Who am I?
Do you see me as I see you.
I can't tell who I am.
I'm lost.
Where have I gone.
Who have I become.
Am I the person I use to be before.
Or am I a completely different being.
Am I a mixture of the both.
I'm unsure.
I see you.
I see all of you for who you are.
Yet I can't see myself.
Do you see me.
Will you tell me who I have become.
Am I an author.
A poet.
A painter.
Am I smart.
Or beautiful.
Am I sweet.
Rebellious.
A mixture of all combined.
Who have I become.
Can you tell.
I've become blinded and can't see.
Who am I?

You say that I'm your dream girl.
I the girl of imperfection.
The girl full of sorrow.
To broken to love.
How do you not see how fragmented I am.
To be with me is to walk on broken glass.
I'm destructive.
I will cut you to pieces along with myself.
As I did to the man before.
If not for me...
He would not have been destroyed.
Do not let me destroy you.
Let me warn you.
I have a pretty face.
I have a sweet, caring attitude.
Yet, the inside is scarred and scary.
On the inside I am destruction in its whole.
Let go of me.
For fear I will break you too.

Let me ask you something.
What happened to I love you.
What happened to I love everything about you.
What happened to forever.
What happened to I love you and your flaws unconditionally.
What happened.
What made it stop.
What happened to you are my world.
What happened to I can't wait to spend my life with you.
What happened to we will make it through anything.
What happened to I need you.
What happened to you are my happiness.
What happened to I can't sleep without you.
What happened to you are my bestfriend.
What happened to I am so lucky.
What happened to all of the jokes.
All of the laughs shared.
What happened to you are why I smile.
What happened to I will marry you.
What happened to I will never leave you.
What happened to you are my priority.
I don't understand how it can change.
How you can go from loving to not caring.
Wanting to spend forever together to never see each other again.
I don't understand.
So tell me.
What happened to make you change your mind.

It is said that thoughts create reality.
That if you focus hard enough,
If you focus long enough on something...
That it is destined to come into play.
Granted I'm not telling you to just sit around and wait for it to occur.
Nothing in life comes from doing nothing.
You still have to try.
You just have to make sure you never stop focusing on it.
You have to believe with all of you that it will occur.
And it will...
Just have faith in the world.
Have faith in yourself.
If you strive for success you will make it.
If you live waiting for something horrible to happen.
It will happen.
Let your mind create the reality around you.
Let your life thrive.
If you take every turn expecting disaster it will occur.
Believe in yourself.
Otherwise nothing good your hoping for will happen.
And everything dreadful you expect to occur will.

But that's the thing...
The world isn't beautiful.
The world is dark and scary.
It is ugly and corrupting.
Picture perfect images hiding the mountains of sin and turmoil.
Picture perfect images hiding the truth all are to afraid to see.
We all think we know what beauty is.
We all think we've seen it.
Though few truly know what it is.
Because beauty...
Is hidden even beyond the deepest parts of the darkness.
So tell me.
Can you see the beauty in the darkness.

I put your shirts away.
The one that always smells like you.
The ones that I claimed as mine.
My shirts of yours that I love so much.
I still can't stop myself from wearing that necklace you got me.
The one for my birthday.
From when we were just friends.
I can't bear to be away from it.
I still wear all the clothes your mom bought me or your sister gave me.
All the cute new tops.
And old ripped jeans.
I still stare at the stars.
I get sad at all the things we smiled about.
I still think all the things I would look over and say to you.
I still think twice before I eat certain foods.
I feel lonely with every shower I take.
Every lunchable I eat.
Every drool worthy car I pass.
I wish I still talked to you on the phone everyday.
I still leave room for you in my bed when I go to sleep.
I still feel like I can't breathe when I see you.
I wish you were still my bestfriend.
I still call things what we named them.
I still want to send you all the pictures I use to.
I still worry about you.
You look too thin.
The songs we would sing to,
have *** to,
or just have in the back ground...
Still make me remember all those moments like they are still happening.
I still fall asleep dreaming of you.
I still wake up forgetting that you aren't there.
I still feel your touch every time I lay still.
I still hear your voice and laugh when I close my eyes.
I still wish you were my mcm.
I still do things for you as though you would care.
I still make sure the volumes are hitting a five.
I still want to call you.
Whether I need you to help me because I'm crashing.
Or I'm bored and want to talk.
I still make sure to be healthy for you.
I still love you.
I still care.
I wish I was still you're bestfriend.
I still wish for you constantly.
But mostly as my bestfriend more than anything.
I still want you always there.
I'm not okay with letting you go anymore.
But I know I have too.
I still want you to be happy.
That doesn't change the fact that I still miss you.
I miss you so much.
I still want to be your valentine.
I still want you to be there the rest of my life.
To grow old with you.
I still want all those dreams we made.
Mailboxes still give me butterflies.
I still cry almost everyday.
I still have so much more to say
But for now just know...
I still think of you every where I go.

