You beg to the gods
"Please! Have some mercy on me!
Surely I have paid my karma debt
Off by now!"
And you live for the days
When things are dull and dying
The wasted hours
When you don't think of
Any gods at all.

Where are the lilacs inhaling salty
Sea breeze?
Where are moon miracles shining
Bright on salvation trails?
There are no wise rivers here
There are no stagnant trees escaping
The horrors
Where is love?
Where is god?
When I shut my eyes
I watch a brilliant blue-green
Hummingbird
Flap vigorously
Then suddenly stop
Dying in mid air
Falling onto your filthy pavement
Where is love?
There is no god.

"Baby, I do know! They're brown, a light brown."
"They're hazel!"
Jesus Christ,
She was crying again
I sighed,
New love is so dumb.
But as I think about it now
It felt good to play the game.
I held her by the face and stared into
Her eyes
"See! They're hazel. And they have
Stars in them, see?"
Stars? I thought, "****, she's insane too."
"Do you see them? Look."
She pointed to her wet pupil
"See those tiny black spots next to
My pupil? My mom always said they look like stars"
I couldn't see any ******* stars...
But for the sake of getting the argument over with...
"Oh...oh yeah...sure...I see them, yeah
They're right there!"
You sucker. What a fake. Weak.
I pulled back my head and stared at
Her whole face.
"Baby, you're so beautiful."
She looked up at me
Wet shining stars and all.
We kissed
And she looked up and smiled
Though not a normal smile.
She could smell the blood and
Fear.

I saw her
Standing still
While the earth walked in
Slow admiring circles around
her
I meant to say something
Brilliant, beautiful,
But I couldn't speak
Because I didn't want to cough
I seemed to always be
Choking on this world.

It's crawling somewhere
Unseen
Amongst tall wild flowers
Breathing slowly
Its lungs expanding with cold crisp
Air.
It's dangling somewhere from old
Willow branches
Photosynthesizing beneath
That tortured immortal sun.
It cannot be confined by money
Or walls
Women
Or half filled liquor bottles
Polluting stale air
It's floating somewhere in a screaming river
No course. No destination.
Destined for never.
I was thinking about it today
As I walked in hungover circles
In the department store warehouse
The manager saw my bloodshot eyes
And asked "WHATS TAKING SO LONG RAY? WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO BE DONE!?"
I think I am done now.
It's burrowing somewhere in burning desert sands.
It's smiling. Smirking.
It's laughing at me.
The moth and the 40 watt bulb.
I think I am done now.
Burning my wings again and again
And again.

I swept up the shards
Of brilliant flowers
And picked up a bouquet
Of broken glass,
Stuck my face in deep
Inhaled.
Can you see it?
This misunderstood
Beauty
In grotesque things
Such as this
Inside of me?

I forgot how it felt
To itch in a human skin.
I forgot that the hangovers are there
To tame me.
You see ,
A few weeks ago I went for
The works.
Beers, double gin and tonics, whiskey, some ****** ***.
I blacked out, of course...
But the REAL problem was that
I couldn't breath the next morning.
So I decided to go dry for a month.
I forgot that I think too much.
I forgot that there is some
Beautiful bright and rotten energy Exploding
Inside of my small body.
I want to wage war with the moon.
I want to spit at the sun.
I want to pull your hair back
And love you like broken glass.
I want push my face through cactus
Spines
To **** at the juice.
All this
Beautiful bright and rotten energy
Inside of me is burning.
But I still can't face
Those wolves on my doorstep.