Hello.
I’m toxic.
you probably don’t want to know me
i hurt everyone I love.

Hello.
I have an eating disorder.
I skip meals.
I don’t love myself.

Hello.
I can’t let people in.
I’m scared of people knowing me.
So i hide away.

Hello.
I’m unconfident.
I need constant assurance.
Am I bothering you?

Hello.
I’m sad most of the time.
I’m not good at being happy.
Sorry I’m always down.

Hello.
How are you?

Unsure
Not feeling so sure
Skeptical
Feeling insecure
Bashful
Completely intimidated
Fearful
Absolutely trepid
Doubtful
Unconfident and uncertain
Cowardly
Disbelieving
Shy and coy
Hesitant
Incredulous
Questioning everything
Dubious
Scared to death
Timorous
Feeling so unsure


But will I take the risk?

*Sure...

I don't know why many women are subconscious about their appearance
They're far better looking than I am.
I'm not unconfident, i just feel that there is a sense of truth behind this statement
It desperately needed to be said

Maybe it was the fact that you only knew broken English
And that you cried when all your tongue could only come up with blunt Norwegian
Did you cry when all the other first graders thought you were stupid, grandfather?
Was it that which drew you inwards to the growing child
And the growing misunderstanding of communication.
The barrier between elementary school tongues and accents is a large casme in your world.
Was it the marines, the war, the things you saw
that rationed you
Into the secluded soul that you became?
The distant, angry man, husband and father
Who drove cars far away from home
And than raged when you made it home on the weekend.

Was it that which made my father different?
Made him paint the walls of his room black and break windows at seventeen?
The walls of that confining house had never heard yells that loud.
The front door had never been slammed that hard.
Friends' couches became more familiar family members.
Was it that which made him the eclectic artist, unconfident man, funny husband, and tentative father?
Who mentioned specific detailed taste without any context
Who refuses to be challenged
Socially inept, his daughter thought.
Slight asburgers, she thought.
Ungrateful! Selfish! Attitude stricken! He retaliated.
How the **** was he supposed to react?
He never mentioned how much he loved her,
How much she changes his life.

Was it that made her the way she is?
She began becoming familiar with wine bottles and ***** that wasn't chased.
She drank to forget sometimes
She drank to not worry.
She'd say **** more often
And in the rooms of her best friends,
She'd laugh at her circumstances.
Than all she'd say was,
**** THEM ALL
And sipped until the bottom of the bottle was her best friend.

stigma a small six letter word,
but blocks the way;
to unconfident to be heard.
you beastly biased blighted word,
you block the light your so obsurd.

stigma stands blocking our path,
scared alone or scared they'll laugh.
you discust me with your devilish way,
blinding us all through night and day.

stigma move over;
let me soar or fly.
keeping tears blocked to afraid to cry,
I PRAY.

stigma should be shunted,
let's educate the world.
seeking help not stunted,
speak up with spoken word.
I SPEAK.

stigma you shrink and weaken,
as my pain with few I share.
confidence growing faster,
now eased enough not to care.
IT HELPS.

stigma I'd like to see you crumble,
like an old still dry stone wall.
you will never see me stumble,
a voice to listen to all.
A FRIEND.

stigma you no longer have the power,
to quieten us from the 'norm'.
it be boring if all the same,
unique from day us all born.
EMBRACE DIFFERENCE.

stigma now disheveled,
in future hope your gone.
knowledge giving power,
to show us all your wrong .
EQUALITY.

where I was rash and coarse
he was confidently unconfident
so sure of what he didn't know
he was all soft spoken words, wit dripping off of every word
I wanted his soul
I wanted to memorize the way his eyes twinkled with delight when he talked about something he loved
I wanted to be the thing he loved
he wanted to save the world
I wanted to be his
but I wanted to be the noncommittal sag and run and he was oblivious and beautiful
the world seemed to work against us while simultaneously not caring enough to keep us apart
edging us on long enough for me to fall face flat on the pavement of realization and while mending my bruised ego I sourly admit
****
I fell in love with an aquarius

i haven't been able to say it
but,
i hate the way you made me feel
the way you made me feel unconfident
the way you made me feel numb
and
the way you made me feel hatred,
against myself

i really
really
hate
the way you made me
lost myself.

I want to be the flush of cheeks when someone is embarrased
I want to be the unspoken words of the one who just can't say how he feels
I want to be the menagerie of butterflies that swarm in the stomach of the unconfident
I want to be the thought that says **** it in the mind of the one finally takes the next step
I want to be the pen that writes word that no on will ever see
I want to be the uplifting rush of a new romance
I want to be the tender kiss of lovers
I want to be the embrace that says everything is going to be ok
I want to be the goosebumps on the back of the neck of the gently caressed
I want to be the feeling of when you reach out for a body at night and find it there to hold
I want to be the keys on a piano that make the sound of love
I want to be the slient scream of the broken hearted
I want to be the tear that falls the unending distance from face to floor
I want to be the heart beat of the slowly dying
I want to be-