I recently have realized something.
I now understand why this has all been so hard.
It's not just that I'm heartbroken.
I'm mourning.
That's why I'm broken.
That's why I lost all ability to love.
That's why I cry constantly and always feel like I can't breathe.
That's why he never leaves my mind.
I'm grieving.
The person I love no longer exists.
There's not one trace of him in that now skinny body.
The man I fell for has vanished and is never coming back.
It's as though a new person inhabits that body and haunts me everywhere I go.
A new person has been given the voice that can make me melt with one syllable.
And my soulmate...
The greatest love of my life is no more.
I mourn his loss every single day.
I break down crying every single night.
He's all I write about,
All I draw about.
And nobody understands why.
None of them get why I am still so broken hearted.
And that is the thing...
I'm not.
I've never been simply just dealing with a broken heart.
I'm grieving the dissaperance of the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with.
And truthfully I don't think I'll ever stop.
Even if someday I fall inlove again,
Get married, and have kids.
I'm going to spend the rest of my life wishing for a man who no longer exists.
And can never come back.
My bestfriend.... Is as good as dead.

Pounding heart
Spinning mind
Vibrating body
Words upon words flowing from my mouth
Getting dizzy from the anxiety
Why must I never stop speaking
Say the wrong thing
In the wrong moment
At the wrong time
Embarrassing myself with every syllable
Talking faster and faster with every second
The flow of words never ending
Till the agony of embarrassment halts me

I love you
Like the moon and the stars
You and I are incomplete without the other

To Gallifrey and Back
Greatful I am for you
Always by my side
Blessed, My heart is yours

Forever and Always
A** half of you is given to me
A half of me is given to you

I was told that over time it would get easier.
Yet...
With each day that passes I find it getting worse.

I know I write to much.
Correction...
I know I write about him to much.
I just find myself stuck.
Crying in heartbreak.
Feeling as though I'm torn in half.
Not only did I lose him.
It's as though I lost this giant part of me also.
I'm now just stuck in misery.
With nobody to share my pain and suffering with.
He was the person I told all this too.
Now I only have my pen and paper to share my pain with.
I'm heart broken.
It's been months...
And I'm still heartbroken.
All I've done for days is cry.
I miss him.
With everything in me.
I miss him.
Until that pain starts to deminish.
I'm just left to continue to write.
Writing way to often about a heartbreak that only so far has seemed to grow.
And not fade away like everyone expects it too.

We may be broken...
But we're healing!
And that's what counts.

Breakdown after breakdown.
Oh god how I miss you.
How I miss what life use to be.
Back when I had him as my bestfriend.
Back when our family felt whole.
Back when I had love and happiness in my life.
I constantly find myself having random break downs.
Because I miss my friends.
I miss him.
I miss myself.
But he is gone.
I am still here hidden somewhere in here.
Until then I still have my friends.
I may be 1000 miles away.
Yet we are only a phone call apart.
My friends will keep me sane.
Keep me happy and smiling.
Make sure I feel loved until I can do that myself.
Because they're not my friends.
They're my family.
They're my brothers and sisters.
The only people I know I can count on in my lowest points.
In all my breakdowns, I miss them dearly.
Though I know they're still there.
And that's how I get through.
My family may feel broken.
But we will make it.
Because we may have chosen to enter one another's lives...
We now know we will never choose to leave it.

