You run around not sure where you belong,
Or how you fit into this world.
You run around surrounded by fear,
Trying to escape the crushing darkness that closes in.
However my darling there's no point to continue running.
I'm here.
Keeping the demons away with your every step.

And in that moment she saw her world shatter into thousands of pieces around her and she picked herself up out of the rubble, shook the remaining fragments out of her hair and walked away. Ready to start anew.

How is it that once my life becomes sane.
I become healthy.
I become happy.
It causes my writing to suffer.
The words evade me.
The poet in me comes to a halt.
It is something I can not understand.

A year ago today I was in complete hell. However, a year has passed and though the memories still makes my heart break. Today is becoming an amazing day.

Today's the day.
The day I've been dreading for a year now.
Today's the day I lost my baby.
The memory of it all is crushing.
I don't know how to think.
How to feel....
It's as though there's an overwhelming sense of sorrow suffocating me.
I don't know how I'm going to get through this day.
I never met you...
But I love you my shooting star.
R.I.P.  My Love

Welcome to Twenty-Sixteen.
Congratulations!
We all made it.
The year from hell is over.
I can finally step away.
Move on and forget it all.
Move on and move forward.
Create a new life for myself.
Create a new way to hold on to happiness.
Goodbye Twenty-Fifteen thanks for all the memories.
Some of them were pretty great.

I've come to know a beauty so amazing even this doesn't compare. Standing here with him, I stare only into his eyes.

You use to give me flowers atleast once a day. Now everyday I find myself sitting alone, picking off the petals. Does he love me? Does he not?

We spoke today.
First time since April.
You gave me a ride.
It was weird.
Awkward yet Comfortable.
We spoke on and off the entire time.
We were even laughing.
It was weird.
A good weird.
Simply because now I know.
Now I know I'm over you.
Simply speaking to you...
It gave me the closure I haven't been able to posses.
The closure I've craved for this past year.
So thanks for the ride babe.
But mostly...
Thanks for my new found freedom.
I'll always love you.
But now I'm positive that I don't want you.

They sit there across the room from each other in a comfortable yet unsettling silence.
She sitting on the bed looking at her anxiety bitten nails.
Him sitting at the desk enveloped by his phone.
Getting a moment of courage the girl looks up and asks a simple question.
"Do you miss it?"
Confused the boy looks up.
"Miss what?" He asks.
"Do you miss how it felt to be in love? Do you miss how it felt knowing we always had each other? Always had someone to turn to in the darkest of moments who would grab your hand, and steal you away. Force you into the light and do everything so you never have to go back to the black hole that tries to surround you. Do you miss what it felt like to be smiling the second you saw me or heard my voice? I miss those smiles. I miss how it feels."
Putting down his phone he moves across the empty bedroom and stares straight into her eyes.
"I try not to think about it, but in this moment... Now that I am thinking about it, I do. I miss what it felt like to hold you and watch all of our demons fade away."
"I wish there was a way for us to be in love again. I wish both of us hadn't blown all of our chances."
"So do I my ForeverGirl."
Closing her eyes she feels him sit down next to her and hold her one more time.
Opening them to look at her one love, she looks around in shock.

It's six am according to the alarm clock blaring next to her.
She's in bed alone...
As she always is now.
It was just a dream.
Turning the alarm off before falling back into bed.
She curls up into a ball and cries her way back to sleep.
Back to him.
Dreams being the only place she can feel his touch.
Hear his voice.
The boy she loves.
The boy who died a year ago.

It's four am.
The room is black except for the startling light coming from the TV.
Netflix playing one episode after another.
It's four am.
I'm wide awake.
Why am I wide awake?
No, wait...
I know why.
It's because my brain is on overdrive.
It's four am.
And like every other hour of the day...
Memories are  haunting me.

