I was suppose to be in Vegas right now...
Sitting at the nickle slots enjoying a
Fat cigar and free drinks
Losing more
Money,life,sanity
A flashing light, Bell ringing suicide
I even had a coke deal lined up
So I wouldn't have to sleep for
The weekend.
But life got in the way
It always does
Broken down truck,having to move
To a different **** shack
I can't afford Vegas or coke or cigars
Or life
So here I am
On "vacation"
4 days off of work
Locked in the room
Staring into the mirror and assaulting the typewriter
Sanity crawls away like a fat maggot
With a belly full of rot
I gotta get out of here...
I leash myself to Thurber's hounds
And begin to walk to the library
I pass the farmers market
Where the stench of the smiles and
Burnt pork pollutes the smog filled
Air
I look into the crowd to find a face that looks as human as
I feel
It is not there
I shoot down 9th past the 99¢ store
And there is a homeless black guy
Standing next to his bedding
And a stack of books
I look down and on top there is
Homer's Illiad and Thoreau's Walden
(For real! No ****!)
I nod and hope this man believes
His journey is not over yet
I walk into the filthy old library
Return Thurber
He reminded me how insane women
Can be
Maybe loneliness isn't that bad
I walk over to the fiction section
And pick up Dostoevsky's shorts
I was thinking about "White Nights"
In bed last night
And couldn't remember the final line
It really spoke to me
I sit at a cold wooden table
And turn to the last page of the story
"Only a moment of bliss? But isn't that sufficient for the whole of a
Man's life?"
Oh yeah....that's good.
I thumb back a few pages then
Continue reading
Christ... They even broke Dos's heart?
How cruel was she?
I put it back on the shelf and walk back home
I get caught behind an old woman
She is wearing poisoness perfume
Tight sweat pants and I can see her
Diaper
She walks with a walker
Picking through bushes of flowers
For cigarette butts. It made me sad.
I walk back into my room and lock the door
I think about all the madness that
Went on within this
Paid for prison
I am going to miss it.
This is where I decided I wanted to
Write
I stare into the mirror again
This is going to be
A long vacation...

It happened while listening to a song
An old song i used to hear when
She was around
It happened while somewhere far
Away
The purple blossoms began to die and fall from the tree
And somewhere further she lied next
To another man
Feeling that same howling loneliness
She felt with me
That old song put me right back into
That dim room
Lying next to her
Feeling full
Full of love fear joy and
That underlying loneliness
I am always running  from
I listened to the song and began to
Tear up
I haven't cried in two years
I haven't cried because I haven't
Loved since then
I tried to shake it off and
Focus on the boxing match I was
Watching
But that ******* song kept
******* me back into that dim room
We used to lay around lifeless,jobless,
Starving
Eating a box of Bisquick and each other's souls all day and night
I thought I was missing her
But no, it wasn't that
It was never really love
We were just two wounded spiders
Trying to devour one another
I missed feeling full.
I missed the days without this
Immense burning
I missed the days without death die
Destroy
I missed living *******
The song ended
The  tears never fell
But I came pretty ****** close
Then I felt that ugly humongous
Mountain
Crawl off my chest
I felt the drowning rats climb out of my gut
I walked outside
And watched the purple blossoms
Die from the tree
And the air tasted sweet
And my body felt light
The war is over. The war is over.
My god. I hope my war is over.

She sat across from me diagonally
The husky latina wearing clothes too
Tight
"Now you see here, 0=0 therefore the
Answer is undefined."
I couldn't focus on infinities
She sat staring with her head on folded arms
I couldn't stop watching her legs
They opened and closed slowly in a
Sensual rhythm
"Once you find X you can plug it into the original equation to find Y"
Why?
Her rhythm sped up and I watched
Her push her pelvis down into the
Hard blue metal desk chair
She was really working for it
Was anybody else seeing this?
The sun came in from the window
And laid on top of her
It's shine fell just outside of my reach
I could stretch my arms and touch it
If I wanted to
She stopped the smashing of her
Upper thighs
And began to rub herself back and forth into the uncomfortable chair
"And can anybody tell me WHY we are dividing both sides by 12X?"
I couldn't. I couldn't focus on parallels or horizons
She was going for infinity
She worked it harder and faster
Infinite. Infinite.INFINITE
she began to slow down
Stopped grinding and started the
Thigh smashing again
Slow.
Then she stopped and looked around the room
I looked away
She stood up and placed her purse
In front of her crotch
"The solution is somewhere between
Negative infinity and positive
Infinity."

The mice are howling
They are empty inside
Stagnant rivers
Dead oceans
My leaves are brittle
Incinerating instantly
May they burn inside
Forever.

"Oh! And look at this one!
Sitting alone in a dark room
Preparing a noose from weaving
Two of his child's jump ropes together!
Guess why!
LOVE!
His love is with another man while
He sits at home with a spit covered
Child
Fantasizing his wife's embarrassment
And regret
When she finds him swinging in
The closet.
Oh, my children, my children.
Love is not what I had planned
For thee."

Love. Like the shadows upon the
Pavement
Waiting for the moon to take it all
Away
Where has it all gone?!
Nearly two years without
Kisses,*****,hand holding
Just an empty bed and
No tears
Tears were love
And stabbing yourself drunk on the bathroom floor
Was love
And the time she hacked at her cold White skin when I was going to leave.
Confusion is love
And waking up together on Sundays
Making coffee,cooking eggs,
While laughing in the kitchen
Was love too.
I remember looking into the mirror
One morning
I said "Jesus! What am I going to do when you finally leave me?"
And she said "ugh! I don't know!"
And I laughed hard
And she stared out the window
And I'm still trying to
Figure that out...

Fresh rain and the
Dead leaves rotting in the gutter
All the springs the earth has seen
We're wasted by the bitter cold
You were just a passing breeze on a
90 degree evening
Or a fever in December.
You cold bitter *****
I am just like you now
So why can't we make this
Work?