It was your failed intentions that ****** me up, the way you impulsively hurt me me. The way sins blushed your cheeks as tears rolled down mine. Love was meant to hurt me and drive me mad. But I've always loved so madly.
Once upon a time I'd day dream of the right one treating me right. Dates under the dark sky under a blanket of stars. The comfort of a presence.
But now I'm insecure and would rather do what I'd imagine any broken soul would do. I'd smile and tell others I'm fine.

I've been warned to not fall so easily.
But I'm clumsy.
I fall for actions followed up with some attention.
Can't say I'm receiving any of that in return.
Love is so cliche also very difficult to learn.
Most love now a days are toxic.
A argument is
"Commitment"
A compliment is
"A insecurity"
But what do we call fear?
Marriage?
Maybe so, but I'm sure you're following a long with what I meant.
I guess I'll have to give it a chance one day.

I've never been perfect.
Never wanted that pressure.
I've always been the first responder.
But I'd be begging and pleading,
Searching for a station on the radio that never existed,
Along with no comforting sounds receiving.
I've been talking to walls and forget what they've said.
Knuckles defending my insecurities as they bled.
I'm reaching out to be left on read.

Couldn't fight the good that turned out to be kind of bad.
I tell myself I didn't deserve any of that.
Had a few tears and a couple of laughs.
Recycling a bit of me to bring myself right back.
I believe I can repair the broken,
Should have not allowed myself to be that open.
Mistakes made me.
Success destroyed me.
Anxiety hits uncontrollably,
Now I'm learning it's not all that bad.
Once again I'll learn from all of that.

Headphones on
Music loud
Shuffle playing
Shhhhh don't sing along
But I'm staring at the ceiling
The lyrics per song had me feeling
Now I'm over thinking.
Hush now think softly
Tell me to go at ease on my body
Headphones in
Some songs on repeat.

Tossing and turning in a dim lit room.
I'm cold, I'm warm, I'm sweating, I'm shivering. **** indecisive restless body. Tell me to go to sleep most of the day to stay awake all night. Mood enlightened but then loneliness kills that vibe. I'm up again most nights. Headphones in again, sleep is something I'm hoping for. I can't tell sometimes if I'm a be alright. But awake again as the sun rises. Chain smoking when I'm tired of being awake. But awake when I'm tired. Back to a daydreaming world. I'm as happy as can be as reality storms. What am I actually awake for? Exhausten comes in many forms.

Attached to a heart with no pulse.
Wrapped around the finger but my attention was paid through impulse.
Picked me up to my knees had me pleading.
Depression had me bleeding.
I'm no longer hardly speaking.
Only voice anyone's heard was a non sober one.
I guess that's why I shouldn't be allowed to love.
But why am I writing love notes to agony?
Is this the only hope I've got left in me?
Can you imagine caring for someone so much?
But my sincerity goes further away from their direction.
Either I am meant to be a toy and rolled up & down wrapped around their fingers....
Or I'm meant to lose my pulse knowing I took my anxiety attacks too far.

The air dark with the weather cold.
In bed still stuck in my head.
Tossing and turning, holidays still burning. But I'm frozen.
Is this what it's like to be numb?
A rush of confusion as the hours burry me in my pillow.
Tears flooding, stomach growling, heart pounding, and I still have no motivation.
Go ahead and fire me.
Go ahead and hang out without me.
Go ahead and ignore me.
My eyes are a bit preoccupied anyways.
Cold waves, air suffocates me.
I'm paralyzed with depression.
I don't need no counseling.
Shhhhhhhh
I'm a try to sleep the world away.

