It's funny how a person can make you never trust again
But simultaneously, all you wanna do is be able to trust someone again
But you're skeptical... sometimes somewhat cynical
Questioning every little thing
Because maybe it just seems too good to be true
Questions run through your mind, almost uncontrollably
Will history repeat itself?
Will this time be worse?
Is this finally a "happy ending"?
Or could this potentially just end in divorce?

Call me cynical but I kind of believe;
Marriage is just a piece of paper
A wedding ring is just a piece of jewellery
At least that's what my Mum always used to tell me
As soon as the word "prenup" comes up, suddenly they're kind of angry
Marriage these days, is just another way to say money
Marriage just doesn't sound like love to me
No longer is marriage sacred
More often than not these days, just like a relationship
- It's filled with secrets, lies and hatred
Makes sense I guess, because there is such a fine line between
Love and hate
Pleasure and pain
After a while, I guess it all just starts to feel the same


But we don't wanna be alone secretly
Although some people will never admit it
So we lock the what if questions away in a cabinet
Hope to break the "too good to be true" never ending habit
Allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable once again
Giving them your heart and soul, all the while quietly saying

Please don't ******* break it
Because honestly I couldn't take it

Make this world make sense
It's all so contradictory...

Loyalty is so rare
Especially these days, and it *****
Life is full of temptations
Love is seeing the temptation there, but you choose to ignore it
Because what you have already is perfection in your eyes, and that's something you don't ever want to jeopardise.

So if you love me; please don't say that
Love is a word thrown around to carelessly these days
That beautiful precious word loses its meaning

If you love me, prove it with loyalty
And I'll give you reciprocity

There is literally a plethora of games in this world.

And yet.. you still wanna play games with someones heart?

Shame on you.

I left him

If someone new has come in to his life;
I hope he has made some changes in his life that I tried to help him with.
I left because everything I was doing or was trying to do fell on deaf ears.
A hard lesson I have learnt is you can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped in the first place..

And if that's the case; walk away

You tried so many ******* times that you lost yourself in the process.

Some questions that cross my mind from time to time...

Which side of the bed do you sleep on?

Do you still..

Play video games to all hours of the morning when you know you should be sleeping?
Leave empty beer cartons in the fridge?
Leave a trail of coins around the house everywhere you go..
I always used to pick them up for you and put them in a jar..
Is your washing basket overflowing?
Are there dishes in the sink?
Does the dishwasher need to be unpacked?
Does the bin need to be emptied?

Do you still...

Tear the house apart when you can't find something or you're running late?
Fall asleep on the couch even though it's bad for your neck?

Are you still obsessed with ****** documentaries, ****** and space?
Make up your own songs and sing when you're really happy?
Listen to music blasting in the shower?
Listen to the Guilty Pleasures playlist on Spotify?
Are there songs you just can't play anymore?
Forget to call or text your family back and need reminding?
Are you working yourself to death and staying out late basically every night?
Do you say you're not drunk when you clearly are?
Do you still shut-down your emotions when you're ******* or sad?
Are you eating home cooked meals or take-away basically every night?
Do you still eat ice cream even though it doesn't agree with you?
Do you randomly blurt out amazing and interesting facts about anything and everything?
Is your favourite cocktail still a Negroni?
Do you still put a "lucky dollar" in the pokies when you pass by a machine?
Do you still talk in your sleep and snore?
Some (definitely not all) were things I used to adore
And I could list so many more
These things might sound like I'm picking you apart
But these are things I still remember about you
Things that are kind of tattooed on my heart
But in the end, we weren't right for each other and gradually grew apart
You were a massive part of my life for so long
I don't understand how something that was so good could turn out so wrong

But I guess these things happen and life goes on..

