"Love"
Is never an even playing field

At least not for me
"Never has, never will be"
I say to myself every time I try
Somewhat cynically

When you're a kid, love looks like a dream
An incredible fantasy
The ultimate love story
But it's rarely that in reality

I don't know..
I guess I'm just bitter, old, and a little mad at Disney

Back and forth
My mind and heart twist and contort
I wish I fought
Harder for what it is that I desire
Having you in my life, set my soul on fire
Loving you is like being an addict
My heart and mind I cannot predict
Back and forth
Addicted
Relapsing
Recovered
And repeat
My heart and mind simultaneously meet the ultimate defeat

Something good happened today
I thought something bad was gonna happen
Naturally
It's my ******* brain..
It's always the ******* same..

Something good happened today
For the first time, since I don't know when..
I was happy and excited for a change
To be honest, it felt kind of strange..

We decided to go out to celebrate
Couple of drinks
Couple of shots
Pool and bowling

Bowling was fine
Someone was at the pool table next to us
They strike up a conversation
"How long have you been together?"
Are you engaged? Married?
This guy has clearly had a few too many, but I answer, just making conversation, being friendly..

"We have been together on & off"
"Never engaged or married"
This answer puts you in a bad mood

I think to myself
"Why should I lie to this dude?"
Now you've got an attitude
It's ruining the mood

Feeling like a ******* ventriloquist doll once again
Never know what I can and can't say
Everything always comes out the wrong way
And it's the price that I have to pay
My one, genuinely good day taken away
Too good to be true, that I could be happy for just one ******* measly day

Why is it always this ******* way?!

It doesn't matter if you're a sinner.
It doesn't matter if you're a saint.
Nobody can win, so what's the ****** point!? Ever played chess and had a piece fall off the table?.... that's me.
NOT playing any more, **** being nice!

I write a message to you and just delete it
I guess that's progress
I check my blocked messages a little less
I guess that's progress
I see your name, and my heart flutters less
I guess that's progress
I obsess over you a little less
I guess that's progress
I hear a song that we like, and I don't skip it
I guess that's progress
I fly over for work and don't wanna just rock up at your doorstep
I guess that's progress
I see a guy with tattoos, piercings, dark hair, and dark eyes, and I don't think of you
I guess that's progress
I see a blue-eyed staffie and don't think of boofhead
I guess that's progress
I play the video games we used to play, and I don't think of you
I guess that's progress
I can write these words and not cry
I guess that's progress
My eyes aren't bloodshot from crying anymore
I guess that's progress
I wanna die a little less now
I guess that's progress
I no longer wanna scream until my lungs give out
I guess that's progress
I think of our times together, and it doesn't hurt anymore
I guess that's progress
I stop and smell the roses now
I guess that's progress
I'm talking to people again
I guess that's progress
I've been intimate with someone else  
I get that's progress
My silly, fun side is slowly returning
I guess that's progress
I laugh and sing again
I guess that's progress
I miss you a little less
I guess that's progress
I crave you a little less
I guess that's progress
At least that's what I tell myself..

Should've seen the signs
But it's you

So I guess I ignored them
So I guess I deserved it

When it came to you
Always overlooked the cracks in your surface
Always saw the good in the bad  

Who hurt you?
Who made you so jaded?
When did you become so jaded?

You put my heart through hell
But I can't get enough
With you
I never win
But I chase it
I crave it

People come and go
Then you come back to me  
I'll never let anyone close to me
I'll never let anyone have half of me

I've finally had an epiphany

Waiting for you to change
Waiting for your reciprocity
Is like waiting for forever  
Waiting for never

Whatever this was
Was never real
Despite the way my heart may feel

No longer could hold my tongue
My heart sick of being trampled and flung
To you I desperately clung

Said some things that we regret
But the damage is done
We can't forget

I realise
My feelings were lies

My feelings for you was nothing but an
Allusion
Delusion
Illusion
Couldn't contain my anger and confusion

Once again, my mind playing tricks on me
Cruelly
Twistedly
Wickedly

It's always me that's losing
My heart is always bruising

Every other person you are choosing
You always found my obsession with you amusing

No more
Time to close this door
No longer waiting for never

And suddenly
Every thought is about you  
Whether I wanted it to be or not
The thought of you loving someone else
Puts my stomach in a knot
Selfishly
And suddenly
Everything I write is about you
Every tear is over you
You're the first thing I think of in the morning
The last thing before I go to sleep
Sometimes I'm lucky and you're in my dreams
I don't wanna wake up
I want this to be real
But it's not
The cycle begins again
How long will it be like this?
A month?
A couple months?
A year?
Do I cross your mind from time to time?
You're on mine all of the time
Wish more than anything I could go back in time

