whiskey whisk me
away, find a way to
tryst me risk-ly.
whiskey whisk me
to a day, not today

i drift along the web aetherized and soporific
my torpor tenuous and temporal i stumble
upon a ripple that grows unraveling
and i revel in its unraveling gyre
as its descent enriches in the morning light
delight in my dreaming drenching

one day you will see my soul whole
one day I will give you a fragment and another day another
another fragment of my soul until you have all of me
of my fears, my nightmares, of my ambitions, my dreams
dreaming of giving you something so cherished
to cherish me as I clutch you to my breast tightly and tenderly
tender, my delicate soul you hold, from this day to the last day
one day you will have my soul whole

i want to watch the snow fall with you.
i want to hear the wind howl with you.
i want to hear my heartbeat with yours.

I met you in the time between embers and aries
when the sky darkens early and the leaves decide to depart from branches
when the cold grey dreary fuels me emphatically
and the cold crispness reminds me I am so delightfully alive
In those fiery red orange embers to the grey bleak aries
was I thus enflamed and envigorated by you
When I met you in that time between embers and aries
and we traded soft whispers and heated glances,
salacious banter and satisfied stares
in that time between embers and aries
where I hungered for all of you
exuding avaricious energy
to slake myself with your scent
and delight in the way my fingers dance through your hair
and revel in the way I trace my desire across your skin

my embers and aries are stained with you

I want to disappear just to see if I am missed
I want to die to count the attendants at my funeral
How many social media posts will say they knew me
How many people will I have touched enough for them to be scarred
And this morbid curiosity consumes and terrifies me

scented candles and red wine
thunderstorm ponderous overhead
slow songs with crooning vocals
talking about sad things and fond loves
dangling in that emotive twilight
one bit furious red passion
one bit somber violet sedentary
thinking about the human condition

are you the cure to my depression
or are you just another haplessly poured drink
are you the validation of all my turbulent emotion
or am I stupefied on the couch in soporific unthink
do I imagine you cradling me and loving me dearly
or am I falling asleep alone dreaming when I am going to meet you
do I lament the way your absence makes it hard to think clearly
or am I variously intoxicated to substitute a love lost true
do I descend downwards and downwards
as I enter the catacentre
and the succor so divine lingers a touch away
imbibe, partake, delight
and become unfeeling
or perhaps all too feeling

there was a lumpy brown couch against the wall of the living room
I sat on beige carpet facing beige wall and couch
light scattered by the pale yellow lamp in the corner
it was upholstered in tough fabric stitched with white diamond brocades punctuated by little red and blue squares
my mother and father somewhere behind me in the kitchen
the squat brown coffee table draped with delicate white cloth sat in between me and the couch
we were just beginning back then, my family and I
and sometimes my nascent memories of this home
happen to intrude upon my thoughts
and I capture this image with fond words
like an awestruck lepidopterist
as the vision in my head flutters like his subject
cherished for as long as it is mine

were I to be strong,
it would be due to your love
alas, supposition

thank you for being the you that you were
from the me that needed the you that you were
and if the you that you are is not the you that you were
the me that I am still has that heartfelt gratitude
for being the person that made me a better person
and I could wax onwards and upwards
using simile and synechdoche
to praise and emphasize the profundity of your influence
but I find what befits my personality more
is a humble and sombering thank you

easy bits open, in, down, and next
browse, peruse, idly select
amuse, delight, disgust abject
oversized, crunch, munch, and ruminate
give a glazed gaze and a bemused musing
there's another little bit
oh isn't that nice
it's so perfect
bite sized
delight

sometimes i feel like what i do is not enough
that feeling eats me up inside
i agonize, over analyze to the point of emotional homicide
so i stumble and scramble for the words to apologize
but it's not about me it's about how i failed you
it's about me because i need to make this right
but i need to care for you and it's terrible tonight
so as much as it is me that might
be breaking at the seams and barely able to bear
i am there to be what i can for you
because i'm alright i promise this is nothing to me
because if it was something to me
someone would need to care about me
and i can't afford that so it's nothing to me
nothing in the sense that you may lay it on me
and i will provide
and I, and I, because I, and me and me and me
I frighten myself with my ego
so I tuck it away the best I can
and let it seep in my thoughts as the liquor surges my veins

