His honesty
Lights the way
To a home in him
I never knew I had

The water calls to me
No, not to me
But to my weakness
However, I am not weak
And the water
Cannot
Have me

As the sun kissed my cheeks,
I being to ask myself,
am I worthy?

He chose me
Something about me
In his eyes
Lead him back

Even despite the fact
That I wasnt wanted by the Lake
I was thrown from the water
It didn't love me

But he does
He truly, truly does.
Who needs the Lake,
When I can swim in his love forever?

You can turn the lights on
And tear off all my clothes
But I will never again
Allow myself to be naked in front of you

I won
I finally did
But still for her
I feel the loss
And pain
And I wish
Somewhere close to the surface
Of my heart
(Though I wish I could say it comes form a place deep down)
I could take the pain from her
I wish that I could carry it
Far from her
For she lays in this bed
Yet, by her own hands she did not make it
She was thrown into those sheets
Not a victim intentionally
But crowned so by fate.

I'm sorry.

He's not my lover
But I know the taste
Of his lips

X

I miss the taste
Of the Lake
On my lovers longing lips

I miss the smell of the water
In his hair
As I run my fingers through it

I miss the sun
Reflecting off the crystal brown surface
In his eyes.

Through him
I guess
I still miss the Lake

I don't bloom
Because you command me to
If I bloom at all
It will be
Because
I am finally ready
To face the world
And because
The world is finally
Ready for me

These whiskey feelings
I give myself
Straight from the cup
Tonight
**** me more than anything else
And leave me more empty
Than I have ever been

**** this place.

The Lake
Rejected
Me
Even when
I thought
I was worthy

It rejected me
The lake
It truly did

My soul had never been so devastated
I jumped once more
Deep off the dock
To the very bottom

I let my body go limp
take me
I preached
But no
Not yet I guess


My body rose
Like a hot hair balloon
Crashing not to the sky
But to the surface of the water

And my lungs re-inflated
With the hatred of this world
I pushed myself back under
Breathing in the precious liquid
Brown in color

But no,
not yet
Not me.
For I am
Not worthy
Of The Lake

This water
Has a strange way
Of making me want to die

No, no.
Not suicide
I don't want to die
I very much want to live
I love those around me
But

The water
That **** water
It calls to me in peace
Offering it at the bottom
Of the murky water

Everything you've ever wanted
It says
Just swim deep enough to find it
It sings
And I want to.

I want to plunge to the bottom
And find all that I think I deserve
Cold bitterness overpowering my lungs
And the peace and joy
I was always offered all along

And I'm still falling
I'm still in love

I wish I could say I'm in love
But right now I'm not so sure
Not even about myself

I'm only perfect
When the lights are off
And so are my clothes

I can hear them laughing
While drinking
And I resent them for it

Because I
Am only good at drinking alone

Here I am
Naked in this bed
Alone
Feeling empty
Or is it the bed...
Who is empty
I don't know.
I stopped thinking
Too much about anything
After the clock on the wall
Began laughing at me.
I mean,
What time is it even?
How many hours have passed
Since you left?

You can only torment a soul for so long
Before it rejects you as its master.

My beautiful body
Tainted by a wicked mind

With you I can keep my eyes open
And the dream still unfolds.
I don't have to waste time sleeping
Just to have you next to me.

----
Because if it's not one thing! Its another!
She screams and her words crack the floor beneath her.
I'm a horrible person- I ******* get it
They, trapped in a single body, throw their arms up.
Their words were faint- but heard.
I don't know how to love!
His remark shatters the sky
or how to be loved
those ones shatter her heart as he holds the other boys hand in the photo of his phone screen- where she once belonged
You don't understand that!
She said throwing the clothes her mother got her from the /mens/ department out the window
I'm battling demons that nobody understands
he looks in the mirror one last time with the glistening escape hanging ever so slightly off the edge of the sink
In a soft other worldly whisper,
Heard from everywhere,
Because it comes from everywhere:
Nobody will ever understand
---

I keep going through your things
And I'll tell you why

First by saying- yes, I love you.
I mean it; I've meant it
Even after I said I didn't

lies
That's what we had left at the end
But once the layer of deceit was cleaved off
And the ugly truth was born
It was more than I could carry

Even still, in this unsettling love I have for you
Long after the truth has grown
To the ripe age of 18 years
And left the nest in my heart
I had built for it
-only so I could save my own sanity
sigh
...I digress:
I still feel the looming lies attempting
To play my heart strings like cords
Of the most out of tune harp

You say it's me
And only me
My foolish heart believes you
My body has already long forgiven you
Mind however; my mind has doubts
Mainly because no one would ever
Choose me
When there were obviously so many other
Her(s) to pick through

So I'll take your grain of love
And for right now
I'll choke it down between my spoonfuls
Of medicine
Salt
And soap

I'm sorry I go through your things still
It's wrong but its how I survive now
You can't be mad either because
Well, you made me this way.