And the sick thing is..  
If you messaged me
I'd reply
If you called me
I'd answer
Since we stopped talking
I feel so alone
My phone is quiet
But there is an internal riot
Between my mind and heart
My mind is loud
My heart is louder
My days seem colder
Cloudier
Longer
Sadder
You just linger
e v e r y w h e r e  
Was moving here a mistake?
Or was this a step that I needed to take?
Was my mind and heart the ultimate stake?
You're there, but you're not
You're always in my head
And heart
I waited 5 years
You came back
Then I waited 6 months
You came back again
I know you told me to move on
But I'll keep holding on
With every fibre of my being
I'm stubborn
I'm not giving up
History always repeats itself with us
Sooner or later
I hope you'll come back
e v e n t u a l l y
The inevitability of the inevitable

He was never mine
I shared his bed from time to time
He would open up to me
Let me in just a little bit
Then close tightly shut
Like a clam
I never judged him about anything
His mentall illness
His sleep apnea
His erectile dysfunction
His issues with drugs
His commitment issues and fears
His anxiety and depression
How he would always go MIA and push me away
I always waited
I was always there
I loved him for many years
Even though he was never mine
I think I'll love him forever
The stupid heart wants what it wants
I still love him
I think I always will
He'll always be the one that got away
He was beautifully broken
Like me in a lot of ways
On the inside
I thought I could fix him
I have a nasty habit of loving people that don't love me
And vice versa
Such an unfortunate paradox
I see the good in people
Where there isn't any
People that hurt me
For many different reasons
I give them endless chances
I'm stubborn
I'll never learn
It's never my turn

I'm a person who loves to be there for the people I love
In every moment
Of course the highs
And especially the lows
Every journey
Rough and smooth
Milestones and tombstones
And everything in between
Not being able to always be that person hurts
But sometimes
Our silence will have to be louder than our praise

I remember when we first met
I went over to your house
Your orange ute
I thought it was the coolest car
Usually, people have a black or white car
That was the first time I thought
You're unique
You're different
Special
I remember the outfit that I wore
I changed my outfit so many times
We drank, ate pizza, listened to music
Listened to the band Placebo
We have the same taste in music
We played card games with your friend that you lived with
Eventually, we played Mario Kart
Just us
We sat on the couch
You won every round
I wanted to kiss you the whole time
Eventually, you kissed me
My body felt like it was on fire
Vibrating all over
I haven't felt this way since my ex
It felt like more than just ***
It's nice to experience this feeling again
You lead me to the bedroom
We had ***
We passed out
Because we had a lot to drink
I woke up in the morning
You asked me if I wanted coffee
I politely asked for tea
I was sitting down
You were staring at me from the kitchen
Eventually, I went home
I wish I never left
We stayed in contact
I wanted to hang out
But you didn't
Or you would always raincheck
But you eventually met someone else
This hurt my heart and stomach simultaneously
Like someone had stabbed me
Along with everything else that was happening at the time  
We stayed in contact
Even though you met someone
Which always confused me
I wanted to hang out again
But we never did
We stayed in touch
It was your birthday
September
I bought you a silly gift
A HotWheels orange car ute
I saw it and it reminded me of you
I never got to give it to you

I turned into everything
I said I wouldn't be
My father - A cheater
Someone that runs away
I've run away more times than I can count
I've had an epiphany
Now my heart and mind is in complete dissaray
My mother - Mental illness - BPD
My moods change so rapidly
Medication does nothing for me
Just a placebo effect
But the matter is stronger than my mind
I swore, I declared these things I would never be
Hypocrisy
I hate with every fibre of my being who I have turned out to be
There is no going back for me
I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
I wish my life turned out a different way  
I guess this is just in my DNA
Or perhaps this is karma
I'm with you
But I don't love you
I kiss you but I feel nothing
We ****
My body rejecting you
I bleed
Every ******* time
I feel nothing
You say you'll **** yourself if I leave
Looked me in my eyes
Staring straight into my soul when you said it
I'm trapped
In a life that I don't want
In a life that I didn't choose
If life is a game
This is one that I know I'm destined to lose
I know that it could be worse
But this feels like a curse
The road is wrong
No matter what path I choose
I should be used to it though, right?
I've felt this way for my entire ******* life
Maybe I'll never feel anything ever again
Maybe the world was better off if I never existed
I'm a bad person
In every context of the word
Ashamed
Is an understatement

I really haven't been right
Since the accident
My birth..