Just know that there was a time where I loved and cared for you
Unconditionally and wholeheartedly


I know I wasn't perfect
And I would never claim to be
Maybe I could've been better
Maybe if I was different things would've ended up differently

Sometimes I wonder do you have questions for me
Or have you forgotten about me entirely

And now I'm nothing but a distant memory

I would give you my heart and world, if you'd let me
I would love you so passionately and deeply
This kind of feels like the longest insane crush
I'll be honest though, my world isn't all that much
But in this world there seems to be no reciprocity..
Love in the past has kind of been an atrocity
Leaves you feeling more alone, numb and empty
In a perfect world, I'd give you my heart
And we wouldn't tear each other apart
Our happy carefree lives could finally start
When it comes to matters of the heart, I can't help but overthink
People these days think it's better to just let the ship sink
What if I take a chance on this person and it ends up being another disaster?
Relationships these days seem to be ending much faster
Some say that life is a gamble
But another heartbreak is more than my heart and mind can handle
When it comes to life and love can't help but think: "what a waste"
When I think back to the past it leaves a pretty bitter taste
This world is just so full of ugliness and deceit
A lot of people can't resist temptations lustrous heat
So, alone I stay, and just pine for a love that always seems to get away
Maybe until I'm old and grey
But who is to say
Afterall tomorrow is another day
And who knows what or who is on the way..
🔮

I still miss you
As the years go by

I still miss you
Like the clouds would miss the sky

I still miss you
Like a bird without its wings

I still miss you
Like a flower without the joys of spring

I still miss you
As I greet another day

I still miss the love we shared
And the memories we both made

Wherever you are, you're always in my heart

We're never truly far apart  

I know you're there

In the Sun on a beautiful day

When the Moon is full & bright

Even sometimes when I can't sleep at night

The smell of chocolate cake baking, or even a home cooked meal

Soft hands, a comforting warm hug when the tears just won't stop

Certain smells, certain songs

The beach was always one of your happy places
It's no surprise it's mine as well

For better or worse, I am my mother's daughter
I am pieces of you

I am sensitive, passionate, intense, artistic
All because of you

You taught me money can't buy love or happiness

You told me "Don't worry, be happy"
Which is funny, because it's all I seem to do

What I would give just to be able to talk to you

There are so many things I remember about you
I could go on for hours

So please, Mum, have no doubts

Even though you're gone, you're never forgotten

You're forever & always in my heart

Happy Mothers Day ♡

You captivated my heart & soul
I got lost in your beauty..
I didn't realise I was bleeding just to be close to you.. just to hold you
I learned a painful lesson that even roses have thorns
I'm not talking about a flower
🌹🥀

All I wanted was you
I miss your face, voice, body
The way you say my name
The silly videos you would send me while at lunch
I love & hate the effect you have over me
And continue to have over me
Part of me wishes I never met you
But a larger part wishes we could start all over again
Nobody makes me feel the way you do
In good ways & bad ways
I haven't had *** with anyone
I don't want to have *** with anyone
I'm forever emotionally unavailable now
I don't wanna get close to anyone ever again
I'm loyal to a guy who was never mine
That saw me as nothing but another knotch on his belt
You were never mine, so why does it hurt so bad
Why do you continue to haunt me
When I know you have forgotten about me completely
Why did you reach out to me after 2 exes?
Because I was familiar & you were lonely
I wish you would answer the questions in my mind
I wish you would reach out
A part of me wanted you to say don't go
But you didn't
We've known each other for 9 years (on & off)
I don't wanna throw that away
I'm never gonna have that with anyone ever again
Why do you talk about other chicks - to make me jealous?
You know that's what it does
Everything you did with her I wanted to do with you & more
I was never good enough for you
You were attracted to me & liked ******* me but that's it
Made me feel so empty & used
I never judged you
Didn't care when you gained weight
Tried to deny my feelings & be your friend
I wish I could turn off my emotions
I'm cold, heartless, numb now from all of this
You're beautiful, unique & rare in my eyes
I wish that was enough
But I'm never enough
Why did you wanna see me one last time before I moved?
You knew I had strong feelings for you on & off this whole time we have been in each other's lives

Have you gained weight?
Does she laugh at your ED?
I would never do that to you
Do you use numbing spray with her?
Does her body **** you like mine used to?
Or was that just a line?

