that double standard
don't feel so good
when it's you on the other side
but it wouldn't be you
because i watched you burn
as the arson just scaped by
and no i didn't look for good
in a place where
there was none to be found
i didn't wanna hear his story
or see his face
or become adjusted to the sound
of lies and violation
belittlement and manipulation
i wanted nothing but to see you okay
but you laugh with my abusers
and flock to my tormentors
like you didn't see any of my pain

and maybe
just maybe
you didnt
at the time
but what could you speak to now

getting that one last word in
before the door gets slammed
ignoring boundaries
crushing hands
spitting on my shirt
contorting to rage
i know the signs
i read your face
hours of interrogation
my answers don't change
i understand where you're coming from
but i still feel the same

i haven't felt a thing
for the past five years
i know that's exaggerating
but while you're still here
i'm gonna take advantage
of the rush you bring
it can only be so good
but that is enough for me

i'm trying to understand
be patient with me
really outdid yourself this time

can't reach far enough
to jump to the conclusions
that would make any of this alright

wrong names and tiring games
changing your mind
in the middle of the night

the universe
just really wanted me to know
that the only thing i can get from someone like you is a pretty lie

and short-lived one at that
can't even keep the ruse up
long enough for me be hypnotized

letting the anesthesia wear off
before you bleed me dry
cause you get pleasure from watching the last of my hope die

i have nobody
and nobody has me
putting in an effort
but as lonely as can be

but not much effort
i don't wanna lie
i am scared of caring
i've been hurt too many times

i just want a friend
not too much i think
then i expect expect expect
and in those expectations i sink

i'm tired of being a giver
i just want someone to give a ****
if i pay attention to your needs
is asking the same of you too much

maybe it is and that's why i am here
friendless and confused
maybe i do need attention
is it selfish of me to ask for it from you

just tell me if i am too selfish
i just feel like i've given every last piece
but have gotten nothing in return
except for excuses i've already heard and didn't need

we can be friends or can't we
i'm willing to work it out
but this will never work if you
continue to put me down

my therapist says your actions
have more to do with you
than they have to do with me
so why do i feel so targeted

i know she's right
but you know what you're doing
and i'm trying to find peace
in that i'm better off not trying to untangle your prerogative

armor rusted through
but i trusted you
to not stab me when i was weak

but you went for blood
just my luck
laughing as i bleed

satan was his favorite angel
and he still let him fall
then what's the hope for the rest of us
a dead line receiving a desperate call

stuck in the middle
too far from each side
to be a part of either

understanding
but they don't understand me
because i'm not a blind believer

i like to know
the whole story before i go
and become a preacher

need to learn my own place
before i try to act like
everyone's teacher

cause i tend to be neutral
two wrongs can never
make a right

i agree with some parts
but nothing is ever
completely justfied

don't fault me for
making up my
own mind

i have my views
but that doesn't mean
i have to pick a side

tired of being pulled apart
by trying to please
both parties

neither of you accept me
anyways
not even partly

enough to use in an argument
but am i enough for you
hardly

hate you both
for ignoring what i say and
taking baseless digs to harm me

i think too much
for you to just disregard
what i say

i still hear you out
when you send me
away

trying to see all perspectives
even when they challenge
what i consider safe

i am just being fair as i can
it's only my opinion
so why the overwhelming hate

i'm sitting here thinking about
what i actually have
and all too quickly realizing
that it's nothing
i have nothing
i am alone
but that's not how i wanted it
i just don't want to be a burden
and i mess every relationship up
i wish i knew what to do right now
because i'm scared
that will never get any better

what you did
was not that bad
in fact i've mostly
gotten over that
what bothers me now
is that you don't regret
what you did
and what you said
you say you had no choice
that you were sick of the games
but i didn't start them
and i never intended to play
you ****** me in
and now here we are
i am so frustrated with you
i don't know where to start
how dare you blame me
for trying to be more considerate of you
even if i can't stand that you chose her
i force myself to be respectful to
her and have small talk
now look where it got me
hard lessons are the easiest to remember
both of you are toxic
but even after that
i still could find some heart for forgiveness
even through all of the pain i've been dealt
and the lies that i've witnessed
but i need you to accept
the fact you're in the wrong
stop playing games
i'm not someone you can string along
i am hurt you won't apologize
you just keep shifting the blame
everytime you hurt my feelings
you avoid the topic like it's the plague
you can sympathize and be there for me
but the second that things get hard
you distance yourself until i come back
you never fight or apologize to win my heart
and you basically ignore how i feel
why don't i matter
stop pushing things aside
and dealing with them never after
stop being a pushover
stop being so stupid
i was almost about to give in again
but i really just can't do it
this time you will be the one who's sorry
you will come back to me
otherwise this is goodbye
i'm tired of accommodating

