I love to be left on read.
I think I'd rather be left alone instead.
It's not like life is going anywhere in a hurry.
I'll drink till visions blurred, eat till I fall asleep, and laugh until I cry.
I am my own man, I'm my own consequences.
Until I approve of one other to take over my personal well being and authority..... I will remain happily independent.

You ever love some one so much you'd walk through a physical storm for them? Make sure they're warm and safe.
My baby ain't coming back, I've got to change my act. But it's hard to see what's going on I'm a have to react.
Sometimes I feel like I'm a be alright. All it takes is music and a motivation to write. I find myself writing the same things woth different metaphors.
I glace out the window picturing her next to me. Feel the chills all the way down to my feet.
Toxic, betrayal, and love threw knives. But I'll still have her back. Not like I'm a monster I'm just trying to get back on track.

A beautiful sky, a beautiful view of the light.
Cup of coffee and breakfast full of delight.
There's just something special of the world saying hello, trees and plants still strong and beautiful.
A beautiful scene, a beautiful feeling.
It is a good morning

I'm just sick of it
Not how I imagined it
I'm decent
I'm fine.
I'm good, I'm great, I'm fine.
Not drunk, not sleep deprived.
I'm slowly getting stable.
But I'm also just fine.
I'm fine once
I'm fine twice
Call it a double tonight.
I'm fine

Tell me that I matter to any if you, then make plans with me so I can be the only one to see them through. I've learned to fall in love with my depression because even through my happiest moments depression was the only one patient with me. Got to see the best and worst of me. Weather I was distracted with others or me being lonely. I can sit here all day and take life advice and listen to personal stories and watch others try to redirect me. But it is not going to matter because none of them commit to staying by my side. Maybe I am too weak, maybe I do need to put down a drink, or maybe I need to pick up another bottle of pills and let the SSRIs do the work for me. But I'm still fighting for myself. I'm still listening to everyone trying to conquer their depression over mine. I swear I'm not selfish! I've soon realized there is no cure, just some stitches and false treatment. Depression and I made that agreement. Smiling for real is my main achievement. But I've got a true broken smile that'll enlighten you. When will I find that one to enlighten me?
Ask yourself that before you decide you want to commit to staying with me.

I can barely stand
But I know how to crawl
I can barely laugh
But I can give you a smile
I maybe broken
But I'm in repair
I will not be able to fake it now
But I'll be okay
A lost cause
But a redirection
Not a failure
Just a learning experience
One step away
But I keep the progress going

What's sleep?
Doing it all alone
No one by myside
As predicted I'm the one to cause the issues
Miss the comfort
Miss loving each other in silence
Comunicating with our eyes and with a touch
**** i miss it so much
I cant sleep
Impossible to have a appetite to eat
Tempted to drink
I'm drowning my eye *****
I'm on the floor ready to crawl
Up all night and before i know it I'm in bed again
Repeating the cycle eyes wide open
Anxious and pacing in bed
Eyes fried feeling dead
**** this is painful
Someone find the cure please

If love was easy to fall for the world would be broken. It takes true strength to love, to repair, both souls and hearts. I'm always going to love everything about you, every inch of you, even every opinion you've got. Through the best and worse of times you and I face....... you'll always have a safer place in my open arms.

We went to this concert but you were the one to rock my world. No poison from your smile just a beautiful amazing girl. A chill vibe, a good day and a great night. A kick off to the fourth of July. Sparks from your eye, a smile that got me by. HairBall tradition now, a Red, White, Blue from you. HairBall got me to really admire you. With a smile like that I'd be just as happy as a VIP or up in the nose bleeds.

Somedays I just don't want to, but I have too.
I wake up with tears flooding my face. Doesn't help that I live by myself in this place. Alcohol in my fridge to bring in that comfort.
Winter falls and it's pure ice sometimes I wish I was in a desert.
Atleast I'd be dry and not frozen in this depression. Sis thinks I need a therapy session.
What happened to me?