You were my world
But all I was, was flesh and bone
The outcome?
My heart has now turned to stone
For 9 years
On and off
For 9 years endless ******* tears
Just another knotch on your belt
You never felt anything that I felt
Your eyes were my ultimate demise
Your mouth spoke such pretty lies
And my ******* body was your prize
Now, I forever feel alone even when I am not
Because of you
I now know what it feels like to rot
It's more than I can live through

Loving you felt worse than 1,000 papercuts
Made me feel worse than 1,000 *****
Eventually, I got addicted to the pain
But also filled me with shame
Every cut was killing me
Slowly
Draining me completely

I fear your name will forever hurt my heart
Every time I hear it
I dare not speak it
But it's always there
Whether I want it there, or not
It's making me ******* rot
From the inside out

You're still haunting me

Pining
Whining
For you
They are undivided
Undivided attention
Undivided loyalty
To me you were like royalty
All for you
I am the fool
The begger
The sinner
Somehow too much
But also never enough
I have "great qualities"
But not someone you could ever love
Said you would never hurt me
But you did in more ways than I can count properly  
Contradictory
Paradoxical nonsense
Now I am nothing but a love sick nuisance
Mind fuckery spouting from your forked tongue
My heart is completely numb
Turned to stone
Maybe Medusa turned people to stone
Because men had made her heart that way
An emptiness where my heart used to be
Used to beat
You were my wrecking
My complete undoing
Maybe this is the very definition of love sick
Or maybe, just maybe
You're a womanising *****
Or maybe, just maybe
This is my insanity

Love doesn't live here anymore
I'd rather be a *****
Loving someone is nothing but a waste of time
That is what I learnt from your crime

Therapy never works
Freeversing is cathartic
And better than screaming into the abyss
If someone can relate and feel less alone to what I express/write
Then I too feel less alone
More understood
Instead of misunderstood
For a change
If that makes sense

I have to be honest
I don't believe in god
No, that's not a spelling error
His name doesn't deserve a capital
In my eyes
And the eyes of many
(But maybe not enough)
There are too many bad and negative things for it to be so
Or perhaps my entire life is karma
Karma for a previous life
That I had no part of
Perhaps someone in my bloodline
But who knows
Who is to say
Rhetorical question
Because nobody actually knows
If they say they do
They're lying
Or brainwashed
The latter is more likely
My thoughts on "god"
I can hear them now
Insanity!
Profanity!
Damnation!
To believe there is a man in the sky
Playing the worlds biggest video game
Is my very definition of
Insanity

Sometimes the happy friend needs a shoulder to cry on too
Or someone to listen to what's on their mind
What's in their heart
What keeps them up at night
Without judgement
Whether it's right or wrong
Sometimes a friend
Just needs a friend
Pure and simple

I'm not really a child anymore
Though, in ways, I feel like I am?
Because I was forced to grow up
Well beyond my years
Look after Mum
Look after my brother
Look after myself
Look after the house
Feed the pets
Try hard in school, but fail
And eventually stop giving a **** all together
It just never seems to end
Mum and Rick are on and off again
There's still excessive drugs, music and alcohol in the house
On the dining room table
Of all places
The ashtray over flowing with cigarette butts
The walls covered in nicotine
It's thicker now
This seems normal  
I guess I'm finally used to it
Or maybe I'm institutionalised
A friend is at my house
Rick keeps saying that she's cute
Keeps trying to give her valiums and ****
This makes my blood boil
You're dating and living with my Mum
What the actual ******* ****
You're so much older than her
What the **** is wrong with you?!
Another pig to add to the list of men
Or maybe it's the other way around (?)
When will the list ever end
Rhetorical question
I'm roughly sixteen now
I have issues with my memory
Perhaps it's a coping mechanism
To block certain things out
I'm chatting to a guy from High School
MSN Messenger
He's older than me
4 and a half years
But age is just a number in my head
We talk
We flirt
We meet up
We ****
I'm the first from the group to lose their virginity
The girls were shocked but somehow I'm not
It was painful and beautiful simultaneously
To this day it's one of my favourite times
Despite the pain
We were listening to Linkin Park
With multi-media visualisations on
At the time it was hot
I was too scared to go on top
One of our favourite bands
We bonded over music
I strongly believe
The same taste in music is like a soul connection
He was sweet
Asked me for consent repeatedly
Made sure I was sure
Which made me like him even more  
He's still older than me
So it's technically statutory ****
I technically can't give consent
But I don't care
And I'll never report him
I'm in love
Still living at home
Still hate it
Still wish I was never born
But I guess he makes life a little more bearable
Dangerous maybe
Exciting
Risky
Rebellious
I'm hooked
Hook, line and sinker
Mum doesn't like him
Because he's older
Dad feels the same
From miles and miles away
But I don't care
Home still makes me sad
But it's a numb kind of sad now
Like it's normal to feel this way
I just accept it
It is what it is
Can't change it
Just **** it up and deal with it
Is my mentality
So I spend a lot of time with him
I'm drinking heavily now
Smoking ****
Ditched school and became a waitress
Which the councillors didn't like at all
But **** them
I don't care
Never got into smoking though
Which is kind of a surprise..
**** is definitely the gateway drug
Now I'm under-age clubbing
Staying in hotels
Room service
What a rush
Party drugs
I love everyone!
I love myself!
I've never felt like this!
This is the happiest I've been in my entire life
Which is kind of sad  
Wish I could feel like this all of the time
My eyes the size of golf *****
Chewing gum
Eyes rolling in the back of my head
Dancing like nobody is watching
Day N Night by Kid Cudi playing
And strobe lights
It's all so ******* beautiful
I feel alive for once in my miserable ******* life!
For all the wrong reasons
Drugs just numb everything
I'm addicted to the numbing
Next morning
I feel like my brain and body has been completely drained of serotonin
Miserable again, at best
Dancing, ecstasy and love
That's all I want
Such sweet euphoria
I want more
Decide to double drop
Bad idea..
Almost die in a fast food bathroom
I'm scared to do that again
For a while
I just wanna be happy
Numb myself
I found myself chasing the next high
Some drugs will take your ******* soul
If you let it
Never touching that again
The morning after I wanted to jump off of the balcony
Couldn't stop crying
Looking over the edge
A negative voice in my head with my voice
Yelling at me
While I'm looking over the edge
"Just ******* do it"
The voice is angry and sad
I realise it's my ******* voice
I never touched it again
Once was enough
I realise I'm on the wrong path
The ultimate rebellion
I've become an absolute hellion
I figure I deserve a bit of fun
And what's done is done 
I'm completely numb
Wrong is right
And right is wrong
Maybe this is where I belong
No going back
To be continued ..

