If you think I cannot be like the boy who loves the burn of his favorite whiskey
and grabs a pretty girl around the waist
twirling her and whispering in her ear
lovely lies.
And when they get back to his apartment
and fall on the bed
where he keeps a tattered notebook
and a pack of cigarettes under.
The one who has bright dead eyes
begging you to fall in
and then capturing you in their depths
and making you claw your way out,
defeated.
Even though its easier to stay,
among the sorrow there
and the hurt
and the hate
that he covers up so well
making it easier to stumble into
unknowingly into the depths
falling deeper
and deeper,
like Alice down the rabbit hole.
And you'll want to stay.
He'll watch you reach for his hand
and he'll grab the bottle instead.
You'll reach for him amongst the blankets
and he'll reach for a cigarette.
He'll watch you fall asleep
the way you breathe;
reaching a hand to play with a strand of your hair
but then pull away.
Not allowing himself
and leaving you to go walk the streets
aimlessly,
coming back at dawn
finding her there
knowing she wants to stay
and hold you
and fix you
and you will make her leave.
Because you are gone beyond repair
and her heart is full of love,
and yours is not.
You will not let her in its crushed blackness
because you wouldn't wish that on anyone.
She will leave
and he will drink
until his eyes lose focus
and his hands shake.
He will do the same thing all over again,
catch the attention of a girl with golden hair
and stormy eyes.
Torturing himself even more
because he knows she looks like her.
The one he broke.
The one he let in.
The one whose eyes now resembles his.
The one who does the exact thing he does
every night.
So do not think I cannot be like him.
Because I have learned from the best.

You were down by the river
wearing a old vintage dress
hanging off your body
baring your shoulders and collarbones
that swayed in the wind
like your long wavy hair.
Oh how I longed to push it behind your ears
and see you look up at me
with a storm in your eyes
and a rosy blush portrayed along your soft cheeks.
You softly hummed a melody
without even realizing it.
You finally looked up and noticed me staring at you,
A huge smile threatened to reach your eyes.
But even I couldn't do that, yet.
You blushed when you realized
I was staring at you;
quickly fixing your hair that blew around your face
and your summer dress.
You looked down when I reached you
and I couldn't hold back any longer
and pulled you hard against me
your body crushing into mine
you smelled like wind and flowers
and rain.
I breathed you in,
my face pressed against your neck
your soft hair hiding my face
all I could feel was how your body
fell against mine
and your soft hair tickling my face
and my lips against your neck.
I pulled back
and kissed you with all I had, and you kissed back.
Then I woke up.

I have this feeling inside me that i cannot put into words.
I can put into words the way you smelled
and i can put into words the way i love writing with pens and stroking's with paint brushes
and i can put into words my love for the moon.
But i can't describe this feeling and so you can't relate.
But the thing is,
i don't want any one to relate.

Is your favorite night to drink a whole bottle of whiskey
in your white t shirt and boxers
on a sunday night
because your daddy always drank after church
and your mom always wore his clothes around the house
because it's a quiet night
most asleep in the dead of night
while your strumming the piano keys
and taking a drag
remembering how many times you played as a child on these keys
your old dog fast asleep to the beat
one so familiar
the one your mom hummed you to sleep with every sunday night
and your dog would curl up at your feet,
that was peace.
Now they're gone and your trying to die
With every breathe
of that cigarette
with every gulp of that Jack Daniels
with every crack in your soul from cracking piano keys,
playing them too hard,
playing your hands to the bone.
You are dying,
and they are gone.

Love poisoned me
It made my hands shake
and my head ache
and my hands twitch for a lover who wasn't there
and my stomach feel like the ocean
and my head was filled with love letters and stolen kisses
and it made me stay up late waiting for a tap on my window that would never come
it made me weak
because when i looked in your eyes
my breath would become fast
and i'd lose my concept of time
and when you left
i would lose weight
and i would lose sleep
and i would lose sanity
and love would tear me apart from the inside out
as soon as i tasted your lips
and so as you ran your fingertips along my spine
and soon as i heard you breathe my name in the dead of night
because your lips were poisonous along with your finger tips
and your voice was a drug
and what we had slowly killed me,
like poison in my tea every morning.

On my roof
with a cigarette
the night wind
comforting me again
the warm burn of the cigarette touches my lips
i stare at the stars
and for a second i lose myself.
Your hypnotizing voice brings my back
you grab my hand
as we lay side by side
chain smoking
feeling alive.
You grab a strand of my hair
that the breeze blew your way
and run your fingers along.
I lay there
feeling your touch
smelling you
your electric
smoky
enticing smell.
You pull me on top of you
as soon as i finish smoking
and you say i'm like a forest fire
i burn with a fire so bright it lite's up my eyes,
my soul.
I destroy
but only myself
for i am the forest and the fire
smoke
wind
earth
fire.
You say i'm dangerous to be infatuated with.
"You can get lost
trying to navigate
through your mind
along your skin,
that is the forest floor.
And then you'll be trapped
when the fire starts ablaze
and you won't try to run
because you will be distracted by your beautiful burning light
and your beautiful burning forest
your beautiful burning skin.
You won't even feel the burn.
All you will feel is your body pressed against your own
and your hair tickling my skin
like flames
and your burning fingertips brushing along my body
making me feel alive
and your lips softly brushing against mine
like the leaves of a tree."
He stops and looks up at me,
"but i will stand in the flames and i will hold you
because i am not afraid to be burned,
not if it's by you."
"But what if i burn out? When there is no forest left,
when the flames are gone
when there is no heat
only my cold beating heart."
He smiled and kissed my forehead
"then i will watch you grow new tree's
and if you can't
i will plant seeds
a whole new forest will grow,
and then i will give you a match."

Cut me open and i bleed ink
break my bones and they turn to dust
steal my breath with a quick gun shot to the heart
and my rip cage with break open with flowers
watered from the wound
leave me alone
and bleeding
because its not any different
from the nights i spent in my room
on the floor
clutching a bottle of whiskey
bleeding on the inside
its no different
just this time
you actually cared to notice
because you didn't have to look hard
my white shirt was now red
and my hands shook a little harder than usual.
This isn't any more pain
then feeling alone
and empty
and having to force a smile
at the dinner table
forcing yourself to make conversation
forcing yourself to get up from your bed  
when you hear your mom call dinner.
This pain you just can't describe as well
because although you've felt like every breath hurt
and your chest had a huge gaping hole
and your head screamed like it was splitting open
and your body shook.
But you don't have to describe this pain
because although it feels the same
you trying to breath does hurt because your heart doesn't want to work with a hole there
one you can see
and your head did split open form falling to the ground
and your body is shaking because your cold
so cold.
The pain on the inside would still be worse.
Even without having a bullet finding a place to stay in your chest.
And no one noticed.
But i can't blame them,
because my shirt is still white
and my hands are only shaking from not eating all day
and too many cigarettes
and i have a headache from lack of sleep
or from the lights on this city street i'm walking.
But hey, at least i'm still alive.. right?
For now at least.
Maybe i will walk this dark alley.