I wish and I wish
For you and I
For our paths to cross once again
Because I wish
I wish I could have been everything you needed
I wish our love was powerful enough to last
Or perhaps start again
I wish and I wish
For dreams that most likely will never come true.

I spend half my year 1000miles away from home.
And in this moment...
No emotion beats how much I miss my family.
My friends.
My life.
Even just my bed.

I want to go back

The ocean reminds me of emotions.
Crashing in.
Fading out.
Sometimes fast and overpowering.
Sometimes slow and gentle.
Others a constant stream of the same thing pouring in and back out for endless amounts at a time.

I've finally accepted reality.
There's no getting over you.
There will not be one second from the moment I started,
To the day I am no more,
That I will stop loving you.
I know that are time is through.
That I can't even think of your name without feeling as though I'm dying.
But there's no point in trying anymore.
I will never be over you.
Though I am starting to learn how to live my life again...
Knowing that a giant part of me loves what I can never again have.

Somedays I just want to close my eyes and never wake up. I want to live in my dreams. That's why I hate waking up. I can hold you in my arms in that world. Where as here... Somebody else gets to have you. In my dreams I'm still happy and in love.
Here I'm struggling to live through the pain.

100 years ago.
If we were this in love...
We would be married or atleast engaged by now.
We would understand the fact we're meant to be.
That our love is one to last lifetimes.
We would go with it and let our love thrive.
We wouldn't be worrying about anybody else.
We wouldn't be worrying about our future.
It would just be us.
We would let our love and happiness with each other be it all.
But it isn't 100years ago
Life is all about success and who you're going to be.
And at our ages...
In this century...
We can't be meant to be
Not currently anyways.
The way the world runs that's the worst thing we can ever do.
Sooo we can't be in love.
I'm going to have to stop acting like it.
But I **** well am not going to ever stop feeling it.
I am always going to love you.
Hopefully someday we will find our way back.
We will be meant to be again.
It just ***** that the world punishes those who find love so early now.
If we met 10 years from now...
Nobody would blink twice about how we feel and care.
But we're stuck with all this life everyone is telling us we have to live.
Lives that currently we can't live together.
I really just keep hoping for a time machine.
Or that you'll start not caring about what society says it takes to live.

Someday I'll be the person I want to be.
Someday I'll stand up for myself.
Someday I'll learn how to love myself.
Someday I'll get my own art gallery.
Someday I'll finish writing my book.
Someday I'll walk the louve.
Someday I'll go to Venice and Rome.
Someday I'll find true love again.
Someday I'll be actually happy.
Someday I'll be the person I'm meant to be.
And until then I'm okay.
I'll get there!
Someday...

What has happened to all of us?
Our friendship use to mean something.
We weren't just friends.
We were family.
And now...
We're falling apart at the seems.
I miss what we use to be.
Can we all just go back?

Do you ever have those nights where you're laying in bed and all you want is someone to be there and hold you while you sleep?

Do you ever have those days were you're falling apart and all you want is someone to hold you while you cry?

I have them all the time.

*I just wish I had someone here to hold me.

It's okay to cry.
It's okay to be in pain.
It's okay to feel dead.
It's okay to want to scream.
It's okay to feel torn in half.
It's okay to not know how to survive.
It's okay.
Because you'll get through.
So in the mean time...
Cry.
Feel the pain.
Scream.
Spend hours ranting.
Do everything you need to.
Then get back up.
Someday you'll learn a new way to survive.
It will be okay.

Right there is where I fell in love with you.
Walking into this room I am swarmed with memories.
Because right here.
In these four walls...
Is where I fell in love.
Sitting on the floor over there painting.
Sitting on that chair at the desk.
Laying in bed on FaceTime.
There is where I first heard your voice on the phone.
First saw you on FaceTime.
Right there is where I sat while spending 3hrs convincing you it was okay for us to date.
This is where it all happened.
In the living room is the couch I was sitting on when you first messaged me.
There in the kitchen I use to dance while on FaceTime with you.
All of it happened here.
This is where I fell inlove with you.
Sitting here...
Every memory is pouring into my mind.
As though I've gone back in time.
As though walking through that door...
Transported me back to a different life.

