I lost you
But I also lost myself and
You lost me, too.
I’m sorry.
It’s ******* terrifying,
Losing yourself.
I never thought it might happen.

I'm okay.

I promise.

No, I'm not letting it get to me.

I know you're gone.

That you'll never come back.

That I've lost you forever.

When they walked into school that day,

none of us had a clue.

We had absolutely no idea.

We were so caught off guard when--

well, when it happened.

How could anything like this have happened?

You were so nice.

I thought I was so lucky

because everyone loved you

but I was the only one who could call you mine.

But then Jay came in that day

The day after their 18th birthday.

They had gone and bought themself a gun.

Maybe that pawn shop should have

done a better background check

or something.

Maybe a psychological evaluation.

Jay should never have been able to get it.

They knew Mr. Massey had one

locked up in his desk

one that was legal.

He was shot first.

Then they pointed the gun at you.

Time slowed.

My heart stopped beating.

I remember the screams.

I remember the blood.

Maybe we should have better regulations

to purchase a weapon.

But that wouldn't help,

would it?

The black market's still a thing.

That will never end.

But some people are responsible enough

to own one

to protect their families

their friends

everyone.

Some people can handle it.

But people like Jay,

they can't.

I can't believe what they did.

I trusted them.

We trusted them.

But that's all pointless now.

That's gone

like you.

I'm not okay.

I miss you.

I still love you

because we both believed in love after death.

I didn’t have a choice.

You made me,

All of you.

I don’t know a mother’s love

Or innocent fun with my cousins

Because you ruined it.

It wasn’t anything I had control over.

You did it to me.

My scars are physical and emotional.

I’m 17, trying to be an adult.

But I still act like I’m a child.

Because you traumatized me.

You made it impossible for me to handle life.

Anxiety, depression, anger.

It’s all your fault.

It’s your ******* fault I’m like this.

I exist.

Not because of you.

I’m alive.

Not because of you.

I’m alive and I exist

Because I ******* feel like it.

I don’t give a **** about your opinion.

**** my big transboy ****.

Bitter, scalding laughs / condescending chuckles / look to the ground / splat! / spit sprays across the sidewalk / angry yells / schoolyard bullies become taunting adults / pricklier than a cactus / cheap gas station coffee / no sugar, no cream / screaming children yanking on jail bars / no fair / needles? get them away / don't let anyone in / don't let anyone see / scrawling / scribble in black in / ruin your favorite notebook / and your mother's walls / your father's tools / don't look back / mania / smirk at their tears / stop! / tie your worn out old shoe / pick up the pace / hurry / faster now / don't give up / do it all in spite / almost there / traffic / busy highway / overpass / turn inwards / see it all / realize it was all about you / jump

and you are poetry.

distractions. they're what get us by. and yet, as i sit here, playing minecraft, sipping a homemade latte, writing poetry, listening to music- none of it works. all i can think of is you. how you made me a million whispered pinky promises, then washed them all away. how you made me feel safe, and then began to hurt me. how i let myself fall in love with you, and now, though you're with her, i can't stop. i've been trying to forget. but you're still here, i still see you every day. not just because we live together, but because you were - are - my everything.

i have so much on my mind
but it’s so hard to explain it
26 letters aren’t enough
171,476 words aren’t even close
it’s so hard to write it
it’s even harder to tell you
but these three words are about
as close as i can get:
i l o v e y o u

i don’t deserve you
you’re much too good
for me
i’m sorry
for killing your
reputation
your good name
but then again
you willingly invited me in
so whose fault is it,
really?

I think I'll go outside and look at the stars tonight. Will you look at them too?

I trusted you

But you let me down

And that’s not okay.

You hurt me.

I put all of my faith in you

But you wasted it

You burnt it to cinders

And ripped it to shreds.

You did the same to my heart

And my love,

But I guess you really don’t care about that.

Do you?

YOU
MUST
FEEL
HURT
TO
FEEL
HAPPINESS

I want to be the person
You think of in the middle of the night
When you can’t sleep
Or wake up from a nightmare.
I want to be the person
Who the thought of
Makes you feel safe.
I want to be the person
You have deep conversations with
When you want nothing more than to sleep.
I want to be the person
Who the thought of
Makes you smile like a fool.
I want to be the person
You cry over
When I leave.

