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91 · Apr 2018
lost
aslan Apr 2018
I lost you
But I also lost myself and
You lost me, too.
I’m sorry.
It’s ******* terrifying,
Losing yourself.
I never thought it might happen.
l o s t
91 · Apr 2018
dancing
aslan Apr 2018
I wish you would dance
because even if the whole world
was watching
I’d make a fool of myself
and dance with you.
you mean so much, too much
to me
and I can’t bear the thought of losing you.
****,
I really can’t lose you
but I am
so
s o o n
d a n c e w i t h m e
91 · Apr 2018
Broken Promises.
aslan Apr 2018
I'm okay.

I promise.

No, I'm not letting it get to me.

I know you're gone.

That you'll never come back.

That I've lost you forever.

When they walked into school that day,

none of us had a clue.

We had absolutely no idea.

We were so caught off guard when--

well, when it happened.

How could anything like this have happened?

You were so nice.

I thought I was so lucky

because everyone loved you

but I was the only one who could call you mine.

But then Jay came in that day

The day after their 18th birthday.

They had gone and bought themself a gun.

Maybe that pawn shop should have

done a better background check

or something.

Maybe a psychological evaluation.

Jay should never have been able to get it.

They knew Mr. Massey had one

locked up in his desk

one that was legal.

He was shot first.

Then they pointed the gun at you.

Time slowed.

My heart stopped beating.

I remember the screams.

I remember the blood.

Maybe we should have better regulations

to purchase a weapon.

But that wouldn't help,

would it?

The black market's still a thing.

That will never end.

But some people are responsible enough

to own one

to protect their families

their friends

everyone.

Some people can handle it.

But people like Jay,

they can't.

I can't believe what they did.

I trusted them.

We trusted them.

But that's all pointless now.

That's gone

like you.

I'm not okay.

I miss you.

I still love you

because we both believed in love after death.
90 · Apr 2018
Suck It.
aslan Apr 2018
I didn’t have a choice.

You made me,

All of you.

I don’t know a mother’s love

Or innocent fun with my cousins

Because you ruined it.

It wasn’t anything I had control over.

You did it to me.

My scars are physical and emotional.

I’m 17, trying to be an adult.

But I still act like I’m a child.

Because you traumatized me.

You made it impossible for me to handle life.

Anxiety, depression, anger.

It’s all your fault.

It’s your ******* fault I’m like this.

I exist.

Not because of you.

I’m alive.

Not because of you.

I’m alive and I exist

Because I ******* feel like it.

I don’t give a **** about your opinion.

**** my big transboy ****.
90 · Oct 2018
forever, i promised
aslan Oct 2018
i promised you
i'd be with you forever
that means no matter what
through thick and thin
just because we annoy
each other sometimes
and we argue sometimes
doesn't mean i'm going anywhere
because believe me, babe
i'm here to stay
90 · Jul 2019
/loathing/
aslan Jul 2019
Bitter, scalding laughs / condescending chuckles / look to the ground / splat! / spit sprays across the sidewalk / angry yells / schoolyard bullies become taunting adults / pricklier than a cactus / cheap gas station coffee / no sugar, no cream / screaming children yanking on jail bars / no fair / needles? get them away / don't let anyone in / don't let anyone see / scrawling / scribble in black in / ruin your favorite notebook / and your mother's walls / your father's tools / don't look back / mania / smirk at their tears / stop! / tie your worn out old shoe / pick up the pace / hurry / faster now / don't give up / do it all in spite / almost there / traffic / busy highway / overpass / turn inwards / see it all / realize it was all about you / jump
90 · Apr 2018
please tell me why
aslan Apr 2018
you told me last night
you hurt yourself
i feel like ****
because i never noticed
i was too busy
staring at your smile
and your eyes
to notice
the faint red lines on your wrist.
you are much too beautiful for that
and i hope you never do that again.
please
just talk to me
when you feel the burn
the itch for that stupid blade
because i love you way too much
for you to need that
one person
should be
E
N
O
U
G
H
you are so lovely
89 · Apr 2021
Untitled
aslan Apr 2021
and you are poetry.
aslan Jan 2020
distractions. they're what get us by. and yet, as i sit here, playing minecraft, sipping a homemade latte, writing poetry, listening to music- none of it works. all i can think of is you. how you made me a million whispered pinky promises, then washed them all away. how you made me feel safe, and then began to hurt me. how i let myself fall in love with you, and now, though you're with her, i can't stop. i've been trying to forget. but you're still here, i still see you every day. not just because we live together, but because you were - are - my everything.
89 · Apr 2018
not enough
aslan Apr 2018
i have so much on my mind
but it’s so hard to explain it
26 letters aren’t enough
171,476 words aren’t even close
it’s so hard to write it
it’s even harder to tell you
but these three words are about
as close as i can get:
i l o v e y o u
do you?
89 · Apr 2018
Stars.
aslan Apr 2018
The sky
Is just
A graveyard full
Of stars.
So tragically
Beautiful.
b r e a t h l e s s
89 · May 2018
foolish
aslan May 2018
i keep letting you break me

