There's something beautiful about reading a book series you never want to end.
A series in which you escape so deeply into the depths of, it is a though you are there.
As though that is the world in which you live.
You are experiencing that story,
Going down that journey they descend upon, with them.
You cry when there's sorrow.
You smile at all the joys.
It becomes a piece of who you are.
When the story's over...
When the last line is read,
The last page it turned,
And you are forced to leave that world you have so deeply pourded yourself into,
It is as though you are leaving a part of yourself into that book.
That story.
A part of you that spent hours lost from the reality around you.
As you lived a different life.
Lived in a different world.
Learned and had more experiences than one could imagaine.
As you went from living just your life,
being inside just your mind,
feeling just your emotions....
To living the lives of many.
Feeling for things that have never occurred.
And spending hours in the mind of another.
Until finally you read the last line.
Turn the last page.
Close the book for the final time.
And descend back into reality.
Becoming just you, once more.

Laying out in the sun.
Getting sunburns that lead to tans.
Spending hours in the ocean.
Waves crashing against my skin.
Lots of smiles.
Lots of laughter.
Yet something's missing.
Something's not right.
This great day feels wrong.
And I can't quite place why.
Though I think I'm starting to figure it out.
I think it's because of you.
Because you're not here experiencing this with me.
And you were suppose to always be here.
Experiencing the rest of life and its beauty at my side.

I don't know why I still do this.
I don't know why I still cry.
I don't know why you still mean so much.
I don't know why I miss you
I don't know why I can't stop crying.
******* do I miss you.
And I refuse to tell anybody.
You hate me.
It's my fault you hate me.
But all I do is cry...
And miss you.
Why do I miss you.
I just don't know.....

I think of you*
I grab a cigarette.
I miss you I think
I lite it
I think of the feel of your arms and how much I need you
I start taking drags
I still love and want you
The drags become longer.
I remember the feel of you against me
Even longer now
I call out your name
The cigarette's gone. I light a new one.
I start silently crying
I sink to the ground
All our memories playing through my mind
Inhaling between every sob.
I continue on like this. Smoking and crying until the pain...
The pressure...
The never ending hurt begins to dull away.
Though never truly goes away.

I'm staying at my grandfathers tonight.
I remember very vividly the last time I stayed in this room.
And like always.
Like everything else in my life.
It's a memory connected to you.
There's no where I can go.
No song I can hear.
No movie I can watch.
No single person I can talk to...
With out there being a memory of you.
My world was once your world.
Now... Everything's connected to you.

I can feel the anxiety coursing through my body.
Oh God how I want this.
How I need it.
I know I'll be great.
Yet, I want this so badly...
My anxiety is overwhelming.
Scared of the possibility of being denied.

Standing in the midst of the ocean.
Enchanted by the beauty surrounding me.
Youre the only other thing on my mind.
The beauty of your smile.
The blue, green of your eyes.
Is the only thing that compares to this.
The cool feel of the waves crashing into my skin.
Is the most magnificent thing I have felt.
Yet, one touch from you...
Makes an unbeatable fire course through me.
In this moment.
I can't imagaine how one single thing.
The most beautiful thing.
Could beat how I see you.

The worst part about living in two places...
Is the constant goodbyes
The second you adjust and are happy again.
It's time to pack.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm growing tired of the word.
So instead I'll leave off with this.
*I'll see you guys soon!

Today was such a great day.
Today was my birthday.
I normally dispise this day.
I find birthdays idiotic.
Why submit people into categories of age.
When the mind is an age different from the body.
Though today was different.
For the first time in years I loved this day.
I haven't smiled in so long, my face aches.
I spent the day running around with friends,
Swimming,
Laughing,
Loving the time together.
Today was a great day.
I'm truthfully amazed.

Why can't I stop these dreams.
They crash into my mind.
Then spend the day on repeat.
I despise it.
That's my time to escape my thoughts of you.
Yet. You fill those moments as well
Though at the same time...
They're so vivid.
It's as though you're right next to me.
I wake up thinking it was real.
Which maybe is why I hate it so much.
Befriends means forever and always right?
What happened to forever and always.
Why did things have to be ruined.
I just want these dreams to end.
So my thoughts of you aren't as constant.
That way I'm not always reminded of the heartbreak.
The crushing sensation of losing my bestfriend.