Just passed the theatres in the City
We went to a comedy show
For my birthday
It was a nice surprise
It meant the world to me
My heart was racing the whole time
You were so close
Hearing you laugh
Your devilish smile
This was years ago
Why are you still in my memory when I mean nothing to you, but you mean everything to me?
I wish you knew how many tears I've shed for you
Why am I still thinking about you?
I moved to another City
This is ******* absurdity
Little snippets of memories haunting me
Relentlessly
For **** sake

I'm a
Kid at heart
I have
No filter
I wear
My heart on my sleeve
That's me
There's no in between
That's all I know how to be
What you get
Is what you see
Unapologetically me

It started as a whisper
Very faint
Almost inaudible
I thought I was maybe hearing things
Thought my mind was playing tricks on me
I manage to ignore it this time
But not for long..  
Gradually it gets louder
And louder
It's deafening
The self deprecating, hating, negative voice in my head
It's so ******* loud now
It's ******* deafening
It's like a banshee screaming at this point
I try to drown it out
With anything I can get my hands on
Alcohol
Drugs
Medication
Music
Sleep
Work
Nothing ******* works
I try to ignore it
But it's always there
Watching me
Waiting for me in the shadows
I'm a fighter
But I'll be honest, I don't have much fight left in me
I've grown tired
It's in my soul
In my bones
Like a shadow hanging over me
That just keeps growing
There is no light
Just sadness, anger, tiredness
It's evil
It's relentless
It's heavy
I feel it when I wake up
I see it in my dreams
There's no escape
Over the years it just gets worse
This is my ******* curse
Like a boulder that is slowly crushing me
I am losing this fight
Inevitably
Sooner or later
This will be deadly

Don't ask me how I am
Because the answer will be a lie
And I don't wanna lie to you
The little white lies we tell ourselves
Tell our friends
"I'm fine"
I'm so far from fine
Death feels peaceful at this stage
Dehydrated from crying
Red eyes
Do people notice?
Maybe they just think I'm high
"I'm fine"
I'm so ******* fine from fine

Roses
My favourite flower since I was a child
Then I met you..
Now I can't stand to even look at them
Isn't that wild
Funny how that happens..
Some songs I don't dare listen to
I don't dare say your name
You're like ******* Voldemort
It fills my heart full of heartache and shame
Why do I always come back to you and play this ******* game?!
It's useless, it's rigged
I always lose
Left feeling broken, battered and bruised
Though you never laid a hand on me
Silly to think you saw me as more than flesh
How can you be so heartless ?
Who hurt you ?
I guess someone will probably ask the same question about me one day
I'll just shrug
I won't dare utter your name
Your name fills me with so much pain
Hurt people hurt people
Slipknot was right
People = ****

Thinking about you makes me sad
But I can't not think of you
I need a lobotomy
To end this agony

I think I'm passed forgiveness..
Passed redemption.
Just a life of damnation.

