i went on a date to forget about you
just to end up telling him about you

i remember that night in flashbacks.
like a movie.
i slowly drowned in a river and my body wasn’t found until the sun hit my shining smile where people miles away could see it,
because even though you killed me i was happy it was you.
if i got to die it was privilege that you were the one who did it.
you made it quick
you held your breath in and you spoke about the future and how much you loved the color grey but never about how much you liked me,
and you breathed it out like it was the only sentence you knew
“i don’t, and i don't think i can feel the same about you.”
and i flatlined in your bedroom.

cara tuhan menguji ciptaannya memang ada saja
harta
takhta
kuasa
dan aku; kamu

i’m so tired, tired of all this escaping. it reminds me of that part in all the horror movies, the ones where the characters are running for their lives; they aren’t entirely sure what it is they’re running from, they just know that it will be the death of them. i have this pit in my stomach and my brain is on fire and i cannot - for the life of me - figure out why. i don’t know what’s chasing me, i just know that i better not let it catch up. i’ve been sprinting, trying so hard to be holy, that i didn’t notice i don’t actually want to die. but I’m afraid that’s what it means to be holy. I’m going to stop running.

i’ve been thinking about how thin i can get
so then maybe you’ll take me with you
if i take up less space maybe you’ll find room for me in your life
if i close my mouth more and the room doesn’t fill with words we don’t mean
i won’t be able to hold you accountable for feelings you never had to begin with
maybe if i can squeeze into a double small you’ll find somewhere for me in your arms
you’ll find a place for me to drown in your thoughts
and you’ll think “wow she doesn’t take up much room at all”
maybe if my physical self wouldn’t drown on a sentence of "i’m sorry"
you’d find a place for me to go with you;
a place for me in you
and maybe just maybe there’d be a home for me
and maybe just ******* maybe i’d be enough
i’d have to stop searching for love where it doesn’t exist and you’d see that i only do the things i do
because more than anything i want you to love me too
more than anything i want you
i keep looking for something and i think i’m dying because this can’t be living
should i keep searching for some kind of meaning?

this is dedicated to my new love. not you, because no i did not love you. i loved how you made me feel with my clothes off and i loved how you understand my twisted mind and i loved how you could turn a bedroom into a home. even if home was miles away and we were staying in a rented room and the room next to us just can't stay shut and you had brought so many other girls here that i could grab perfume from the air and place it on myself and compare myself to them without ever taking my eyes off of you. you never knew my favorite color and it’s blue when i know yours is every shade of green. you never knew that i hate my house or that i couldn't eat and lose so much weight while you ignored my calls. so i dedicate this to my love, my new love, because they’ll never forget my birthday and i’ll drown in them like the ocean. i hang you out to dry, i leave you on the side of the road, old love, because for many months i wasn’t even a destination for you i was just a cheap hotel for feelings.

he doesn’t want you back
no not at all: but you are insisting
and at some point insisting is what you have left from him.
insisting is what he is considered to be. insisting is the newest shape of him.
insisting.
i know you grew older, laying in bed at 1 am thinking of calling him once again but then it hit you that he might take it lame
and i understand he was never really yours and i don’t think he ever cared
but when you’re young in love with an older boy and your heart gets shattered;
well you are too late to realize you’re the one who’s left picking up the pieces he broke you into.