She doesn't know her worth
She's afraid to make it work
He's crying till he feels her soft touch
He realizes he's not much
May his wishes be denied
Yet he wishes upon the stars everynight
Not every wishes come true
Hard work and time has a seceret value
Why must it still be the end
He's daydreaming because he can accept reality

He writes his story
Rewrites his wishes
Cringes at the possibilities
Sings a comforting song
Cries in the end
Wakes up and rewrites again
His story doesn't matter
Only his actions
Not much to afford
Can't keep up with these transactions
His story isn't filled with wealth
But his advice can be gold
His story isn't the all about happiness
But his story can sure show you the best moments of joy no one will have
He doesn't give up nor is he all that bad
His story will show survival of the fittest
Strength and bravery
He's kind because he continues to sleep in the dark
His story isn't filled woth greediness and selfish needs
His story is filled with hopes and dreams
But the reality of his story is for someone else to learn

A gathering to enjoy each others presence,
A gift to see everyone smiling.
I'll build a fire for us to sit by.
My loved ones will all raise a glass with me
Wine for the lady's and us men will enjoy the scotch, brandy, and or whiskey
A drink to enjoy the occasion of being together as a family

-Hopefully your cup never empties therefore I'll be your wine.-
Cheers to us
A sip of our moments, laughs, and love
Wine, Scotch, Brandy, and or Whiskey

I fell in love with some regrets
For all the experience I'm happy to say I've learned self-respect
Just broke down for a minute
But ***** it I'm going to revisit
What's love without disappointment?
Guess I'll never know without a propper appointment.
I'd like a PRN for anxiety!
I don't remember a RX# but I can tell you my mental reality.

You were always so sweet to me when you requested my presence.
We'd always have a drink and share cigarettes and just talk.
Our sweet snuggles with True Blood in the background. Dogs also snuggled in with the both of us. It was literally peace, I've never been in a safe peaceful place in a long time. I swore I was able to sleep just fine. I almost never wanted to leave. Your smile and giggle was literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I still remember the happiness of your energy when you'd wake me up. The very first time I slept over you woke me up and asked me if I wanted donuts for breakfast. I've never blushed so hard in my life but I drifted off to sleep, my bad love. I'd read out loud my journal entries and my poetry. I'd express my feelings and history with a few drinks and cigarettes as you lay in my arms seeking peace and comfort. I'd never been so happy to share my poetry I'd almost thought you was bluffing until you asked me to keep going. It was right then and there I knew you were serious about your interest with my words. I still day dream about you requesting me to come over. I knew you weren't ready for any relationship, I couldn't careless about your history, but I did care a lot about you and your request was always granted in my book. I don't blame you one bit for ghosting me. I'd be scared too, but I do know one thing. I wish to be scared with you.

Please no favors
No card see you later
You're no heart breaker
Last I checked You're a faker
So bye hater
Onlyfans
Because begging never stood a chance
Not even worth snap premium
I'm blocked thats fine
I still don't waste no time
Find a better hobby
Tinder has more check ins and out in the lobby
I'm no hottie
But I'm real
My personality melts steel
I'm pretty chill
I goof off and let time spill
Family and homies is all I need
Beer to chug with liquor to seek
I'm the one about to succeed
If you're real you can speak

We're all crazy,
We'd do anything to make it sane.
I'm not the only one that runs to safety,
Make it stop because I'm going insane.
I shouldn't run and look back.
But that's all I know do to hope.
Since you've left I pray for a I love you and a kiss.
It's you I miss!
I know we said and did things we don't mean.
I'm happy because we both always came clean.
But why do we do this to each other.
I know we'll make it together.
We just got to start all over and treat each other better.
Fine no trust, no forgiveness,  but let's just at least keep are arms open.
We tend to fall with out a catch.
At least are instincts are accurate.
For you I'd hold you in my arms and make the time decelerate.
I'm sure we both would rather start over and adjust.
Our love life together for me is a must.
It's you I truly desire.
If I'd had to I'd go back and make sure it's all of you I admire.
I do love you babe, we made love and we made mistakes.
Baby let's hold each and do whatever it takes.
Without you I feel everything that breaks.
I say again we're all a little crazy.
Love is something that can get between same and insanity.
Truth is we all hide behind what we know to get away from reality.
I just wish she'd come home.