Check my phone to see if you have messaged me..  
It's sad and pathetic
Check my blocked messages to see if you have messaged me
Nothing... yet
Will you message me again?
How long will it be this time?
I can't help but wonder
I read old messages like a ****** up, passionate, twisted love story
Read your words and can't help but think
Was it all in my ******* head?
I look at old videos
Old pictures
Voice notes  
I wonder if you actually deleted everything
Or did you put it in a folder somewhere
A very Virgo thing to do
I deleted things I wish I didn't when I was upset
I wish I could restore
But somehow they're still there in my mind
Tattooed on my brain and heart
You've made me well and truly sick
Or maybe I always was

Pushing the envelope
Seeing how much I can get away with
Slowly but surely
Biting the hand that feeds
I don't deserve you
You're better off without me
And I say that with my full ******* chest
Just end this
I don't know how to
So I'll keep pushing until you do
I'm ****** in the head
Three ways from Sunday
Nobody can save me
I'm a lost cause

Religion is the biggest crock of ****
The cultiest cult to ever of culted
Just an adult club for rapists and paedophiles
So sick
So obscene
So evil
They destroy lives of the young
And get away with it
What a sick world we live in

Always sad
Always lost
Always numb
Nowhere feels like home
No matter where I am
No matter who I'm with
Perhaps because of my childhood
Nobody dies a ******, because life ***** us all
I either feel things so intensely it's consuming
Or I feel nothing at all
There's no in between
Always

I don't love you
****, I don't even love myself

Your body
Your touch
Your eyes looking into mine
Your devilish smile
Has me speaking in tongues
You truly are the devil
I unknowingly signed over my soul on that dotted line
For eternity
You are my complete undoing
Every **** time

I'm born
Only child
Happy normal childhood
Or so it seems for now..
Dad loves music
Mum loves music, gardening, art and writing
Among other things  
We have a piano
Dad has a car
We have Smokey the cat
Happy normal childhood
But not for long
I'm 5 now
Mum pregnant
I'm gonna have a baby brother
I'm excited to not be alone
Dad having an affair across the street while Mum giving birth
Mum wondering where Dad is
Mum loses it
I don't blame her
I would too
Social workers
Custody battles
Mum's house, Dad's house and back again
I just want one home
Is that too much to ask for?
I wish I was never born
More strangers
Home wreckers kids
I'll forever hate the name Bridgette
Sleeping in the same bed as one of her kids
Sarah wets the bed
Why do I have to sleep in bed with her?
Put me with one of the other kids
She has 6 others
Mum's mental health triggered from Dad's actions
Mum and Dad break up
Dad moves away
Mum's mental health deteriorating rapidly
So many medications  
Endless doctors appointments
Explaining mental health to me
I'm only a young kid
Telling me it's not your Mum saying and doing these things
It's her mental illness
But I'm just a kid, so to me, it is her doing these things...
I'm so confused and sad
I wish I was never born
I realise I've been forced to grow up well beyond my years
I just want to be a ******* kid
I am a ******* kid
Luckily my brother is too young to understand
Or at least that's my hope
Dad loses the custody battle
Now we live with Mum
Neighbours
Perverted neighbours
Concerning amount of near-**** situations for a kid
I learn at a young age that most men are pigs
Therapy sessions
The police end up moving us
Have to say goodbye to friends
I'm sad
No where ever really feels like home from then on
I continue to wish I was never born
New place
Mum's mental health ebbs and flows throughout the years
Resentment grows of people with normal childhoods
I realise this is so ******* far from normal
Mental hospital visits
Electric shock therapy rooms
It shouldn't be normal for a kid to know 3 mental hospitals off by heart
Child protective services
Foster care
Sometimes with my brother
Sometimes not
No where feels like home
I wish I was never born
Strangers telling me to call them Mum and ****
Infuriating and confusing comes to mind
Resentment towards Mum develops
She uses mental hospitals like a holiday house
We visit her often
Play pool, pingpong, the keyboard
We draw, we write and talk
It's the end of the session
We have to go now
We all cry
Mum cries says she's better can she go home with us
The nurses say no
Emotions escalate and get out of hand
Nurses semi restraining Mum in front of us
Other nurses scurrying us away
We cry in the car all the way home
In and out of foster care
No where feels like home
I wish I was never born
Telling my brother to brush his teeth
Grab a jacket
Things a Mum would say to their child
No longer his sister I realise
I have unwillingly become his Mum
He's just as confused as me
You're not my Mum - He says
To which I reply
Mum isn't here so someone has to be
This hurts my heart
I wish I was never born
Mum falls in love while in hospital
With a mental patient and a drug addict
Rick
Another name I'll hate forever
Mum gets better
Comes home
She allows him into our home
Alcohol
****
Heavy music
Smokes - The walls are thick and yellow
Cat ***, **** and fur - it's everywhere
Guitars playing unprofessionally
******
People shooting up
Track marks
More arts and crafts
Verbal fights
Emotional abuse
Domestic violence
Bruises
Suicidal thoughts
Suicidal threats
Puts a knife to her throat in front of me
Puts a heater cord around her throat
So tightly her veins and eyes are bulging
Welfare checks
Ambulances
This doesn't ******* feel like home
I wish I was never ******* born
Mum deteriorates again
Cycle repeats again
I'm a bit older now
In high school
Mum gets angry or sad in one of her episodes
I know that's what they are now
Blames me for her mental illness repeatedly
This makes me sad
When she's sad she tells me about her ****** up childhood
It makes me cry what she went through
Twin brother and Dad ****** her
Mum died at a young age
Pushed down the stairs
Dorothy
Or at least that's what she told me
I don't know what to believe anymore
I become skeptical
Somewhat cynical
I'm home but it doesn't feel like home
Nowhere ******* feels like home
I wish I was never born!
I remember Mum and Dad together
They were happy
Maybe they can be happy again
Then we will all be happy
I can fix this - I say to myself
I reach out to Dad
Dad comes down
It's good but it doesn't last long
Should've known better
Dad has a different car now - it's a white ute
He bought katana swords down for some reason
Confused and scared is kind of an understatement
Dad and I drive to get Maccas
He asks me to leave with him
All of us together again? - I ask desperately hopeful
He says nah just you
This hurts my heart
All I wanted was a happy family
I wish I was never born!
Home isn't perfect
But I love Mum
All throughout her ups and downs
Afterall, she gave me life
I cry while eating fries on the way home
But look out the window so Dad doesn't see
Dad leaves... again
For **** sake
Why can't life be ******* normal?!
Mum gets sick again she blames me for playing match maker
I'm trying to study - Mum is blasting music
I close the door
Mum opens them up again
It's my house I'll blast music and have the doors open if I want to!
The older I get the more we seem to clash
Her moods change so rapidly
It makes my head spin
I'm constantly walking on egg shells
Afraid I'll say or do something to set her off
I can't concentrate
I have school in the morning
Mum blasts music with the doors open
I get up frustratedly
Please turn it down a bit
I have school tomorrow
I get the same response
I go to school
Beyond tired
Feeling like a zombie
Endless visits to the councillors office
They notice the dark circles
My grades slipping
My care factor is zero  
This somehow feels familiar
But not in a good way
The bad seems to outweigh the good
I wish I was never ******* born!

