I've begged for you for so long
There's a hole in my carpet
And bruises on my knees
But it doesn't feel wrong

I say I attract toxic,
Deep down I think
I crave it.

You chewed me up and spit me out
Like the piece of gum you chew
After a cigarette.

She doesn't even know
You started smoking
Again.

The feelings I feel are so confusing to me
No matter what I do I can't make them leave
They hit me and yell and scratch till I bleed
Always around, bringing me to my knees
I feel them in my skin, they buzz in my brain
Mentally I'm in the street laid out in the rain
They rip out my nails and tap dents in my collar bones,
Force me back to my room where I just lay all alone,
Darken my eyes, drain the color from my face
The creature now in the mirror I look at with disgrace

Words are magic, and pretty, and gold
They make you feel good, and timeless, less old
But words are just words, though pretty on paper,
And when action doesn't follow, you feel worse later

A constant reminder of the love we once shared,
That's no longer there
Personified in the form of a little person,
A little bit of me and a lot a bit of you,
I love watching her figure out what all she can do
Stubborn and curious ,
I wonder if she'll grow to be like you, always furious
So I shower her with love and affection and attention
And shield her from our past, the things we do not mention
You find fault in every role I take,
As a partner you ******, but as a dad I think you're great
A confusing place to be, to hate the man your daughter adores
But I push through and only cry behind closed doors

And in times when she felt so
Alone
Unlovable
Overbearing
She had friends to fight along
Her side

I'd keep the walls down but
Everytime I let hope remove the bricks
I take arrows to my chest.

I think it might be best
To keep the concrete high
And nurse my wounds in private this time.

I'll miss the softness
While I settle back into rage
Ill return to stand-offish,
At least you're free from my cage

I wasn't meant to love you, no I don't believe in fate. But here I am anyway, convincing myself it wasn't great.
I'm failing, you know, to see you in any other light, I just lay here wishing we could've had one more night.
Your voice was always soothing, and coaxed words out of me unsaid, and now I'm left here desperately trying to pull you from my head.
Your touch I never felt, but my skin will swear I did, your soul reached out to hug me while mine ran and hid.
You don't do second chances, and I never win on the first try, your words are always cold now and all I do is cry.  
My heart breaks that we got here, even though it's my fault, and as I erase our memories, there are a few I'll store in my vault

I'm not good with money, a budget never could manage me, I hate when it's sunny, I prefer rain and a breeze.

I can be silent for days on end, can't even bring myself to sing, easily broken yet hard to bend, my mind is a stubborn thing.

Sometimes I get lost way too deep in my thoughts, have fun trying to guide me away, and I'm sensitive too don't yell in my room, it'll just activate the rage.

And God I get mean, inconsiderate and spiteful, with nowhere to lean, I'll feel my anger is rightful.

My hair clogs the drain, it's long and disarray, you won't get my brain, I cry like every other day.

I can't do my makeup, my eyelids don't shine gold, I'll threaten a break up, the second I feel you're cold.

I'll have the last word, everytime we disagree, I don't know if you've heard, but you shouldn't love me.

Everyday I come home
I eat dinner at
My table of selfpity
To watch old memories play on
My television of self doubt
Showering in jealousy and hate
Finally forcing sleep on
My bed of loneliness

I want you to love me
In only my way
Your words sound so sweet
But just do as I say

I'm begging you to hold me
Keep up the persistence
I crave your comfort
But remain at a distance

Every time I get closer
to my goal
I feel myself slipping further
into a hole,
I just want to be a success
But my bad side won't give it a rest.

I've been a thousand women
For a handful of men,
Each act greater than the last
But never enough for an encore.

At the end of the night
When I take off my mask,
Ready to be the one they fall for,
It's only emotional baggage left.

So I'll pack it up
And put it away neatly,
In case they ever return,
And I'll yearn
And I'll wish
And I'll dream
For someone to WANT to
Want to be with me

I trace your name on my collar bone,
It feels good on my skin.
Craving you this badly,
Will be my lifelong sin.

I breathe too much and you hear nothing else
I hold my breathe then I'm gasping for air
Either way I'm too loud

Each time you call me dumb
I believe you
a little bit more.
I'm dumb
for loving someone
Who is not capable of
loving me back.

I don't write very well
I can't find a flow
All over the pages
Every word goes

I don't write very well
The words don't make sense
Sometimes it feels better
To write in past tense

I don't write very well
But I need to express my emotions
And separate my thoughts
From this world's commotions

I wish I could draw, I dont want to write

Three shades of blue, a couple purple hues

Splattered over ink pen outlines

A figure sat low, knees dug into the ground

Lines overlapping, the details are smudged

What's she begging for you'd wonder,
And who is she begging above?

Tears would streak the page, but it'd just add to the scene

A figure unmoving, an illustration I'd love

But no I can't draw her

So I write her alive, but it's not the same

I can write her feelings, but I'd like to draw her pain

If you can't verbally listen maybe I could visually explain

And like a kid clumsily sneaking through the house in the dark,
you awakened all of my senses,
turned on every light of my heart,
making messes all along your path.

I don't want to be weak,
Can't let you know I need you.
'Cause I've never needed,
Only provided.
And the power you hold?
Keeps my brain and heart divided.

I always run to your bed when I'm lonely,
And fifteen minutes later I'm still lonely but at least I'm
satisfied.

I wore my heart on my sleeve
For way too many years
And now she is tattered and torn

I still ball up the shreds
And hand them to men
In hopes she won't come back worse

Once I wanted to be a party girl,
Now I just wanna be your girl.

What if I loved
But didn't get obsessed
You like em crazy
And let me undress
But I got too comfy
So blessed in your presence
Now I feel like I'm dying
Drowned in your absence
And I'll call and I'll call
You don't even care
The love you claimed to feel
Was never ******* there
But I fell for you anyway
You became the moon
An all consuming enigma
Gone way too soon
But you'll give me breadcrumbs
And I'll wait here for dinner
You laugh at my pain
I guess at least heartbreak makes me thinner

Better off now than I ever was
Better space, better place

Richer now than I ever was
Richer space, richer place

Safer now than I ever was
Safer space, safer place

Lonelier now than I ever was
Lonely space, lonely place

You say I avoid love but really I crave it, a fearful heart unknowingly doomed,
But I'd rearrange the stars and leash the moon, at the chance for another lifetime with you.
But the Oracle has spoke, and the Fates don't change their mind. Bold of me to assume Lachesis would be kind.
I don't believe in fate, spent my life running away, Clotho finds it funny,
Atropos ready for my dying day.

I've shown you all my favorite things,
But you never remember.

I could tell you something yesterday
And you'd act like it had been forever.

These feelings flow out of the corners of my eyes like river rapids and pool all around me. Every time I think I can come up for air I start to drown again. And I'm searching for anything to keep me afloat but all I see is you, and the waves come crashing again.

Restless and stressed over things
I cannot control
I wish I could stand back
And look at things as a whole.

On the verge of yes,
More likely I'll say no
Constantly increasing the distance,
Never quite letting go
Always wearing a tight lipped smile,
Even when I'm feeling blue
No sense in letting them know,
There's nothing anyone can do

A ghost or a shell
I never can tell
When I look in the mirror
And everything's weird
The smile I miss
Now a thin line so crisp
The glaze in my eyes
Since the glow died
This skin isn't mine
This body feels like a crime
I don't recognize what I see
I just want to feel like me