I liked the days better when
You were begging to hold my hand
As we froze beneath the winter sun
Rather than it being pushed away
While me welt from the weight of the summer star

If you spent less time
Fighting yourself
Maybe you'd actually
Be able to save someone else

But how can you stand on your own cape
As your hair catches fire
And tell the world it's fine?

I've been here
No old news
Yes, I'm the same girl
from your cuffing season blues

When it happened
I was sitting in the corner of a busy cafe
Reading- nothing really in particular
But the song is the important cue here.

I heard it at first
Distant and faint like butterfly wings
Then it grew louder
Blame it on the night
My eyes rose from the pages
Dont blame it on me
Faintly into my ears

It's sad really
I wanted to steady myself up
Push the book into the seat
and cross the room as our eyes locked
Until we were standing breaths apart

But when I looked up
I knew **** well you wouldn't be there
Why would you be?
And I wondered
As my mind still made the image of us dancing in the middle of this coffee shop seem more like a reality

Would we ever dance again?
Maybe some day, of course not now, but distant
Perhaps in different lifetimes
However; most likely never at all

Seeking attention
From any of those
Willing to give it

Cold
And coated in ice

Do I need you...



to be complete?

When do I get to look in the mirror
and fall in love with the girl I see?

How long will it take me to see
That out of all my pain and agony
Eventually comes beauty and grace?

Something I've learned
Over the years
Is never to rush nature
She knows what shes doing-
     Shes been doing it longer than anyone else
And the scars we force ourselves to have
Will always hurt more
Than the ones She will give to us
So never force a life lesson
You'll be naturally taught them
When She believes you're ready

How many times
will I allow you
to empty my heart
before I realize
that I can't keep filling it with you?

These whiskey feelings
I give myself
Straight from the bottle
Are often sweeter
Than you ever were

These honey feelings
You have me stuck in
Leave me breathless
And sticky
Things get jumbled together
Maybe things that shouldn't
And everything becomes
Foggy and hazy
This process continues
Until not even the bees
Want it back

Even quitting cigarettes
Was easier than quitting you

"In the end
It's you.
And, **** it,
It's always
just going to
be you.
So,
I'm simply
not going to fight it
anymore.
You're mine."

"What are you looking at, when you get lost in my eyes?"
He had no response so I began again
"In yours I see the storm,
I can see all the ways you hate yourself
And all the ways you rip and pull apart
All of your insecurities
But I also see the calm, and I feel the warmth
Coming from the sand under my feet
As I wait on the beach, in the eye of the storm.
Even through the chaos, in your eyes, I feel comfort and calm"
Then the storm came
and I kissed every drop off his cheeks

I dropped it and let him drift off
in my arms
He thought he got off free, but
I know when his eyes are closed
is when he's vulnerable and honest
And I asked again, with clouds over his mind
And his answer:
"Home"
The faintest mumble of a sleeping hero
Stopped my heart
"Your eyes bring me home"

I was always enough
In fact,
I was everything you ever wanted
Needed
Thank god,
You finally realized that

I wrote your destruction
Often times in my blood
But now the malice has ended
And I want to transcribe
Our ascension
Even with all this new found passion
The words have never been more distant

I want to give all my love away
And have it circled back
So then why shouldn't it
Be you?

Once again
Love prevails
And you are the proof of my victory

Walking up
Sober and alone
Reminds me
That the bed
Isn't the only thing
Cold and empty

Skimming sensation
From anothers skin
Has hollowed me out
Made every last corner
Emptier than the whiskey
Because not even drinking
Fills the hole you left anymore

Or better yet
Shut the **** up
And just kiss me

Perhaps I was wrong
Maybe on my own
I am not a complete person


Or


Maybe I had given
So much of myself to him
That I only feel complete around him
Because my body aches
For the return of those pieces

When my heart belongs to you:
I'm free