To be continued...

I finally get over you
Your name still follows me around everywhere I go like a cruel sick twisted ****** up joke - But it doesn't hurt anymore somehow
Your name doesn't hurt my heart
Somehow like we never met in the first place
I start to feel normal again
Whatever that is

Then...

Speak of the devil
You inevitably reappear
Like you can sense I'm finally over you
Finally moving on
Just like you wanted

And I'm back to square one again
And the cycle repeats again

The same familiar delicious longing and torture

Not quite together
Not quite friends
Not quite lovers

But can't stay away from each other

Painfully.. somewhere in between

It's sickening
I've become an addict for this pain

Because it's you and only you

Meet online
Talk
Talk a lot
Eventually meet
We like the same music
Same sadness buried deep in our bones
That even surgery couldn't remove
We seem to have lots in common
But all of the negative things
But that just makes our bond stronger
In my eyes anyway
It's nice to know that someone thinks and feels like me
I feel less alone
The fact that you're beautiful is just a bonus
You meet someone else
It feels like a knife goes through my heart and stomach simultaneously
But we stay in contact even though we shouldn't
You were at a Halloween party with her
You went to the bathroom sent me a photo of just you
Why ?
Shouldn't you be hanging out with her?
I talk to you anyway
Because every fibre of my being wants you
Craves you
Can't forget you
Or won't
Eventually you block me
You're with her for 5 years
5 years is such a long time
So torturous
I internally scream at myself
Move on
But it never happens
Who do you contact when you break up?
Me - Why?
Get with another chick, break up with her
And you contact me again - Why?
Genuinely asking this question
Probably for the rest of eternity
Unblocked, blocked and repeat is our
Twisted modern love story

What are you afraid of?

We used to speak every day
I guess you have a few girls that you do that with

I wanna call you
And talk to you
But you won't answer the phone
I know it

Is my ***** tighter than hers ?
Is my ***** tighter than theirs ?
Do you ask them to get the morning after pill ?
Are they falling for you but you're pulling away ?
Or was it just me that you pulled away from?

