And I can barely breathe.
Words twisted in broken angles,
emotions caught in webs I can’t undo.
I try to free myself,
but I fail miserably.
And as a year passes,
I’m still all wrong,
and never right.
So please forget that I was even here.

If I don’t write for weeks
does that mean I’ve lost inspiration
or have I just become too immersed in emotion
that no words can describe how I feel?

Walls close in,
and someone else takes control of the moment,
leaving you standing there,
thinking the worst is about to happen,
and making you feel as if you’re caught in a net.
No one bothers to ask if you’re okay.
They only stare or turn away.
A spectacle to watch and turn off when the interest fades away.
Sadly the fear in your bones doesn’t disappear as fast,
and everyone’s wondering why you can’t turn it off.
Because it’s not like changing clothes or pushing a button.
It comes without warning,
and believe me if I knew when it would arrive,
I’d already be long gone.

When home is the one place you should run to,
and today, yesterday, you were told to run from it.
It’s not getting any clearer,
and you wonder if home will even be there when you return.  
If so,
you’re one of the lucky ones.
But structures and things don’t matter quite as much as each breath from your lungs.
You’re alive,
they’re alive,
and hopefully, slowly you can rebuild.
It’ll take time to heal what nature broke,
but God is there in every step and struggle.
He didn’t desert you then when he carried you from the flames,
and he won’t desert you now when the world around you turns to ashes.
One day those ashes will disappear,
and all those uncertain nights will fade into hope.
Brcause fire isn’t permanent.
God is.

I stood there doing my best,
trying to please everyone no matter how tired I felt.
I was a hamster spinning on a wheel that didn’t seem to ever stop.
I picked up pieces to put back together,
but they never seemed to fit.
I was to blame and shame took its’ hold on me.
Maybe I wasn’t good enough.
Maybe I deserved the criticism that tore apart my soul.
For blood and tears didn’t add up,
and written reports only emptied me of what little hope I had left.
I was lost to the darkness and the sunlight could never find me.
One more minute there and I would have crumpled,
unable to return from the Hell I was in.
So I ran.
Left behind the nagging guilt and worthlessness that had engulfed me.  
I no longer wanted this control over me
and the monkey I pushed off my back.
You could tear me down,
break me even,
but you will never make me stay.
And one day I will fully heal from the messed up emotions you made me feel.

If I spit words,
let them be of your love and ever lasting faithfulness.

The time I spent with you I never regret.
I learned so much about myself in your presence,
and more than I could have imagined,
I fell in love with someone I wanted to spend forever with.
Ironically though forever now seems impossible.
Every day is a waiting game,
and I do not know if this second will be the last.
So I turn away.
Leave behind what made me so happy.
And all the memories I’ll treasure
will only remain as that.
I do not want you to see me the way I will become.
Goodbyes laced with anger will hurt far less than a goodbye at the edge.
And I’m sorry it’s come to this.
I’d turn my days around if I could,
and all the lies would never have to be.
But I can’t hold onto hope when hope flickers so small.