I don't know what their names are
They won't tell me
But they are far from strangers
They sit with me when I think I'm all alone
They say we're friends but I'm not sure that we are
They tell me not to fear death
They tell me death is a part of life
They tell me to embrace death
I listen to them
They seem to be the only ones who care about me
They told me everyone else is lying to me
They remind me that they have been here since I was a kid
They remind me how well they know me
They tell me no one knows me better than they do
They tell me to hide away and push all the liars away
When I don't listen I get punished
When I don't listen they make me hurt myself
They are not my friends
They are far from my friends
They make me so scared
I don't want to die
I don't want to listen to them
I want to listen to the people they call liars
They're not liars
They love me
They know me
They're here for me
They help me
I'm fighting the demons
They keep pushing me down
I have to become stronger than they are
I have to learn to push back
I have to defeat these demons
They are plotting my death
I'm plotting my survival
**** the demons
I'm better than that
I'm smarter than that
The demons are not strangers
They're not friends
They're enemies
I have to fight these demons
I'm fighting these demons

All I feel is pain
It won't go away
Try and numb my brain
Tell me to die but I just keep going
All I do is cry but I gotta keep going
All this pain inside won't go away
I keep hoping it'll go away
I'm going through it
My head is a battlefield
Sometimes I surrender
I don't have time to fight back
All that energy I had
It's all gone
All I feel is pain
It won't go away
Try and numb my brain
Nothing helps
I just want to be alone
I don't want to be alone
This pain keeps building
I'm dying
I'm suffering
Take me away
Numb this pain
Sick and tired of crying
So hard to keep lying
Hang my head low
I keep saying I'm fine
Don't worry about me
I'm fine
I'm lying
Don't lose me
I'm trying
All I feel is pain
It won't go away
Try and numb my brain
The pain is here to stay

I close my eyes to hide from the pain
I go to sleep and hope I don't dream
I try to escape this agonizing life
I try to hide from the tears
I try to run away from myself
I wish I could hide from the girl in the mirror
She brings me more pain then I can bear
I wish I could run away from her
May she never hurt me again
I close my eyes and hope I die
I close my eyes and wish I'll wake up as someone else
I close my eyes and wish it all away
I wish the pain to leave
I'm closing my eyes
I'm wishing and praying
Take the pain away
Let me see the light
Let me die tonight
Let me see tomorrow as someone else
I hate the darkness when I close my eyes
But I love the way I can hide
I can hide from the pain
I can hide from the agony
I can hide from the loneliness
So I close my eyes and pray for no nightmares
I just want to escape
Let it be peaceful
Let me hide away

I'm always going to say I don't need help
I'm always going to cry by myself
I'll always push you away when I need you the most
When I need a hug I'll hug myself
It's the way I'm programmed
The way I grew up
I tell myself I don't give a ****
But I care about the child that had no one
The one that grew up way too fast
She is me and I am her
I'm still struggling to make her proud
So I'll just tell her that I have friends now
I have people who care
I have people I can run to
But most of the time I won't
I'll cry all alone just like before
I'll sob and wish for more
I'll wish that all this pain would go away
And I'll hope that one day I can make the kid in me proud
That I can let her out
That I'll ask for help more often
And admit when I can do it alone
But for now I won't ask for help
But I'll always go to the people I call my home
The people who are not blood but family
They understand the most
And when I need them they'll be close
They'll hug me when I cry
Pick me up when I fall
They all love me
And I love them all

