There are many words I wish I’d said,
while I still had the chance,
so many things we said we would do,
but we ended with only a glance.

“You are too beautiful to be heart broken,” he told me
“Well… the most beautiful flowers get ripped out of the soil, causing them to fall apart and die..” I replied to him.
He gets my metaphor and told he would’ve kept me forever.
I smile but what is there to believe anymore?

Had I known that morning would be our last,
I would have made coffee for you,
like you always did for me.
I would have watched the steam rise,
watched it disappear,
the way our love did.

Had I known that morning would be our last,
I would have stayed in bed a little longer,
just a few more seconds,
pressed my feet against yours,
felt your breath on my skin,
and have  that memory to play on repeat

Had I known that morning would be our last,
I would have told you
about all the lives I have lived for you.
And I would have poured you coffee,
Just like I had poured all of me into you,
And I would have watched the steam fade into nothing,

Just like I did.

I've never experienced heartbreak
 in the traditional sense,
but I've felt the breaking of myself,

shattered into little pieces,
to fit in the mold of me

I've known the fracture of my needs,

bent and twisted to support you unconditionally,

until I forgot where I ended and you began.

I haven't known heartbreak in the way they speak of it,

but I've mourned the self I never had,

grieved for the things I could never hold,

stumbling over my own words,

falling in silence,

afraid I didn't matter,
disappearing slowly

No, I haven't known heartbreak in the traditional sense,

and maybe that's why I'm afraid of breaking hearts,
because the only thing left
 are fragments of a shape I was,

before I trimmed my edges,
cutting away the parts of me that couldn't fit,
Over and over, until there was nothing left.

I thought we would be done by now.

But I keep finding more of you
between the lines
and more of me
between the letters.

If you saw me

unvarnished,

unscripted
would you stay?

You'd know the cost
of loving someone
who's learned to disappear
before she's left.

You might step back.

or worse,

what if you stay?

and see me crumble

in your kindness

I don't know
if I could survive

being loved like that.