Woke up with your touch.
Nothing was just good enough.
I'm a go and get buzzed,
Arguments been a bit tough.
I would tell the world, you were already my only girl.
But things come to a end.
I'm a grab a drink and play pretend
Pretend your sincere compliments were enough to keep up the attention.
Good morning and good nights
Have a good day and let's come home to more pointless fights.
The hellos and now good byes.
**** do you think would happen when my happiness became a priority.
Sorry my emotions had seniority.
I'm a get better now without your smile to picture.
I Frame up my flaws to move forward with out looking back.
This is the new chapter of a new act.
You called them **** ups, I've made room for improvements.
**** the love I've once brought, then we make up and still fought.
What did I do I already forgot.
How and I to reach the top.
You've been my anchored, but the homies supported me with a life jacket.
Sorry drownings for the weak and I know you can't hack it.

A trip to a lake
My heart had to break
A few drinks deep
If I was okay do you really think I'd a still had the nerves to speak?
A ice cold drink chilling on the doc with me
It's so peaceful
I wished to be happy
Memories flooding
This lake gave me waves
Time to go and be brave

I can't describe what I'm glancing at.
But it does slow down time.
Perfect smile with a beautiful face, I can see her eyes shine.
I could bring over some whiskey,
She can talk to me.
I'd be listening.
A beautiful girl, trapped in a toxic world.
I can just daydream to show her a gentleman. I could take her to a drive in. Junk food and movies to enjoy the young night. Talk under the stars and bring her to breakfast to enjoy a cup of coffee.

We fight its a rush, my commitment for you just isn't enough. I began to wonder if this was love. You totally sooth me when I begin to doubt. We fight and make up, I cry when you shout. We switch roles and you cry when I shout too. I think I'm a fool. But it's impossible to leave you. Nobody can understand what we've been through. All I have is yours, I can't even lock and secure these doors. You've been the nightmare of my dreams. A love I can't escape. False hope to the world, pure hope in mine. You use memories to manipulate me all the time. You bring comfort to my panic, I gave you everything you've demanded. My privacy is a myth, I still smile because one day I'm ending this. Your mistakes hurt me real bad. The best and the worse one can ever have. I don't wish this to come back. A love so sinister, a guilty pleasure.  You'll always win even with your lies. But you strung me along for that hope. You promised me a heart that already broke. You gave me a world....apocalypses. I can't believe your love to me is so toxic.  When you mistreat me you always victimize. Doesn't matter with tears pouring down my eyes. I'm not myself, but it's fine because I've got you to fix my mental health.

I change and it wasn't enough
I fall down to get back up
All of this is meant for me
Still managed to catch myself unhappy
All I ever do is try
When will I land a win
No such thing as a finish line but where do I begin
Reset and start all over
Thats all I'll ever do, I'm losing myself again

I turned my tears to sweat
All led to success
But guess what?
This guilt still fills me with regret

Don't Resuscitate
Life and reality has to separate
I'm a mess is this my fate
Guilt isn't great
I've got a vision
Filled with suspicion
Why is everything closing let me in!

Reality stronger than my dose,
I wanted to take something just as close.
One good handful is all I need. Leave the bottle alone with me. Eyes bloodshot, all the drinks and pills I've got. My securities drowning, no life jacket so now I'm hollow and floating. The amount I've consumed for my world to move slow, is it possible to really overdose?
SSRI's  talked to me softly, I'm yelling at myself to walk slowly. Heart begging violently. Oh you're triggered? Pill that trigger and bust out a shot. Cheers ***** that's a pillshot.

Brother is a deep meaning to me.
Guess people out there just use it meaningless.
You'll always get my back,
I sure as hell got yours and I'm ready to help that's a fact.
I use to be the only kid that had a problem. I've got brothers that never really helped to solve them.
Now you're in my pack,
I'm no longer a lone wolf thank you for having my back.
I'll always keep you with me brother.
Believe me you a part of the family bub.
Let us laugh, let us cry, let us be angry, let us succeed and fail together.
It's not fake it's not a phase.
For you I'd always be there with or with out a trace.
Have a beer with me brother.
I'm celebrating because we've got a journey together.