misshapen
graceless
beauty for a price
i wanted
to make it
but i fell just shy
much shy
too high
to buy
your love
but mine
is here
if you'd like
for now
i'll just die
as another
catches your eye
i'm nothing
if i'm not fine
i'm nothing
when your not mine

broken up inside
wear and tear
falling into
disrepair

i'm walking
somewhere
destination
i-don't-care

if i'm going down
i'll do it with flair
why walk on water
if i can swim through the air

tired of being typical
speculated and compared
meet the new me
trailblazing extraordinaire

everyone asked if i was okay
for once i actually kind of was
but i was crying a river
and it was all because
after all of this waiting
and asking for help without asking
somebody saw all the pain
i've been masking
it wasn't my friend
or someone i really know
it was my bus driver
with a single rose
______________
i woke up this morning
and the first thing that crossed my mind
was how much i truly
hate my life
i freaked out
because that's never happened before
if that is how i really feel
i was wondering why try anymore
i trudged to the bus stop
and told my brother to just go
today was not gonna be good
so i needed to be alone
tests and homework
failing classes
nobody cares
don't wanna see so i took off my glasses
i wait a little
and the bus pulls up
i tell her good morning
then head to the back of the bus
i cry as i listen to sad songs
and realize i should really just die
but i clean myself up
as my school comes into sight
trying to fight the urge
to walk away
i'm too tired
for that kind of **** today
but i get up
and walk down the aisle
picking up my backpack
and putting on a smile
but when i get to the door
she tells me to sit
what did i do now
can't help but wonder what it is
as people file out
i get ready for the fire
my depression eating popcorn
as my anxiety makes me fear this driver
praying please don't yell
please do not yell
i can barely handle
the destructive cacophony inside myself
reaches behind her seat for god knows what
but she pulls out a rose
and says she loves me
and she says that even though she doesn't know
that two minutes ago
i told myself this was the day i die
after i decided i couldn't anymore
the universe was giving me a sign
but let me clarify i guess
she wasn't being creepy
she was just trying to give me some of the attention
i've been endlessly seeking
i'd left my pity rose from valentine's
on the bus on the day before
she saw it but someone stole it
before
she could get it back
so she went and got me a new one
and brought it and gave it to me and also gave me a
free no-requirement kind of simple love
and i cried
boy did i cry
but she smiled at me
as i wiped my eyes
as i stepped of the bus
she shouted with joy
have a good day baby
have a great day like there is no other choice
i walked in
and my "friends" just gathered
trying to comfort me like something was wrong
how did they not realize
that it hadn't been for so long
i told them i was fine
and that was that
didn't want them to ruin the
beautiful moment i just had
but one thing i found strange
is the way i react
kindness is foreign
so it makes me sad
so used to being hurt
i can pretend to not feel a thing
but i can be broke down
by a good deed

you held me with no hands
at peace in your gaze
we couldn't be close
but i knew i was safe

don't look at me
don't offer me a tissue
don't offer to sit down
and talk with me about my issues
you are not a therapist
or a licensed professional
you are not my priest
this is not a confessional
stop psychoanalyzing me
it doesn't take a genius
to understand i'm not okay
it's not your problem so just leave it
be because i don't have the energy
to make you feel like a hero
you won't really care
you'll just act like it would appear so
because somehow fixing me will put you together
in a twisted way i'll never understand
don't wanna be your next project
i don't need your helping hand
because if i tell you all my secrets
that'd be giving you exactly what you've wanted
and the next thing i know
it will be your fist to my stomach
and a knife in back
with my story public domain
don't need your rehabilitation
i can deal with my own pain
or maybe i can't  
i really don't care
my life will be better off without you
get out of my hair
i can't afford to tend to you
and satisfy my own needs
not to be rude but i'll have to pass
i don't need your charity

hurry! the hamburglar is still here

don't worry ma'am the corn on the cops are on the way

let's make those guys french fry

getting used to getting used
ain't that ******* sad

tired of being too tired
to enjoy what i have

waiting just to wait some more
it can't be that bad

it's breaking my heart to break the ties
i never really had

wanting to want you
like you're the only savior

walk it off or walk away
come back never or later

sorry for being sorry
it's just part of my nature

good people do good things
to get rewarded for their behavior