The feeding tube had left her mouth a gap.
Allowing her breath to dry, her lips and crack. I dampend the spounge on a stick and applied the moisture her lips severaly were lacking.
I had never seen her like this.  
Helplessness doesn’t suit her, yet she has been wearing it for months now because of me I’m sure.
She opened her eyes.
My heart skipped a beat.
I pull from my transe of guilt and rise from my seat. “Hello.” I say wiping away any trace of tears, but no matter how hard I tried I knew I wouldn’t wipe away the fear.
I wait, watcing her reaction intently.
“Please remember me this time…” I beg her without a single word.
“Pain…” Her voice cracked..
“I’m in pain Ashley.” Her words slurred.
I push the button for the nurse and kiss her forhead. She remembers me this time!
I don’t know what to say beside, “I’m so sorry.” In shame.
15 months ago I graduated high school.... This should be the beginning, not the end.
She cried and I held her head to my chest as I brushed her hair with my fingers.
Something she taught me long ago.
Her loving gestures through my heart will always echo. She helped me survive.
She was my breathing machine.
My morphine.
My life coach.
Once medicated she fell asleep.
She left her pain for now, but the thought that in hours her pain would wake her made me weap.
There was a light knock and the curtain opended.
A lady wearing nice clothes and a gentle smile stepped forward.
“Hello Ashley, I’m Janice with St. Mary’s hospice.” "Hospice?" I ask, never hearing of it before.
She was one of many that week.
After nearly a month, mom woke up.
“I’m tired,” Her dry house voice tried to speak.
Her lips began to quiver against the feeding tube, she was so weak.
“Close your eyes and rest.” I said knowing there was a deeper meaning in her words.
She shook her heard no, tears now streaking her face. “Stop.” She croaked.
I knew she wanted to leave this place.
I pressed the button for the nurse.
“Are you ready to take the feeding tube out mom?” I asked openly, regreating every word.
She looked at me with such big eyes, so much emotion stirred.
Extreme fear, confusion, sadness, feeling I’d never seen her express.
I hated seeing her in this stranger like state.
Imagine the pressure layed upon you, to choose your fate.
In a way, I know, for my job was to figure moms wants and then make her life or death decision.
With her beautiful eyes locked on mine, she shook her head yes.
“Are you sure?” Oh how I wish I could clean up this mess.
She shook her head yes again as the nurse got another stranger. After the nurse gave her more morphine I asked for the number to St. Johns hospice.
Mom started to drift away and I left her with a kiss. They removed the feeding tube.
13 days passed.
Much longer then the doc’s thought she’d last.
No food.
No water.
The repeated question ran through my head, was I a good or bad daughter.
Regaurdless my selfish thoughts, she lay still unable to answer, she looked happier though.
She never spoke after we talked about her choice to leave, how I’d wished she said no.
I lived in complete shame.  
I had lost the best part of me, without her, my body felt lame.
I had to be strong for my sister, whom I’d been left to care for.
I was her stone.
I then lived as a stone.
Brainless, emotionless, cold. How would she have felt to see me living like this….
It would **** her, the thought lingered like a poisonous kiss.
I had to live again. I have to live for the both of us now, the way it had never been.

Ive watched you weap
Bemoan in subtlety, without reason
Attempt to give light on an obsidian subject

Ive seen you bicker and cross swords
A struggle felt for miles
Have our confrontations meant nothing to you
Does venom foreshadow death

Ive seen you pass away
Day by day, its all the same

But am I the mad one?
Questioned by clans
When all I see is taunt discourse as if we're docking on long suppressed dreams

If it had been somewhere else, we'd hide a fixed eye to the occasion

Load the cartridge
Pull the trigger
Ignite cannons
**** the innocence
Have we lost our minds

As He And I take a dip into each others solar eclipse  
He sips from my faucet that drips
and not the one located between my thick thighs and hips
but from the truth that flows from the softness of my lips.
In that moment he Indulged in Truth's kiss.
As he was overcamed by a state of bliss.
Thats when He knew That God must Exist.
Now to him I say this.......
"Lets Go beyond Us
As I allow you Undress my Conscious
Make love to my thoughts
As you diminish my distraughts
Lick my intelligence to taste the saccharine nectar of my Essence
As I give you this mental *******
You will be headed in the right direction
And there will be no need for a ****** for our protection
Just dive into my purely unadulterated love and affection
Make your understanding stand at attention
Stick your knowledge in my head's dimension.
Giving me all its been missing
as I not only hear but Inventively listen.
Love me good and so deep
That upon me your heart begins to seap
And My my eyes begin to weap
Make my cerebellum ****** until it reaches its peak.
Keep going deeper until you hear all the words I dont speak.
Have you found the Subtance in which you seek?

See into the depths of my soul until you see A light of shimmering glittering Gold.
Touch my psyche with a gentle caress.
Until you uncover the glory of my nakedness.

now its spiritual fire burning with Red hot flames from within inscreasing my soul's desire.

