You, you out there somewhere the universe, we met so beautifully on new year’s eve ,me and my friends were dancing ,you were standing lonely in the corner like a little boy just waiting for invitation, your taller than most guys and your smile lit my night on fireworks, I didn’t hope for anything, nothing at all, and with 20 seconds of insane courage, dragged my friend to the spot where you were standing, and over the loud music, and condescending adults and holding a basket of hope close to my heart asked, with my best smile in my red sweater, “wanna come and dance” a moment of boldness for a girl who has always been shy and reserved, you smiled that thousand watt bulb smile and came with us, danced next to me, hesitating, not knowing much steps, a little shy, I liked you.

The DJ was ****, and kept playing songs that I didn’t like,and my friends kept pushing me towards you, you seemed like sun that night and I kept orbiting around you, we taught you a few steps and I smiled at you and kept assuring you that you were doing fine, we quit dancing for a while and went our separate ways, after the countdown , I went up to you wished you a happy new year, I wasn’t hoping for anything, but you held you your hand out and your eyes shined brighter than pole star, and my heart stood a little taller.

I drink gallons of chicken soup bowl after bowl, trying to hold off tears, and wishing I had a typewriter, as the noise of typewriter keys sound so angry like the beats of my heart.

After a little while, a little while after dinner my friend pushed me out of comfort zone, blackmailed, forced me to go talk to you, and I thought what the heck, what do I have to lose, David is miles away, not knowing how much I miss him.

So I went up, ”hey, um I didn’t catch your name earlier “and there it went ,a start to the most amazing 2 hours, and we got talking and talking, and I held my heart on my sleeve, broke my shell, stepping into this danger zone of actually liking you, you told me about the university you go to, and your love for Christmas and how sports is your life, I told you how much I hated the people of my school and how December Is my favorite month and how my hand eye coordination is as bad as your dancing.

We laughed and laughed, and you offered me your Chocó-chip ice-cream, which you so dearly love, and I refused, told you ‘I’ll go get myself some later” we beamed talking about our addiction to chocolate, you asked for my phone number and since we lived so nearby  ,I suggested that we should hang out sometime and you excitedly said definitely and let’s eat dimsums, and  I don’t think I remember being this happy in a long time, my friends hogged around me and kept asking what happened, I looked at you ,little embarrassed , and you laughed understanding, then shrugging it off, later  when it got a little awkward as all the adults were staring as us, I left and went up to my friends who were in a middle of photo session.

I couldn’t say bye to you, I never got to know when you left.

There are words in my head
and the words make sentences
and the sentences make paragraphs
and then the paragraphs form stories that
are incoherent and jumbled like aphasia and
I'm drunk with this pain because there are too
many words too many words too many words and

my heart is so thirsty

my mind is so quiet

my hands are so still

Anxiety.
It's like a big wave that crashes over you.
It drowns you almost.
It's like being drowned.
You can hold your breath at first.
You can act like your fine.
But then it builds.
And builds.
And builds.
Until you break and you can't breathe.
Your gasping for air but you don't get any.
You can't hear.
Only muffled screams.
Telling you to calm down.
But you can't.
You have no control.
None.
Zero.
Zippo.
Zilch.
~m.a

Why am I so sad all the time?
It creeps up on me at the strangest times.
I could be just sitting in bed,
and then two minutes later I’m posed with the razor at my wrist.
It comes on me like a creature in the night;
I never see it approach, but as soon as I feel it,
I think “How could it have been anything else?”
I never know why it happens when it does,
I only ever know when I’m in the middle of the storm.
Except the storm is only raging in my head.
It’s so hard to ask for a life preserver when no one can see you’re drowning.
I try so hard to be a normal one.
Somehow, it always shines through the cracks,
then everyone gets to see the madness within me.
They all say I need help,
but I need them to hear that the voices screaming in my head are their own.
I don’t think any of them truly understand
what it’s like having voices yell the most heinous things at me all day.
But the worst part isn’t what the voices say,
those are my own words anyway,
no the worst part it that the voices are those of my should-be champions;
my best friends, my sisters, my brother, my father, and my mother.
Their imaginary words cut deeper than the blades
because I always wonder if these are the things they think about me in their own heads.
Do they think that I’m as fat as they tell me in my head?
Do they see every flaw in my face as I do?
Do they really disregard me as useless as I know I am?
Do they want me dead like I do?

I hope
That this year,
All will become clear
And I will discover
What I am
Meant to be doing here.

No more confusion,
Less doubt,
No rage to let out;
I really don't want
To get upset
Or to shout.

Twelve brilliant months
Would be absolute bliss,
I think we all desire this.
So I hope and
Plan to make
Some memories that I will miss.

With every year
That we depart,
We receive a new, fresh start.
Stay true to yourself,
Have some laughs and
Remember to always follow your heart.

I feel a train approaching
Headed straight for my soul
A tiger ready to pounce
And rip it bare to shreds,
Well whatever remains i suppose.

Sadly I know the origin well
Of these worries of terror
And it's all my fault.
I really hate myself sometimes,
For the things I need of her.

I'm sorry
I just need someone there
I don't seem the same now as I was before
But deep down i promise I'm still here
It's just hard sometimes to see that you care.

It's not your fault at all
No you were unaware of the scratches
That lie beneath the surface
Of a painted door
With tampered latches.

I know we're not perfect
That's not of my intention
I want to fall in love
With you
And all of your imperfections.

Forgive me for being weak
And having issues greater than you expected
But if there was any a hope
For me to truly love you
You needed to understand the ways I'm affected.

So if this ends for my actions
And you no longer can handle me
I will understand
And let you go as you wish
Only pondering on all I hoped we could be.

These things we wear,
sometimes feel like contraptions.
Restricting freedom but
providing protection.
So many ways and styles,
the possibilities are endless.
Through heat and cold
always an accessory,
even if they are not on our feet.
They go everywhere with us,
seeing even what we do not.