I wish for this night to prolong
beyond the dawn that (gingerly) awaits,
and the uncertain future
that it brings along.

I wish for this night to prolong
as we set sail on joyous winds
your caressing words
like pearls that adorn cheerful strings.
....
There are myriad distances
yet we re-unite
with meaningless conversations
on the soulful palette of this starry night.

O' Beloved, I wish for this night to prolong
beyond the time, when we may have to leave
a time I pray will truly never come
and…. hope that it will never have to be me."

My skin trust his fingers
Like the spider trusting the shoe
While it is on its way down to crush it
I know you are no good for me
But it is so comforting to know
That someone wants me
Even if it is only for tonight
While you are intoxicated
And you do not know what you are doing
Because, though, it sounds troubling
There is hope that you will remember it tomorrow
And maybe not regret it

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hate yourself
The first time you tripped over your own fault lines
And started taking caution in every step
When did it happen?
Was it at 10?
When your shaking hands couldn't hold still
And the shame of them drove you into isolation
Maybe it's because others noticed
Or because they did their best to make it clear you were different
I don't think you know
That the rhythm you had and still have
Is unlike the rest
It is crooked and uneven but beautiful nonetheless
You didn't know it then
And accepting unsteadiness is easier said than done

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to hurt yourself
Could it have been at 13?
When the weight of too much pressure motivated you to lose it
To the point where bones stuck out more than your voice
Loud girl became quiet that year
And then even more so the next
When your changing body didn't morph the way you would have liked it to
Left you shaped uncomfortably
A little too top heavy
The kind that drew unwanted attention
At a time when standing out was the last thing you desired
You turned skin into a battlefield into remnants from too many losses
Wrists became front lines, then hips, then neck until
You became too much destruction to keep the war going
You learned that it is impossible to win in a fight against yourself

Tell me when it was
The first time you learned to forget yourself
Was it at 15?
When the sacrifice of your body wasn't enough
To make a careless boy love you
It was a silly thing to give it all away
When you barely had enough of you for yourself
Your efforts changed after that
Trying too hard turned into not trying at all
Feeling too much turned into feeling nothing at all
You learned to repress and erase
And start over in the morning
You have been heavy from trying to hide away for so long

Tell me when it is
The first time you learn to love yourself
Will finally be after all of the years of disappointment?
Of self-deprecation?
When you realize you deserve more
Than to be the dust swept off to the side
Deserve better than to be an ashed out version of your potential
You were not meant to be wasted
You were not meant to be washed out and pushed down
You were meant to stand tall

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you realize flaw is inevitable
When your skin turns itself different colors
And nothing can be done to change it
You will then learn acceptance

The first time you learn to love yourself
Will be when you stop comparing
When you look in the mirror and see only yourself in the reflection
Nobody else
You were meant to be here
You were meant to embrace it all
This body
This skin
This image
The only one you will ever have
The same one you will have to love
And eventually you will,
You'll learn how to.

"You're lucky you're pretty,"
you say to me with a smile
as I drink more from your glass
hoping to take more
from your heart

My favorite piece of evidence
to use against the case of my friends
was that you have never
complimented my appearance
and suddenly
I need to rethink
my closing statement

Boys that tell me I'm pretty
have been far and few
but liars all the same

I believe you when you tell me this
and it does not ring in my ears
when you kiss me in your bed
because you have already
made me feel
like so much more

It's vicious.
He spits honey-coated excuses
Just as I misplace forgiveness
Sliding under him,
Rising over me
As snowflakes fall outside this Brooklyn brownstone of mistakes.

But these pebbled streets
and long-forgotten sidewalks,
crossed daily by hundreds
...they soften everything.

It's beautiful and tragic
as I remember nothing and everything
If only for some time,
if only in this place.

This crack in the sidewalk, his hand in mine
That tree with the branch that hangs too low...
his eyes
a smile
true love.

This is where I come to forget.

I do not believe my love is pretty
Or that it belongs among your soul.
It is pathetically afraid of catching glances.
And it clings to distance with a passion.
It is alive but it dances among shadows.
It curls under your hands
And races backwards
Hiccupping into the dark.
I never claimed to love
Before any of my heartbreaks.
So you kiss my lovely friend
Unaware that I have fallen.

I remember we were in your car
and you told me how
you didn't understand one night stands anymore
because now I'm here
and you don't see a need for someone else.
I remember feeling
a sense of want
and gratitude for being
and I held your hand
and choked back tears.

That was two weeks ago.
Now
sitting on my bed
I see those words
"I don't think I can love right now"
and now there are tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry"
Is this how you felt?
I'm sorry Alex.
With nobody in my bed
and nobody to go to
I'm sitting under the covers
with tear stained sheets
matted hair
and clutching my phone.
You were my comfort
and now you don't need me.