With the voice of a siren.....
I can still see myself getting lost in those eyes. Abandoned ship! I'm floating the dark ocean. No where to swim too. Just the night skies with a siren singing to me. I'm unsure if it's a trap or the key to my safety. With a voice like that? How could it be a trap? A kiss so sinister and the feeling of being secure. Where do I go from here? Once upon a broken smile? I'm brain washed from this voice. My body aches and I'm tired. I'm sore, I just don't want to swim anymore. If you're going to swim with me.....
Then swim and don't drown me.
Please

I should probably turn off my phone.
Drinking habits began from a broken *** home.
Brain washed from toxic relationships and toxic habits.
Here's a shattered heart anyone can have it.
How are you not cold? How are you holding on?
I once learned how to swim from thin ice, I've became my own anchor.
I've been doing most on my own.
Shhhhhh
This is the part where you don't get to see me open up.

I don't I can ever compete.
A trillion thought hite at once.
Can't write, can't think, can't eat nor sleep.
Just some dark poetry.
A little bit of Breaking Benjamin to get me through my anxiety attacks.
***** they come in waves. I forget to journal and forget to write words.
For better possibly for the worse.
I can't forgive anyone but myself for the ones who had my hurt.
Jokes on you I can't write to express myself tonight, that's all you'll be able to read from my poetry.

I wanted what you wanted.
Time spent under the stars, I'm enjoying you from up close and from a far.
Loud music and drinks from your car.
Northern lights flooding the sky. We left early, but the Eskimo kisses had me blushing with colors. Northern Nights with each other.
I would like to hold your hand again, this night is amazing especially when I spend it with you. I held you so close. We was jamming in my front seat. Northern night with no lights to see. But it was your northern smile that lit up my eyes.

A sip of desire, a beautiful smile had me inspired. Voice of a siren, kisses had me dying.
I'm at a struggle but her smile put me on my feet. Have no idea what this means. Beautiful selfies from a queen.
Feels got better
Wished to write a letter
Soft as a feather
Her Hand held mine together
Hmmmm a smile
A kiss
Tell me and show me that there is a place better than this.
I'll wait, but until then I'm mentally at peace.

A moment to own.
But a moment to let go.
Vulnerability like a disease.
But I've got to put my soul at ease.
How do you erase a feeling?
How do you delete a chapter in your life?
Too late not possible.
You can make edits, you can put in corrections. But you can not delete. Letting go is a huge roll before your next chapter. Being toxic is curable, you've just gotta stop being vulnerable.
"Will you re-read your chapter?
Are going to move on to the next? "
Shhhhh
I'm moving on to the next page.

I just listened to all of your messages on my phone, still some how comforting but I'm on edge and I felt so alone. We both had a great adventure, you and I kept each other safer. But a storm struck and put you at danger. I'm at a lost of words, **** really hurts. With the words I could of said, they're now trapped in my head. Too the moon and back baby, been missing you a **** ton lately. I don't think I'll ever recover, but I'd still repair myself and hope I can put it back together. I miss sending you letters. Darling you deserved better. I came accross old pictures I forgot about. Laughed out loud, cried silently. Now my storms full of panic attacks swarming my chest with anxiety. Hello darling I miss you so much, a voicemail to get me through for a moment. You're quotes "I love you"
Got me through after a moment of hyperventilation. I wish to squeeze you and hold you for life. How do I accept reality because this **** isn't right. Cupcake I love you and I'll be sure to take it easy tonight.

Lost another from home, lately I feel like I'm a be more alone. Due time the fear of getting closer, I don't want to be sober. Wish they didn't leave the family tree where the branch broke, now the branch is in the dirt. Hearing the news really ******* hurt.
Everyone here? I'm lost and I'm a have me a beer. Can't really hear, my mind isn't clear.
The drink isn't strong enough, you're just so ******* young! I'm a give this bottle of whiskey a good chug! You've always had my love! You were like my brother! You and the others! A happy broken family, I can't believe this **** we was always so happy! Wasn't much but it was real! Now I'm sipping whiskey ugly crying to deal.
It was you that took me in when no one gave a ****, it was you to cheer me up when I was down. I've always owed my world to you and all you wanted was my loyalty.