I'm scared that this isn't gonna work like time & time before
Just a job to them
Just a number
Just another patient
They don't really care - they're paid to listen, etc
Looking at the clock, not really absorbing what you're saying to them

Dead end job, dead end life, dead end existence
Pointless
Waste of space
Never should've been born
People would be better off if I was dead

I cry at work (when no one is there)
I cry in the morning on the train
I cry on the train home

Just wanna sleep all the time
Like my bed is velcro & I'm wearing a velcro suit - I'm stuck/unmotivated
Getting out of bed every day is a struggle

Emotional warfare right now
I'm crying on and off all day
Very red eyes
It's not a good look
I feel like they are suffocating me right now
Everything just feels really heavy
Unenjoyable
Meds don't work

Everything is a challenge
Getting out of bed, brushing my teeth, showering

Therapy has never worked for me
But my head is getting dark, so I need to do something

I've been so sad on & off my whole life
That's one thing that has been constant
At least
It's just draining and taking a massive toll this time

I feel like I've failed
Or I'm failing

I feel invisible like I'm here, but I'm not
Like I could walk straight through people
And they wouldn't even know I'm there
Among other things

Always longing to be a kid again
Start again
Do things differently
Live in the past
Not content with the future
The future looks blurry & uncertain

I haven't wanted to come to work
Let alone get outta bed
But I drag my *** to work

High functioning depression vibes
I know I'm not alone in this, but it sure **** feels like it

I don't like being human

People I like don't like me
People who like me, I don't like them
I self-destruct, self-sabotage
*** drive - Non-existent

Described by my partners mother:
Storm in a teacup
Victim mentality
I **** all the happiness/joy out of the room
Negative energy

Unrequited Love

So bitter-sweet

Pretty boys are poisonous

Wasted years on you
Hoping you would feel the same way one day
But one day, never came
Maybe in another life, you would say

If I had you
I wouldn't want anyone else

Felt like you understood me

Was it all in my head?

Seeing your name hurts my heart
Hearing your name does the same
I see a rose & think of you

Roses are such a beautiful flower
But even they have thorns
Guess I got lost in your beauty
Lost in your words
Your eyes captivated my soul
You were my total undoing
But I was nothing to you but a warm body
Just some flesh

Previous conversations haunting my mind
Even though I've deleted everything
You're still haunting my memory
Will you always be haunting me?
It's more than my heart & mind can take
Like a dream that I can't wake up from that just keeps repeating

Was it all in my head?

So many tears wasted on you
Never thought that friends could break your heart too
I ****** around & got attached to you
Now you're just gone

Thought I could help you
Thought I could save you
Thought we could save each other

Pretty boys are poisonous

I told you how I felt & you didn't care
You didn't even reply
I told you about my mental health, and you didn't even reply

You don't care about me
You never did

You mean so much to me
But I mean nothing to you

Message received

I will never contact you again

You were never mine
So why does it hurt so badly?

I still felt down when I spoke to you, but I liked talking to you because you understood because you think very similar to me

Feel like I found someone that understands my ****** upness & now you're just gone

I moved interstate because it was never gonna work out the way I wanted it to

It confuses me because we spoke more once I moved
Why didn't you make that much effort when we were both in the same state?

Why did you wanna see me one last time ?
Was it to **** with my head & heart?
If so, then mission accomplished & then some

I can feel myself fading again
Hiding my story from friends
Less active on social media
My alarm goes off & I have no energy
I drag myself out of bed
Like my bed is velcro or something
Same ****
Different day
Same emotions
Same spiralling thoughts that never seem to end
Feel like I could walk into oncoming traffic & it would just go straight through me
Like I'm invisible or something
May as well be naked in the street
Nobody sees me anyway