I can't help to have a episode.
I enjoy the discomfort a bit too much.
Maybe I enjoy it all being rough.
I know I'm mentally weak,
Sometimes I can't sleep.
I sometimes don't eat.
I need help but I forgot how to speak.
I don't wish this struggle upon anyone else.
I still struggle with this mental health.
I swore upon god that I'm in hell.
My guardian Angel had fell.
Can't increase anxiety any further, this is a dark place I know far too well.
I want this pain to cure my episodes.
But I am also afraid of being hurt.
Am I a masochists'?
Am I just ******?
I've attempted to find help.
But destruction was the first responder.
Guilt hit me up after.
Depression gave me a place to stay.
Guess what anger brought me?
  PTSD

If I ever fell off
Who'd help me climb back to the top?
My doors closed but Who'd actually knock?
Would you even check if it's locked?
Empty bottles in trash
I never swore it'd be my last
I'm just failing for hopes of my best
Please don't put my patience at a test
I've got shots that made me feel hollow
I still work tomorrow
Did I give away my hoodie or did I lend it for someone to borrow?
Whats the anxiety for?
It's just me, but who could I ignore?
They call out your worse, they don't recognize your achievements
That's why you've ways felt so defeated
Hang in there for the next sunset
Sit outside and watch the stars in peace
Teach yourself to be solo
But expect the worse so you don't lose control
Always feels like the end
But the world's a circle you just have to try again the next spin
Life makes me dizzy
Anyone else relate?
I'll feel upset but I've learned from that mistake

I'm hurt
Don't know my worth
Got to get up and head to work
Past due bills
In the negatives
I just want to get by
About done with life
When will I be alright?

The harder I tried to seek us out, the doubts in my securities screamed so loud. As a gentle lover, I've come to agreements with my over thinking and man they've become so violent. My heart sang and beat my chest. But in person I'm so silent. A cry for attention put my begging to a rest.
If we fell....
I'd come up with 365 ways to show my love for you. But put on repeat until you give me no reason too.

My fears and feelings aren't in my priority list
First off where do I even begin
I've got a heart ache with no treatment
Maybe I need a PRN
I'm complicated to understand
I've been known for my flaws but no one will listen to my goals
I'm complicated
I'm sure people get frustrated
But I am at least a understanding man
I know what it's like to have nothing
I also know from right and wrong
Dont mean I'm special or doesn't mean I'm a brat
I'm complicated and my lies use to be fat
But I'm not about to sink in these lies
I'm a swim to high ground and bury this ****
I'm complicated
I dont mean to be
I mean to make it with or with out help
Attempts to stay in good health
I've got a heart ache
My heart is in a middle of a crisis and there's no time to break

I'm afraid
I'm insecure
Especially when you're not busy
Or when you're not here
I manage to drown my ego full of bad insecurities
All because I'm to clingy

I refused to be hurt again, but it was me who left my feelings open. The avoidance of conversations that are too deep.
A heart is expensive and I gave mine to you for free.
Couldn't believe you cheated on me.
A trillion apologies and false promises to gaze upon.
I gave you one apology that left you confused.
I told you I was sorry for staying behind and trusting you.
My biggest regret was me relearning the trust and faith I had in you.
I can't sleep, I'm too depressed to eat.
Hearing your voice made it difficult to breathe,
I don't understand how you did this to me.
I trusted you to go out and drink, then you chose to cheat
(willingly)
I gave you my world while yours was on fire.
But you turned out to be a liar.
Gave you advice,
but you used it to manipulate me.

I can't express how I'm feeling
But I'll play my role
Some luck behind these masks
some misfortunes with a act
I picked a role....
But the found knives flying behind me
Watch your backs, some smiles are sinister

I get mad
I get impatient
But I will not lose my cool
I'll do whatever it is I need to do
Please give me space
To get myself back in place
Just a moment and I'll be okay

I woke up with some xanax. Realized I've got some more to text. What's next? I don't know, I'm already anxious asf time to go. Make my feels glow. Rightfully no. I just want to end it, this isn't healthy. What do you mean y'all care about me. I hate me. Zoloft, benzodiazepines, melatonin, SSRI's got me begging for a stronger dose what a surprise. Give me my bottle, bout to make me sleep see you tomorrow. I can't blame anyone else but myself. Struggling to stop but at the same time it's not helping. But atleast it's something. Hush Nellie stop talking. Swallow a depressant and stay silent. Nobody has to know. What can they even do? If they knew? What they're gonna hold you? Yeah right, no ones stuck around to watch you stick up and fight. You're close to losing life. Pill the trigger and commit to the pillshot.
Part three.....

