I thought of

telling you how I miss you-

but then the

forgotten memory

of her existence was remembered

and I couldn’t make

my fingers type the words.

The simple words.

I chose to let you have your

now happiness

over reminding you of the
connection we still have

whenever we’re together.

because you can be so
perfect and amazing
yet
I won’t lie and deny how much of an
*******
you really are.

I think that’s why I
                             love
                             you.
You let it show
with a grin you don’t care
I don’t care
because you’re that one *******
whom everybody loves.

than your teeth on my
neck your tongue across the
wound
your harsh kiss against
my lips
slipping slithering caressing
down the rest of me.

The sharp nip at my
skin the pressure of your
weight over me
the hard grip of your
hands
moving up down across me.

Hips colliding
          striking
          smashing against each other
collecting dark bruises
to be worn as adornments alongside
fading ones.

Close my eyes open my mouth
sounds are coming out
move with you feel you shift
eyes trained on me
hunger emanating from them.

is such an ugly word.
It's ******
      gory
      heart tearing.

People think they can
                                       understand
                                       sympathise
                                 relate on some level.
That's what I thought-
but you simply
                           CAN'T.

The depth of emotion for such
a blatant mi
                 ra
                cle is stronger
than you could
imagine.

And then it's
               taken
               away.

Against a door
on your knees
doubled over
throat hoarse
eyes swollen
tear tracks
skin under nails
scratches down face.

I swear I didn’t.
Was never my plan to
go brother to brother.
You didn’t need to be so
shocked we fit better than we had
though.

He had months to know me while
you jumped straight with me.
I was walking from him when he stopped me
in my retreat.
Must have known he was losing me since
he grabbed the chance to make us
official in everyone else’s eyes.

He asked you before about it.
About if you had problems with it,
you said no.
Later admitted to me how you were
totalled in shock.

Must have been baffling to hear how
the brother liked the broken girl.
Shocking.
Brother heals girl broken from brother-
what a ******* classic.

that the girl I was
could become somebody so
different.
So suddenly
      abruptly
      uncalled for.
Never dreamed I could become this.

I like to say
society is to blame.
The urge to be beautiful can
capture you so tight if you’re even a
little unsure.
Society is not to blame.
I am to blame.
I am to blame.

That innocence was so eager
to be gone,
to be mature,
to be adult.
Rushed out of it and I fell
                                     fell
                                     fell
and became corrupt.

Can’t say I didn’t enjoy it.
Oh it became what I kept for as my pride.
Reaped as a casualty.
Rushed into a much too adult world.
Under that farcical act I knew nothing.
Pain follows like an ex ever since.
Thrived in it regardless, embracing it.

I thought I deserved it.

so it never surprised me when you
would suddenly disappear from my
life.
All at once
no warnings
just gone with no hints as
to why.

Contact didn’t happen
and after a while I would
give up.
I knew when it came time that
you would show back up.
Few months later it
always happened-
no excuse for me
just some vague
                 casual
                 normal
greeting.
As if you hadn’t just come back from
months long haitus from me.
Always something like
Hey baby
I sure missed you.

It didn’t matter that
that was how it always went
for you and I.
There was a constant fear that
the last time I saw you would
be the very last.

Took to making sure you knew
how loved you were
every time I walked away from you.
Only you knew the next time we would
see each other.