When did I become so numb
When did life stop being fun
Has it always been a struggle
Life has always been a juggle
Maybe once I was just too young to notice
When did I develop this constant lump in my throat
Feeling sad but beyond the point of tears
Guess you eventually run out of tears after so many years
Every now & then they creep up on you
But you don't know why you're crying
Questioning every decision I ever make
It seems no matter which way I turn
It always turns out wrong
Self-destruct
Self-sabotage
Cold, heartless, careless, selfish, evil
No love in this heart
Anyone that gets close I just tear it all apart
Just feel numb
Fake a smile
Fake a laugh
Listen to music to drown out my thoughts
But they always win
Always **** everything up
Burn every bridge
Until it's disintegrated
I'm alive but I feel mostly dead
Cold & heartless
Life borderlines disastrous

Alone in a dark room
That's when my thoughts are the loudest
Even when I'm with people, I feel alone
Does that even make any sense?
My thoughts saying
Insignificant
Invisible
Unworthy
A waste of space
A waste of life
Look at you trying to be happy, nice try
It won't work
Happiness isn't meant for you
Among many other things
I try to drown them out with music
I try to distract myself with movies
Any activity basically
But the thoughts always come back
All I want to do is drink & sleep
Barely have an appetite
Finding it hard to fake a smile
Haven't felt this way in a while
Sort of crept up on me
Unemployment is not helping my mental state right now
Feeling somewhat isolated & unwanted
I hate my mind majority of the time

I have felt lost for the majority of my life
It seems no matter where I go, this feeling seems to follow me
Haunting me
Taunting me
The meaning of life question eludes me
Every single ******* time
It scares me how often I question my meer existence
The constant overthinking in my head at times feels like a machine gun
Sporadic thoughts about anything & everything going a million miles an hour
So many thoughts that my heart beats fast & begins to ache
When it beats this fast I wonder; Is this how I'm gonna die - A heart attack ?
They say stress is a silent killer
I feel like I've been stressed on & off my whole life
So much so that I can't sleep, just stare at the ceiling.. Listening to the blades of the fan
Keeping me awake
I want to be happy, but happiness eludes me
The majority of the time, I just feel numb
Whenever I smile or laugh, it just feels like a facade
Can't shake the feeling that I've failed as a human
I've failed at life
I feel like a nobody the majority of the time
I'm my own worst advocate
My own worst enemy
Constantly questioning every decision I've ever made in life
I don't know which is the right path
The path is always blurry
Somehow, it all just feels wrong
I've never felt like I belong
After a while, you get sick & tired of being told that you're strong
Don't give up
Just keep holding on
For what
Sooner or later, I always self-destruct.. self sabotage.. self depricate
Everything I do feels like a mistake
Strongly believe I'm not cut out for this life ****
If life makes you this unhappy & unfulfilled , you should be allowed to tap out

I haven't contacted you on every source..
I blocked you on everything
I was upset because what you said was harsh, disrespectful & heartless.
Using your mental illness to treat people the way that you do is such a cop-out & not okay on any level - it's ****** up
You didn't use me sexually but you used me emotionally - which is kind of worse.
Platonic means nothing ****** & yet you spoke about hooking up hypothetically, said you were hard (not platonic type of conversation at all - you brought this up, not me - if it's platonic why bring that up?
If it's been platonic - why sleep with me to begin with?
Your words contradict your actions & vice versa
I don't know what I ever saw in you, thought the world of you, put you on a pedestal
Now I don't even wanna be in the same state as you, let alone the same country

Everyone has their addictions
Some are good
Some are bad
I don't judge
Life is hard - You do you
Honestly whatever gets you through
My addiction used to be you
Use to be addicted to loving you
Use to be addicted to making you happy.. or at least I tried
My World has never been much
But whatever I did have - I wanted to give to you wholeheartedly
I thought my addiction in you was good
But overtime it turned bitter-sweet.. sour..
Then it was just plain bad
You're the only "love" I've ever had
But how can that be?
Young and naive me thought it was you & I for eternity
The good, the bad & the ugly

Love...
What a powerful word...
One of the most beautiful yet confusing words I've potentially ever heard
To some people, what I've just said may sound absurd
But bear with me
Go back to the first time someone said that to you
Hearing the words "I love you"
Instantly fills your heart with warmth
But also hoping that this isn't too good to be true