I can trace all of this back to one single moment.
Yet even if I could change that moment,
Change my past...
I still think I was always destined to meet him.
And I truly believe he would not have taken a liking to me had I been any different.
Though maybe he would have.
Maybe he would have stayed.
But would I have all this wisdom I do now.
The wisdom I use to help save those surrounding me had my story been different.
This is what I need to keep me going.
Focusing on not my pain but saving all those around me with the wisdom my pain has led me to carry.
The wisdom that has come from losing him and everything else in my life that has ended in catastrophe.

I was once asked what life is and I responded with the simple statement of "I am hungry."
In the simplest terms life consists of us all running around "hungry".
We hunger not just for food to nourish our bodies.
We hunger for air to fill our lungs.
We hunger for fame and fortune,
For the life we believe we deserve.
Our hunger.
Our want and desire is was fuels us everyday.
It is what creates the life that surrounds us.
Everyone is starving for something.
Nobody will stop until they get there.
No matter the consequences to themselves or the domino effect of consequences it creates around them.

I constantly find myself sitting here.
In a state between nostalgia and remorse.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
I find myself sitting here almost a full year later.
An entirely new cycle of memories having been made.
Yet I still find myself sitting here everyday.
The memories of the year prior playing like a movie on a never ending loop still have yet to leave my mind.
It's been almost a year since we've touched.
Since we've spoken.
So tell me why I can hear his voice perfectly as though he's right next to me.
Why can I feel his touch as though he is next to me.
His hand intertwined with mine.
I try to forget.
Though it never works....
They say time heals all wounds.
It's been almost a full year.
The pains never changed.
It's just as harsh and brutal.
The only thing that's changed, is that I've gotten use to it.
It's been almost a full year.
I still constantly find myself sitting here.
Feeling nothing but pain and the cold metal of the necklace he got me against my skin.

Winter is here and along with laughter and snowball fights come heartbreak and frozen tears.

January 1st
I woke up in bed next to you.
I had the flu.

January 5th
I wasn't sick anymore but I was so depressed.

January 7th
I called you crying hysterically.
By the end of the call...
You told me that you wanted a break.

January 9th*
We decided to wait till I went back to Texas for the break though not speak at all from when I left to when I came back.

January 11th
I realized I was pregnant.
I called my best friend asking for a pregnancy test and a cigeratte.
I had stopped smoking for you when we got together.

January 12th
I boarded a plane.
I was so sick.

January 13th
I couldn't eat without getting sick.

January 14th
I couldn't drink water without throwing up.
My mom told me she was divorcing my dad.
I laid in bed all night in pain mentally screaming/praying for my baby to be okay.

January 15th
I woke up and had miscarried.
I was approximently 3-4wks pregnant.
I almost killed myself that night.
I didn't because I knew it would **** the guy I loved.

I layed in bed for a week. Didn't have the energy to eat let alone speak. I became so frail. So thin.

January 25th
I realized we weren't getting back together.

February 1st
I relapsed on pills.

February 4th
I was back in town.
I stayed the night at your house so my mom could talk to my dad.
We hadn't spoke in weeks.
By the end of the night we were us again.
However, you were so different in general.

February 6th
I overdosed on pills.
You sat there next to me.
Crying your eyes out.
Pleading with me to stop.
You sounded so angry and you were shaking.
I could hear the fear in your voice.
See how much you loved me in your eyes.
I stopped without a thought to it.
I couldn't hurt you.

February 7th
I had to go back to Texas again.

February 14th
You accidentally said you were my Valentine.

February 15th
You asked me about getting back together.
You backed out.

Time passed we were bestfriends yet there was more.* I came back to town and you had a distance with me. After spring break I could feel you coming back to me.

April 18th
I was emotionally done.
I allowed myself to get manipulated.
I made the worst mistake.
I lost you.

April 19th
I tried to **** myself.
I chugged whiskey.
Then...
Chugged cleaning fluid.
It didn't work...

This entire year has been hell. All I think about is you and that baby. I still love you. I can't figure out how to get past this. Something in me has died. Died with that child. Died with losing you. Smiles aren't real. Happiness is pretend. It took me months to stop crying everyday. Yet I still find times where the tears won't stop coming. The pain is the only thing real. I just can't wait for this hellish year to be over.