and i think that the way to fix it

is to mend you

how foolish of me
i'm a fool for you
89 · Apr 2018
WHY DID I
aslan Apr 2018
WHY DID I LET YOU IN
WHY DID I LET YOU AFFECT ME IN THIS WAY
WHY DID I LET YOU NEAR MY FRAGILE HEART
WHY DID I LET YOU LOVE ME
BECAUSE NOW I’M LOSING IT ALL
I’M LOSING YOU
******* I CAN'T HANDLE THIS
87 · Apr 2018
SOCIETY
aslan Apr 2018
WHAT A SOCIETY WE LIVE IN
THAT FAKE PEOPLE ARE NO
LONGER A SURPRISE BUT
LOYAL PEOPLE ARE.
(INSERT ******* EMOJI)
87 · Apr 2018
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN YOU
aslan Apr 2018
IT’S BEEN YOU ALL ALONG
IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU
I WAS WONDERING
I WAS CONFUSED
WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY?
WHY AM I HAPPY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER?
THEN I THOUGHT
IT WAS BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION
THAT IT’S YOU,
NOT ME.
IT’S ALWAYS BEEN YOU.
ITSALWAYSBEENYOU
87 · Apr 2018
For you.
aslan Apr 2018
The stars,
They shine for you.
The sun,
It rises and sets for you.
The moon,
It joins the night for you.
My smile,
It flashes for you.
My heart,
It beats for you.
b e a t i n g l o u d l y
86 · Jan 2020
zebra stripes
aslan Jan 2020
and here you left me broken
laying back with my eyes
unfocused on the ceiling
with bloodied wrists in the fashion of a zebra
86 · Apr 2018
whose fault
aslan Apr 2018
i don’t deserve you
you’re much too good
for me
i’m sorry
for killing your
reputation
your good name
but then again
you willingly invited me in
so whose fault is it,
really?
y o u l e t m e i n
aslan Jul 2019
tell him / hurry now, child / you can do it / three more steps / clear your throat / be timid / quiet / controlled / say what you need him to hear / he must know / don't back out now / you've spent years agonizing / look him in the eyes / no! / chicken out / yet again / run back to your room / close the door / sob / sink to the ground / the door can't be opened now / reach into your wallet / there it is / shining / pick it up / it's ice ******* cold / the gleam is inviting, though / turn it the right way / glide it across your too-fat arm / it's all going to be quiet soon / it will come to an end / and for your final act / pray
86 · Apr 2021
Untitled
aslan Apr 2021
I think I'll go outside and look at the stars tonight. Will you look at them too?
86 · Apr 2018
Pieces.
aslan Apr 2018
I fell in love
With all of the pieces
Of you that you don’t like
About yourself.
w h y m e
86 · Apr 2018
EPHEMERAL
aslan Apr 2018
I hope
That this
Isn’t meant to be
Ephemeral
Like a S H O O T I N G
Star
A hurricane
Lasting a short while
But the mess never cleaned.
please tell me it's not ephemeral
85 · Apr 2018
it's giving me anxiety.
aslan Apr 2018
you’ve begun
reading my poetry
and *******
it’s giving me anxiety
because i’m letting
you in
when i haven’t
let anyone else in
please don't hate me
85 · Apr 2018
empty
aslan Apr 2018
i couldn’t think
of what to write
so i stared at the
blinking cursor
and realized
i couldn’t have said it
any better
my mind is blank
my heart is numb
my eyes are dry
c o m f o r t a b l y n u m b
85 · Jan 2020
demented
aslan Jan 2020
how sick and cruel is it
that the most honest poetry
only flows through my veins
when i am bleeding, both in the metaphorical sense
and in the literal one
85 · Apr 2018
Broken Trust.
aslan Apr 2018
I trusted you

But you let me down

And that’s not okay.