It's days like this especially that I miss you being here.
Running around the city with my family.
It feels as though something's missing without you here.
Without even being able to talk about you.
Or tell you the random things that occur.
I keep seeing so many things that remind me of you.
I just can't help feeling like this entire day is wrong.
Because...
You're not here.

I constantly find myself wishing.
Wishing that I could forgot you completely.
Wishing that I could go back.
That we could just never have met.
That I can erase you from my past.
But at the same time...
I'd be praying that you'd still find your way into my path in the future.
Because I never felt happier than our times together.
It'd make sense I've never felt worse than us being apart.
Because I'm left realizing.
I wouldn't be who I am...
If I hadn't had met you.
If you hadn't become my everything.
If you hadn't taught me to be happy.
If you hadn't had destroyed me.
So tell me...
The next shooting star I see,
Should I wish to forget you.

I dreamt of you last night.
There wasn't much to it.
It was just you and I talking.
Sitting on the couch talking for hours.
I can't remember what we talked about.
All I remember is that all the stuff that has happened recently...
Didn't matter.
We were still bestfriends.
And we talked for hours.

You had me at "Hey"
You had me at "Do dolphins get dizzy?"
You had me at "I wanna be a whale"
You had me at "Cyborgs in Mt. Rushmore."
You had me with every joke.
You had me at out first phone call.
You had me at first sight.
I was always yours.
I don't know why I let you in like I did.
You lighted up my whole world.
Then you let me shatter back into the darkness.
But you always had me at hello.
I will always think of you and all the butterflies with every mailbox I pass.

Goodbye.

I just had an epiphany.
I'm done.
I wouldn't take him back.
He lied too much.
I got too angry.
We were amazing bestfriends .
Even better **** buddies.
But I don't think I could ever be with him again.
He just isn't the guy I feel in love with anymore.
I actually feel like I'm done.
Do I love him...
Yes.
Always will.
But he's not that same guy.

You broke me.
Now to survive I have to sit in bed night after night,
Reading poem after poem.
Quote after quote.
About love and heartbreak.
Happiness and sorrow.
Just hoping to find something I connect with.
That way I don't feel so alone.
That way I don't feel so crazy.
That way it feels okay that I still miss you this much.
Even though I'm shattered to the core.
Because I'm inlove with who you really are.
Not who you've convienced yourself to be.
I can't help but hate myself for still loving you.
Still crying about you.
That I have to have something to get through the night.
Because I cared enough to let you break me,
Crack me so deeply I don't know if I'll ever repair.

I never sleep.
Yet I'm never awake.
I'm always stuck with my head in my dreams.
Daydreaming that you could be here next to me.

Yesterday night I was told to do something different today.
Something that I never do normally.
So at 3 in the morning when I was in mental hell.
I called my bestfriends mom.
She was the only person I wanted to talk too.
She always told me to call her even at night.
Though she didn't answer.
I really needed her.
So instead of sitting there on the verge of tears.
I did something different.
I walked across town to see her.
I needed her.
So I got up and walked.
I didn't let myself sit in my own misery.
I didn't allow myself to fall into the norm.

Way to many things are occurring today.

Today's prom.
I was suppose to be there with you.

Today's the 25th...
It was suppose to be our nine months.

Today, two years ago my great grandfather passed away.
I was sitting next to him.
I miss him so much.

Today I watched my friends mom fall off a latter.
She laid there screaming.
I feel traumatized.

Today I'm going to get dressed up.
Hang out in my friends garage.
And get drunk.

Today *****.
I miss the love of my life.
I miss my grandfather.
I just want this day to disappear.

You sit across the room from me,
And pretend I'm not even there.
You see me take a shot,
And aren't even phased.
How do you just not even care anymore?
No... I understand why you wouldn't care anymore.
I just can't believe it as true.
I messed up.
Now you're stuck pretending I don't exist.
My bestfriend pretends I don't exist.

For over a year now you've been my life line.
I stayed alive because of you.
You always told me that if I die, you die.
So I stayed alive.
Simply because I could never hurt you.
Though Sunday it became clear that you're done with me.
Don't want anything to do with me.
Which meant if I died.
You wouldn't.
I didn't have something stopping me anymore.
I hate myself more than I can even explain.
So I got drunk and tried to **** myself.
I gave up over 16months of sobriety because I thought I was going to be dead by the end of the day.
I wanted to die.
I was going to die.
But yet...
I'm still alive.
I gave up 16 months of sobriety and I'm still alive.
I sicken myself.
And I still just want to die.

