we try to talk
and it just feels off
he says sorry again  
he just feels so bad
so i tell him it's okay
but it's not

i convince him it's fine
out of sight, out of mind
his eyebrows relax
he seems visibly relieved
he goes back to talking
but i know it's a lie

i feel icky
i feel gross
i hate my ******* self the most
he was easy
he was there
he had the touch but not the care
i want you
but i chose him
now were not even friends
i want real love
not just ***
but that's all that he expects
i couldn't trust you
it seemed too good
to be true so i did what i could
to **** it up
because i'm damaged
i wasn't sure how to handle it
i was so close
to feeling that love
but i sacrificed it for a ***

anger
frustration
and disappointment
and that still doesn't describe it
i am so much more than a few words right now
iamdrowningintheexpectationsofeveryonearoundmeiamjugglingthef­a
ntasiesofthosewholovemewhileknowingitwillneverbearealityiamexpe­
ctingthesameofothersthattheyexpectfrommebutinevergetitbackiamia
­miamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamiamia
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eyes won't meet mine
cause they know what they'll find
you need to be able to live in yourself

know this wasn't the right time
but you care about your feelings more than mine
you'll just say you couldn't tell

physical contact made me wince
reliving it makes me sick
but you're excited for whatever's 'next'

i'm not lucky enough to forget
unaware you've got the ick
or you know but you continue to press

swear you wanna save her
never needed any savior
but since you're so nice
why do you pretend to not know the safe word
you violate her body and trust
subscribed to a one sided 'love'
you refuse to know the truth
because you're consumed by a need for touch

if you lost it all tomorrow
i'd have given my comfort to restore the peace that i could
but you've followed another bird
and i wouldn't be suprised if he takes off when you're no good

i cared more than just carnally
and you can run but you'll never be far from me
i seeped into the cracks of your life
with every act of kindness and attempt to do right
my generosity haunts you like blaspheme and regret
and i ought to be owed respect
but you'll never cover that debt
and i hope before you lose you wits
he's willing to match your every chip
or you blew it all for interchangeable feelings
i guess i'll go back to staring at the ceiling

why is it everytime i fix one thing
another thing breaks
nice to everyone and tolerant
just gets me called fake
i'm burnt out and still going somehow
because i will stand up regardless
i'm too hard too strict too full of myself
i'm sensitive yet heartless

i was never a jealous person
i swear that’s the truth
but now it has overwhelmed me
out of the blue

i never was a jealous person
i always wanted what was best for the group
i always sacrificed my desires
to have some place to belong to

i never was a jealous person
that is until i met you
you were something i wanted more
than the belonging i unsuccessfully pursued

i was never a jealous person
those were feelings i thought i outgrew
never thought i would feel this way
but i could never imagine the things i’d be put through

i was never a jealous person
so you must understand why i’m confused
i was so, so careful
never biting off more than i could chew

i was never a jealous person
i always had such a positive attitude
but now that has disappeared
peekaboo

now i am drowning in jealousy
and i'm not sure what to do
holding the loaded gun in my hand
praying i'll never try to shoot

I can’t be like the rest of the women he expects
Pretty and shallow, with my favorite hobby being ***
I don't know how to let loose and I don't speak with my body
I have no confidence, no wonder I'm always saying sorry

Subjected and Scattered
I scramble to fit into your perspective
I'm too introspective to be perfected
As if my opinion even mattered

i keep procrastinating
and i know i'll be crying later
in my bed
with the tears slipping off
my cheek

into my pillow
where they will eventually dry

but i will go in to rush mode
and get it all done
not learning my lesson
and i'll be back in this same position
next week

i'm so done
i swear to god i have lost my mind

i don't wanna see you
i don't want your time
i don't need you disturbing
my peace of mind
don't want to get my hopes up
to be let down
don't ask to hang out
if i never see you around
just don't need the stress
of being your contingency
being alone is isn't optimal
but i can function independently

stop asking for my opinion
just so you can share yours
don't bring me into your battles
to settle your scores
i'm not interested
with the consequences you bring
why worry about pleasing you
when there are better things
to cherish and labor for
like learning to love myself
it's not me, it's you
it's for the good of my mental health

