He breathes this life into me.

I come from far aways and swim in his ocean of Light but still I stray
from time
to time.

I seep filth and despair and wallow in the blackest of waves as I forsake the real Redeemer.
Where is my joy? Where is my belief in a hope that destroys all senselessness and brutality? All self deprecating and apathetic waste that I contain?

A heart differs so greatly than the other in each man and woman who has ever been alive. Prayer steadfast brings talents to the surface, and glorified by His hands we walk in a blinding outpouring of Light. Because we bear His name instead of a lie.

I tried in vain night after night, month after month, year after year to convince myself of the rightness of each word I say. Of each thought I think, **** everyone else, I was the wiser! I was the superior! I was the true victor of these broken homes we call hearts!

AND YET THERE HE WAS TO BREAK ME DOWN IN THE KINDEST AND MOST LOVING OF WAYS WHEN I DESERVE HELL!

Try believing that you were once on top of everyone elses’ brains and yet there He was to steer your so-called mighty ship away from a sheer drop in the waters— turns out you captain a pathetic dinghy.

Now breathing slowly. I close my worthless eyes and see the speck of a fraction of His glory. I walk among a pasture where tranquility and serenity reign, and I? I am a fool. I am a wandering Pharisee with a lost mind and two empty hands. I feel a heart beat fiercly within me when I think of You, I feel my soul stir to a great storm of love and awe when I see You move in the earth and in lives so closely connected with mine. I love to see You work, Father, your craft will never be challenged in all of eternity. I would trade all I’ve gained in the world to become the best daughter in You.

I am a daughter of the Most High.

He knows how I dream. He knows how passionately I desire the richest life i was called to serve for the Kingdom. I was a blessed soul. He knows. He knows how I dream. He knows what I dream of and what I cannot begin to.

So I walk onward and can only gaze at the sky, as if the blue atmospheric sea is teaching me lessons on its own. I beg for an answer, the prayer i have uttered hoarsely for so many nights: “Where am i? Where am I on this map of Yours?! I am getting crushed by the world and these walls are closing in on me. I writhe in my own agony and succumb to so much pride. I am killing me. Where am I? O Father, where am I in You?!”

And He listens. And He knows. I know He knows, and carries me ‘cross chasms and whirlpools, even when I do not feel His embrace. Soon i know these times will come. I challenged the sky no more, and take a moulding hammer to my own heart, to shape for You. I will make You proud someday, I swear.I will make this life worth something… I then ask him if I was planned for anything great at all. Was my soul charted out to someday hold and deliver power and integrity in You?

And as I listen close, every fiber of my eardrums heightened, my soul stills as I hear one thing..
He breathes. And He breathes this life in me.

If its not too much to ask

I think I'm ready to come back now

You probably have a stern lecture for me, a big season of disciplining is now in full force, I can feel it, I think.

Its all a big lesson.

Does that mean you chastize me? (Hebrews 12:6) Is it really a lesson of love rather than hate? Do you completely not like me anymore? Do you look down in shame on me? Am I off the book? Am I gone from your mind of loved ones? Please tell me you're still there and willing to get me back to the top of the mountain where I was before. Bring me back to the level of faith that I long to have again.

I don't want to know that I'm no longer a daughter but I'm afraid that is the current truth.

Everything feels so wrong. I have grown weary, I have grown so weak.

I have never resisted to the point of blood. This shames me beyond anything. Why! The fire has been put out and its all my fault. You were right all along, and I knew it, but I purposely chose to go the other way. Even your Word seems foreign now. What a bad season! I'm ruined. I'm gone. I have been living halfway and no way. I lost everything I had built in you. Help me and have mercy on me because I can't believe right now that you love me. I can't believe that your grace will take me back now. I can't believe it when all I've done was spit forgiveness in the face and throw away redemption and repentance to the wind. I'm done for, Lord take me back because there's no way I can do this on my own. There needs to be a revival and I have to come back to you, my heart feels so heavy.

And all I tried to do,
was see the best in you

Look where its gotten me.

depart from this world
start a crusade on my own
in my desired world of refuge
that no one else can join
they only look on
in a confused and ignorant state
i parade in a fantasy of adventure
i'm a pirate! and none of you can stop me!
the land is mine!
the sea! the wind!
off with impossibility; i win wars and battle thousands.
warrior to be reckoned with,
cunning and impeccable skills in rhetoric
they do not stand close to me
i am my own
but yet, i never was.
i live at ease with this
and continue on,
fighting
flying
smiling as the sunset swallows me up as i set forth across my noble steed;
my noble sea

my favourite place that never was,
but could someday be

Everyone I know holds love in their hands
They have the feeling all around them
They are swept up in a world of affection
And I take it all in
Happy and lonely
Lost in my realm of solitude
It's not that I don't like it here
But I could sometimes use
Just a double more
Company.

Love, where shall I find you?

you were so alive
I watched you grow like a daisy in a *** on my window sill
the light was all you needed
the food came with the light of the sun
the light of the Son
but then the glint of silver and gold got a hold of your eyes
the silver and gold, they were lined with meaningless promises
your heart hardened and became empty
the black of the world turned your eyes from me
me and your family
the blood of your saviour
you chase the dark, you’ve abandoned the light
who wants to see something so beautiful wilt away into an ugly form of what used to be?


I smell the smoke on your breath and see the liquor in your eyes as you slur, this is who I am, I’m not ever coming back
lord forgive him, he doesn’t know what he’s doing,
he’s dropped his cross and he’s headed for the hills


don’t you know everything you wanted was being fulfilled
everything you dreamed of being was in arms reach


come back, we’re crying, our brother, hoping you’ll see, is there anything you miss
is there anything you regret about what you’ve done
the light of the Son
the light of the Son

outstretched hands with holes in his hands
there’s holes in his hands
he’s more than a man
that’s all the proof you need


but if you ever decide to turn around,
you’ll see me
but more importantly
you’ll see Him

oh how

I consist

of this.

This is gripping me far too tight

I have to lay back

find a way out

and coast.