A virtual prisoner
I am at times
to those demons trapped inside
my creative mind.

They claw,
they scratch,
they beg,
they whisper to me at night,
driving me to madness,
to the very brink
of my sanity.

I do not seek pity,
I need an escape,
a deliverance,
to find the right words,
to get these feelings out of me
before they get locked within
forever.

I haven't been the man you've fell for over and over again. The truth is, I just want you to be proud of me again. I'm not sure what to fix or where to go. I don't like my face anymore. I hate the way my body looks and I can tell you do too. I used to feel your eyes on me at all times and now I can feel how hard it is for you to look at me and pretend that I'm something. A simple two days ago I was afraid to die. I threw away my nicotine because I was scared that it would take me from you sooner. I didn't realize at that time you were already gone. So I bought myself a new pack today because I want to be taken sooner. I can't really leave this basement right now. The ironic thing is I hate being alone, and I really hate basements, but I feel if I surround myself with the things that hurt me then maybe my heart will change the subject for a while. I remember at these times more than any, the people that have told me they've lost everything and I remember the sympathy I had for them. Never did I imagine what it really felt like to lose everything. To not have a single person believe in you anymore. Never could they imagine what this feels like. I can't stop crying, but this is different. I've been staring at a white wall with a blank expression, because it seems fitting. And the tears just invite themselves. There's no longer that curve on my face. You know, the one that only you can see.  I don't believe in me, because I'm a follower. I don't want to be the outcast. I want to blend in so badly, so that when I'm no longer here it won't make a difference. Regardless, it won't make a difference. But it can't hurt to pretend.

Do you remember the sleepless nights?
When we could talk forever.
When we were focused on the small things, like
homework and sports practices.
When we thought the night would never end.

Do you remember the words you said?
Of love.
Of getting married.
Of spending the rest of our lives together.

Do you remember the moments?
In the woods, dancing under the tree in the rain.
On that rollercoaster in six flags, kissing, while our bodies got flung around on the ride.
Or the car crash, when both of us were scared beyond control.

Do you remember it all?
Because I remember every moment.
I remember every word.
And I remember every feeling.

If only I could know that you felt it too.

I spent many days and nights sitting a wake in the darkness of night.trying to under stand why you hate me so much.her hurtful words cut deeper every time I can bear it.the only time that I am free is in my dreams where no one can hurt me.how I long to stay there never coming back.

Is everything she said true?.
Dose everyone hate me?.
Am I better off running away?.
Will I be alone forever?.

My mum held me when I would cry and say don't listen to nasty people.you remind them of everything they can never be.when they came to see my mum I locked my self away in my room.a knock on my door covering my ears so I hear nothing.again more hurtful words where said such as.

You have no uncles or anuts that care.
Your where not more than a mistake.
Your everything that is wronng with this world.
You should fade away.

My mum protected me from them the best she could for me there was no escape.i feel so lost and alone no one can save me from this nightmare.i can not wake from this dream only because it is so real.their nagging voices still ring in my head over and over.a hug would ease my pain for a while.

I am not a mistake.
Everyone loves me.
I won't run away thats what cowards do.
I am strong.
I am beautiful.

When I look at your lifes people talk and laugh because your the joke.no one is scare of you any more age is not on your side.nothing you say hurts anymore.we all see the kind of people that you are.cold sad lonely people who no one likes or cares about.your just jealous and I feel sorry you you'll have someone yo love you.

This boy was one of a kind. I knew he was the love of my life, but I was afraid I wasn’t the only one sharing the same belief. As I said, he was the one of a kind, special in the natural and comforting way he made You feel around him. He was too humble for the talents he had and way too smart for the beauty he owned.
 I couldn’t always guess what he felt when he played his music, but I could always know when he felt sad. He didn’t talk much, but he enjoyed writing little stories about other people, capturing them as they were. I believe he knew much more about them then they knew about themselves.
I didn’t always know what his purpose was, but somehow he was amazingly sure in his uncertainty. I wished I could see the world with his eyes, I wished I could look to the people as he did. In his eyes You could see the reflection of the world’s loveliness. He always found a way to surprise me, either with the things he knew, could or have done. He knew exactly how to touch your soul, or at least he knew how to reach mine, and as he was the only person able to do this I knew that he was special and made for the greatest things.

Sometimes I feared I loved him enough to die of pain of belonging.  I couldn’t stand the thought of life without him or of life with different him.  I couldn’t stand the pain of being close enough to feel the envy of losing him for something else and I knew I simply couldn’t live without that pain either. But I was happy though.  I was extremely fortunate as he loved me and I loved him back like nothing else in the world. I wouldn’t trade any moment with me lying on his chest, kissing my forehead, touching my hair for anything in the world. He was simply the sweetest thing and the aim of all my actions.
I wished for the long and happy life with him as I was sure everything would turn out to be wonderful in his hands. He was the first boy who made me dream of getting married and I loved him dearly, praying to God every single night to keep him from danger and misfortune.

Still I lost him.

I have felt I was going crazy in madness of late hour, noises and images were blurred, my actions automatic. I was living, but I wasn’t alive, all my will was gone, his absence was unbearable. Nothing was ever going to make any sense. I was lost without him for ever.