I was so close to not being inlove with you.
I was falling out of love.
But then for some reason...
We got close again.
And I couldn't help it.
I fell back in love with you.
Just as much as I had before.
If not even more...
Though now you practically hate me.
So I'm stuck having to force myself back out of love.

I can't stop listing pro's and con's.
Positives and Negatives of death.
Con...
It will break your parents hearts.
Pro...
You won't keep disappointing everyone you love.
Con...
It will **** your friends.
Pro...
You won't have to be constantly remembering the lost of your baby.
Con...
Your beautiful little cousins.
Pro...
You won't have to constantly be around the person you hate the most... Yourself.
Con...
Your bestfriend
Con...
Everyone who believes in you.
Pro
I wont have to spend my life disabled by my illnesses
Con
Giving up a future
Pro
I won't have to remember all the pain of losing you.
Con...
The possibility of it hurting you to lose me.

All I can do is list pros and cons.
I want to be dead.
Just gone.
Disappear from myself and all my emotions.
Never exist again.
I just don't know if I can do that to my family, to my friends.
If I can break their hearts...
Just to escape mine.

There I was sitting with the world below me. The never ending sunny blue sky that becomes filled with stormy grey clouds, rests just at my fingertips. If I decide to stay and wait just a few more hours it will turn into the darkest color the world knows. The deepest sea with bits of the brightest light shining through. I walk across the roof with what feels like the entire world below me. Like one jump down could end it all. One small step and my misery would be over. But I could never even comprehend doing something like that, not in a place like this. A place where the trees, trees so full of life are right in front of my eyes. It’s as though everything meaningful in life is at my fingertips. The wind is so strong today it feels as though, one wrong step, at the wrong moment and I won’t have to end it myself. I’ll just be knocked off of this heightened paradise.

Yesterday I took a picture.
This morning I printed it out.
Today I spent the day writing.
I took one look at this picture.
And now I have the first chapter of a book written.
I wasn't intending to start a new book.
It's a funny thing what inspiration can do.
What just one small, simple, everyday thing can do.

I saw a shooting star tonight and I'm thinking of you my precious baby.
R.I.P. January 15, 2015

Hush my sweet love.
Come lay here in my arms.
I'll protect you from all harm.
Protect you from your nightmares.
I'll keep you whole,
Never let you break.
Never let anyone harm you or your precious heart.
So come lay by my side.
I'll kiss you real quick.
We can spend the rest of the night sleeping in safety.
Keeping you safe from all harming thoughts.
I'll protect you from the world.
Even including yourself.
Here by my side you'll always be safe.
So close your eyes.
Quiet your mind.
Let me hold you.
Protect you from your demons.
It's safe here in my loving arms.
You're safe here by my side.

Why can't I get this feeling out of my head.
Anytime somebody brings it up,
Children,
Pregnancy,
Miscarriage.
The feeling comes back.
The empty feeling throughout all of me.
The crushing feeling on my heart.
The pounding in my head.
The all over urge to crawl in bed and never leave.
I felt the life of my child evaporate from me.
As hard as I try...
I just can't forget it.
This is the worst pain I've ever felt.
And it never goes away.
It just fades out from time to time.

I miss you so much.
Please come back to me.

I saw you sitting there.
Sitting on that park bench.
With your long board pressed against your knee.
I remember getting out of the van,
Running over to where I could see you.
I was so excited I was practically bouncing.
Though at the same time...
I never before had felt that amount of happiness.
Being near you, has never made me feel happier.
Every time I'm around you that happiness just grows.
Everyday, I see you.
Hear your voice.
I've never felt a greater happiness.
A single person has never made me happier.
You're my happy place.
Just thinking of all those moments with you.
No matter how long its been since they've occurred.
I can't help but smile.

