I don't know
where she is
or where She is
as my grandmother
peers out the window
into the heavenly
landscape of her garden
two white butterflies dance
mirroring the light *****
of the others wings.
breathless
my grandmother’s eyes turn misty
hand on her heart
grasping my fingers into knots
her voice clipped
there they are,
and she clutches onto me
as the sisters whirl themselves
around the ashen and lilies

tell me about what infuriates you until the point that your palms shake and your jaw clenches
tell me about your everyday monotony and what you do in order to escape it
don't tell me something feeble and impermanent like your favorite color
and please don't bother telling me where you are from, instead tell me where you want to go
tell me what you laugh at uncontrollably until your sides ache, tell me everything about yourself until you've reached the very bottom of your being
i want to know what fills your coppery-brown eyes with life when you are having an off day and something was able to paint a smile across your once melancholy, sadness-drenched face
i want to know you
i want to listen to your voice as you talk until there is absolutely nothing else left to say
i want to know you so very badly it's almost destroying me
please let me know you

I tend to be angry a lot
and I find that my source of rage
is you
so I run
I run so fast I forget about the world around me
I focus on running from you
away from my love for you
I tend to be angry a lot
so I punch things
I hit so hard my knuckles begin to bleed
my skin turns purple and blue
I tend to be angry a lot
so I write
I write so much my fingers cramp
my back aches from being hunched over my journal for so long
my eyes red and puffy
cheeks stained by your words
and I get so angry
so engulfed by hate
but I still love you
no matter what
no matter how many pills
how many empty pages
empty bottles
I still want you
I tend to get angry a lot
and I find that my source of hatred
is you

I keep rereading what I wrote last night... everything is so true and I don't deny it
I was out of it
Out of myself but so in with words
My brain is loose and fresh
I feel me
I feel you
I always will
I always had
Why don't I have the guts to tell you?
Why?
You'll ******* off most definitely
I keep thinking of you
If you think about it, we're so close to death
I could be typing this and someone could be pointing a gun at me from a distance
I hope you're okay
I hope you're safe
I think I'm God
At least the concept
We served our time with depression and we made it out
I was crying inside the mental hospital knowing you left me when I fell down on life
I'd pray and pray that one day you'd be my wife
We'd talk about how we would live together and how we'd own pets
Trips to the store and *** that would feel so right
No matter how cliche that is I'd say I was saying only the truth
Our truth is made up and thats what makes it special
It's ours and only ours
It was never about me, but us
As conscious beings
We
We are here we are there
We are ours and sometimes lost
I drew myself in your arms and time is erasing me
We've erased the future we envisioned and the present is gorgeous for the moment
Poetry speaks and the wind sure likes to listen to me
I hope you're listening
I hope everyone knows there is still time to forgive
Because I forgave
And love is a reflection of the cosmos
Like we're a reflection of equations
We could be the truth or we could be misinterpreted
We've created number we've created numbers we've created numbers we've created letters letters on letters on letters
We are time
We've made it to the point of limiting experience
We've created beliefs to follow for comfort
Do we really understand what life on earth was a million years ago?
Are we that great?
I don't want to get caught up in the past or in what I can be
I may be scared of what I'll turn out to be and I've always been scared to fear the future
What happened to me?
I hope in just simply becoming
Why cant we be together and grow strong?
We have titles for those who believe and for those who dont believe and those who don't and that separates us from us and judge eachother
Why can't we live without despising eachother and our beliefs
I'm just feeling more these days....

Rejection seems to kick in from Left Right Centre.
My heart is aching.
But I want to TRUST the Process.

I have seeked the face of God through this, asking why
The pain is much
Its hard to breathe now
The memories are making it even more difficult for me.
But I want to TRUST the Process.

I just pray for sanity.
For Peace and Joy to feel my life.
For the purpose for all these aches to finally be revealed to me.
For I choose to TRUST the Process.

So I try to breath.
Look to the skies and in silence feel the calmness
I will be still, and at the end I will win
I will TRUST the Process.