everything around me is falling apart
but i'm okay and all i want is to talk to you

find me in my bedroom
asleep on sheets sanguine maroon
worry not, I intend to wake up soon
curtains drawn against the light intent to preserve the gloom

see you tomorrow after a long day
not knowing that's the last thing you'll say
for I do not intend to stay
see me tomorrow it will be a long day

hi, if you're trying to reach me i'm not available at the moment
these feelings I'm feeling simply just won't end
I'm too stubborn to help, to convinced I won't bend
and then I break

so let us go then you and I
when the morning begins to peak out that twilight sky
I've gone ahead I fear,
maybe I'll see you in a few years

rain on my window
good whiskey in my insides
sad songs in my ears

if i convince myself that being with you will make me happy,
will that make me happy?
if i trick myself into feeling good
will i end up feeling good?
if i smile and lie to myself that i'm doing fine
will i start being fine?

because "this is good for me", I say
and my litany becomes my reality
and my new neuroses become nevermore
because this is good for me

if i drown myself in loneliness
will that it make me lonely
if i plague myself with inadequacy
will that it make me inadequate
if i flay myself with hatred
will that it make me hated

because "this is good for me", I say
as the carrot is replaced with stick
and my nevermore neuroses begin anew
because this is good for me

fill your heart with the love that you deserve
drink deeply your happiness birthright
trace with fingers, map her body's every curve
and flushed skin setting afire your every nerve
eyes so filled with each other, the only thing in sight
heart pumping, warm blood, lips gently graze
eyes aglitter as the cosmos in twilight
heartbeat athunder with tremulous delight
idle days lounging, loving laze
a love eternal to preserve
stunned endorphin induced craze
fire starter set your heart ablaze

i am unreasonable and afraid
unreasonable because i want someone to understand me
and i am so afraid of opening myself up to be understood
so i am unreasonable and afraid
and i give myself out in teeny tiny bits to people
in minuscule amounts just to feel an inkling of what i want to feel
like a weaning addict
on emotional connection
i sit behind my walls wailing
because i am unreasonable and afraid

it's time to be relentlessly open with myself
it's time to put my well thought thoughts into stylized writing
i want to bluntly talk about me
and this turmoil of feelings that i sit with
a turmoil of unorganizedness not of despair or distress
but more like something always roils to my psyche's surface
and i ponder it for a bit before it's stirred and turned into something else
and i'm scared of losing those thoughts because i'm quite proud of them
and how they constitute the person I am and the person I am trying to be
and so i'm writing them down.

how's that for a preamble?

starting at the top and first are bonds
i want to be the someone for my friends
i dont have the someone that i can reach out to or that reaches out to me
and that's okay
but i understand how alone i feel sometimes
but i can deal with it
but i am not everyone
i'm not boasting im not exceptional
but i understand how **** this feels sometimes so i want to be that someone for everyone
so that they dont have to feel this way alone
and maybe that makes me bold or prying or nosy but i'd rather
be lamblasted than too callous
and i'm so ******* awkward
and i don't know much about much
so be patient with me

scotch and my self slouched on the couch
scotch and my self adrift in mental aether
islets of existence bubble on liquored eddies upward
as I meander through being

stay seated with me o' psyche of mine
stay sated with me ambition of mine
stay your acidic drivings esteem of mine
stay your laced dirge contempt of mine

and just be scotch and me
regally languid howsoever I sit
my seat is then throne for I upon
amber emperor embarking on omniscience

I'm sorry that it took loss to galvanize me
I'm sorry that it had to hurt so
and I'm sorry that I had to rip you to shreds to make me whole

I'm sorry that it's your memory and not you that keeps me going
that I'm only who I am because of who I failed to be in the past

and I'm sorry that I'm not quite there yet.
That I stagnate in mediocrity
that I don't drive myself every day
that I'm always in some frame of a film on loop
of me stumbling and falling and getting up
running two steps
to fall again

I would say I am plagued by inadequacy if I wasn't already ****** to melodrama
and I would say I'm glad you're alright if I wasn't already ****** to inarticulacy
but all I can say is that I'm burning every bit of life I can to be the way I think I should be for you
and saying I'm sorry is part of that
but gritting adamance more so.

