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At night I lay in my bed.
Sometimes, I shut the lights off, and I think.
With my vision impaired, I begin to think and feel more.

I can feel the darkness

It's like a blanket that hugs every millimeter of my body.
It can be a comfort, but at the time time, it makes me want to scream.
As a human, I fear the unknown.
And also as a human, I naturally cannot see in the dark.

When I just lay there, I can feel the darkness hug me in such a way that I feel paralyzed.
I move my eyes around, hoping to see light, to no avail.

My over-active mind likes to fill in the blanks in which my senses cannot.
I see everything that I fear.

Every little thing I have ever spent restless nights worrying about, is there before me.
The clowns, the murderers, the mythical horrors I remember hearing about around the fire years ago.
They're all there.
They don't move, they don't speak.
They just stand there, as I feel the terror build up inside of me.
I want to scream, I want to run for the light switch, but I am still paralizyed.
So I just lay there in terror until my body decides that it needs to sleep, and I fall into another nightmare.
I say I am afraid of the dark for these very reasons...

But think about it this way.

The darkness is merely a canvas that my mind paints.  And what it paints is controlled by my subconscious.

Maybe, just maybe...

I am afraid of me.
They always think I'm dumb
That I don't understand,
I don't know what I'm talking about- I don't have a plan
I ask questions if I don't have a clue, so why is it assumed I don't know what to do?
I'm educated, I always got good grades
Why does everyone treat me like I live in a daze?
They double check me- every word that leaves my mouth, I'm never met with equal standing only others doubts
I can't vent or rant or cry or ramble
I'm only met with lectures on why my life's in shambles
All I needed was a compassionate ear
I should have long ago realized I'd never find it here
love it is a special thing that two people share
through your life together love is always there
as the years go bye each anniversary
proves that for each other. you were meant to be

and for evermore your love is there to stay
for eternity that will never go away
a very special thing that you both will share
with each beat of your heart love is always there
 Jun 3 hannah miller
Lyle
when my heart is done aching
the pain moves to my head
the feelings swarm to my mind
because simmering in my heart
does them no good
at least when they make my head ache
they are allowed to boil over
and be released all at once
captured in headache tears
that once were heartache feelings
 Jun 3 hannah miller
Lyle
can you hear my words
when I say nothing at all?
can you see my pain
when I smile without my eyes?
can you smell my desperation
when I'm trying hard to be calm?
can you taste the salt from my tears
when I don't shed them in your presence?
can you feel the real me
when I don't even feel it?
 Jun 2 hannah miller
Lyle
I used to bruise easily
both on the inside
and outside
words used to grab
me like a vise
and leave bruises under the skin
mottling my confidence
with their ugly black hue
fists used to bruise
my eyes, my legs, my arms
on the outside of my skin
leaving marks for all to see
but over the years I built up tolerance
nothing bruises me anymore
nothing can cut me anymore
nothing can hurt me when I don't care
anymore
 Jun 2 hannah miller
Lyle
you-taking me driving when no one else would
you-letting me talk and telling me I'm understood
you-have a checkered past and so do I
you-making me laugh and making me cry
you-have a voice that makes me love my name
you-I love you but I don't think you feel the same
you-always and forever you
Perhaps it was the moving away
As a child, to a new place
Or the figures removed
By law or by time
That now makes me love
So much better from a distance
To hold you closest
At arms length
I feel the wrenching
And the yearning
Not just as a symptom
But as the very love itself
Enamoured by ‘one day’
 Jun 2 hannah miller
alex
Much like you
I feel pain
when I am wounded

I cry
when my heart
shatters quietly

I begin to doubt
when silence
lingers too long

And I light like fire
when I feel
seen by you

because, much like you,
I want to be truly loved
even if it’s the last thing I do.
We carry different sorrows but dream alike
Why do I turn a rain drop
into a hurricane?
Why do I let myself drown
in streams?
Why do I let one needle poke
unravel all my seams?
Its 3 am and my heart hurts
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