i'm doin all i can
but nothing seems okay
i only know what i've been taught
but i'm too young to understand
that no matter what i do
and no matter how i fight
i cannot change the way
that i saw her look at you

the pieces of me
my dichotomies
don't fit pretty
or at all

clashing next to each other
mustard and peanut butter
different mothers
must be my fault

that i can't be one thing
or the same version of me
for every person i meet
like a doll

just a cess pool of thought
pandora's box
i am and i'm not
the rise and fall

i want to say sorry
but how do i apologize
for not doing a **** thing wrong

the way i feel
makes me feel so rotten
inside me the stench is strong

you say you didn’t mean it
that i’m twisting your words
flipping the conversation on its head

i want to believe that
i’m just making this up and worrying too much
but i’ll stop worrying when i’m dead

i want you to be happy
but i’m underwhelmed with
the choices you make

supportive enough
to be called a friend
but even then you ask for space

my hands begin to shake when
i see you pushing her
against the wall

my vision is hazy
from the tears and sudden rush of anger
why do i even care at all

you said you see me as a sister
a friend
you laugh at the possibility of anything else

i watch you two
hurt each other
all by myself

you said she’s mad
what should you do?
definitely not ask me

i want to be helpful but look at my fake smile
my face is a lie
but you can’t see past it

you’re hurting me
why do you hurt me?
do you even know what you’ve done?

stuck watching the transition between
who you said you would be
and who you’ve become

i love you
and i’m sorry
i’m normally so nice and sweet

something has a hold of me
so familiar but unwanted
Jealousy

what do you want
why should i go
when were you gonna
let me know
i gave you space
and more than enough time
promised i wouldnt beg you to come back
let you come back on your own time
let you decide
that you still cared enough to try again
but now that you are back
you are just breaking me again
trying to take the messiest way to the end
but listen for once
i can let you go again
don't need you
don't even want you sometimes
but i'm not the type to just quit
and give up on a person
but you are
and i am not disappointed this time
because i already knew
don't expect all too much from you
ever since you ripped my heart in two
because you couldnt seem to choose
because you ******* indecisive
and you keep on coming back
but first you leave to see if they're up to par
then you apologize and kiss me
till my body is numb and my heart is black
emotionless shell with her pleasure sensors intact
i guess that's why i let you come back
because you feel so good
when your mouth is shut
so we ****
and then my minds ****** up
because i dont need you
but i haven't found any other pleasurable love
i am frustration

it was a long day
so don't let it keep you any longer
the deep vein of exhaustion
growing fonder and stronger
lean into it as you sputter
finally get some sleep
good dreams and peace
you desperately need
no more fighting
it's pointless you know
tomorrow will be better
is all we can hope

man you're gorgeous
got me slipping on my words
so beautiful that not being with you
physically hurts

i never wanted to fight
it never makes a difference
it never fixed my problems
i never bought into existence

but then we met
and for while there i thought i saw a reason
or felt purpose or sensed a future
yet never came to that season

and now you're fading
faster than i can delude myself
into fighting for what's left
or asking for your help

i never wanted to fight
and i don't think we can change what's coming
i love you and i wanted it to work
but sometimes all you've done is just for nothing

we lost

if i keep on giving
if i keep on living

if i stop crying
if i stop trying

if i
if i
if i
if i
if i could just let go

burner in the back of my mind
it'll have to suffice
i can't continue to dedicate my life
to the things that didn't go right

what else could be a problem
i couldn't even say
i wake up everyday
and find new ways to waste
the little energy i have
on people who never change
wanting to be acknowledged
but just gonna have to wait
or move on before
i give the last of it away
and i can't muster up the effort
to convince myself to stay

i am trying
but thats nothing
when i have nothing at the end of the day

i wanna be understanding
and share so much love
but that gets drowned out by the pain