Maybe then I can start new...

Ruby red lips.
Tear soaked cheeks.
Makeup smeared eyes.
Messy hair curtaining down.

No new reasons.
Just a broken heart that has never healed.
No new problem to be added to the list.
Just a list of problems that has yet been solved.
Breaks unable to mend.

I'm drowning in my own self loathing.
Dying in hatred.
Hatred of all my choices.
Including the choices I make to cope.

With my ruby red lips.
Tear soaked cheeks.
Makeup smeared eyes.
Messy hair curtaining down.

The wish of a bottle pressed to my lips.
The wish of a blade pressed to my skin.
The wish of a cigarette in my hand.
The wish of a pill resting on my tongue.
The wish to forget what it is I'm doing.

What I have done.
****...
What have I done?

I'm an artist in many ways.
I use a pen.
I use paint.
I use canvas.
I use a blade.
I use my body.
My masterpiece sometimes drips down my legs.
As I play tic tac toe on my thigh.

Why is the sight of blood dripping down my thigh so appealing?
Why do I love the burning of alcohol so much?
Why does a bottle of pills make me smile?
Why do I adore having a hazed mind.
Why does smoke flowing around me excite me?
Why are these habits so bad...
If they make me feel alive?
If they make me calm?
If they help me cope?

It's 3:36 am
I'm laying outside.
There's a half moon and stars scattered on a dark canvas above me.
Smoke rising in the air as I take another drag of what will invaitcably **** me.
I just can't help but wondering...
Will this winter be different?
Will the rest of my life be different?
Somehow am I going to let go of my destruction of a path?
Can I be the person I want to be.
Will I succeed?
Or...
Am I going to spiral back down into the darkness?
Like all the times before?

I have an overwhelming feeling to disappear.
However, not permenantly.
I want to drop all communication.
All socialization.
Until I'm not so scared.
I always disappear when I feel unwanted.
Then I come back once I've come to my sense.
I run away from my problems.
There's my confession of the day.
I run away.
I so terribly want to run.
Though I know that unwise.
I spiral into even darker mindsets when I'm alone.
I barely survive when I'm alone.
So why does disappearing...
Why does running...
Why does being alone sound so amazing?

When you spend so much time with fake smiles being displayed...
The real smiles begin to look like the fake ones.
That's the truly sad part about life.

Do you see that light?
The streak of sunshine peeking out of the stormy clouds..
That's what you have to remember.
There's always good in the midst of the bad.
There's always a reason to keep that smile upon your face.
There's always something there to keep that shine in your eyes.
To keep you alive.

Winters coming beware.
With every beautiful snowfall and toasty blanket to curl up with comes something to fear.
Winter brings darkness.
You become filled with depression and despair.
Life turns upside down as the new year is about to begin.
Tears get shed and hearts get broken as people try to make themselves anew.
Mistakes get made.
Pain gets spread.
All as winter comes.
Fate having its last evil spree before the warmth and sunshine coming back to play.
Beware of winter.
I'd suggest you flee.
Then maybe there will be some survivors.
I'll be back when the flowers begin to bloom once more.

I remember this day a year ago.
It was just as miserable.

Spent the day sick.
Nausea filling my hours.
Laying here now.
Music blaring.
Soaking in a steaming hot bath.
Tea in hand.
Fruit, Chocolate, and Gummy Bears by my side.
Candles lite in the distance.
I remember no matter how bad it gets.
How unpleasant you feel.
Life always has it peaceful moments to keep you sane.

I saw him today.
It didn't hurt anymore.
I wasn't sad at all.
I kind of just wished I could have said hi once last time.
Then continued on with my day.

Today I said goodbye.
I took my last pictures.
I blew a kiss of farewell to the bittersweet memories that this room,
that this house holds.

What is it that they say?
Faith, trust, and pixie dust is all you need to fly away.
All you need is to believe.
Did they ever wonder what about those kids who never trust.
Whose ability to have faith is diminished.
The kids who can't believe in anything anymore.
Did they ever wonder how they were supposed to fly?
How they are supposed to escape to such a magical place as Neverland?

