What the ****
Seriously
Why is pain such a reacuring memory

For me
Yes, i am me
And I am an addict
44 percent I think
(The number always fluctuates  depending on the situation)
I got cocky that's got to be it  
A new career
And some time in my pocket
And now I'm laying here
Black pupils so large
I need an exorcism

One day to recover until class
One ******* day

At least procrastination
Will be something I excel at
Oh and *******

All abilities of reality begin to intersect
Confusion, disillusion
Distort the dialect
Feelings, there's nothing left
Except a needle in my arm
Or a bullet in my chest
I would aim for my brain
But I fear there's nothing left

Hallucinations of all three
Auditory, tactile, and visually seen
A ******* of your fabrication
Lies and deceitful dreams
Your content torture is Mimicking
A hell with no heaven to be seen

It's funny to think
My thoughts are in my control
Not constantly manipulated
By deaths outward pull
Every new idea from the first to the last
Has already been thought out
By a being from the past

Got an inspiration to change
Stuck in a time loop
I'm still the same
Bottom of the ocean incased in cement shoes
Can't breath can't see without you
The pressure is crushing me
And the obsession for the truth
Clarity is barely see through

Seems like sleep deprivation
Comes answers to my frustrations
But when I pass out
those answers become my creations
These intense six sense hallucinations
Are my writing on the wall abreviations
But to others its invisible ink
With black lights as eyes
I see in between the sheets
They say ones stains is another's masterpiece

So try to walk a mile in my shoes
Looking down
I don't know who these belong to
Codependent mind keeps me alone
Schizophrenic mind keeps me ******
Trying to stride too much pride
Much easier to cry alone and die

Get off that pedestal
Death will come to those invincible
Clear your thoughts make them credible
Or the psych ward is inevitable

I used to play games when I was young
Now I always carry a knife
What's next a gun
What happened to that precious little boy
He traded the devil all of his toys

How can I explain
The impossibility of your complaint
The way it feels you pray to feel
Yet I pray you never feel this way
But to understand my pain
You would have to become
The thing that I am
You completely despise
My manipulation
And constant lies
I feel so powerless
So weak over drugs
One quick thought
Overpowers your love
With only thoughts of using
Urges that can't be tamed
But your not to blame
Powerless a feeling u pray to know
So u may know my pain
But no man should feel
Such pain that I do
Unless life's path
Has told u too
Out of love
U believe my lies
As bad as I want to be clean
I can't stop getting high

Dream of the day
Recall a vision
Delirious whispers
From beneath
Bitter tongues spray
Thousands stare
Worshiping the weak
Elaborate symphony
Beauty goddess sleeps
Blood mist
Together
Man and woman sweet death
From powerful shadow mother
RIP honey
Dress in white
Next life leaves winter
Watch spring flood in light
Diamonds can shine
But knife heaves a blow
Incubate, head crushed
Beat over
Though under we go
Boiling lake
No luscious garden near
Live show
Sing for eternity
For fiddles play
Your time robbed away
Delicately put
Repulsive and black are they

I close my eyes and drift off to sleep
To awake with a smile from the sweetest dream
The first love of mine, the most beautiful thing
Such an amazing smile
Oh why can't my dreams be reality

She once was mine she is one of a kind
I could search all of my life
But our kind of love is just to hard to find

I wish my dreams were real
Cause when I dream she's with me still
I awake with a smile, but soon pain is all I feel
Oh why can't my dreams be real

I look at my past why did we not last
I was much to young wanted to go have fun
Three years now since I lost you
Wish I controlled time
Cause three years I would rewind
to my happiest time
Where true love I did find
Two hearts to one combined

I know that I hurt you
Sorry for all the pain I put you through
No words can describe
How small I feel inside
Got scared left u alone
But through the years I have grown
With u I am at home
Rachel you are the first love of my life
I dream of you almost every night
When morning comes I fight the sunlight
Cause in my dreams your love I feel
Oh why can't my dreams be real
Why can't my dreams be real