How do i find order in the chaos, quiet amidst the noise? When my world is crumbling how do I maintain poise?
Left or right? North or south? Control the words coming from my mouth.
You created me and know me to my core! Why cant i understand what i was created for?

Balance and momentum. Contentment and drive. Passion and purpose. what keeps us alive?
Confused and trembling on the precipice of change. But i cant see it i can only feel things beginning to rearrange.
Hold me guide me do not let me stumble and fall, if its not of you i do not  want it at all!

Baby girl born into a world of confusion, chaos, and anger. Your so small my precious one, I hope we can protect you from the danger.

Born of two cultures you did not get to choose will we help you build a bridge or create a ruse.

Can we help you find love and respect for both parts of who you are.  Or will we try to force you to fit our ideas and create a scar.

Your heart so tender, so ready to receive,
All the things we tell you to believe.

May our words and actions show you love, kindness, and Respect. May you become a woman of faith with a ripple effect.

Strong and brave,  loyal and true, a champion of those who are less fortunate than you.

A righter of wrongs, a voice of truth, and a heart of compassion. May wisdom and love be given you without ration.

Its so easy to be caught in the fear of everything that we may miss. Perhaps the Lord has placed you for such a time as this.

Laying awake because the worry wont cease,
Heartache inside on a steady increase.
No way to put into words the dread and anxiety, my constant companion in your society.
Cant have a conversation no matter how gentle or careful I try to be. So much rage and venom I fade under the intensity.
I am so overwhelmed and confused a jumbled mess. Find myself accepting less and less.
Less compassion and respect,  less love and affection. I See the shadows in my eyes as I stare at my reflection.
What are we doing? playing a warped game of pretend? One where nobody’s happy or ever wins I want it to end!
It starts with me the only place it can. I must face the things away from which I’ve ran.
On my own afraid but i have to learn to stand. Do it all for myself no looking back no longer expecting a hand.
Broken,bleeding, and bare, carrying more baggage than i want to share.
It does no good to ask myself how or why?
But i might need a moment to grieve to cry.

Salty air and sandy toes , amid sunshine and waves  relationships strengthen and grow!
Late night sweet kiddo snuggles, firelight dancing, laughter bubbles.
Friends turned family that love you through it all, hold your hand when you feel small.
Puppy kisses, under blue skies, sun kissed skin, time flies by!
Warmth seeps in healing my soul, easing my aches stitching me whole.
Sound of the waves soothe away, the world so loud troubles on replay.
Losing and finding pieces in the endless sway where water meets land and pretense washes away.

I feel it when it’s beginning sometimes slowly sometimes in a rush,
Never prepared as the walls break and then the gush.

Heart beat racing, out of breath, mind a blur.
I whisper we’re safe but my body does not concur.

Not even sure what started the fear and anxiety. But my skin is crawling and i can’t breathe.

Focus, connect with what is real. What can you see, hear, and feel?

Regulate your breathing, calm your heart, let the tremors subside hit pause then restart.

Too much sound, and Too much to take in.
One step at a time control is very thin.

My heart is still to fast but the day doesn’t stop. Like Holding a ball under water hoping it doesn’t pop.

The depth of my heart is tired, and my soul is flooded with grief and pain.
No where to run, no time to cry, just swallow and shove it down again.
Being in this constant state of confusion on high alert,
somedays we are your everything somedays your destruction, it becomes a blur.
You don’t want your freedom, but you don’t want me. You think you do, but you only want the version that’s make believe.
How many times have i sat on this porch swing to contemplate. But my head is so jumbled the thoughts i cant even separate.
My brain stuck somewhere between disassociation and trauma induced anxiety. Not sure how to shake loose, do I fight or do I flee?
some days I feel like I’m stuck on pause unable to be free. By the time, I finally decide will there be anything left of me?

I feel a little bit lost today, wandering through the passages of my mind i got stuck in an alley way.
I sat trembling staring at what i have left of you. Sweet Precious memories i don’t often sift through.
Because there i get caught in the aged sun faded edges of what we had. A lifetime of love moments, treasures, the good and the bad.
A million times i ache as i yearn for your comfort your advice. no need to pretend you knew the I’m fine lies.
What would you think, what would you say? Im so sorry i wasted so many of our days.
I wish i could hear your voice, feel one more warm embrace. See the unconditional love shining from your face.
I mourn the moments you should have shared. The grandchildren who should have known that much love and care.
Someone who always showed up, who loved you even when you were wrong. It doesn’t seem right that the days just keep moving along.
So here i sit surrounded by the memories and it makes me sway. I just feel a little bit lost today….