And just like that the emotions swarm.
The anger piles up.
Tears falling down my face like a rain storm.
Shallow breathing.
In so much pain I feel as though numb.
What am I suppose to do?
What am I suppose to feel?
Will my misery ever diminish?
I don't know how much longer I can take this.
This constant cycle of never ending downs and very few ups.

Can you picture it.
How your life was this time last year.
Now think of your life now.
Would you have ever expected it to become this way.
Turn into what it is now.
If somebody had come and told you that this is how your life would develop.
Would you believe them?
Would you have called them insane?
I know I would have.
My life has become the exact opposite of what I'd expect.
It's extraordinary how life changes.

My heart thumps in my chest overloaded with adrenaline.
As a new found adventure begins.
The same story being told.
Yet, a different chapter being written.
Who knows how it will end.
However...
Isn't that the exciting part?

I think it's time to admit some things.

It's time to confess that I don't think I'm beautiful.
Beauty is not just physical.
It's about the mind and soul as well.
I've been told I'm attractive enough to confess it as true.
Yet, beauty I do not see.
I find myself disgusting.
Nobody beautiful could have ever done the things I have.
Could have lost the love of their life.

It's time to confess my sleepless nights are caused by him.
I can't sleep without somebody next to me.
Without pretending that he is holding me as he snores relentlessly.

It's time to confess I've started drinking again.
More like a lot of drinking again.
The alcoholic side of me is raging back out.
Because I can't handle my life.
I prefer the dulled version that burning drink creates.

It's time to confess I do feel emotions.
I feel so much that I am numb.
That I feel like I'm dying I'm so overwhelmed.
Yet it's not your average emotions I feel.

It's time to confess I don't feel affection.
I know I love my friends.
I know I love my family.
But it feels like a fabricated lie when I say it or even think it.
All I feel is pain.
Crushing.
Killing.
Pain.

It's time to confess that he is the only person I can say I love and believe it.

It's time to confess I have no desire for anyone because they're not him.
It's been months and nobody compares.
He is apart of me.
Everyone says I could have better.
Granted couldn't we all?
It's not about having the smartest, richest, hottest, sweetest guy.
It's about having the one who makes your heart melt.
The one who could never break you.

It's time to confess that I don't want to move on.
I have hope he will come back.
He will be him again.
Even if that won't be with me...
I just hope it will.

I confess I'm suffocating without him.
The pain is too much to bear.
I'm losing my ****.  

I confess that I lie to much to my family.
About partying and other not allowed things.
Hide to much from my friends.
Because I'm tired of how tired they are that all my problems revolve back to him.
Though I can't blame them.

I confess I'm still heartbroken over my baby.
And I hate my mom for cheating and divorcing my dad for a guy I only pretend to like.

I confess that I live every moment in the past.
Use my friends as a way to dull the pain I constantly feel.
Use them so I almost feel okay.
Yet I'm still even then stuck.
Being heartbroken by the good memories.
Feeling sick from the bad.

So there you have it.
My confessions of the day.

In the vibrant shine of my eyes.
I can see all the hope of my future.
All the passion I hold for art.
I can also see how lifeless they are.
How much they lack emotion, happiness, and love.

My bestfriend wanted to **** himself last night.
Drunk as **** he called me.  
Crying his eyes out as he rants.
Talking about wanting to die.
Begging I pleaded for him not to.
Yet he had no care for what I said.
Telling me he wanted to feel what it was like to cut.
Leaving his phone to go find a razor.
I ran the five minute walk to his house.
Rushing in, he throws the blade in shock.
Then fights me as I try to keep him from going and finding it.
Fights me as I try to stop him from getting another one.
Crying I beg him to stop cutting.
Beg him to stop as he slits his wrists open infront of me.
It was as though he had no care for me.
As though I was some stranger standing in his way of happiness.
He was a different person entirely.
Calling the only mom I trust.
She rushes over and we force him to get up and leave.
We were able to stop him.
Get him to talk.
Yet.
He is still so distance.
So different.
I'm scared to death...
Scared that I'm on the verge of losing my bestfriend.
The guy who got me sober.
Who has stopped me from cutting and more, countless times.
I can't survive without him.
I can't help but pray with everything in me.
That he will be okay.
That he will make it through.
I love him too much to lose him.
He's my bestfriend.
I'm scared to leave him alone.
I'm scared to overcrowd him.
I just want him safe.
I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I'm scared out of my mind.