your memory is screaming at me today
so I'm putting bits and pieces of myself towards that light in the distance
if all I can be is more than I was yesterday that's enough

syncopate a sentence succinctly
take that thought and
slice and serrate across lines
synth steady and stolid syntax
stitch surrealism to sanity symphonically
scatter sadness, sow sunny spirit
slather language with excess
dole diction in dearth
depose dialectical dogma
dredge dreary dreams and not so drearies
foment formidably
froth and fracture finalities
syllogise spectacular speculation
simplify abtruse abnormalities
whet words wonderfully

you made black look gold
as the pitch curtains cascade and luster
light that shouldn't gleams onyx shimmer
sheens and glimmer angles manifold
you made black be sunlight
scattering shade ensconed dapples
soft embrasure slowly enamors
black is context airily laid
i love the black that reminds me of velvet
the black that echoes of a heavy blanket falling
the black of warm silences between words
but also the black regal sharpness that demands worship
but also the black night sky that beckons eternity
you make black radiant

so you're an e-girl
havin fun online girl
patreon subscribe girl
premium snapchat girl
I'm that white knight
asking you for nudes type
saying I'll treat you right
crying about Chad type
I'm the niiiiiice guy

Shanghai heartbeats human with tumbling turning tiny vessels
it's unbridled chaotic transient transforms envisioned
it's growth and growth irreverent and growth
it's powerful it's frightening it's discordant, it's magnificent

London thrums an overabundance plant bloom on stone crag
ancient, munificent, and sublimely regal it demands
attention, respect, awe and provides plenty justifications
there is an atmosphere I find here where my words fail

Tokyo I find harmonic in its essence,
thrumming and bustling in true city fashion,
yet pocked thoroughly with havens of solace
the quaints and the quicks sprawled out in unity

New York is The City as all other cities are
and it is a cornucopia of cornucopias
as the empirical standard stands tall
densely upwards densely broad ways

Seattle dours in my beloved gloom
spackling stupendous summers in between
gray months incredible
the elements arrive in a conglomerate here

my jumbled bumbles stumble forwards
I fumble, crumble, mumble at a loss for words
help me, I can't even utter two words
you are the culmination I want to walk towards

twice - nice, thrice, and then four - more more more
life is a dice roll, adore, adore, adore

I am the clumsy inept writer
Stringing iamb into iamb hoping to find out what I am
monitor glow and a news feed to keep me out of focus
poor routines and bad basics to make me nervous

So I fumble, stumble, and crumble. Stop.
I mumble and bumble in jumbles. Steady.
Pick it up: one word, two words, three, then forwards

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
where the lights dim low with purpose,
would you lean close to me and whisper with me intimacy?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
when the sky looms sea slate grey,
would you smile me a private gaze with untold joy?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
with the music pulsing just too loud,
would you place your touch on me and command my heartbeat to your fingertips?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room
while my blood flows with thick spirit and your scent swirls spirals,
would you let me breath you in like the only air I know?

If I were to meet you in a dimly lit room,
would I be yours?

she is sunshine beaming brightly
like stubborn lights that refuse to darken
like her skin sun kissed and mediterranean
like her song bird voice scintillating symphonic
and her spectrum she dons likely like light dressed
and the marvel her figure statuesque and stupendous
and the way she commands with implied demand
and the way she ponders athenian mind
and how she giggles unbound, alight
and she is my loss for words
and she is incredible
and, and, and
and wow

good morning light flits through the curtains
creeping softly touching bed sheets
that warmly tenderly press upon
the body sleepily waking.

muscles stretch and soft skin tightens
arms overhead as the morning brightens
yawns and soft murmurs bubble to surface
as the city awakens together with purpose

gold morning grows brighter now
as the sun rises higher and the world wakens together
there's the pull as slumber loses its lover
to the day that steals it away

I think of you when the stars strain against city lights
I think of you with my head cocked back and my drink half full
I'm thinking of you on the road in the spring
When the trees start to flower and my heart starts to beat
To tell me to the contrary that I'm alive today
Today when I think of you and what I didn't do