I wouldn't trade love for the world, but I'd trade my world for love. A beautiful soul? I think my personality would be more than enough. I've beat myself up for the sake of mental health! Not once had I attempted to seek help. Sober today..... Gone tonight, I best put my self on do not disturb so I can avoid a fight. Had a girl once tell me I've got a beautiful crack in my smile, just a tad broken. Tender, love, and care should do the trick. Her being around was more than enough. Just like my broken smile she had left, left me with a frown. I guess I shouldn't allow anyone to pick me up when I'm down. Vulnerability stays open, I just refuse to allow ya ******* to see me broken.

I apologize for taking forever, to be honest I'm just trying to puzzle others back together. I'm forgetting my mental health can't take any longer, I'm forgetting simple tasks and I've stored **** in my locker. Hours of contemplating with concern got me to drown deeper in water, it got cold but it burns as if it got hotter. They'll never get the chance to comprehend my feelings because not one but most forget to pay attention. Especially when I'm expressing my words with passion. But depression for them had to happen. It's no different than talking to my pillow because when I'm depressed I lie down too. Faith in my ears for others for me to listen too. My lips go through the motion but not a sound left, now I've got no idea what to do. It's a far road to one's heaven, but it's closer to a loved ones hell. Suicide is everyone's option, but there's always some sort of help. I wish the losing streak wouldn't belong to mental health. If I've got to be there I'll be the last one to know, because I'm mentally afraid of having to be at another funeral. Please just call, it's not worth leaving this planet. You've got my love and now my attentions are woken up here ya go you can have it.

**** never works, I've been choked up I forgot how to use my words. I swear I've been bad luck since birth, probably will continue til I'm under the dirt. But I swear I've got some worth! I don't compare or compete my trauma from his or hers from better or worse. This isn't a race nor a challenge. I swear to God I'd help one in need. But for **** sakes I forgot how to feel complete. Just ******* lonely in all honesty. Last thing that never happened was some false hope, now I'm alone. Fat and broke. Just enough to get by, the last one I liked asked for every cent. But my attention had to be spent. I said no more and blocked the witch, I'm no one's ATM nor anyone's *****. If I'm being honest I'd rather have be alone, beats having a fake. It's just a shame there is so much potential, I just want to rise with someone and feel special. Maybe even.... one day be successful.

I'm a man, I'm a good man.
This is what I don't understand....
I'm not the best, but I'll be the best you'll ever have. I'll always kiss the scars on your back. But this is what I don't get...
I'm a man not a bank. I'm trying to date. But lately I feel like your ATM, why must I pay for a smile or a compliment. But get degraded and unhuman when I say no. **** man, why must I become the ghost. Rest in peace the dating life. It's not like I can help every broke girl. I am just trying to be that man but not that loan. Might as well stay alone. Because now my motivations in the negatives.

If love was easy to fall for the world would be broken. It takes true strength to love, to repair, both souls and hearts. I'm always going to love everything about you, every inch of you, even every opinion you've got. Through the best and worse of times you and I face....... you'll always have a safer place in my open arms.

He seeks a vibe, but after a bottle he kills the night. Loses respect, but more of a loss on his soul. He'll fight his flaws after he sobers up. He's destroying boundaries and he's ready to clean up. Drinking too much, a overflowing cup. Grandma I'm sorry I turned out this way. I'm do better, I'm lay low for a while. I'm a fight my drink, I don't need a glass to ponder or over think. Things will be okay. But how do I live? How do I cope? Most importantly how do I stop? I'm scared, but this needs to be done. His sobriety needs to happen. His mental health needs to let him free. Sorry for the ones I hurt, I need to fight my own battle before this bottle tosses me in dirt. Time for me to go to work. Grandma I'm sorry, I'm just lonely.

My thoughts woke me up, insecured thoughts began to knocking and my heart screamed oh ****. I'm just trying to put it all past me. I'm beginning to lose sleep. Cups of liquor to numb me. Now I'm feeding my flames with gasoline. Gaurds scraping my words and security running thin. Word of a wise, but I forgot how to live my life. **** I'm sorry, but I'm my own individual to fix up. Atleast I've got family to love.
Reality was smooth to swallow, but ****** me up. A prescription to make it hallow, but still to society it's not enough.
One step forward two steps back. Hmmm now I know how it feels when I'm filled with false and hopeless criticism. I'm walking here, just at my pace.