I couldn't handle much, I've let go love
I'm giving up, Your smile still haunts me
Place was so empty
You were a great half of me
Now I'm moving on slowly
I gave it my all, now out of the couch I crawl
Sorry for is both, now time to let each other go
Life after life
Dim light after dim light
Miss the feeling of being alright
Darling I've been giving up
I'll be fine, I'll be safe
Have to go our separate way
Friday, payday
No mall trips or fastfood dates
Movies, shows, gameplays gone
I'm giving up and ugly cry till dawn
But these tears that drip
Plant a new me to grow
Drank myself sick
Now it's time to heal and go

My only pen pal, but I know my words. Been through worse. I don't care where I sleep. Even if it's on concrete. Warmth isn't my friend but I've made my bed. Wouldn't plan to quit. Sure that razor and prescription meds had my love. But I found out it was more than enough. Sure I doubt, I pout, but after that I'm out.
You can cause me pain, but I'll be okay. I've got some self hate, but that'll be okay. If no one loves me atleast I've got me. I know darkness well. Don't need compliments from hell. Hey doubt, guess who found myself? I am surviving mental health. Dear doubt, you don't have to worry about me. Just chilling by my lonesome drinking some Bacardi.
P.S
Why continue to doubt me but not your own reflection?

Of course you get angry when I'm jealous
Must have something going because it don't matter when I'm jealous.
Remember when a good friend of mine is engaged?
I do, and you get angry jealous
But it's okay now.
I'm cying in silence do to avoiding me now.
I don't know what you want of me.
Why is it a different story when I'm facing jealousy?
Why is it a different story when i ask questions?
I love you and I'm afraid to lose you again.
But you're getting ****** and "sick" of the the ****.
So it doesnt matter when I'm insecure about it.
I can't help feelimg some wounds open.
I'm jealous and I miss the clingy!
But it's alright now because I'm currently not around

My thoughts woke me up, insecured thoughts began to knocking and my heart screamed oh ****. I'm just trying to put it all past me. I'm beginning to lose sleep. Cups of liquor to numb me. Now I'm feeding my flames with gasoline. Gaurds scraping my words and security running thin. Word of a wise, but I forgot how to live my life. **** I'm sorry, but I'm my own individual to fix up. Atleast I've got family to love.
Reality was smooth to swallow, but ****** me up. A prescription to make it hallow, but still to society it's not enough.
One step forward two steps back. Hmmm now I know how it feels when I'm filled with false and hopeless criticism. I'm walking here, just at my pace.

How long?
What's been going on?
What am I?
Does it feel any better?
Any regrets yet?
Better yet how do you really feel?
Is this love any real?

Posting things for a future wanted dream
But can't even take a second to appreciate it all because of a screen
Selfies with everything thing
I've notice a nice ceiling out of it
Screen ready to go in the back of the pocket
What's a vacation?
I think I'll ask unemployment
Globally falling apart
Oh wait that's my world
Sorry about that, I write to avoid a anxiety attack
I hear everyone's struggle, but it's a double faced trouble
Ghostface, a struggle wave
But I'm not about to surf unnecessary drama
Just trying to keep a mental picture in a safer frame

About to head out with the homies we better double up
Drinks on the rocks we about to get this dub
In it to get stupid
I want to act stupid
Talking too much just turn the music up
Have the bass double up
Cranberry juice and titos
Careful lil homie don't be talking to the hoes
We're here to drink, let your mind shrink, I want to see you sink
Double up on shots
Shoot your chances away because you can't be giving it a thought
Jag bombs with whisky
Beer lined up hand them to me
My double fist my drinks I'm a call it Nellie's doubled up
About to give alcohol some love
Late night club
Homies and I are about to double
They'll shoot pool, I sit on a stool
Sipping my drinks as the ice keeps them cool
Let's get stupid
Play a song from cupid
Shuffle that **** on the dance floor
Double up my drinks I'm ready for more

What would it be like to rewind time? If only I can replay that on repeat I'd always visit my favorite times. Now I'm empty and trying to not cry, I distract myself to take a break but I still crumble inside. I eat to have enough energy to waste. I am about to put some pills onto my diet plate. A dose of depression was all I can taste. But I put on dad's jersey, even though it now hurts me. But I still feel comfort in that pain. Hurt like hell to carry you to your grave, I Burried you and now all I have left is your name. You died at a young age, now I'm trying to avoid making calls to your cell. Losing you and your mom in the same week hurt like hell. But you'll always be my hero, I may not be able to call. But I've got some alcohol. Potentially tempted to get a xan or a clonazeapam. Either way losing you would be the worse drug dose. You and I were so close. But I hang my dad's jersey and the clothes I wore when he passed. All I can day dream about is him randomly calling my cell back.

