More meds
And more meds
Keep growing and shrinking
Changing
But never helping
At least never helping enough
I don't think pills are the answer
I think I just need a new head
Or maybe itd be better if I were dead

And after years of abuse
I'm still the one ending up feeling guilty
And wondering if he was right
And this was all just in my head

And I'm cold in my bed
Tired
Pillow covered in tears because that's where they're used to falling
And I just want to be loved

And I know I am by my friends
And my family
But I want to be stuck in someone's head
And I want them to rub my arm and make me a little bit less cold
And maybe have my tears land on their shoulder instead

I want to be the poem and not the poet for once

I would climb mountains
Hijack cars
Walk 26 days
And almost die
If that meant I could hug you
Even one time

Loneliness is a record player
Sitting in an attic
With no record

It is when you look into life’s mirror
And see you’re not alone
You see the monster of your mind creeping up behind you
Whispering loud enough that only you can hear

Loneliness is the loudest silent scream of them all
Yet no one can hear how loud you feel it
Through any bathroom stall

I can't cut
No more
No
No
No
I promised

But the feelings are so strong
Overflowing me
I need them to pour down my arm
And out of my body

I can't
I can't be that weak
I just need to breathe
...
My lungs fail me

But no
No
No
I can't reach for it
Not allowed
Not anymore
Done with that, right?
I really just want to grab the knife
Razor
Needle
Anything
And end this misery
At least soothe it a little

But no
No
No
No
I can't

The dangerous thing for me is that I would die and excruciating death a thousand times just to make them smile once
And then I'll apologize if my screams from getting burned alive disrupted their sleep

And as soon as the door closes
I collapse on the floor
Gasping for air
What is wrong with me?

I can’t move.
The weight is everywhere.
It presses into my chest
Like even the dirt want me to stop existing.

I screamed until my throat bled.
No one answered.
No one remembered.

I guess they moved on.

“But you’re fine right?”
My therapist ask naively
Yeah I’m fine
Instead of drowning
I’m floating in a ocean
Surrounded by dolphins
Maybe one day I’ll sink peacefully