Some days I wish I was normal.
That I wasn't plagued with all these problems.
The depression.
The anxiety.
The addiction.
Not to mention the physical disorders.
Somedays I wish I felt whole.
That I had the ability to feel love again.
Feel true emotions at all.
I feel almost good somedays.
I feel anger occasionally.
Normally it's just a crushing feeling of dread.
I wish I was normal.
Maybe then I wouldn't have made all those bad choices.
Wouldn't be as rebellious as I am.
Maybe then I would still have all the things I've ended up losing.
But then...
I have to remind myself that if I was any form of normal...
I wouldn't have all of the things I do.
I wouldn't have been able to make my favorite memories.
I wouldn't have the friends that I adore.
The wisdom my life has created.
I wouldn't be me.
I may not be normal.
I may not feel whole.
But I am, who I am.
I think it's finally time to embrace it.
Finally time to start learning to love myself again.

Take me back to the old days.
The days of eight people squeezing into one booth.
The days of random free food.
The days of pilling people into a car and blaring music.
Having silently parties while my parents were asleep.
Random night walks.
Random night drives.
Unplanned trips to the mall.
Spending hours just sitting in a room.
All of us pilled in to one apartment.
Getting the text from mom telling us she's making dinner and everyone comes running.
Take me back to the old days.
I miss it.

You inform me that cigarettes will **** me.
They'll destroy my lungs.
Give me cancer.
That each cigarette shortens my life.
That with each drag I'm killing myself.
That it's not healthy.
Yet.
Don't you think I know all of this too.
You're definitely not the first to inform me either.
So don't you think that I don't care.
I don't care if it kills me.
Maybe I want to die.
Maybe I hope it kills me.
Because....
I would never end my life myself.
I couldn't.
I could never put my family through that.
So yes I know this next drag will shorten my life.
This next cigarette could collapse my lungs.
But I welcome it.
I wish it.
I can't stand living here.
So please.
Let me smoke this pack in peace.
I can't wait for the consequences to occur already.

It happened again last night.
I was outside.
The stars searing through the sky.
On the verge of tears.
Missing him.
Wishing for my baby.
The family I almost possessed.
On the verge of tears.
Thoughts pounding through my head.
Getting lower and lower by the second.
Until it happened.
A shooting star spread through the sky.
Just like that one time before.
Telling me that it will all be okay.
To smile and wish.
Not fall apart in the past.

There you are.
Hundreds of miles away from me.
Yet when I hear your voice through my phone.
It feels as you are right next to me.
I think of you laying next to me.
Holding me as I sleep.
And I can feel every curve of you against me as though you are really there.
Oh how I love our midnight talks.
Confessing every detail of ourselves.
Telling things no one else knows.
And though I love it.
I would do anything for you to really be here.
I don't know how to live without you next to me.
You are my everything.
My other half.
My wish upon a shooting star.
You are the dream non compare to.
If only I could see you.
Hug you for one moment.
I know my world would be okay.
I know my smile would finally shine.
I can't wait to see you.
Finally be able to hold you.
And kiss that smile I love so much.
Be able to look into the eyes that hypnotize me.
Oh how I miss you.
How I love you.
I can't wait till I can finally see you.
It's so close to the time.
We're months away.
Weeks away.
Days away.
Moments away.
And now we're here.
With you sitting next to me.