I believe in many different things.
I believe there's a chance all myths could be true.
All stories could have happened.
I've seen enough to know there's miracles in the world.
So I always keep an open mind.
The idea of soul mates intrigued me.
I always wished for it to be true.
True that there's one person on this earth who you'll never love more.
Never know better.
But I was wary of it.
Never wanting to think about it enough that I convince myself that it exist or doesn't.
And then he came along.
Even before I actually knew him..
He stuck out to me.
Though it wasn't until months after we became friends that I realized.
Realized he was that one kid I could never get out of my head.
It had nothing to do with attraction.
He was just a random, nameless person.
But I couldn't forget him.
Once we were friends.
I fell hard.
Nobody understood,or cared for me like him.
I'd never known somebody so well.
I learned everything about him.
He knew just as much about me.
We became each others other halves.
Spent all our time at each others side.
Because that's where we felt the best.
The happiest.
I fell in a deeper love than ever thought possible.
Which is what I believe a soul mate does for you.
It's somebody who you love the most.
Know the best.
Nobody will ever trump that.
It doesn't have to be the person you're with.
Your husband or boyfriend.
You could never meet them.
It's simply just the one person in the world,
Who is your other half.
The person who makes you feel whole.

How does one sit there living in normalcy.
Once the heartbreak is over.
And you're no longer living in the love story of a lifetime.
A love story filled with dark minds and never ending friendship.
Where the commoner boy spends months comforting the princess.
Secretly winning her heart over.
Where they become bestfriends.
Become each other's entire worlds.
But don't believe they could make it work.
Don't believe because they live different lives.
Though get to a point where neither can deny it.
They've been in love with each other since the beginning.
All they want is each other.
So they find a way.
They make it work.
They are happy and in love.
They spend all of their moments together.
They have a stronger love than anyone could ever imagine.
But things happen.
It ends.
They end.
They were still happy.
They were still in love.
But they couldn't make it work.
Her dark mind,
Her depression and desire to die became too strong.
She snapped and he couldn't help her.
He struggled with his own darkness.
They began to conflict.
Their worlds were becoming to different to combine.
It was too hard to be together.
So it ended.
Their friendship soon after began to close too.
Their love begins to fade out.
Sometimes you find the one...
Find your soulmate.
The one who you know better than yourself.
Love more than you could ever imagine possible.
Yet circumstances cause it to end.
It has nothing to do with your love.
It's just not the right time.
So the love story ends.
It comes to a close.
Once the heartbreak is over.
You have to learn to live a normal life again.
A life without each other.

Why is it that the one person who I want to hold me...
Hold me in the moments that I want to die.
Is the same person that makes me want to die.
Want to die because I can't have him holding me.
It's irony at its best.

I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to be in love.
In a relationship with not just somebody who loved me.
But someone who was also my bestfriend.
Now here I am.
You're still my bestfriend.
I'm still in love with you.
But we're not together.
So I'm just constantly craving to hear it.
Yearning for you to say those three words again.
Desperate to hear you tell me
"I Love You"
I never knew how lucky I was.
Lucky to hear you tell me that.
For the person I love to show love back to me.
Now I'm constantly just desperate...
Desperate to not just know.
But to hear that you love me.
Desperate to hear such simple words.
It's like I'm starved for it.
Sometimes it's all I can think about.
All I want.
Is a simple...
"I Love You"

It's as simple as that.
It's never going to change.
I'm your "forever girl"
Remember?
I'm forever going to love you...

I wonder if he noticed.
Noticed what day it is.
My first thought when I saw it was
"Oh hey seven months"
But then I had to remind myself that it's not.
That were not...
So I wonder if he noticed that today was the 25th.
I wonder if for a second he forgot too.
Or if it didn't even phase him.
As though it was any other day.
Which I guess it is now.
Since we've agreed that all we are is friends.
Though he will never just be my friend.
And 25 will never go back to being just a number.
I wonder if he knows that also.
If he agrees.
Or if he's gone back to thinking of me as though we were never together

Yesterday I woke up in your arms.
Today I woke up 1000 miles away from you.
Is it to early to say that I miss you?
Is it even okay for me to say that I miss you?
Because I do.
I miss you a lot.
And I just kinda want to go back to yesterday morning.
When I was curled up with you completely.
When all I could feel was your skin on mine.
I kept waking up and bringing you closer.
Wishing for that moment to never end.
Until I woke up to leave.
Leaving you again, is torture for me.
Wether we are together or not.
I love you with everything in me and that will never change.

I found a note today.
It was stuck inside my old eyeshadow.
The one that use to stay at your house.
All it had was four little words scribbled on it.
Four little words that use to mean everything.
They stand for everything we once were.
Looking at these words.
Clear as day in your hand writing...
I can't stop myself from crying
All these memories now swarming my head.
The torture is overwhelming.

