I’ve never been called the beautiful one

One look at me

I’m out of their mind

Away from their sight

Even with ladylike and gentle gestures

I remain in the darkness

Nothing special

Easily forgotten

I’ve been taught

By people’s actions and words

The one thing I lack

I try to make up for in personality

But experience has taught me well

Really, it is simple

Without beauty life is difficult

Your eyes were key holes, I never really tried to pick the lock
All I did was peer through to see what was inside of you,
and this was always more than enough.
I imagine I see you every time I leave my house
When my mind plays these tricks she also fills my lungs with ice water
and lights a match underneath my palms
But I haven't seen my reflection in your eyes since the night you made me cry
and yet I still feel your strong arms pulling me towards you
while your breath on my forehead whispers goodbye
My tears still revisit the same trail they took
On the night when all I could do was look into your eyes and cry.

the oceans have been speaking your name while i've rested in their embrace
lately you are not inside my heart as much as you are inside my veins
and i promise you the innocent memory of your shallow breaths will never leave here again
i am afraid of the creatures under my skin and the desire for my lips to echo sins
the fear creates illusions of its own and lets my demons leave their trails
on my tongue and in my heart
walls and broken glass will only do so much good
but those with a threshold for such deathless affliction shall always prevail
widened eyes widened sight and widened perception of what is what isn't and what must be
and you've proven these truths a million times
i've needed the sun here to repent
and shine light on what i've kept in the dark for so long
but i've realized that your eyes embed sunrises into the shadows of my being
and that your lips speak of enlightenment that i do not dare question
i've tested your endurance more than once
and every time you've proved that you will remain by my side
you said that i've been wounded but that i have not passed the point of mortality
and i've said it's felt this way for however long i can remember
and i've said my wrists have shown my stories and left the tribulations i've suffered
on my skin for you to read
and you kissed them clean
and lifted the weights they held
and in that moment i swear that i realized i've never felt so pure
as much as i have
with you

Love looks so good on you, it gives you a glow I had never seen before. A spark in your eye that looks as if it is able to ignite a flame that could burn down the entire forest we used to walk through together. Now I kind of wish it would so I could sit back and watch then dance upon the ashes the way we used to dance whenever we heard a slow song. I fell for your smile and was willing to break my back just to feel it against my lips, but now all I see is it pressed to his and all the sudden the only thing breaking is my heart. The pieces lay scattered around me as I sit in the same spot I used to lay reading the notes we would trade back and forth. Surrounded by the words you wrote upon the old folded up papers from the day we met to the day you left. Now all that are left of those words are the ashes from the flame we once had. The knives you covered with venom before slashing me with are now the very same knives I have to resist using upon myself day after day. Our song playing on the radio used to make me fly higher the clouds we would watch laying upon the hill together. Today the lyrics are more like an alarm clock ringing right in the best part of my favorite dream, no matter how hard I try I can't ignore it and it automatically crushes my mood. I hate to admit it but looking back I suppose my friends were right, you were never good for me, you were the poison when I thought you were my antidote. You still course through my veins though, maybe that's why no matter how hard I try and no matter how far I run you stick right there in the back of my mind slowly driving me closer to the edge of insanity. The line between the truth and an absolute lie is so thin with you that I don't know if you ever actually cared or if I was just your pawn in the game of chess you continually played to get him back. No hard feelings though right, we both walked away with something from the hell we called us, you got him and I got the knowledge that I should never trust another person as completely as I trusted you. They say the best things in life are free and maybe it should've been a sign when no matter where we were or what we were doing you wanted money for something. I wish nothing but the best for you even after all this time and energy you stole from me. Whether you ever actually cared about me or not, its no secret that I truly did love you. Hell somewhere in the scorched remains of what you left of my heart I probably still do. Love never dies even when it makes you wish you could. One day I'll love again and when I do no matter how badly I wish I could say I hope she'll remind me nothing of you I can't because not everything about you was bad. The way you showed a passion for what you cared about, the fire I felt from your soul and the way you gave your all to others even when they didn't deserve it. It inspired me, made me want to become a better person and change the way I was living. Ironically you may have saved me, pulled me out of the way of the bullet, just to take the gun and bash me over the head with it. I guess what I'm saying is I never want to see you hurt the way you made me hurt, but I also never want you to come back around because if you do I don't know if I could resist the fire in your eyes, kiss and touch, and I've been burnt by you enough.

I am the lust of the universe
longing to know itself

I am the thoughts like a cascading stream
water pummeling the rock of my soul
molding, shaping, forming, conforming

I am the peace of the bamboo forest
a society of shoots
shades of green solitude
standing together, clunking hollow,
serene, transfixing parallel angles, mesmerizing
obscuring the gaze beyond, reflecting within
drops drip and fall with a shake

I am the child throwing sand into the ocean,
jumping from the rushing water
challenging fate with a raised fist and a laugh to do his worst

I am the dancer in the waves
lifted by the tides
pirouetting in the current

I am the red stone cliff on the sea shore
sovereign stratum carved
growing with green, lush yet hard

I am the buttressed black lava rock
standing in the water, remote and mysterious
accepting time and erosion, jagged

I am the new sun rising red
arising from the mountain mist swirling on the ocean
ascending from the clouded horizon
a grand illusion of motion, perception, the seer

I am the beach wood
fallen from the trees standing
as sentinels to the ebb and flow
laughing in silence with the wind and the sound of tides whooshing

I am the surfer
riding the energy of the earth
slicing across the liquid wall face

I am the flag of men
unifying and dividing

I am the sand welcoming water and feet
soft as creamy butter

I am the mother and the son
replenishing, trailing, following, playing, watching
sharing belly buttons

I am the butterfly gliding on the Kona wind
wandering immortal

it begins crisper than november,
still, chilly, ice blue sky,
then warm, then cold, then crazy frigid,
wind cat-yowling,
and on the windows,
frost feathers that do not melt all day.

the solstice sun creeps warily
across the south horizon,
glancing brilliant off frost-sheathed trees,
so cold the very air is frozen--
sparkling ice crystals float rainbow colored
like dizziness before my eyes.

Christmas eve starts grey and windy--
rain at two and snow at three--
the huge flakes my mom called "horsebirds".
And just at sunset, a patch of blue,
a sky tunnel for those tiny reindeer.

Christmas morning, four together,
first time in years we all are here:
Best-Beloved, sad eyed lady,
   maker of donuts and hi-test coffee,
      sings a bit, weeps, smiles;
the Exile returns, hoodied, shy smiling,
   coffee in hands, and heart full of plans;
and Carborundum Starshine bursts in the door,
   in corduroy & goofy hat,
     Paul Bunyan beard & glitter cheeks;
and  i
   am here.
Talk and cookies, hugs and pictures,
   Merry merry, the peace-pipe passed,
      carols on the radio,
the scents of spruce and tangerines.

the "week between" a roller coaster,
t-shirts one day, parkas the next,
wind that moans like Marley's ghost,
and snow tornados  on the road.

new year's eve and big soft snowflakes,
sparkling lights and laughing shouts--
on the street, drunken kisses and auld lang syne--

but not for me, i listen only;
there's work tomorrow, quick to bed,
a brief flight,
   all-night jazz    
     and sleep.

time tomorrow to begin again.

(1-1-14)

Cans of fresh Bear, stockings of the last line: arctic affair;
blue, white, a hint of green and grey.
  Marbles rolling off cool ice infinity.
Fellows, the pillows petals fall as marshmallows to our ******* mouths;
devotion to the holy ****
the holy sacrament:
arctic affair...