You've told me that you appreciate me, I tell you that you mean a lot to me. But all that matters is the years known and the fact that we still are closer than ever. Happier never after. But I'll always have your back. I'll pull up so fast. I feel sorry that you don't have a man to feel complete. But let it be known to the world that your stronger than most. Here's a second of my time because it's piling up to a minute. A heart to offer and you're still in it. You know what means a lot to you and I?
We'll still have each other with no goodbyes.

We went to this concert but you were the one to rock my world. No poison from your smile just a beautiful amazing girl. A chill vibe, a good day and a great night. A kick off to the fourth of July. Sparks from your eye, a smile that got me by. HairBall tradition now, a Red, White, Blue from you. HairBall got me to really admire you. With a smile like that I'd be just as happy as a VIP or up in the nose bleeds.

I'd be more than happy to spend any sort of time next to you. A spot on the bench to watch the seasons fly past our eyes. From gloomy days to gold in the skies. A drink of London fogs to hear about each other's day at work. Stories from our past, I've got the chills thinking and wishing you could be mine. For what it's worth.....That's all that's been on my mind. A duo's, a couple, an even love. But darling what do I have to do to be more than enough?

I am so glad it was never a commitment. You're the one declining my achievements. If it wasn't for your disagreements I'd a never snapped, but it was you spamming my chat. Sorry ***** I'm a disagree with all of that. Good thing my heart never signed no contract. You best not keep in contact. My feelings were for a moment breaking, you ****** me but I was the one faking. Thank you for adding color to this picture because I'll leave it hanging. That's what you get for body shaming. Don't let my homies see our conversations, I'll respectfully warn you to ******* and have a nice life.

You're insecure
I understand
You're angry
I relate
You're controlling
Don't you dare
F YOU for saying some ****
You're lucky you've been blocked before I destroyed your security
Don't you ******* tell me to **** myself again
I'm already alone
F you I've FaceTimed you for hours, I've dealt with your lame *** attention seeking conversations and poor me pity parties.
Now you can F up your trust with others because you've lost mine.
You don't deserve my time

You were always so sweet to me when you requested my presence.
We'd always have a drink and share cigarettes and just talk.
Our sweet snuggles with True Blood in the background. Dogs also snuggled in with the both of us. It was literally peace, I've never been in a safe peaceful place in a long time. I swore I was able to sleep just fine. I almost never wanted to leave. Your smile and giggle was literally the best thing that ever happened to me. I still remember the happiness of your energy when you'd wake me up. The very first time I slept over you woke me up and asked me if I wanted donuts for breakfast. I've never blushed so hard in my life but I drifted off to sleep, my bad love. I'd read out loud my journal entries and my poetry. I'd express my feelings and history with a few drinks and cigarettes as you lay in my arms seeking peace and comfort. I'd never been so happy to share my poetry I'd almost thought you was bluffing until you asked me to keep going. It was right then and there I knew you were serious about your interest with my words. I still day dream about you requesting me to come over. I knew you weren't ready for any relationship, I couldn't careless about your history, but I did care a lot about you and your request was always granted in my book. I don't blame you one bit for ghosting me. I'd be scared too, but I do know one thing. I wish to be scared with you.

I'm beginning to think I'm a *******.
This tolerance was either built in perfection or was meant to be ****** up by their destruction.
The pain of depression has no location, but physical pain always had the location enabled. Maybe that's why I find comfort in my scars. For the sake of the walls I built I will be ****** of my veins bleeding.
I'll find a map instead.
Her hellos and goodnights made me wish her lies were wrapped in my arms. A good day and how was your day made me feel a touch of warmth. It's tough to figure me out.