I’M NOT READY
TO LOSE
YOU

The act of breathing

Is enough to remind you

That you’re broken.

You’re not whole.

You haven’t been,

Ever.

and then I realized
he was no longer in my world
he was my world
if only
i could honestly
call him
m         n
        i           e

You always smile

Like you’re about to cry

Your eyes

They get glossy

Your smile wavers

Your mask falters

Your façade crumbles.

You know I love you.

Why can’t you see that?

Maybe because you love her,

But I don’t know.

you make the stars feel reachable.

you said you didn't want to be near me
and left me with the inability to breathe
the inability to eat
****, the inability to swallow
full of nausea
panicking
i can't do this
if you don't want me anymore

I want to show you how I see you, a work of art deserving of gentleness.

you already are a masterpiece, love. in the louvre, amongst all of that art, I would still stare at you.

I want to fill their veins with stardust, to bring to them what they once were, to express my love in any extreme. I want to profess my undying adoration for them from the rooftops, careless about any passerby who may hear.

i stare into the sky
the vast emptiness
the stars
the moon
the planets
the cosmos
it’s so
m o z z a f i a t o

Not good enough
No,
I’m not good enough
I never have been
And I will never be good enough
Never ******* good enough

Losing yourself in the music

The speed

The lights blur past you

You scream the words to your favourite song

At the top of your lungs

Crying

Wishing he were still here with you

Not back there,

With that shot glass

Full of *****

And that other boy,

That *****

Leaving you all alone

Leaving you behind.

You thought he loved you back,

Didn’t you?

Newsflash: he didn’t.

And you’re left

Driving,

Crying,

Screaming,

Beating the steering wheel.

But

Then you see it

The car

Pulling out right in front of you

That car

Full of people

Coming home from graduation

Laughing,

Singing,

Smiling.

You try,

But you can’t stop.

It’s too close

And getting closer.

Time seems to stop

And it freezes

Like your heart seemed to

When you saw him.

Anger

Disappointment

Fear.

It all pumps violently through your veins.

You hit the car

T-bone it,

Hard.

Screams,

Tears,

Terror.

Not all of it your own.

Seconds later,

Sirens.

You feel the hands

Pulling you out of your car

And you look up

Through bloodied eyes

And see

The gurneys across the road

You sent them flying

Across the freeway

And the bodies

They’re everywhere.

Only one is left breathing

And she’s in critical condition.

They try to defibrillate

But her heart stops.

You thought you knew pain

But this was worse.

The overwhelming guilt

The shame

It weighs on you.

You knew better than to drive drunk

But you were sad

And driving always seemed to help.

Not anymore.

Nothing can help you know.

Not even his love

His sympathy

His remorse.

All that matters now

Is the gun in your hand

Pointed at your temple

Finger on the trigger

Heart beating wildly.

You remind yourself,

you deserve this.

They were younger,

Much younger.

Had so much more to look forward to

And you took it from them.

All of it.

You monster.

You pull the trigger.

The lights go out.

you're right, you're something more. no art museum would ever be worthy of you.

I’m afraid to tell you

Because I’m not sure how you’ll take it.

Ma’am, I’m different.

I’m not like my brothers or my sisters.

I’m trapped inside

This body that doesn’t belong to me.

If you look at me from the outside,

You see a girl

But if you look at me from the inside,

You see a boy.

I’m not comfortable

With how I look.

These feelings are real

I’m just not sure how to explain it.

It makes me want

To rip my skin apart

To crawl out

Of my very being.

I still like makeup

And sometimes wear girly clothes

But I want to cut my hair

And have surgery.

This isn’t a snap decision

I’ve felt this way for a while.

I’m sorry if this disgusts you

I hope you’re not disappointed

Because you mean so much to much

And I really don’t want to lose you, too.

How can emptiness
Be so **** heavy?

How can a poet
Run out of words?

How can a musician
Run out of lyrics and song?

How can I be
When I want nothing more than to not exist?