I look at you with love
I also look at you with sadness
so long I have hid this pain
and now you wish you could take it away
wasn't it you who said you didn't understand it?
you told me I couldn't possibly feel this way
I hid this pain because I knew your reaction
you didn't come to until someone else explained it to you
I tried to explain but you shut me out
and now you don't trust me when I've done nothing to betray that trust
you tell me your scared I'll run off
since I was a child I dreamed of running away
my house was never a home
yes I was loved
but I was alone
I felt like a guest in the family and that of which I can't explain
but when you hide your pain you hide yourself
it makes it feel like no one really knows you
that's how I felt
like a stranger in my home because no one knew me
and no one saw I was alone
you never knew I was struggling because you never learned the signs
you took me being silent as an attitude of mine
I lost in my thoughts
I was feeling alone
I was depressed
and my house did feel like a home
I wanted to run away to a place I could cry openly
I cried alone hoping no one would hear me
no you are not a villain for you did not see
you had other things important and you thought I was fine
you fed me
you clothed me
you kept me alive
I'm sorry to tell you I was dying inside
I was crying out for help in my silence
I was counting the days in my head
I was eight years old wishing I was dead
I had no friends
family felt so close yet distant
I didn't understand it
I didn't understand my mind
I never understood why
why was it me who had these thoughts?
why was it me who was alone?
I became strong for you
I knew it was what you needed
I grew up too fast so I wouldn't be a problem
I was mature for my age
your're welcome
I sacrificed my childhood to make sure I wouldn't be a problem child
I know you never asked me
but I did anyway
I couldn't stand to see you look at me that way
with so much pain
with so much anger
it all caught up to me either way
I saw the look that I had been dreading
I still see it in my eyes you don't see me the same
your eyes are filled with pain
they're filled with worry
always wondering if I'll stay
I promise you I'm right here
I'm not going anywhere
sometimes I still wish I could run away but I still love you at the end of the day
you are my mother
you are my light
you kept me alive
in more ways than one though you might not know
I've been fighting for you this whole time
just so I wouldn't make you cry
I stayed strong
I grew up fast
just so you could see me the next day
just so I wouldn't see your pain
no you didn't ask me
but it was implied
all those times you looked annoyed at their cries
I didn't want to be the reason for that annoyed look in your eyes
you say killing yourself is selfish so I held on tight so at my funeral there wouldn't be rage in your eyes
I held on to this life so you wouldn't attend my funeral
so you wouldn't cry
so I wouldn't be the reason for the pain in your eyes
so I wouldn't be the reason you would cry yourself to sleep at night
you say you're a bad mother and that's just not right
you just got a selfless daughter who didn't want to see you cry
one that held it all in for you
became strong for you
grew up too fast for you
this isn't your fault
you're not to blame
don't worry about me for I've been fighting this for awhile
I know how to get over this
it takes some time though you wouldn't know
I kept that from you
I'm sorry that I have
I'm sorry I grew up way too fast
I'm sorry I became strong and shut you out
I'm sorry for the bad words that have left my mouth
I love you so much mom
for I have fought this for you
I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to keep this from you
I'm sorry you found out that I'm not perfect
I'm sorry you had to see me hurting
I'm sorry I never understood where you were coming from
neither one of us is better than the other
but you are such a good mother
I wish communication with us was better
maybe one day I'll open up
maybe one day we can both trust
maybe one day we'll be better
but right now we're stuck in this endless weather
this endless storm is tearing us apart
I could stop it but I don't have the courage to talk to your face
dear mom I'm sorry I hope you can forgive me in someway

memories cloud my head like the words that were never said
some are good
some are bad
some I wish I never had
these memories are like sharp knives in my mind
they stab me several times
the words that were said are like shots in my head
but the words I couldn't get out remain at the top of my mouth
there's a gun in my head that goes off
it shoots me with these memories and thoughts
shots to my heart when I remember
I said love you and I don't know where that love has gone
at the time I meant it but it came and went
now sorry is the only word I can manage
because I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry my love is gone
I'm sorry that is no longer our song
I'll always remember you as my first love
but we weren't forever
and it hurts to remember
memories can stab like knives
but they can also bring me light
when I remember the people embracing me with a hug
or the time that day was filled with love
at the end of the day memories are all we have
and I'll try to stop focusing on the bad
I'll think of all the good memories I have

music is my home
music is my escape
always there for me when I need it the most
the lyrics speak to me
they heal my soul
they heal my wounds
they tell me that I'm not alone
crying and sobbing
music is my home
it picks me up when I'm low
I need it most when I'm alone
music motivates me in the task I don't want to do
music keeps me going
so many times I was riding a thin line
on the edge of the earth wondering why
music swooped in and saved me
they say not all heroes wear capes
and it's true because these artists I listen to are my heroes
they save me time and time again
they were there when I had no friends
music is my therapy
music is my home
in these lyrics I feel safe
music pulled me through when I didn't think I survived
but I'm still here
and music still wipes away my tears