A love lingers the air around me
Is that reason why I hyperventilate?
I've felt like I am the only one lost, kind of tough to be found.
I drink to sleep, a sip to fight anxiety.
I'm fine when I'm not, time and priorities is lost.
I simply tell everyone I "forgot"
I honestly forget to breathe, that depression consumed me.
In all honesty nothing is really working.
Just me alone in my thoughts and it gets tougher every time I think of the smile.
The screams get louder, I get quieter.
I'm just laying down in silence. Tears form a storm dripping onto my pillow with violence.
I began to Hyperventilate.

I miss you
Need you
But it's goodbye
Have a better night
Eventually I'll be alright
Don't worry anymore
Worry about you now
Sorry it ended this way

"Love you."
Still lingers in air.
Why do I still hyperventilate?

Let the thoughts be a lot more quiet
I wish my mental health would stay silent
Can I please be happier
I shouldn't struggle this hard to fake a smile

"I'm vulnerable, don't mock me!"
Well you're too gullible, it's not mockery!
"I'm ****** in my head"
How about you leave your boy toys alone instead!
You're always claiming something
But you're doing nothing!
You can't read, you failed to succeed.
Now you're saying you've skipped a beat, but you can breathe. Meanwhile I'm still on my feet, not throwing my shots cheap. But somehow you claim you bleed. Like that's another problem for me!
**** your apology, you've never said it.
You're ****** in the head, but leave it open. Now I'm the one to close it and get called closed minded.
I don't think you can add the two cents let alone divide it!
Commen cents, but not a penny towards your common sense. Now I'm the bad guy, still applying first aid to your open wound. Now you want another man to fill your new empty room?!?!
Get the **** out of here and learn by yourself
But you're ****** in the head and all the sudden have horrible mental health.
That didn't stop you with these men full of false hope
You play but can't take a joke
You know, I should really just throw your name out there. But why would I dare?!?!
Oh, right...... I'm still better than that
Don't leave a voice-mail, don't ever call right back
*****!

Yawning is contagious because we're all tired, we get sick from the contagious one because are normal Temps got fired.
But we smile when the others smile do to a desire.
The attention for my lips to touch. With a smile like hers I don't think I can get enough.
She's the one with a contagious smile, she's the one with the cutest lips.
Simply the ones I'd love to kiss.
Eyes trapped me but it doesn't get any better than this.

It's always been difficult for me to decide where I belong.
I've opened my heart to allow others in.
I've been betrayed and gifted countless times.
I swore I'm my own enemy.
But the bottles has helped me.
Bitter sweet with a curse.
Couldn't see straight and I think that was best for the worst.
I've waited eagerly for the best of me.
But darling I think I'm always going to be my worst enemy.
Gave everyone my best
My kindness, became a weakness, and for that I've been locking doors to allow myself to rest.
Go away from me, let me drown myself with my enemy.
Our friendship turned into a bitter sweet story, full of beauty. I my own enemy.

I'm doing okay now,
wished for the best and now life's working out.
What am I to do with my depression?
No one even listens.
This morning I woke up with complete silence.
My desperate measure for attention started to scream,
How am I to work it out and avoid any sort of a scene?
What about me?
What about my dreams?
I am doing okay,
I rest my eyes and take it slow day by day.

So much to debate
You claimed you wanted to date
But the night we met
Was a beautiful happy mistake and I was your regret
As I gazed
My heart sank
I should have stood my ground
I'd rather be ripped apart by these sharks
But the sun dried my eyes out
I'm a go for a drive, one day I'll feel alright.

Do you ever feel like you don't matter?
Every plan that was made just vanishes in thin air.
Do you ever feel like silence is all you're tasting?
Fear and lonliness is a daily feeling.
Any one wanna relate?

Her eyes are warm to the glance
Her personality enlightened a safer direction
Her face beautiful asf
Empty words shot out in a text
I've got no clue what to say or do next
I don't mind waiting, I don't mind keeping a distance
Just need to know

I can't go anymore further with the pain
Got use to names like hunny baby hubby and now painfully you say my name
I'm depressed all the time because I dont make you happy
He's making you happier
I'm getting torn alive
The anxiety of everything especially when I wish it's you laying down by my side.
Hard for me to go, but you don't want me anymore
For my sake I'll try
I miss kissing you and looking into your eyes
But now the cliny darling I know
Will be now doing it to someone else
I just wish I was worth your time

Her smile gestured a secure blanket over my smile.
It's no wonder I felt warm when her lips pressed against mine.
She don't really have to acknowledge me when I do anything for her.
The way she looks at me has done that for me.
I've once fell at someone's feet for them to rake and bag me.
I get a strong feeling this one would let me roam free in the yard.
Falling for the idea for love is a bit crazy for me.
It's interesting and scary at the same time.
Each time is cliche as it sounds, but I sure love learning more about myself when she describes why she liked me.