You hurt me.

I put all of my faith in you

But you wasted it

You burnt it to cinders

And ripped it to shreds.

You did the same to my heart

And my love,

But I guess you really don’t care about that.

Do you?
85 · May 2018
HURT
aslan May 2018
YOU
MUST
FEEL
HURT
TO
FEEL
HAPPINESS
AND IT HURTS LIKE A *****, BABY
85 · Apr 2018
you are the sun
aslan Apr 2018
THEY TELL ME YOU LOVE ME
I TELL THEM I LOVE YOU
AND HERE WE SIT
THINKING THE OTHER COULDN’T POSSIBLY LOVE US
WHEN REALLY
WE THINK EACH OF US
IS THE SUN, MOON AND STARS
WE THINK
THE OTHER
IS LOOKING
AT THE
ground.
please tell me they're not lying
85 · Apr 2018
I want.
aslan Apr 2018
I want to be the person
You think of in the middle of the night
When you can’t sleep
Or wake up from a nightmare.
I want to be the person
Who the thought of
Makes you feel safe.
I want to be the person
You have deep conversations with
When you want nothing more than to sleep.
I want to be the person
Who the thought of
Makes you smile like a fool.
I want to be the person
You cry over
When I leave.
s h i t
84 · Apr 2018
NOT READY
aslan Apr 2018
I’M NOT READY
TO LOSE
YOU
**** I'M PANICKING
83 · Apr 2018
leave
aslan Apr 2018
please
don’t
leave
when
i
leave
i can't.
i'm not ready to lose you.
83 · Jan 2020
--
aslan Jan 2020
--
it's hard to write
when you know your words
no longer feels the same
leave the same impact
and it's especially hard to write
when you get reminded constantly
that you are not good enough
82 · Apr 2018
Breathe.
aslan Apr 2018
The act of breathing

Is enough to remind you

That you’re broken.

You’re not whole.

You haven’t been,

Ever.
82 · Apr 2018
friends
aslan Apr 2018
i don’t want to be your friend
i
want
more
than
friendship
i want to be yours **
82 · Apr 2018
mine
aslan Apr 2018
and then I realized
he was no longer in my world
he was my world
if only
i could honestly
call him
m         n
        i           e
i wish i could call you mine
82 · Apr 2018
Fake Smiles.
aslan Apr 2018
You always smile

Like you’re about to cry

Your eyes

They get glossy

Your smile wavers

Your mask falters

Your façade crumbles.

You know I love you.

Why can’t you see that?

Maybe because you love her,

But I don’t know.
82 · Apr 2021
.
aslan Apr 2021
.
you make the stars feel reachable.
81 · Dec 2019
Untitled
aslan Dec 2019
you said you didn't want to be near me
and left me with the inability to breathe
the inability to eat
****, the inability to swallow
full of nausea
panicking
i can't do this
if you don't want me anymore
81 · Apr 2021
Untitled
aslan Apr 2021
I want to show you how I see you, a work of art deserving of gentleness.
81 · Apr 2021
Untitled
aslan Apr 2021
you already are a masterpiece, love. in the louvre, amongst all of that art, I would still stare at you.
80 · Apr 2021
Untitled
aslan Apr 2021
I want to fill their veins with stardust, to bring to them what they once were, to express my love in any extreme. I want to profess my undying adoration for them from the rooftops, careless about any passerby who may hear.
80 · Apr 2018
school
aslan Apr 2018
the problem
with being in college
and having a high-school crush
is that you miss him
all day long.
oof
80 · Jun 2020
A little death
aslan Jun 2020
and perhaps I should have listened to you a little sooner
Mr. Vargas
For you truly knew
That for a human to live
They must first **** themselves