went and found somebody new
she moved on
when will you

anger won't make it better
it won't stop them
from being together

don't force yourself to bluff
you'll feel worse
than not enough

i know your heart is hurting
but your disillusion
is disconcerting

she's made you feel worthless
but loving her
was never your purpose

to love yourself before others
is more important
than securing a lover

.
                                     please
                            i said please
            why didn't you listen?
                                                         ­                i swear i didn't hurt you
                                                             ­            that'd hurt me
                                                              ­           too
                                          but
                            you hurt me
    why would i lie about that?
                                                           ­              it was supposed to feel good
                                                            ­             at least it was for
                                                             ­            me

taking a test
but i'm not aware
i'll do my best

all these choices
is there a wrong answer
i should be avoiding

pick me pick me
incorrect FAIL
i need to study

taking a test
i'm not aware
but i'll make a guess

just because i anticipated pain
doesn't mean it doesn't hurt
in fact i think the fact i knew it was coming
has only made this worse

change me
mold me
perfect me

happy
smiling
perfect me

are you perfecting me
or am i perfect already

make up your mind

Sometimes I look up
And the sky is not there
I try to breathe
But there is no air
They’ve taken it away
Everything I have
Dimensional and Complex
Now shallow and flat
Deflated and lost

Hurt and confused
I put all of this
Trust in you
Why do you do this
Why do I try?
You never tell the truth
But you never really lie
So I can’t be mad
But I am not happy
Who would’ve known
I’d react this badly?

Why don’t you love me?
Why don’t you care?
I pull myself to pieces
I always compare
Myself to these girls
That you lust for and seek
I change myself countless times
So you will notice me

And when I pull back
You never understand
You want to make it better
But you’re the reason it got out of hand

And I want to hug you back
But I want to break you down
And I want to accept this for what it is
But I want to push you to the ground

I hate you
But I hate me more
I hate everything around me
But I can’t disappoint you like before

I have to stay happy
And kind and sweet
Even though these things you do
Stab and sting
And take all the will
And the patience I saved
For this avoided but imminent
Rainy day
I brought my umbrella
But the wind took it away with a gust
I want be honest
But don’t want to break trust
And I need for someone to love me
To fill up this hole
In my heart, In my purpose for living,
In my spirit and soul
I need someone to tell me
That I’m not ******* insane
Someone that sees things like me
Who gets the choices I make
And the ones that I don’t

I’m stuck in my mind
Let me out, PLEASE
Nothing heals better than time

Until it doesn’t
And it is useless
I am ******* stupid
I can’t do this

I’m a liar
You don’t know me
I’m a liar
But I am lonely
So please please please
Just hold me, hold me
So please, pretty please,
Just hold me closely
I’m cold and afraid
But you are so cozy
Ow STOP
It’s burning, It’s burning
You’re hurting me, STOP
Why do you hurt me
Why do lie
Why are you turning
Into a monster
The tables are turning

Let me go
I don’t have to
let you do this
But I am stupid
I can not do this
I hold you closely
As you julienne my spine
Pulling the knives
out every time you leave
Just a canvas of
scars developed over time

But you don’t care
Or maybe you do
I’m lonely and scarred
I’m confused
Cause you do these things
That show you care
Then pull back or you lie
And our bond disappears
Then I can’t actually talk to you
And say what I mean
My stepmom is in the other room
So I’m holding back, but I just want to scream
I want to cry
And make you feel this way
Want to shake the sense into you
Make you understand this pain

Of being so close
Yet being held back so far
Of thinking you know who someone is
Just to find out who they really are

Why don’t you love me?
Why am I not enough?
I’ve given all I can
And I don’t think I’ll ever experience love

I can’t even touch another person
Without feeling disgusted
But I’m too nice or too in denial
To discuss it

But when touch finally meant something good
I learned it wasn’t special
While I might mean something to you
I am part of the several

I’m not unique
I am only another
Person in line
Why even bother
To entertain me
And my wishful thoughts
Unless you are evil
And my tears get you off

You are so stupid
Do you see what you’ve done?
What you said you would be
Versus what you’ve become
I keep trying to tell you
But the words get stuck
In the back of my throat
So silence will have to be enough
But you want substance so I pour out my heart
And you act like you comprehend
You wouldn’t just accept me because I am me
If you were my friend