Love is a wholehearted from the belly laugh
Love is finally finding your other half
A different but in ways similar version of you
But still you question; is this to good to be true

Love...
Can be pain
It almost never feels the same from flame to flame
Love...
Can be lust
Love can be beautiful; But only if you have trust
Hoping that it lasts forever
Love is giving in to vulnerability
Letting someone really see you - the good, bad & ugly
Finally feeling you can be wholeheartedly yourself 
Love is little things that have a big impact
Like holding hands on the train
He's looking into your eyes like you're his whole world
Her eyes sparkle, gazing back at him
She's so happy, she doesn't even think to look away
There's a warmth in her cheeks from smiling so much that she's blushing
It's like there is nobody else in the World

You can do this & you can do that - But I can't?
Double standards...
You go out with anyone and everyone to all hours of the morning - But I can't?
Double standards...
It's late.. you're not home.. I'm worried about your safety (because I care about you)
Phone calls and texts go unanswered
You know I sleep better with you by my side
All of a sudden straight to voicemail or did you turn your phone off?
Losing my trust in you more every single time
Endless lies - Hard to believe anything you say anymore
Becoming skeptical and cynical
Early morning light creeps in and you're still not home..
My overthinking sets in.. I can't sleep - But you know this already
Coming home reeking of alcohol, legless
Even though I asked you please don't do anything silly because it was the first day of my new job in the morning..
I guess it went in one ear and out the other
Lost track of how many times a week you would do this
Remember when that strange lady brought you home
Imagine my surprise when I opened the door
Remember that one time I went out and got drunk with my gf, came home
Ended up hurting my head on your scooter (I was bleeding)
But you couldn't care less.. I should've known then
Controlling..
Telling me what to wear (always tight clothes)
Now I can wear whatever the **** I want
Telling me how to wear my hair (not a bun - it makes you look angry)
Now I can wear my hair however the **** I like
Telling me to dye my hair (always blonde)
Controlling..
Telling me what I can and can't say
To the point I felt like a ventriloquist doll
Never knew what I could or couldn't say
So in the end I just stayed silent
And I said that to you numerous times (You didn't like that)
Every now and then I get flashbacks
I could never do or say the right thing..
Life is hard alone - I'll admit
But I no longer feel trapped
No more manipulation & double standards
Just a little sad I guess about all of the time I wasted

Can't explain to you how badly I wish I had a time machine
So many things we could've avoided
Maybe then I wouldn't be so disjointed
So many things we shouldn't of seen
That can't be unseen
Can't tell you how badly I wish I was a young teen
Maybe our childhood wouldn't of been so obscene
If only I had a ******* time machine
Change our childhood story
Look back at our lives with a little bit of glory
Not have to grow up well before our years
How nice to not have to cry so many tears
What a dream to not have so many fears
How nice it would've been if
Dad never cheated
Maybe Mum & Dad get married and live happily ever after
How amazing it would've been if
Mum never got sick
Mum never met Rick
No abuse, no drugs
I still remember Mum getting hit
I remember the bruises
I remember the sadness
Another example of the ugliness of humans in this World
With every fibre of my being I wish life turned out differently
Maybe if I had a time machine I wouldn't question my existence daily
I would be happy, genuinely