I don't often write happy poetry.
I'm not one for sunshine,
And rainbows.
My poetry is normally full of sorrow, anger, and heartbreak.
Yet.
My life has become overrun with joy.
The past few days have been extraordinary.
I haven't smiled so brightly in what feels like lifetimes.
I haven't truly experienced laughter in months.
I'm home.
I'm back in the arms of my family.
So here is my happy poem.
Enjoy it.
They are very rare.
I'm home.
I finally feel more than okay.
Depression and anxiety being pushed away.
Because I'm laying here with my friends.
With my family.

Today's the day.
Today's the day I go home.
Today's the day I see them again.
I see my friends.
I see my family.
I should be so happy.
I just can't get over this overwhelming fear.
What will happen...
What will happen when I see him again?

There's this girl who want to be with me.
And I use to want to be with her so badly.
There's this guy who is inlove with me and wants a second chance.
I use to want a new chance with him so much.
There's all these people I am finding.
That just want to be with me.
Who I would be with.
Yet...
Because of him.
I can't.
I never will.
My heart still belongs to him.
Why won't this madness end.
Why must I still love him.
Does true love actually exist.
Or am I eternally ******* by heartbreak.

A group of teenagers piled together.
A group of guys and one girl.
The best friends of a lifetime.
They her bothers.
She their sister.
They are each others family.
A group of teenagers piled together.
Six people, one couch.
Laps being sat upon.
Voices intermingling.
Laughs being shared.
Arms around one another.
Smiling in all the pictures.
Happy for a single moment just because they're all together.
All their anger,
All their sadness of the world.
Hidden in the background.
Distracted by the help of friends.
The care they have for one another.
The feeling of home.
The feeling of belonging.
The feeling of family they hold in each other.
A group of teenagers piled together.
Six people, one car.
Crowed in.
Practically on top of the other.
Singing at the top of their lungs.
Dancing in the little room they have.
Windows down with the wind pouring in.
Driving with no destination in mind.

A group of teenagers piled together.
Four people, sitting in a room.
Voices still intermingling.
Laughs still being shared.
Yet something is missing.
*Something that nobody is saying.

I don't know what it is like to raise a child.
I praise all who have.
I lost my child.
I miscarried and lost the ability to ever hold that baby.
Ever look into their eyes.
See their smile.
Hear their laugh.

I do know what it's like to fear for your child.
Scream with everything in you for that baby to be safe and healthy.

I know what it's like to love your child.
Love them so much it redefines your understanding of love.

I know what it's like to know that you're creating a life.
That you'd do anything to protect that life.
You would give your own life for their safety.

I never had the chance to meet my child.
Though I felt that baby inside of me.
I feed that baby.
I loved with everything inside of me.
I would have given my own life for theirs.
So their eyes could meet the world.

I never had my baby.
Yet, that baby changed my entire life.
Changed the way I loved.  
The way I saw the world.
The way I looked at life.
Even though the time I had it, was short.
The time I knew I had it, even shorter.

I understand now that all parents do everything out of fear and love.
Anxiety over their child being hurt.
Going through the hardships they did.
Because they want their world to be bright and happy.
Filled with love.
So take a moment and be thankful for your parents.
Their love for you is one none can describe.

I loved my baby.
In a way no words will ever explain.

Did he really know me.
Did he know the way I pulled my hair from its ponytail.
The way I knew how he fixed his.
Did he know when I was upset without showing.
As I did with him.
Did he want to know my family.
The places I grew up.
The way I knew his family.
The way I wanted to see where he once lived.
Did he truly know me.
The way I knew him.
Loved me.
The way I loved him.
If he did know me better.
Would he have stayed.
Or left sooner.
If he did know me like I thought.
Is that why he stayed as long as he did.
Did he leave just because he forgot.
He forgot who I am.
We hit a rough patch.
I forgot who I was.
He must have too.

Rain pouring down on an old roof.
Thunder roaring through the sky.
Lightning streaking past.
Wind swayed trees.
Soaking wet clothes.
Water glistening hair.
Then there's her.
Dancing without a care in the world.