I chase my meds with alcohol.

She wants me to stop but I wont.

I feel as if I was the one to stop at the strange river and gulp down the water.

In place of the character in the novel I am reading.

I feel connected and yet disconnected from this reality.

As if I were born again.

I have no memories of that past self anymore.

The other day I was asked,

if I had ever been in a toxic relationship before.

It was a conversation between manager and managee, but we don't see it that way.

We are friends.

And we got onto the topic of crazy exes.

And so I told my story. About the one man I dated before coming out of the closet.

And how he threw me into the ground, after pulling a knife on me.

To be honest I threw him to the ground first.

It was after a concert.

And we were both drunk.

But after a slip up I made we ended up on a train going the wrong way.

And I had a panic attack.
He didn't like that.

He took my phone and pretended to throw it across the tracks.

So of course, I was in distress.

And I cried, and I cried.

And I had been on the phone with my mom, my one true confidante and he stripped that away.

To this day, I still look back on this moment as abuse. Why did no one help me?

He pulled a knife from his pocket and said if I did not stop crying he would slit his wrists.

At that I lost it.

We had a mutual friend who had killed himself.

How dare this ******* threaten the same thing.

Despite the fact that he was an ex MMA fighter I took him down.

I hooked my leg against his and shoved him down into the ground and screamed at him, saying he shouldn't say such things.

And rather than hold me, he flipped me into the dirt and pushed mt face down. I tasted gravel.

Anyone who wanted to help was barked away by him.

Why was I so alone.

Why did no one come.

The rest of us ended in similar situations.

He then proceeded to sleep with my best friend.

And I broke up with more than one person that day.

It's almost like separation anxiety but long dormant.

When your spouse leaves the house and doesn't come back when she usually does.

Your heart physically aches.

Aches to be held and to see her face.

Of course, you know she is safe but there is no where safer than lying next to me in bed.

Being able to stroke her head and feel her presence next you you.

Moments like these can be scary, and at the same time, quite refreshing and beautiful.

Knowing that there is someone in your life that you care so deeply about.

Almost like breathing.

You cannot live without oxygen, and I feel whole heartedly that I cannot live without her beside me.

Some may call that crazy, and crazy it is.

To be crazy in love with another human.

To feel almost apart of them.

It is a dangerous game to play, the game of love.

Because you have not only your own life to be cautious of and worry about, but also that of another.

Without this love, you may be stress free.

But when you have it, and if you have it you know.

That you would rather stay up waiting for that other half of your self to return to you,

than to sit alone, in silence,

wondering what that could

be like.

Is a song by Noah and The Whale.


When I first heard that song, it was Spring.

And it was the Spring that I realized that I was in love for the first time.

In love with a girl.

We were friends and I would go out of my way to walk home with her.

I lived in a small town, and all paths lead the same way. But I would take a longer one just for those extra minutes together.

I remember the first time I made her laugh. It was over something stupid and minuscule, but laugh she did.

And I soaked every chord of sound that it held and remember it to this day.

Love is a funny thing. It's like once it happens you can never forget it.

If you did forget it, then it wasn't real love.

It's as simple as that.

I would walk with her to this crossroad and we would pause.

At first it was a few minutes at best, but as summer came around it was minutes upon minutes of dragging out this time together.

She was studious, and always made the excuse to go home and study.

And that time came later and later the more we continued this pattern.

But without fail,

whenever we would part ways and she would walk past the catholic school and I would descend into the trees, after waving goodbye until we could no longer see eachother, I would put on this song.

And I would revel in it, taking in every note ever lyric.

And in my young 17 year old heart I knew. Something knew...

That this song would eventually have severe and deep meaning to me.

That someday it would strike something in my heart that made me understand why everything had happened and that it had happened for a reason.

That moment came today.

On the first day of Spring.

When I randomly remembered that songs named and played it,

And all of these memories came flooding back.

Like a blocked stream finally flowing.

Connecting with my past self and knowing, that I have come
so far.

If you're read my poems before, just know that this is about the same girl.

That one.

The one that got away.

Can be the scariest moment of your life if it is true.

The scariest time.

Yes you are in love, but you also fear for what could happen if you lose it.

I'm not talking about cheating or disconnect,

I am talking about death.

The worst thing you could ever imagine, is your partners death, and what you would do without them.

It's an unbearable pain. Even if hypothetical.

It's tragic, it's lonely, it's toxic.

You start thinking of all the things you would do if you suddenly found your boo dead.

It's such a particular dread.

I know I have anxiety.

And that is what causes these thoughts.

But still I think about what would I do,

I she were to leave this earth.

The funny thing is we have this kind of suicide pact. If she were to leave I would follow and vice versa.

Sometimes I wonder if that is really true. And I picture life without you.

And all I see is me

drowning at the

bottom of the

ocean.

I would happily gulp down waves of salt if it were fact that I could

never see her again.

Blue, blue

raspberry.

Is that a real flavour?

Summer time, sun shines which is rare in Canada.

I remember changing outfits several times.

Sweat dripping like regret lingering, and being totally unsure of the whole situation.

Was she who she said she was?

But after driving my car up to the train station and seeing her there, leaning against the concrete so obsolete so complete. Hair spiked into a mohawk, sunglasses covering her eyes.

I took her for ice cream in my whip. I didn't know it then but she liked that.

After icecream we go for a walk but don't get very far before I say um I'm parked illegally.

So we go back and I drive her to the pier. Nothing to see here.

But she did ask to hold my hand.

Have you ever been on a first date so pure?

And we were no where near done.

She asked to hold my hand and I said yes.

And then I took her minigolfing.

I dropped her off at the station around 7pm.

We have not gone more than a week without seeing eachtother since that first date.

Im fact we live together,
and are getting married.

It's times like these that I would have messaged you in vein, in pain.

But I know I can't do that anymore.

Even though it hurts and you would have listened, would have been too eager to listen.

I know it was all wrong.

But at the same time there is no one here to take your place.

I live in a small world with few to talk to. And when the one person you rely on most isn't talking back.

You sometimes need that support of someone else who will listen. And let you rant.

I need a new best friend.