I let him see the quintessential part of me that in just a short time I had courageously bared.
And He allowed me to breathe in the fresh air from his atmosphere
As I tasted his words like freshly cut herbs
And He explored all my bountiful roads to learn all my turns and curves
As he Disect my unwritten literature to understand my creative verbs.
We fly beyond the clouds like 2 lovebirds.
I have become the many pages of his diary
As he shares his most private moments between him and me so secretly.
I feel like my my world is being pulled into his force of gravity.

And yet the question I ask is,"Is he into me?"
But I can already answer that by his his energy.
While he's staring into my eyes endlessly.
My universe has been shaken by the waves of his charismatic frequency.
As we are luxuriating in our Unfiltered Raw level of Intimacy.

I walk the street, and all I do is weap.
For all I see is anger, and haetred.
People stuck sleeping and eating on the street.
I see them begging for money on the corner.
Just to get one meal for the day.
I don't like watching good honest people.
Down on there luck asking, but no one helps.
It makes me mad , and all so sad.
All I can think of is.
What if this was me or my loved one.
Would any one help?
Will I have food today?
Why will no one give me a chance?
Is it because I am down in a hole?
I see this everyday, I try to help when I can.
But its not enough. Alli can think of is.
Why will no one help the ones in need.
Ya they might not have jobs but if I can help.
Wheather it be $1 or a place to stay.
I know how it is, I don't wish any that.
So if I help, that means more people can.
I barely make enough to hold myself afloat.
I see my heart sinking like a boat.
Every time I see amazing people.
Eating off the street, and sleeping under a bridge.
As I walk down the street all I do is weap.

Let me know how you feel about me
So i can know where we stand and

If so just know ill be down for you
Baby just give me the clues
So tell me if ya still care about me

Must we fight baby dont ya know
I wont always be right
And if you listen to my heartbeat
I hear your soul slowly weap speakin to me
So tell tell me if ya still care about me
So tell me baby do you really


Now that we got our wedding day
Already plot so if you just let me
Do what i have to do because i only see myself and future with you
Soo tellllll me if ya still care about me
So tell me if ya still care

Here I am home all alone empty .
With my emotions along drifting.

When I'm gone will yall sing happy songs
Or will you weap cause you'll miss me after all.

Will you wait to Im in the ground, to tell me how
much you love me. Would you want me when Im not
around to hug me.

When I'm gone aint no coming back, no worries, no
shame, no pain, no games. You'll never see me again.
Do not take me in vain I only live once show me love
while you can.

If not this thought will drift in my minds deep abyss.
Thinkin of how you'd feel if I was gone and will I be
missed.

I wave my wings
And weap my tears
I glide through the sorrow
And fill all the hollow

I'll carry you back
Back to where you started
Say farewell with a smile
Return to the world of hearted

Looking down once again
I see you, my friend
Lost again, hollow again
So I wave my wings
And weap my tears
But this time
You're not here

Owl's eyes see with prophecy
through the depths of
the forest trees' limbs
And those spirits...
Witnessing the past, present and future....
These eyes understand either
upside-down or backwards in
visions of blue
Like mirrors reflecting the sky,
owls eyes perceive the stratosphere
doorway in between light
and shadow-
Gifted as it is with a sprinkling of galaxies....
Owls eyes can see with magic-
Their pupils are portals to Shangri-La and Tartarus where ghouls  waver their direction endlessly in a lemniscate
Even in the most moon-less night
they conceive palpably those ghosts that weap as they wander.

With you I am bitter cold and bleak
Without you I am creative and mistiquely unique.
Without you my brain operates on a level of an Intellectual Geek.
But when you  are around Im feel like climbing a mountain thats too far way and too steep
That I give Up climbing because of the pain in My knees, my legs and my feet,
My soul cant breathe and heart and mind become feeble and weak.
Without you I am Strong enough to conquer any mountains peak.
But with you i feel Rather incomplete.
But without you im Woman of Proverbs, A portrait resembling one who is humble and meek.
But with you The cat has my tongue so I cant express What Im feeling through the words I speak
Is it my demise what you seek?
Without you I feel put together and kinda neat.
With you its hard too feed my spirit what it needs to eat.
But without you It like Just another sad love song on repeat.
With you I feel im at war and your personal gain is my defeat.
Without you its hard sometimes, kinda of bittersweet.
But with you all I feel alone and in behind my smile I weap.
Without you my transcendent self can't seem to find sleep.
I guess the capicity of my love maybe just a little to deep.
Maybe You should learn how to swim because you sow what you reap.

I use to be all about you.
Like everything I say and do needed your approval or had to have value.
Until the day I found out you didnt love me the same I once loved you.
Then my heart became like a freeze color of blue.
I felt like i would be lost without you, I cried Whats a girl to do?
I felt stuck like an animal trapped in the zoo.
Until I changed My perception and started seeing things in a new view.
I had to tell myself you know I matter, Im Important too.
That was just kinda a clue
That its time to move on boo boo!
Its hard to be with you but I think its better to be without you

her eyes are a catalyst for the weak
she smiles while they weap
only trials stretch her beak
as she comes full circle
showing you, she too
is incomplete.