her smile was beautiful

but it was as fake as the promises my mother made to stay

Give me the shaking knees and sweaty palms.
I want the sad and angry. 
I love the stress.
I get drunk on disappointment.
I like the suffocating feeling.
I know I have to talk myself into doing anything involving human interaction but I like that.
I want my anxiety.
I want my feelings of dizziness and overwhelming fear of impending death.
I'm fine with my inability to stay calm.
And even if I didn't want all these things what do you offer?
Hour long sessions of breathing techniques? 
No. 
I'll keep my muscle tension.
I want my insomnia.
I like my anxiety.
It is a part of me.
I like me. 
I want me.

Put down that blade.
Put down that bottle or pills.
Don't you dare tie that rope.
Please stop.
I know you think you don't matter.
I know these days are getting hard.
I know you feel like God gets pleasure out of messing up your life.
I know you think no one will care, but you're wrong.
You're smart.
You're attractive.
You're funny.
You're weird but the best people are.
You're body is perfect the way it is.
You are not defined by your grades, your acne, your clothes, the scale, your imperfections.
You are beautiful and valuable and amazing whether you think you are or not.
If you are looking for a sign to stay, let this be it.
Please stop. Stay here and breathe and love life because your body loves you, feel your heart, your body loves you enough to keep it pumping.
So drink your favorite tea and go to sleep to your favorite movie in your favorite PJ's and wake up tomorrow and smile because you are still alive and you have so much to live for.
You will make it.
Stay here.

The cutter will cut in a cutters world,
the hurt won't stop in a life unfurled,
the blood will drip like drops of rain
eaten alive by sorrow and pain
you will feast on smiles and greed
but Ill just cut and watch it bleed

'Bounce my face off the floor,  maybe then you will recognize me'
Burn my skin so you will remember my scream
Pull my hair to feel colors slide between your fingers
Punch me
Make me feel something
Other than a lie you built during the day
Making people believe you are charming and handsome
When the true you is conniving and distasteful
Your teeth are never white,  
Rotting yellow behind your pale lips
Your hair is thin, and in places on your scalp disappearing
(like I wish I could)
I dream of knocking you down
And breaking your bones harder than you ever snapped mine
And knocking your teeth out
While I pack my bags and watch you bleed on that new tan carpet you just installed
And even adding an extra kick in the head
Just for laughs.
If I am lucky you will be brain dead,
But alive just enough to where you can watch me live my life fully,  loving heartily, And most importantly,
Speak my mind without fear, or your voice replacing mine anymore