I've always loved looking at the stars.
Then I always found us laying outside staring at the stars.
Then I fell inlove with them even more.
I always thought of you on a star filled night.
And then...
When I had my miscarriage...
I started calling that baby my shooting star.
Stars have become the world to me.
Except now instead of filling me with happiness and happy memories.
They make me wish for all the moments I've lost.
I'm sitting outside looking at the stars.
Filled with this feeling of content loneliness.
I go outside every night before I sleep And stare up at the stars.
The stars are always above us.
They are the most beautiful thing in my life now a days.

Some day I'm going to tell my kids about you.
I'm going to tell them about the boy who saved my life.
How you randomly messaged me on Facebook talking of dolphins, whales, and cyborgs.
I'm going to tell them how you were my bestfriend.
That I fell in love with you instantly and no body had ever made me happier.
I'm going to tell them about how you made me a better person.
How you taught me how to love myself by showing me how you saw me.
But I'm also going to tell them about how you broke me.
How you completely shattered me. That you crushed everything I was.
Took all the light from my life.
Made it impossible to breathe.
How I cried for months.
About how you turned into an unrecognizable person.
That I didn't get out of bed for weeks.

*And hopefully I'll be able to tell them that it got easier.
That overtime I started being able to sleep and eat.
That you stopped being the only thing on my mind.
That I slowly learned how to breathe again.

Do you remember the night where for a minute you forgot we weren't dating.
Months after we broke up.
And now...
You hate me.
If I could go back in time,
The one thing I would change is us...
I would have saved us.
I would have never ruined us.
I would never done what caused you to hate me.
I use to have no regrets.
Now I constantly regret us.
Regret how we ended.
Regret that I was to stuck in my head to see what happened.
I would have saved us.
Saved not just our relationship...
But our friendship.
Which has always been the most important thing to me.

They say that when love is real it finds a way.

That if you're meant to be together it will happen.

That if you love someone then to let them go and if they truly love you they'll come back.

But what if both of you are so scared and waiting for the other to fall in your lap you never make the move that gets one another back.

What if when you let them go. They think there's no chance and even though they still love you just as much as you do them... They don't realize you still love them also.

What if you're so busy waiting for fate and the powers of love to fix your life, that you miss the opportunity in front of you. If only you made the move.

Love is powerful because it makes us do things we never would have. Not because it magically fixes everything.

I get to town and immediately go to your place.
I text you that I'm there.
I walk to your front door and it's locked.
Which is odd... Cause it's never locked.
I knock and hear laughter inside.
I wait and nobody answers.
I turn away and text you again.
I hear your voice telling me to turn around.
I look back and there you are.
Standing behind you're balcony railing.
Hand picked flowers in your hand tied together with floss.
I run the few steps over to you.
I smile and we kiss.
Our first kiss.
No awkwardness to it.
Just perfection.
We laugh, and smile, and keep kissing.
Until finally after a few minutes stop.
Realizing we have to go back inside.
You hand me the flowers and we walk to your door.
Our friends,
The ones I heard laughing,
Are waiting for us inside.


*It was the perfect day.
With the perfect boy.
A day I wish had never ended.
A memory I always find myself replaying.
Even now, almost a year later.
Even now, when him and I don't even talk.

It feels as though my throat closes.
My lungs get stripped of all air.
My stomach gets twisted into a giant knot.
My heart gets crushed into oblivion.
Everytime one of our friends posts a picture of you.
Seeing you in person,
Is somehow even worse.
It feels as though you...
As though this pain...
Is slowly but surely killing me.

I act as though I'm okay.
That I'm okay with my life even though I lock myself in the bathroom for hours at a time.
Go on walks till midnight.
Do everything I can to disappear.
I tell everyone I'm okay with what's going on even though I hate it.
Just because I don't want to start more fights.
I hate my life.
I'm miserable.
I just want to go back to Indiana.
I can't stand living here.
But I don't want to cause more problems.
I don't know what to do.
I just...
I don't know what to do.
I love my mother.
But I can't stand living here.