Like tending a garden
You must **** the self-absorbed parts of you
The weeds

Yet killing yourself
Does not mean that you must be
Exempt from living.
79 · Apr 2018
m o z z a f i a t o
aslan Apr 2018
i stare into the sky
the vast emptiness
the stars
the moon
the planets
the cosmos
it’s so
m o z z a f i a t o
you are mozzafiato
79 · Apr 2018
good enough
aslan Apr 2018
Not good enough
No,
I’m not good enough
I never have been
And I will never be good enough
Never ******* good enough
i'm not good enough for you
79 · Apr 2018
Driving.
aslan Apr 2018
Losing yourself in the music

The speed

The lights blur past you

You scream the words to your favourite song

At the top of your lungs

Crying

Wishing he were still here with you

Not back there,

With that shot glass

Full of *****

And that other boy,

That *****

Leaving you all alone

Leaving you behind.

You thought he loved you back,

Didn’t you?

Newsflash: he didn’t.

And you’re left

Driving,

Crying,

Screaming,

Beating the steering wheel.

But

Then you see it

The car

Pulling out right in front of you

That car

Full of people

Coming home from graduation

Laughing,

Singing,

Smiling.

You try,

But you can’t stop.

It’s too close

And getting closer.

Time seems to stop

And it freezes

Like your heart seemed to

When you saw him.

Anger

Disappointment

Fear.

It all pumps violently through your veins.

You hit the car

T-bone it,

Hard.

Screams,

Tears,

Terror.

Not all of it your own.

Seconds later,

Sirens.

You feel the hands

Pulling you out of your car

And you look up

Through bloodied eyes

And see

The gurneys across the road

You sent them flying

Across the freeway

And the bodies

They’re everywhere.

Only one is left breathing

And she’s in critical condition.

They try to defibrillate

But her heart stops.

You thought you knew pain

But this was worse.

The overwhelming guilt

The shame

It weighs on you.

You knew better than to drive drunk

But you were sad

And driving always seemed to help.

Not anymore.

Nothing can help you know.

Not even his love

His sympathy

His remorse.

All that matters now

Is the gun in your hand

Pointed at your temple

Finger on the trigger

Heart beating wildly.

You remind yourself,

you deserve this.

They were younger,

Much younger.

Had so much more to look forward to

And you took it from them.

All of it.

You monster.

You pull the trigger.

The lights go out.
79 · Apr 2021
Untitled
aslan Apr 2021
you're right, you're something more. no art museum would ever be worthy of you.
78 · Apr 2018
DANCE
aslan Apr 2018
YOU WERE DANCING TODAY
AS A JOKE BUT *******
YOU’RE SO DORKY AND CUTE
WHY CAN’T I STOP ITS GETTING
TO BE A PROBLEM NOW BUT
MY HEART WAS DYING IT MADE
ME SO ******* HAPPY TO SEE
YOU HAPPY I WISH IT WERE
ALWAYS LIKE THIS BECAUSE
YOU SURE AS **** DESERVE IT
YOU DESERVE HAPPINESS
78 · Apr 2018
Trapped
aslan Apr 2018
I’m afraid to tell you

Because I’m not sure how you’ll take it.

Ma’am, I’m different.

I’m not like my brothers or my sisters.

I’m trapped inside

This body that doesn’t belong to me.

If you look at me from the outside,

You see a girl

But if you look at me from the inside,

You see a boy.

I’m not comfortable

With how I look.

These feelings are real

I’m just not sure how to explain it.

It makes me want

To rip my skin apart

To crawl out

Of my very being.

I still like makeup

And sometimes wear girly clothes

But I want to cut my hair

And have surgery.

This isn’t a snap decision

I’ve felt this way for a while.

I’m sorry if this disgusts you

I hope you’re not disappointed

Because you mean so much to much

And I really don’t want to lose you, too.
78 · Apr 2018
How?
aslan Apr 2018
How can emptiness
Be so **** heavy?

How can a poet
Run out of words?

How can a musician
Run out of lyrics and song?

How can I be
When I want nothing more than to not exist?
a l l i s e e i s g r e y
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