This probably won't make any sense but..
I'm here.. But I'm not (?)
Each day I feel my soul slowly start to rot
Stomach basically always in a knot
Faking a smile
Faking a laugh
Faking it until I make it
But really I honestly just can't take it
I'm half alive, but I feel mostly dead
These thoughts are so draining inside my head
What's the point of trying?
When it feels like you're already dying?
Majority of the time I wear black
Maybe I'm just trying to be a shadow? 
This World is so ugly, greedy, toxic and shallow
It leaves you feeling more than hollow
These days I basically feel invisible
I'll be honest.. the future is very blurry, barely even visible
Which way do I turn - left or right?
I honestly don't know who or what will set my soul alight
People keep saying hang in there, it gets better.. just hold tight
I feel like I'm in an endless battle... and I am losing this fight
Relying on a bitter pill to make me not feel ill
To keep pushing me up this never ending hill
I feel like an old picture that has started fading
Getting tired of masquerading
Pretending to be happy, pretend I'm enjoying life.. It's all just white lies
But people close to me can see the truth in my eyes
Some people seem to have everything handed to them on a silver platter
And the sad unhappy people just don't matter
They seem to not have a care in the World
In comparison their World is perfect.. shiny and so furled
Some may disagree and say that I'm being hateful
I know that everyone has their share of ups & downs in life - But I've had a plateful
I know that this too may come across as ungrateful
But life all throughout has been quite painful

Thinking about you, almost constantly
Why are you the only one that has that effect over me?
I wanna speak to you daily
But kinda scared that you'll just ignore me
I want you so badly
In every sense of the word
You probably don't even think about me
You're the only notification I wanna see on my phone
I wish I would get a message from you saying to come over
Talk to me like you did before
I guess things are going great with her
It makes me kind of sad that you've already said the l word
After only such a short amount of time
What does she have that I don't?
Is she more stable than me?
Is her smile whiter and straighter than mine?
Are her ******* larger and firmer than mine?
Does she smell nicer than me?
I wanna go back to that night
Do some things differently
Maybe then, just maybe then
You'd end up with me
I've got it in my head
That you came back in to my life for a reason
Not how I wanted this to end
I don't want this to be the end
You're constantly on my mind
I wanted to give my all to you
There is nothing I wouldn't do
Just to be with you
I never really believed in that sort of stuff
But when I met you
Couldn't shake the feeling
That maybe you're my soul mate or twin flame
I should've kissed you that night
I should've stayed the night
I guess I ****** it up
Thought my kiss would leave you wanting more
To wanna hang out again
Guess I ****** it up all over again
Why do I do this?

You're like a drug, an addiction
The wave of happiness that washes over me when we talk
It's something I haven't felt in a long time
Time goes so quickly when we're together
I'd happily lose sleep just to talk to you
I wish we were together more often
You have a beautiful caring heart
I wish you saw yourself the way I see you
A beautiful human
Inside and out
In every aspect of the word
You're worth your weight in gold
I think you have my heart
I wish I had yours
I hope you're not the one that gets away
I hear your name and my heart races
I think of you when I go to bed
I think of you when I wake up
I wanna lay next to you
Lay my head on your chest
I wanna laugh with you
I wanna cry with you
I wanna love you
Be by your side, always
You're the only name I wanna see come up on my phone
You're the one I wanna message all of the time

Happiness eludes me
One cage, to another & back again
Screaming internally, profusely
But nothing comes out that makes sense
I don't want to be here
I don't want to be there
I don't want to be anywhere
They say "life is a gift" 
But it feels like a curse
I stick by that verse
Somebody stick me in a ******* hearse
I'm so ******* empty, so ******* tired
So ******* done
This is no longer fun
This is so ******* painful (You have no idea)
When did life stop being so wonderful?
It's not a matter of if
It's a matter of when
****, when did this happen?
****, when did this begin?
Why did this happen, did this happen suddenly?
Trying to remember the last time I smiled genuinely
Drinking wine out of the bottle
On the balcony
Wearing jeans and a hoodie
Shivering and quivering
Watching another sunset pass me by
Day by day
Watching life pass me by
In this moment an ocean of emotions
Emotions in devotions
Internally wishing I was up there with you
Feeling lost and lonely constantly
Nothing can ******* save me
Life feels like a cruel sick twisted ****** up joke
Constantly choking back the tears
No longer filled with fear
Constantly asking myself;
What the **** am I doing here?
Have this question in my mind multiple times a day
Maybe I should let my thoughts have it's way
Done that for guys; not much ******* difference? (is there any ******* difference?)
Feeling so numb
I don't know why but..
This life is no longer fun
So what's the ******* point