I get through my day with lying smiles and fake laughter.
I get up everyday and dress like everything is okay.
I've gotten so good at pretending....
Nobody ever knows that I'm shattered inside.
That way I don't have to explain to people why I'm not okay.
Truthfully I'm more than not okay.
I'm dead inside.
The only reason I'm still physically alive...
Is so I don't cause this much pain to those I care for.
Which is more pain than most people can handle.
I live a loveless life.
I don't know how to love anymore.
I can say the words...
But the emotion just isn't there.
It's a horrible life to live.
I feel as though I am nothing.
Mentally I'm crying and screaming.
On the outside I'm smiling.
Wishing somebody would see my internal tears.
That way they could hold me close and pull me away from the darkness.
The way he did all those lifetimes ago.

What are families now a days?
Are they full of love?
Yes
Are they full of dysfunction?
Even more so
Fights?
Constantly
You love them.
You hate them.
You need them.
You can't stand to be near them.
They keep you sane.
While driving you even more crazy.
But what are families?
Well...
They're simply that.
They're the ones you didn't chose.
They're the ones who never disappear from your life.
No matter how amazing or horrible they are.
They're always apart of you.

Remember
The day we first met and you fell asleep holding me.
Remember
The day you tried to ask me on a date and I got scared and invited my bestfriend.
Remember
The night we fell asleep in the back of your stepdads truck.
Remember
When we spent an entire night sending each other Avatar the Last Airbender pickup lines.
Remember*
Our first kiss and how perfect it was.
Remember
All those nights we slept on FaceTime.
Remember
All those nights we spent watching Netflix, curled up in each others arms.
Remember
All the times we use to wrestle and you'd pin me against you.
Remember
All those drives we'd take holding hands, music blaring.
Remember
All the inside jokes we had. All the different names we would have for things.
Remember
How we always got butterflies.
Remember
How we looked at each other like there was no one else in the world.
Remember
The way our skin felt pressed against each other.
Remember
The night you painted my nails.
Remember
The day I rode my bike across town just because you wanted me there.

I remember all of it. I remember every memory. Every feeling. I close my eyes and remember it like it is still happening. So tell me...

*Do you still remember when?

Wake Up
Smoke
Go To Work
Smoke
Watch Netflix
Smoke
Stay Up All Night Stuck In My Head
Smoke
Force Myself To Sleep
Falling Asleep Dreaming Of Him
And Repeat

I spent part of the night watching old videos.
Some of them were of him and I.
I couldn't stop laughing.
I couldn't stop smiling.
I then listened to songs from last summer.
I sat there with my eyes closed.
Remembering all the different times they played.
I was smiling so much my face ached.
The memories were great.
Abit later I found myself standing there in silence.
Another memory popped in my head.
I ended up on the ground sobbing and hyper ventilating.
I couldn't handle it.
All I could think of was those words.
The one promise I never thought you'd break.
The one promise...
I guess I caused you to break
I promise I'll be here till the day you don't want to see my face.
I still want to see your face.
You're not here.
Some memories are torturous.

Here I am.
With the ocean out in front of me.
Watching the waves crash into the rocks.
Sun shining on my back.
Sand inbetween my toes.
A place most dream of going.
A place people vacation too.
Run towards to escape their everyday lives.
I live in a place of beauty.
As I watch this amazing scene most only see in movies.
My thoughts lay hundreds of miles away.
In the life I had this time last year.
If going back was possible,
I'd seize the opportunity without a second thought.
I don't know why this is all so hard.
All I do is write.
All I write about is him.
The boy I love doesn't even exist anymore.
Yet I spend all my time wishing to leave this island.
Wishing to go back to the time he did exist.
To this time last year when he was my bestfriend.
But I cant...
I'm just stuck with my thoughts in the past.
My dreams in a future I will never get.
Surronded by beauty I struggle to see.

Will this pain ever end.
Will my tears ever deminish.
Will my anger ever subside.
Or is this forever going to be my state.
I struggle even being attracted to people nowadays.
I don't see how I'm ever going to stop wishing for you.
Most days I just wish I could forget you.
That I'll get amnesia...
And forget about all I've gone through the past few years.
That would be so much easier.
Then living in a constant state of pain...