I am so empty
I can’t imagine myself
In a place of acceptance
Can’t remember hoping for anything else

Stuck in a cycle of loathing you
And needing your company
I keep pushing you away
But I need you to love me

Love me
Love
Me
Tell me you love
Me
I need to hear
How much you want
Me
First priority
Second to
Nobody
Push and pull
Till you see you’ve undone
Me
Too afraid to accept what you’ve
done
So you don’t confront me
You lie, You pretend
Try to act like its
Funny

You made me fall, and now I’m crashing
And you just want to hug me?
You made me walk through fire
Just so you could put it bluntly
You let me burn all of those bridges
Even though you knew you weren’t running
You should’ve just killed me then
I hate when your lies punch me
And bruise me, And you stories hurt me,
and your  change of heart stuns me
I should’ve known better
That is why they judge me

You say they don’t matter
But you steady stay on their side
You always give them
A chance to prove they’re right
Listen to their reasons
And then throw the fight
Always putting me last
To make sure she doesn’t cry
Throwing me under the bus
Countless times
Acting like I did you wrong
Because I pointed out your lies
I can’t stand this anymore
So I’m sitting down and letting out a sigh
And taking all these hits
To keep you in my life
But would you go through this for me?
Am I even worthy in your eyes?
I must be nothing to you
Because you never see how you make me flat line

do you not see?
do you ever notice me?
can you tell when i can’t breathe
do you even understand
the capacity
of your actions and the way they control the world around me?
are you blind
or are you dense
common sense
intelligence
practicality
experience
i don’t understand
don’t comprehend
are you blind?
must i remind
you of all the times
i gave what i didn’t have
just to hear you call yourself mine
and then in the end
you take it all back
like i was the one who surprised
you with all this love ****
i waited to say it back
cause i didn’t want it to be a lie
your cloying lips just let it fall
into my hands
when “i love you” meant nothing at the time

so don’t hate me
i will try to do the same
but i can’t make any promises
i am in pain
i don’t want to hurt
but i want to see you cry as well
after all the tears i’ve wasted
and how much you’ve made me hate myself
please don’t hate me
i will never really mean this
without the thought of you to soothe me
my lonesome nights are dreamless

you don't scare me
is a lie
you don't scare me enough
sounds about right

i'm okay
isn't completely true
i'm okay for now
is more realistic
and a little more honest too

i'm thinking...
hold on...
i'll run it by you in a minute.

i'm working
as fast i can,
pushing the limit.

the effort
isn't broadcast,
intended to be implicit.

finally i give
you what you want,
how can you miss it?

that's not it?
you want more?
when will i be finished?

i guess it never goes away
that's what i was afraid of
the shame pervades
forgiveness is not enough
you probably don't think of me now
i don't even think you did during the worst of it all
kicked by indifference and racked with doubt
did you mean to make me feel this small

because i still lose sleep
sweating cold in different sheets
i pushed you away from me
but not before it cost my fragility
the price of being naive

there was this song i listened to
where the girl was too young to be haunted
and it made me think of you
and the feeling of being hunted
and sacrificed
for a moment of belonging
in the midst of loneliness
your smile seemed so disarming

now i know you were lying through your teeth
you were never in step with me
cause you get what you came for then ultimately leave
bet you don't feel any better without the closure you dont know you need
i'm still over here losing precious sleep

imagine.a.world
where.we.can.be
something.more
than.what.we.are

       nothing to bar you
            no one to scar you
  
                                                                     open.your.eyes
                                                                     dont.fret.honey
                                                                     life.will.open.up
                                                                      for.you.one.day

                                                                             nothing can change this
                                                                                  no one can take this

you keep asking why I didn’t
hit you up, call you back
left you on read

like what was i thinking?
don’t i love you?
i was focused on the what ifs instead

like what if this is pointless
and we fight for nothing
are we loving only to lose?

i’m just not sure what i want
i am not doing this
just to hurt you