You turn away from me sometimes in the night and cry silently into your pillow, not wanting to wake me. But I always wake when you weep like that, and I can see the outline of your slim ivory shoulders shaking with each stifled sob. Your dark hair cascading around you in a soft halo as some unspoken sadness carries you so far away from me, to places I can't follow. Once I would like to just cast aside the hesitation and enclose you in my arms as I do when we make love. But I know that I would be invading a private moment by doing so, would somehow hurt you more, even if I don't understand why. Is it some secret shame you carry within you that causes you so much pain? Something you think I would recoil from if I knew? I would not, I swear. I would kiss away your tears as I did that day I found you in the bathtub with a bottle of whiskey and handfuls of oxy. I pulled you up out of the cold water and you clutched me like a drowning person. I never told you that it was I who really was drowning before you found me and brought my dying heart back to life. It was that night that you baptized yourself in my bathtub which gave me the courage to really love again. I played Szerelem, Szerelem and you pulled me into the bed, just wanting me to hold you. It was you who were really holding me, though you didn't know it. And when we make love, your hands in my heart and myself moving within you, it is you who are pouring your strength into me. I know that we can't last like this though, with secrets and shadows between us. Whichever of us leaves first doesn't matter. Only that it was beautiful while it lasted.

"For the failure,
  For the broken heart,
  And miserable      

If only I could be born again,
I would choose not meeting you
If only I could be born again,      
I would choose to not through this way
If only I could be born again..."
                                              
But I can not be born again..
I will not wish to,
for the rest of my age left
for the thing that would never happen
for my new age..

If I were born again,
I would still ask to meet you,
And this way is the thing that I always want..

Happy birthday, to me.

It's a scary thing to know
That you're goin nowhere in life
And you will end up
As a burnout
A fat piggy *****
Laying on the side of the street
Because you were too in love
To notice happiness.

when I painted the house
I was so tired that a piece of me may have slipped into the can
now I'm smeared all over your room
painted in drips like the teardrops our faces know so well
and you have fallen out of love with me
but I live inside your walls
hearing you kiss her so hard
the plaster might just crack
and the pictures we hung up might just shudder off their nails and shatter

teeth sunk into the flesh
of a lover,
white dress, pure.

crimson, like roses,
like blood
both intoxicating;
sweet, sickly

eyes blazing,
like fire.
raging with hatred
that fills the heart of
a broken down soul

the promises that were made,
abandoned, like the lover
you left at the alter  

                                                        ­      ( “i do” , as love spews,                                                     with blood
                                                           ­           out of the wounds
                                                          ­    that your hands claw at)