One minute they're there to converse
Didn't matter if things got worse
Conversations with me got shorter,
They've got attention with someone else
That's because I wasn't close any longer
But I've got to start using my armor
But my feelings aren't bullet proof
So I began taking shots like I'll run out of stock
Back to the bottom because I was never on someone's priority spot
I could keep filling my glass with doubt
Drink it till happiness blacks out
But what's the point, I'd rather feel numb
People have lives I get that but their subliminal post feel as if it's directed to me and I feel so dumb
What have I done?
Just fuckimg lonely but I'm not alone!
How is that any comfort to anyone? Especially when it feels like betrayel is something they own!
Converse with me is like a question game because I've wondered what intrigued them
No one knew me, just know of what I've done, or who I chill with
I've surfed couches but delt with a harsh wave
Slept in my vehicle not a ******* soul gave a ****
I never knew how to converse because this short story always had to come up
That was me trusting you and showing you some love
But since I'm crazy might as well act like you don't know me
Well that's not all wrong who the **** had to patience to get to know me

There you go
Off by your lonesome
Thought you'd be different
Nope that was a mistake
What's a date?
Give me a story
Ghosted once again
**** ya'll
I'm a focuse more on me

All these doubts are making me lose motivation. Especially when I feel good about a situation. Never a dull moment but always a sharp pain. With a thought of comfort I put myself in vain. But on the bottom of a mountain I still see beautiful views. With not a moment to lose. Not trying to get myself confused. Doubts gave me a hand, depression gave it a round of applause. Anger filled my world with chaos.
I've chased dreams before. But a catcher caught it, so I bought it and tried to catches more. Now the dreams catch me.

I've spent a lot time hiding
Spent years fighting
My tears, my depression, all all relating to all these dark reasons.
I can't understand anymore feeling I'm floating so slow.
Mental chills and I'm laying down listening to my fail calls.
Voicemals all i hear.
Where has time gone?
When will I be happy again?
I'm in the wrong but in my defense not everything felt right.
Love is something I'm now passionate about.
I don't care what happens in my life.
At this point I'm almost ready to let life bring somewhere.
"Not dealling with this **** again"
So what my questions are the same.
I didn't get a answer again so my predictions and insecurities must be true.
Go ahead, I'm now a door mat.
But at least I can stay on ground.
No longer floating because I clipped on to a anchore.
I'm a cheat.
I'm a liar.
I'm a alcoholic.
Abuser.
What I'm now?
What am I tomorrow?
You know at this point i don't care.
I'm working on myself so **** the cute nicknames.

I use to be touble
Call me a rebel
**** that law
I'm a retaliate you all
Don't want to deal with this
About to get up to your face with a diss
I get the feeling you're noncompliant
Bend the rules I'm defiant
There was a time when I'd start fights
Looked at me for nothing so I put them on a spotlight
****** nose
Knee to the face down they go
Leave me alone
***** you all
About to drop your jaw
Today I don't have manners
To high of standards
Patients is about to relocate
Send me a location and don't vacate

I'm sorry, I love you.
I went down a dark path.
you dug me out and you fell with me.
you went deeper and suffered.

I can be your love and armor!

When i cry, i look for you.
i wanted you to hold me.
the **** gun is still on safety.

Now i kind of want some pills.
but i cant seek them to dissolve.
I'd choke before the dose.
not successful not even a joke.

I'm full of anxiety,
doubts filling my thoughts now I'm full of
"PTSD"
I've got no personal space.
Always anxious for the worse, I've been doubting my worth.
I'm damaged inside and out.
Emotionally in danger, I smile at a stranger.
The way they hurt me....
makes me feel like everyone's after me
The way I was left, the way everyone laughed and mocked me.
I'm sick of the hurt, with every beautiful promises lied away some discomfort.
***** the difference? Why do I owe you? **** everyone and ******* too!
Ope, I'm sorry I'm impulsively bipolar, I'm full of disorders.
Detachment issues too.
I hate change but I don't want some things to go away. At the same time I miss the old days.
I flinch, I struggle, I cry, and I'm angry.
I'm emotionally damaged.