My heart was sitting on a fence
Couldn't pick a side so I had to learn self defense
Like trouble I'd like a time out
Trying to improve anyone ready to take me out
Here's a chance, but I'm for once generally happy
Aside from daydreaming of a settle
Hopefully one day I'll have my own cute family, but until then I'm okay with where I'm at
Not to skinny, not too fat
Just a decent man waiting for someone to see that
Loyalty is my specialty
The past is the past and I'm on a new journey

I've got good people in my life. People who still treat right. Can't thank them enough, everyone's struggle because ***** just so tough. The weak emotions doesn't workout, but together we put in the reps. With very little rest. Starting all over again to get this struggle to leave. Even if it's temporary we still compete. But friends I've got helped me complete. I refuse to sink, anchored down. But I won't drown. I fight for the surface as they grab me a life jacket. We swim safely to shore. With the friends I've got I believe I won't struggle anymore.

Always needed that company
Never wanted anyone to speak
Just sit in the room silent with me
The comfort of a silent conversation dulled a loud discomfort
Just sit close with some comfort

Why am I expected to learn?
As I'm here struggling to survive.
Harsh walking through life because its thin ice.
I've walked barefoot across the world and the cold gave me a burn.
Its thin ice cracking,
Reality is tough and lacking.
Sometimes it shatters and I've got to swim.
Its freezing I feel as if I can't win.
Thin ice has tought me to be careful.
All I want is to be successful.

I'm in love with you
You're still my light
You bring my heart delight
Been a struggle but you still keep me safe
I'm sorry, I still care
For you I'm a always be there
You're my whole world
My one and only girl.
You're beauty has taught me a lot
Even just a smile takes the pain away
"Sunshine turns the sky to gold"
Strong and unique
You're everything to me
In love with you
In love with everything about you

I don't dare to drown again
My arms stay open
I've failed before
Now I know better
I've gotten stronger
I'll go till i cant anymore

"Delta 16, will you take out a 47? Front desk."
Said the dispatcher.
"10-4"
I Said
But everything seemed so off. I can't hear anyone once I get to the front desk. It's colder than normal. I started hearing my radio break out.
"Dispatch, radio check"
It's still statically
"Dispatch, radio check"
I repeated
in a creepy deep female voice
"Radio check good"
I had assumed that was just delta 12 but the radio was also being just weird. As I proceeded to the front desk I could swear I heard whispers behind the slots themes.
"They're here, get out!"
But then again I had been listening to horror stories and had been watching horror movies.
"Eagle dispatch, 47 front desk"
I had said
But there was no one at the front desk so I waited
"Clear from eagle on your 47 front desk"
Oh great, I'm clear But not clear. Do to no one here.
I heard a voice though...
"back in here hold on one second. I dropped the receipts."
Front desk clerk said
She seemed off to me...
"Delta 16, eta on your 47?"
Said dispatcher
"I'm at the front desk still waiting on the clerk, sorry dispatcher I had thought she was ready"
I start to hear whispers getting louder
"They're here! They're with us! Get out while you have a chance!"
Said the voices
Okay, I think I'm skitz, but I can't help that it dramatically got louder
BANG!!!
"Delta 16, are you okay!? What's going on there!!!!"
Eagle dispatch says
"Delta 16 down, code 4 deltas, I REPEAT CODE 4 DELTA DOWN, DELTA 16 DOWN"
Eagle says in a panic but yet professional voice.
It got cold, outside looks so dark and gloomy. Like rain will down poor but it's also kind of foggy. Only in Minnesota. I began to walk past the front desk because I thought she'd had gone in the back from some reason. But then a guard approached me.
"Sir, you can't be back here!"
A man had said
"Sir, I work here. What are you doing following me?"
I had said
He looks at my badge and I look at his uniform
We both in confusion look at each other
women screaming
I ran over right away towards where I thought I'd hear it.
"Welcome, to hell!"
Dark deep voice
"Dispatch 10-65, 10-24 behind the front desk door!"
I repeated
But no response
Not even a statically sound
But I keep hearing random voices again
"Nellie! Stay with us!!!"
I began to wonder what's going on
I keep feeling a sharp pain on my chest, anxiety level to the max
"Hey, we've got to get moving. Shooting in thus casino!!!"
Said the man
I get up to catch myself fighting masked men
"Get the ******* me!!!"
I screamed
I got beat and I noticed blood everywhere
But I'm only bleeding from my face
I looked up to see that bodies are everywhere and that man is now laughing while bleeding to death
I go to look outside to see the beautiful outdoors one last time before I fade away. I noticed a very tall man in a suit next to another emo looking man with a huge smile
I began to wonder what's happening I'm very very disturbed
But I start seeing a bunch of dark figures crawling from behind them. Then my chest really began to hurt but then my whole body felt a rush of air and a huge shock ran through my body.......
"Clear!!!"
"Hurry up, we're losing him again!!!! Nel, wake up!!!"
I've noticed I'm not okay, as I got a sharp pain towards my side.
I got sharp pain and shocks of waves running through my body!
I scream what's going on!!!!!
I lose sight immediately of the dark shadows and Grey and gloom room and I now see a room full of officers and paramedics and like my whole Delta team
"What the hell happened?"
I struggle to ask
"Nel, you've been shot and stabbed, try and not move or speak"
I knew I should of listen to the whispers. But I can now hear whispers telling me
"He's got you, no escape!"

