to my therapist:
if i could believe
everything that i understand
or know to be true
i would not be sitting in front of you

in the pinnacle of my dreams
it seemed I could love you enough
for the both of us

dying for someone
cannot be a testament of love
if leaving someone
can be called love
then we are but sadists suffering
from delusions of grandeur
if you loved me enough to leave me
then perhaps you never loved at all

O bitter tears!
wetting my face, stinging my eyes
The weight of life draws you out
All could go wrong, you would be lost
Weeping bitterly is painful healing
I am glad to heal, glad to hurt
O blessed healing!

Reformation

Remember when life was fun and easy
Yeah I remember too
Nowdays, the stress makes me queasy
My life seems awfully blue

Millennial life is easy, my elders say
Whenever we get into a feud
Yet I fear my life may be going astray
When the college bills got me *******

Remember when school used to be enjoyable
Life was just a breeze
Suddenly the pressure seemed unavoidable
My pile of work never seemed to cease

I'm tired of living in a rut
Procrastinating till my next exam
I feel sick in my gut
When I think about how lazy I am

But what will I do
What will I do? *2

I will reform my self
I will develop inner strength
Show my parents and my self that I can succeed

Give me the pen
Cleanse my mind
And keep me focused for the entire time

Reformation *3
I want reformation

I used to be good at school
Felt confident with my life in an of itself
My body has plenty of energy (S.I unit: joules)
Why is it so hard for me to assert myself

The work is in front of me
Right front and center
My conciousness has a plea
Why am I unable to be my mind's mentor

I sit here exhausted and fatigued
Nothing makes sense to me
It's 2 AM and I am studying the heart's anatomy
Who even knows if my neurons will fire properly

But what will I do
What will I do? *2

I will reform myself
Keep my phone aside
My eyes will be kept open wide

Give me the table
Turn off the distractions
Let my thoughts turn into actions

Reformation *3
I just want reformation

The time ticks 4 AM and I head off to sleep
Regurgitating the roles of various enzymes
I know that the fruit of my efforts will be mine to reap
I listen attentively for the sound of my alarm's chimes

As I hear my phone vibrations diffract all around the room
I come to the realization that my day to shine has come
My shower is on freezing cold with my mind warning me of my impending doom
But I know I won't let that be my outcome

While I put on my shoes and get my bag
I watch a motivational video to pump me up
I dump my head in water to overcome my feeling of jet lag
My mind keeps doing mental push ups

Now what do I do
What do I do? *2

I will make myself capable of excellence
Ensure there is no more procrastination
This is my opportunity for transformation

Give me the test paper
Show them the hall ticket
I will hack my way through the thicket

Reformation *7
I just want reformation

As I sit here with my exam results in hand
Proudly displaying the fruits of my work
I remember that I took a stand
Doing what ever I could to clear up the murk

These struggles of mine are just like life
Some concepts are useless, like studying about an alewife
But each new concept is always nice to know
It might not be practical, but hey it might at least end up in a trivia show

So one day this rash shows up on your arm after you go for a walk
You assume at the time no big deal
Just be careful on walks

But then the rash never leaves
It just kind of festers and grows
Until it's gone from a patch to an outbreak

You try getting more sleep
Maybe change your diet
And you stop taking walks

But the rash still grows
And it grows
And it becomes uncontrollable

It take over your life
Prevents you from going out
From enjoying life

It keeps you as it's prisoner
And you hate that rash
So you try to banish it

It's no longer a mere accident but a full infection
So you look into it some more
But there are so many things that start out as a rash

You figure maybe you just have dry skin
But what if that's not it
What if you have a disease or worse

So now you both have a rash and are afraid
You don't know what to do
So you try everything in your power

But the rash remains
You're without options
It's time to bring in outside help

You ask yourself what it could be
And as much as you think you might know
You have a hunch and you're terrified to have it confirmed

So the question remains
While ignorance is pain it is also bliss on the soul
Knowledge heals but not without bringing about an often ugly truth

That is what having a mental disorder is like
It's not beautiful
It's not easy

It's like a rash
But it's inside your brain so not quite like a rash
But also very much like a rash in the way it mentally controls you

And it eats you away begging for an answer
And answer you'l never have
At least not without some pain

You've heard it before
Most likely from a small child
"When I grow up"
And from the perspective of a child that statement is full of hope
It's the ultimate goal
It's their own personal victory

But one day you look at yourself
And you realize you have grown up
And maybe you're lucky and you've achieved your goals
But for most maybe you never did

Maybe you tried and gave it all you had
Only to feel left out in the cold
Maybe you changed your mind
Of maybe you just grew old