I hope my name ******* haunts you
Like your name haunts me

I remember your car accident
The oil slip
I was so worried about you

I remember your voice
I remember you saying my name
I miss the way you say my name
I remember your tattoos
Your soft skin
Your lips pressed against mine
Your devilish smile
Your captivating eyes
******* on the couch
Your moans
Cuddling
I knew that I wanted to cuddle you forever
Love you forever
Just the way you are
Imperfections and all

Haven't slept with another person since we ******
I don't want to either

Why won't my mind & heart let me forget you ?

Please stop haunting me
It hurts so much
It's killing me

I loved you
But you were never mine to love

All I ever did was care
And now you're not even there

I've had strong feelings for you for years
Through all your commitment issues and fears

All I wanted was you  
For as long I can remember
I miss your messages, face, voice, body
The way you say my name
We spoke pretty much every day  
The silly videos you would send me while at lunch
I love & hate the effect you have over me
And continue to have over me
Part of me wishes I never met you
But a larger part wishes we could start all over again
Nobody makes me feel the way you do
In good ways & bad ways
I haven't had *** with anyone
I don't want to have *** with anyone
I'm forever emotionally unavailable now
I don't wanna get close to anyone ever again
I'm loyal to a guy who was never mine
That saw me as nothing but another knotch on his belt
You were never mine, so why does it hurt so bad
Why do you continue to haunt me
When I know you have forgotten about me completely
Why did you reach out to me after 2 exes?
Because I was familiar & you were lonely?
Unanswered questions swirling my brain continuously
I wish you would answer the questions in my mind
I wish you would reach out
A part of me wanted you to say don't go
But you didn't
We've known each other for 9 years (on & off)
I don't wanna throw that away
I'm never gonna have that with anyone ever again
Why do you talk about other chicks - to make me jealous?
You know that's what it does
Everything you did with her I wanted to do with you & more
I was never good enough for you
You were attracted to me & liked ******* me but that's it
Made myself feel so empty & used
I never judged you
Didn't care when you gained weight
Tried to deny my feelings & be your friend
I wish I could turn off my emotions
Like a vampire
I'm cold, heartless, numb now from all of this
You're beautiful, unique & rare in my eyes
I wish that was enough
But I'm never enough
Why did you wanna see me one last time before I moved?
You knew I had strong feelings for you on & off this whole time we have been in each other's lives
We shouldn't of hung out before I left
I don't regret it but it still hurts

Happiest depressed person you'll probably ever meet

I don't know what's worse

To love someone that doesn't love you
Or
To not love someone that loves you

Lost...

In a world that the longer I'm here, the less I wanna be a part of it
I'm not happy
I don't like the person I am
And I don't know if I ever will
So..
What's the ******* point?
Everything feels fake... like a facade

Life feels so insignificant and pointless

Why do we always want what we can't have?
Why are we always not happy with what we've got?
Why can't we just be content with the way things are?

Be grateful for what we do have
Don't be greedy
Be a nice person
You know.. Simple things that we were taught as kids
But seemed to forget about through adolescence

I try to remind myself that everyday

So please try to smile a little bit today
Even make someone cry tears of laughter
In my opinion
That's the only time it's okay to make someone cry
There is no better feeling than that

Sick to death of

Greed
Selfishness
Narcissistic behaviour
Toxicity

But the reality is, it's everywhere you go

This world gets more ugly by the day

I yearn to be young again and I'm only 30

Read that again..

Isn't that absurdity?

But maybe, just maybe..

Ignorance is bliss

Might sound cliché
But I mean this truthfully
It's not you; it's me
No matter how much I try
I'll never be the person that you want me to be
I guess I'm just wired differently
And maybe I'll be this way for eternity
I seem to **** everything up eventually
Somehow always feeling stuck
I guess it's just in my DNA
Always feel like I'm not good enough
(never enough in every single way)
Always feel like I'll never know love
Always end up pushing people away
Why would anyone wanna get close to me
I ask that rhetorically
So I guess I push them away before they hurt me
I guess I do that from my own safety selfishly
I have so much to say
I just don't know how to say it in the right way
(Never comes out the right way)
On my heart it's starting to weigh
All I want to be is happy
But I don't know what will make me happy genuinely
Every day slowly losing the will to live
Feeling like I have nothing more to give
These days I just feel invisible