Where did you go?
I can't seem to find you anymore.
What happened to make you disappear.
I miss you.


and by you *I mean me.

Moving on is an illusion.
It's simply a state of mind to ease the pain.
You love until you don't.
You're hurting until you're okay.
You want them until you don't care.
Not for one minute does it lessen or get easier.
Not until the day it's simply gone.
There is no moving on process.
You simply just stop caring,
Stop wanting,
Stop loving,
And stop hurting one day.
*Just like that they're never thought of again

Hearing your name feels like a knife to my heart.
Speaking your name takes all my effort,
As though the words are suffocating me.
Yet...
Your name never leaves my mind.
In all my thoughts.
Over and over again...
Repeating a thousdand times a day.

*And I miss hearing you say my name

I have this necklace.
No matter how hard I try I can't stop wearing it.
I wore it virtually every single day from the time he gave it to me.
He bought it for my birthday.
He bought it back when we were bestfriends.
He refused for two months to give it to me.
He said he wanted to make sure he got to see me smile again.
**** did I smile too.
Now...
No matter how hard I try...
I still can't stop wearing it.
Not because the boy I loved gave it to me.
But because my bestfriend in this entire world gave it to me.
It's my favorite thing.
I can't bear to be without it.
It stands for everything I once had.
It stands for the happiest I've ever been.
It shows how deeply we knew each other.
The forever girl wears this necklace.
I may not be his forever anymore.
He may hate me completely.
That doesn't change the fact that he changed my life forever.
That whether I'm in love with him or not...
I will love him forever.

It's the simplest moments that the loneliness hits the hardest.
When things as mundane as stubbing your toe occur.
The moments when you just need someone to help you up.
Freak out about the tiniest cut and rush to bring you a bandaid.
But you have to stifle your yell of pain.
Force yourself up.
Take care of yourself.
Because that's the thing about being alone.
Nobody is there to help in even the simplest of moments.

It's 8am and I still haven't slept.
The thought of you has driven sleep away.
I've finally laid down,
And begun to play our song on repeat.
Praying for the first time in 6months.
Begging to understand.
To learn how to be okay with all that's happened.
To understand why I had to lose that baby.
Why I had to lose you.
What is suppose to happen that I can't have you in my life for.
Asking for help.
Help to learn how to be okay if you're not suppose to be here.
And if you are suppose to come back to my life...
Like I so desperately feel that you are.
Help to have the patience to get there.
I don't know how to love myself anymore.
I don't know how to survive without my bestfriend at my side.
So I'm just begging to learn how to want to live without you here.
I just need help to find a way to understand.
I just want to understand.
Then maybe I can sleep.
Maybe I'll be okay.
Maybe I'll be able to clear my head enough to evade constantly thinking of you.
I barely eat.
I barely sleep.
I'm to preoccupied in missing you.
I just want to learn how not to miss you.
I just want to learn how to sleep.

Once Upon A Time...
What now feels like life times ago,
I met this boy.
We fell inlove.
And like so many love stories...
It took the wrong turn.
We crashed and we were destroyed.
Before the crash you were my bestfriend.
Now you're unrecognizable to me.
I will always be inlove with the boy you once were.
The greatest bestfriend of my life.
But this creature you have become...
I have no desire for.
Though apart of me will unfortunately always love him.
Simply because he use to be you.
Though inlove with him...
That I will never be.

They say that the opposite of love is hate.
Though few realize the true opposite of love is indifference.
To not love for someone,
Is to not care for the person at all.
You do not dwell over them.
You do not get angry or feel sorrow over their actions.
It is true however that hate is a step away from love.
True hate I mean.
Not loath.
Not dislike.
But true hatred for another.
Because without love...
You feel nothing.
Only those who truly know someone.
Know the depths of their mind and soul.
Who have truly felt love for the person.
Can feel hatred towards them.
You can not despise ever fiber of another,
Unless you know every part of them as you know yourself.
Love and hate go hand in hand.
You can not have one without the other.
So as long as you hate someone...
Just know,
Even if it is the tiniest part of you.
Or hidden in the deepest depths of your heart.
Apart of you still feels a love towards them.