I can’t believe this will be my last night
in the room I grew up in.

The room I cried in and laughed in.
The mattress on which I vomited, and masturbated, and had *** for the first time.

The window where I smoked **** against my parents wishes,

and the room that I drank myself silly in.

The room I fell in love in,

and was brutally heartbroken in.

This is my last night here.

There's always a girl.

That one,

girl.

There are always simple things in life that we cling onto for no apparent reason.

But maybe for those same reasons, we think about that one girl.

It could be the most simple of things.

An umbrella, a pair of sunglasses, a hockey puck, a used towel, a plastic dinosaur, a novel, a feeling, a kiss.

It can be burned in forever.

Only to be melted away by the warmth that is Spring.

Only thawed, never burned.

The moon changes it's shape to please your eye.

I know you won't believe it.

Even if the moon is eclipsed or out of sight, it will change it's shape to suit you right.

Stand under it, right now.

Even if you can't see her she's there.

And when she appears looking broken and uncompleted, in your eyes it will change to a perfect sphere.

Just for you.

So pay attention to that, and appreciate her for all that she is.

Because for you she would change her entire shape, just to please you.

The moon always hangs in the sky.

Like a delicate flower she was,
hanging in a french cafe.

She could have been so much more than she was.

Highschool sweet hearts.
At least, it could have been that easy.

I asked her to prom as a joke but she said yes.

But because of the over bearing hetero norm town I was living in, I said yes to a boy as well.

That was my first mistake.

I should have stayed with her.

I was never straight nor bi, never will be.

I am a lesbian to the core.

But I let the wrong person in.

For too long.

I still look for her face in crowds.

Maybe one day we will reunite.

But until then I have found the real love of my life, my future wife.

This was a lesbian fairy tale.

Because I have been absorbing.

Reading novel, after novel.

And listening to the same music on repeat.

I don't know how I managed to switch into such a state.

I went from reading nothing to reading pages upon pages of Japanese fiction.

I feel like it has done me good.

I am almost ready to come out of the rabbit hole that is Murakami,
and find my own voice.

The concept is there,

I just need the resolution.

I feel as though I am cursed.

Because,

I see her everywhere.

On the streets, on the train, at home.

I am always looking for her.

Hoping to one day run in to her one more time.

I know the chances of this are slim but I still like to dream.

...

More disturbingly I still seem to see her everywhere I look.

It's as if, she had fixed, to have a dozen look-a-likes roam the streets.

I know this isn't the case...

I just think that I see her everywhere I go.

And one tiny part of me is hoping that one day,

I will see her for real.

What I would say?

Who knows.

I chase my meds with alcohol.

She wants me to stop but I wont.

I feel as if I was the one to stop at the strange river and gulp down the water.

In place of the character in the novel I am reading.

I feel connected and yet disconnected from this reality.

As if I were born again.

I have no memories of that past self anymore.