
As I sit on the drive with my hand in the hive,
Licking honey from inside

If there's a Light;
should we be following it?
Or should we choose to stay
wandering blindly in the darkness.

If there's a Hand;
should we be holding it?
Or should we choose to walk
stumbling and falling over rocky ground.

If there's a Hope;
should we be finding it?
Or should we choose to mourn
wailing in despair and trying to see through drowning eyes.

If there's a Peace;
should we be preaching it?
Or should we choose to stress
raising fists and gnashing teeth.

If there's a Blood;
should we be redeemed?
Or should we choose to deny
running along the smooth road and bear no regret.

If there's a Grace;
should we be carried?
Or should we choose to carry on
trying to control, yet sinking deeper into the sea.

if there's a Love;
should we be loving?
Or should we choose to hate
spitting fire and carrying murderer's hearts.

If there's a Way...
should we take it?

If there's a Truth...
should we believe it?

If there's a Life..
should we seek it?

Two paths.
Two choices.
Two Places.
One End.
One Life.
One Saviour.

Who was, and is, and is yet to come.

something is stirring. keeping me awake.
whirling inside me.
the groanings of my prayers that can't be expressed in words.
i have to let it out.
my spirit is clawing out in hunger.
reaching for food from Your hands.
crying out to learn the real meaning of Love.
the strength to smile at the unfaithful
the courage to welcome the desolate.

my whole life, i've been near dead on the inside.
knowing the basics, the foundations of You
but never up to par
never where i should be
i haven't yet felt the fire in my bones,
the outpouring holiness,
the purity of my cleansed soul,
but i can sense it's so near.

named after wisdom, but can't learn the second and third steps.
i have felt that i must have been doing something wrong
for so long
i can't shut it out
i can't turn a deaf ear to it any longer
my God
you have known me from the womb, you have loved me before i was even conceived
a babe, called Your daughter
who could ask a greater priveledge?

and yet
i sit.
and strain my ears
and rasp at my throat but there are no words
to truly describe these feelings.


rest assured
you'll get no sleep from my eyes
until these holes are filled
until these flaws are made whole
until these walls are broken down
when the day comes where You make Yourself real to me
the day i've been longing for
the day i hear Your will and your power
your unfailing love
i will become Your servant at the highest extent of my ability
i will not falter
i will stay faithful

i can't afford
to stray from You
ever again.

Love is near.
Love is REAL.
Love is here to stay.
Forever.

I WILL STAY FAITHFUL

there is a great yearning to draw closer to my God
yet theres been so much bombarding me constantly that i turn to instead of You
meaningless, everything, all these things are meaningless
not one is more worthy of my time than You
i let these thoughts sink in, penetrate me to the bone and depths of my soul
but it doesn't seem to make a difference
i am drowning in my own ocean that i have jumped into at my will
Grace, i am so undeserving
you're there, you care
but how could you give a forty-third, or maybe two hundred and-seventh chance to a lonely, desolate girl so desperately trying to repent and release from the sins of her life
for these wounds remain deep and i know the error of my ways
but i can't let go of the world thats pulling me in
down, down into the pit, the smooth rolling path to darkness
and i succumb
"Delight in Giving! do not Give grudgingly or out of necessity, but out of the joy of your heart and the love of God manifested in you, and what you give out, you will recieve back the same measure!"
the simplest words, the hardest actions to carry out.
i act in anger and callousness to the ones i love most.
i just harshly the ones i don't know at all and the ones closest to me.
do i ever go without judging anyone?
i love so deeply when i do love, and now it seems to lead to my demise
i love the ones who are wrong for me
the ones who have dragged me to this empty state


haven't i heard the words before? haven't i been taught the way out?
haven't i grown up in the house of my Father where all my life's guidelines were laid before me with lovingkindness and vision for the future?
when will i learn?

i feel like you're so far away and i'm here stuck in this wretched state of mind and spirit.

the narrow road seems to small for me to enter
or maybe its because im trying to squeeze the bags of ******* i'm carrying through it at the same time.

the act of letting go

help loose the vices, help cure my diseases
this seems too much, i fail unceasingly
there seems to be no hope for me
although i know you're on my mind all the time
i continue to hear words of wisdom from others, even though they're not directed at me
all i need are signs
all i need is to know you're going to get me through this
i'm holding you to it
you can't let go, it will be the end of me.

sin is the anchor holding me down

isn't there an easier way out than this?

this must be why you said, "few will find it."
well i'm going to press in
and i'll find that gate to the smallest path
the quiet way that the world looks over and never notices
and when i do i hope you help me through
all i want is to see your kingdom
many are called but few are chosen
i was chosen before i was born,
but as ive learned,
birthrights can be sold. for meaningless treasures.

tell me i haven't made the deal, tell me my soul is still recorded in your book
i need life after this
i need joy and unspeakable relief and love for eternity, not unfathomable pain and torment and blasphemy forever

tell me it's not too late

clean me up, show me how to live

take me out of this dreadful ocean of apathy and despair
the willingnses to let go is something i need now more than ever


my heart feels far from yours
take notice of my feeble hands
hold them, hold me close, lead the way, carry me Grace, across the ocean of doubt and despair.

i'm asking for your forgiveness
for my lack of faithfulness

i'm asking
for your
forgiveness

such a lack of faithfulness

rock bottom feels too apathetic
where do i go

only you know the thoughts in my head and can speak to me the perfect words i need to hear
work your glorious ways and show me i'm not alone
tell me there's something after this trial
what is this trial anyways?
am i complaining about something that's not there?
or should i be concerned?
to regret, or not regret?
choices have lead me to this point, but what if certain things i've done i wish i could take back?
is it wrong?

you know me inside out
now please, take these prayers from a lonely, apathetic, graceless girl,
who needs love, who wants love, who wants to show compassion and hope and joy and giving and mercy wherever needed.
the spirit must manifest in me at some point.
in due time
you circle the sky and wait for the greatest moment to set in

i hardly know the thoughts in my own head
i hope some are Yours

thank you for paying attention

when i feel no one else does.

when i feel like no one cares,
you look down on me and smile.

all i need
is a little

perserverance