I'm in love with you,
I am waiting to start our lives together.
We're meant for each other.
I promise you there isn't anyone else.
You're perfect I'd be the luckiest person to have you.
Dont you remember I'm yours?
Please dont shut these doors.
I need you my darling.
Forever yours im falling

I'd be lying if I said I was fine. But **** I swear I'm trying. I feel like I can't express what's going on inside. I'd rather smile with a lie. Behind these hazel eyes are flooded with screams and cries.
I'd do whatever it takes, but without the right motivation I can feel the veins open as my heart aches. I've made far too many mistakes.
I like to believe I'm a astute person, but I've always made it all worse with my temper. Over protective or a over exaggeration? It depends on who observing my attempts and it follows their opinion. I never meant to fight so angry, but I lose control. I'm a ticking time bomb and I got no where to explode. No one to help suppress my depression silently. I'm "drinking" so heavily and my words grown violently. Tell me I'm lost so I can be found safely. I'll allow myself bottled up opinions be so empty. I'm lying to you when I say I'm fine. I put my struggles aside while I swallow a glass of pride. How are we playing hide and seek when I'm out in the open and I've got now one willing to seek me?

You'll find my truck full of cans
Full of bottles
Full of harsh pills I swallowed
I wasted it all then made me swallow
Look at these empty bottles
Blacked out speeding
Pillshot with me feeding
Razor blades has me bleeding
I'm floating in chub lake
You too late
I already did break
Any stories like this can relate?
I was long gone before i knew it
**** to much
Now you'll never see my one motive because I've already drowned
literally
Now leaving spiritually
Not rightfully
I was vulnerable with no help
Whats new, now I've got zero health
I pilled that trigger and forgot
Eyes bloodshot
Weakness made me drop
This is my pillshot

She doesn't know her worth
She's afraid to make it work
He's crying till he feels her soft touch
He realizes he's not much
May his wishes be denied
Yet he wishes upon the stars everynight
Not every wishes come true
Hard work and time has a seceret value
Why must it still be the end
He's daydreaming because he can accept reality

I'm a man, I'm a good man.
This is what I don't understand....
I'm not the best, but I'll be the best you'll ever have. I'll always kiss the scars on your back. But this is what I don't get...
I'm a man not a bank. I'm trying to date. But lately I feel like your ATM, why must I pay for a smile or a compliment. But get degraded and unhuman when I say no. **** man, why must I become the ghost. Rest in peace the dating life. It's not like I can help every broke girl. I am just trying to be that man but not that loan. Might as well stay alone. Because now my motivations in the negatives.