Some nights,
I lay awake,
Thinking about how much
I hate my life.

Other nights,
I lay awake,
Unable to control how happy I am,
Smiling like a fool.

A few nights,
I sit there,
Void of emotion,
Unable to cry.

But there is never a time
When you don’t cross my mind.

YOU
SAY
YOU
LOVE
ME
BUT
WHO
COULD
LOVE
ME
WHEN
I
DON’T
DESERVE
IT

Why? Why do you think that it is extremely necessary to do this every single Friday, without fail? And then to call ME a *****, to say I’m a ***** every day without fail? NO. I put myself through pain, physical and mental, just to try and make you happy. But you don’t see that. You let me sit here, crying, pain radiating from my back and knees. You see a nuisance, a bother, when I have to use my wheelchair. You resent it, and me. You resent me for needing a device to help me function. You resent me for not having a job, for going to school. You fail to see that I’m going to school to get a well-paying job. I’m trying, so hard, to get a job or my SSDI payments reinstated.

I got good news today. It was my new birth certificate. But you didn’t care. I was so, so happy. My eyes were lit like firecrackers on the fourth of July. You didn’t care though. You were just ****** that I woke you up. I asked you nicely, while still ecstatic, if we could go get my new license. You missed the turn and got mad at me. I saw the anger boiling in your eyes. I guess I wasn’t watching them long enough to prolong the overflow.

We went to the store because I needed strawberries and deodorant. I got an automated cart because my body is in constant agony. You didn’t care. You were annoyed because it is too slow for your liking. It died while rolling through the store, at the same exact place as last time. But you didn’t care. You snapped at me instead, demanding I just “**** it up and walk”.

You gave me this ring nine months ago with a promise. A promise you would always be here for me. A promise that you would stay by my side, in sickness and in health. I don’t think you expected the sickness to come quite so soon, though. I think it took you aback and now you’re scared to lose me like you lost him. Suddenly, and painfully.

Don’t you see? The only way you’ll be losing me is if you want me to leave. I won’t leave until you say the words dismissing me. I don’t think your actions are already telling me you want me gone. I hope you come to realize why you are feeling like this. I hope you can understand that most of your anger is just the current state of grief. You lost him a little over a year ago, after all.

don't leave me alone
and i won't leave you alone
we can both
leave
together.

He
slices
open
his
skin
and
out
come
the
wildflowers

The sky
Is just
A graveyard full
Of stars.
So tragically
Beautiful.

WHY DID I LET YOU IN
WHY DID I LET YOU AFFECT ME IN THIS WAY
WHY DID I LET YOU NEAR MY FRAGILE HEART
WHY DID I LET YOU LOVE ME
BECAUSE NOW I’M LOSING IT ALL
I’M LOSING YOU

all you need to do
to find the needle
in the haystack
is burn the whole
******* thing
down

I fell in love
With all of the pieces
Of you that you don’t like
About yourself.

everything is monotone in my eyes
a whole world of just blue tires my eyes
mind
heart
and soul
but blue is all I've ever known
sure, there are different shades
different names
The night sky is navy
the grass is teal
water air-force blue
but
blue is boring
blue is repetitive
blue is everywhere
my dad said once that his whole life was grey
my moms?
nonexistent.

And she looked as if she had sipped the sun
her lips a ghost of what once was
and a promise of what will come

Stupid little children
**** me off.
****** language,
Major attitudes,
And feeling pretentious.
**** them.

IT’S BEEN YOU ALL ALONG
IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU
I WAS WONDERING
I WAS CONFUSED
WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY?
WHY AM I HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER?
THEN I THOUGHT
IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION
THAT IT’S YOU,
NOT ME.
IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.

please
don’t
leave
when
i
leave