The first time we broke up
I felt alone when I was with you, so I decided to be alone
You didn't like that
Said you were gonna break up with me first, but I bet you to the punch - Who even says that?
Did you mean it?
Or did you just say that to hurt me?
Made it as hard and uncomfortable as you could
You knew what you were doing though..
Telling me not to sleep in the bed, to sleep on a beanbag
Threw a beanbag at me
I know we broke up and break ups are hard but I thought we could do this like adults, civilly
You were in the loungeroom playing video games
So I couldn't sleep on the couch
Telling me not to do this and don't do that
The next day I moved into a new apartment
Feeling sad, lonely and free simultaneously somehow
Then Mum died a couple weeks later
This broke me
Losing someone that gave you life
That brought you into this crazy world
Someone that you love - No matter what has happened in the past
Unconditionally and wholeheartedly
Certain times of the year used to make me so happy.. now make me almost unbearably sad
I know that death is a part of life - But you were so young
I feel like when Mum died a part of me died with her
I felt bad because I wasn't there for my brother
I felt like I let him down in that moment because I lived interstate
I got there as fast as I could though to be with him
What if I never moved interstate - Would you still be alive?
This question crosses my mind from time to time
I called your Mum first I think.. Or my Boss
My mind was all over the place
Not sure why I called your Mum but we were close
She used to call me the daughter she never had - that was really sweet
She asked if I had told you
I said no because we broke up
She said that you would be devastated if you found out from anyone else
I hesitated.. But I called you
You answered and came to meet me
Took me out for dinner and drinks
But all I wanted to do was cry and drink
Eventually you brought up the break up..
Said you wanted to take me interstate and marry me
I was shocked
Why are you saying this now?
At this very moment, it's so inappropriate
Did you say this because you thought it was what I wanted to hear?
To this day I question your behaviour

I love the smell and the sound of rain
I don't mind a bit of the right kind of pain
When I hear you say my name
The pleasure I just can't contain
How wet you get me with just your words is almost insane
Not even touching and yet these are the sweetest lustrous words I've potentially ever heard
Almost can feel and see everything you're saying to me
Almost but not quite
Sexually teasing me just right
Almost setting my soul alight
Imagination so deliciously vivid
One thing I'm definitely not is timid
This is powerful heady stuff
And honestly I just can't get enough
Just the right amount of dominance
You know when to be sweet.. when to be rough
This is important and something that I love

Lazy Sundays
Gloriously naked
Laying in bed with you
Legs intertwined
My head on your chest
I can feel your heartbeat
Your warmth
Something so simple makes me feel so safe
Your fingertips tickling my back
Or playing with my hair
Looking in your eyes and you in mine
Good morning kisses
Eventually getting hungry
I put on some music
Make us pancakes or an omelette
Definitely coffee
I can't help but to sing, maybe even dance
I guess I do that when I'm happy
You're watching me, smiling but laughing
You come up behind me
Give me a hug and a kiss
Squeezing me so tightly
I can't help but smile
The affection
The warmth
Love that we can't keep our hands off of each other
Some of the things I miss about being in love
Some of the things that I crave to have again one day

I remember meeting your friends..
They couldn't believe that we were together
"She's with you?" They used to say almost incredulously..
When I heard them say that, I instantly thought that I wasn't good enough (for you)
But I've always thought that way throughout my life
About everything actually..
I think a part of me always will..
Your friends used to say
"Don't lose her, she's one of the good ones"
I would look into your beautiful blue eyes
Couldn't help but think to myself
You're so out of my league in the best possible way
Back then I was so happy to have found you
To have you in my life
Thought maybe I had finally got something right
Maybe you were my "happy ending"
My always and forever
Believed there was no storm or weather that we couldn't handle together
A lot of firsts with you - Some good, some bad
Some were potentially the best times I've ever had
Didn't end up that way - But that's okay
Grateful for the lessons you have taught me along the way

Loving you taught me;
Patience, perseverance, resilience and strength

I will admit, some lessons were hard
But still grateful nonetheless

I know in my heart I have so much love to give
Unfortunately, I just gave it to the wrong person

It's funny how a person can make you never trust again
But simultaneously, all you wanna do is be able to trust someone again
But you're skeptical... sometimes somewhat cynical
Questioning every little thing
Because maybe it just seems too good to be true
Questions run through your mind, almost uncontrollably
Will history repeat itself?
Will this time be worse?
Is this finally a "happy ending"?
Or could this potentially just end in divorce?

Call me cynical but I kind of believe;
Marriage is just a piece of paper
A wedding ring is just a piece of jewellery
At least that's what my Mum always used to tell me
As soon as the word "prenup" comes up, suddenly they're kind of angry
Marriage these days, is just another way to say money
Marriage just doesn't sound like love to me
No longer is marriage sacred
More often than not these days, just like a relationship
- It's filled with secrets, lies and hatred
Makes sense I guess, because there is such a fine line between
Love and hate
Pleasure and pain
After a while, I guess it all just starts to feel the same


But we don't wanna be alone secretly
Although some people will never admit it
So we lock the what if questions away in a cabinet
Hope to break the "too good to be true" never ending habit
Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable once again
Giving them your heart and soul, all the while quietly saying

Please don't ******* break it
Because honestly I couldn't take it

Make this world make sense
It's all so contradictory...