How the **** am I suppose to not be madly in love with you.
How am I suppose to sit next you and stop my hands from memorizing you.
How am I suppose to walk next you and not hold your hand.
How the **** am I suppose to talk to you without being overwhelmed by the urge to kiss you.
How am I supposed to speak with you and not flirt or say things that would make you blush till the days over.
How the **** am I suppose to not act like I'm in love with you.
I can't do it.
Especially with you still secretly looking at me how you do.
When you're secretly holding me and holding my hand when nobody's looking.
When you're just coming up and kissing me so quickly that nobody can notice.
How the **** do I stop treating you like I always have?!
Like I have since before we even dated to begin with.
**** this is to hard.
I'm always going to be in love with you...
How the **** am I suppose to do this!?

Everytime I go to write about the things that are hurting me the most...
I just end up crying hysterically

This mental pain is so intense.
Its driving me insane.
I'm losing all control.
Falling back into old crutches.
It's everything I can do to keep distracted from it all.
Yet everytime I allow myself to think for just one second.
All the pain swarms back.
It hurts so much I can't help but scream.
The mental pain is agonizing.
It cripples me.
All I can do is cry and shake uncontrollably.
This pain is killing me.
It hurts so much I can literally feel it through my entire body.
I hide it the best I can.
But as soon as I'm alone all I can do is scream and hope nobody hears me.

Moving on hurts worse than the heartbreak itself.
Though it's still the friendship that I miss the most.

I've never been happier than the moment that I met him.
I remember it perfectly.
Every single emotion that was coursing through me.
I remember how nervous and jittery I was to finally see him in person.
And then how just completely happy I was once it occurred.
Knowing that I was now able to reach out and touch him.
That I could lay next to him.
Being able to see and hear his laughter in person.
Such simple things...
Things that people take for granted.
But things that make me happier than any other.
I don't know how long it took me to fall in love.
Or what it took for me to fall in love.
All I know is that I have been in love with him for longer than I've ever realized.
We started out as best friends.
But every night I would stay up on face time with him.
I would stay up just so he had somebody there through all of his nightmares.
So he knew that he had somebody who cared.
So he knew that I loved him even though I wouldn't say it.

I don't know how to write about what broke me.
And no, losing him wasn't it.
That part of my heartache is simple to write about.
It's nothing compared to the other.
I had a miscarriage...
And no I didn't want a kid.
But I would rather have triplets than the feeling of losing it engraved in my head.
I felt it happen.
I felt my body giving up on the life it was creating.
I felt all the life in it drain away.
I felt it dying.
And there was nothing I could do but lay there.
As the life from it drained away, the life in me did also.
I can't let go of how it felt to feel something I was creating....
Give up hope.
I've never been in more pain.
It has crippled me.
But yes...
Not having him to hold my hand.
Not having him to support me...
Has made it so much harder.
But truthfully...
I'd be fine if I had never had to feel that.

The past year I have written poem after poem of how close I was to breaking.
To falling apart.
To dying inside.
And now that it happened.
I wish somebody had taken my warnings seriously.
A person can only take so much before cracking.
And I didn't just crack....
I shattered into thousands of pieces

I can literally play every single memory from our friendship through my mind.

I miss you so much!

I can't stop crying from how much it hurts to let all of this go.

You're my bestfriend! I miss your laughter mixing with mine.

But I know you want the goodbye...

I stay up all night.
Just wide awake.
And even though I barely slept last night.
Or the nights before.
I still can't sleep even if I tried.
I can't go to sleep without you by my side.
I can't go to sleep without hearing your voice.
I can't go to sleep without atleast saying goodnight and that I love you.
And since I can't sleep.
I stay awake all night long.
I stay awake until exhaustion takes over.
I stay awake until I'm so tired, it feels as though you're there.

You weren't just my boyfriend.
You weren't just my lover.
You were my bestfriend.
Through the hardest year of my life,
You stayed by me and held my hand.
And now.....
You're done with me.
On top of everything else going on.
I lost you.
My bestfriend.
And that's killing me so deeply inside

Every single night for weeks now.
I've cried my eyes out.
While mentally or physically screaming.
I can literally feel how shattered my heart is.
You would think I'd be starting to get better.
But as it gets worse I only get better at hiding it.
All that has happened has shattered me.
And I just want you to hold me till all the pieces go back together

Everywhere I turn
Everything I see
Every word I hear
Every touch I feel
No matter what I do
It all leads back to memories of you