I think of you on summer nights when the sun's heat sits on earth like your touch on my chest
Burnt heat unceased sprinkled across my heart
I think of you when the foul weather turns me inward
Everything I've done wrong and what's going onward

You're all the mistakes I should never have made
You're the last thing to go when my memories fade

hippic haptic, hearty and hale
hear her song sing in the vale
spindling sparkling soul and sound
see splendor doth dance around

feline flying fair and fierce
feel fate's nose nudge you close
nearer, nearer nascent necessity
never newer love leaps to be

chilled lemonade, fresh strawberries and cream
iced out, relaxing, spring in sunbeams
golden moment, timeless dream
the world turns slower, the second pristine
rejoin in the shade under the tree
walk the road home with childish glee
gyre and gimble, play and tease
through wax and wane til summer sun sets beneath
peals to echoes and echoes ceased
tomorrow! tomorrow! oh please, please?
watery melon, juice fresh squeezed
                  cool beans

I come in the quiet to you in the dark
I come with ennui to you in my heart
I come to you soul
I yearn to be your whole

Let loose earthly tether, simply open
Let loose heady vapor, take flight again
Let loose clearly clear, flow freely
Let me be yours truely

Begin in the center open to oneness
Approach the blossoming flower
Metamorph the self color to color
Cycle the void to totality

Synthesize concatenate and verbalize
Magnanimate, bombasticize, ennunciate
obfuscate, shadow, hide
but touch, feel, and show

i sat these stones and thought new love in the summer
i sit these stones and think old love in the winter

Shakespeare's speech looms an expectant teacher
for my profound profusings on nature
in the colors regal in sunshine in heat
in the drab in the cold in damp so deep

declare! declare! dying Life implores
tell me of love tell me you know
give me your blood, tell me and show

there's no offering for this garden I bring
no tribute of the sort fit for a king
to think love is a lifelong thing

rest the creek, the brook the stream
dear soldier, traveler, pilgrim, dear king
stay and slow father mountain commands
silver wisps of cloud strand stone crown

o father o father there is a dream
I must go I must go I must be leaving
his silent reproach communes and remands
"my son, to me so you may gaze down upon"

"the earth, the mother sleeping tonight"
imperiously meekly father gazes a fondness
mother slumbers 'neath blanket down white
and its here and its here in the earth it is here

the stone and the tree and the river decree
the truth to the traveler the truth he must see
the man who must remember the face of his father

A name in my thoughts
Reminds when I want forgot
I wish it were more

Tonight I write about the girl I love
Tonight I dream my girl I love

To pour my lifeblood steeped with affection
at your word I do as you beckon
I dream I dream I yearn I yearn
My flame forged heart it burns it burns
of love furiously I do
I do love tightly and closely you

Tonight I write to the girl I adore
Tonight I dream the goddess before

For you for you are fantastic dramatic
I am bombastic
In winding words I more clearly declare
I am to lungs as you are to air
And when I give you myself
I do it wholly devout
it is you I cannot be without

I wish the stars embroidered on sheets
that you may take them with you when you dream
I wish the clouds coalesce a bed
that you have somewhere soft to rest your head

Sleep my dear in my loving embrace
Let the warmth of my heart keep the cold at bay
Let the light of my soul wake you for a new day

Dream my beloved of fancy of flight
Give me and let me bear your burdens and frights
Wake my beloved and know I am here
To hold you and love you it's you I hold dear

girl with great eyes
limpid like a sunrise
beauty one might surmise
ardent almost idolize

woman of wild hair
defiant vivid without care
queen imperious conquer the air
a simply stupendous affair

boy of dignified face
countenance aristocratic grace
the goal artists chase
one to set heartbeats apace

smile so kindly warmth aplenty
welcome slowly simply gently
invite and guile tremendous friendly
something to treasure, love intently

no one deserves to be beat down
so low
that they feel they can't go lower
and then even lower than that

of course some people need to be beat down
but not so beat that there is no other recourse
because lower than low is the lowest low can go
so elevate
elevate like me
elevate and be free

tell me if you are hurting
and I will do my best for you
tell me if you are hurting
and I will stand helpless for you
tell me if you are hurting and I will try and try and try for you
I am yours to bear all
I want to bear all for you
I cannot help you and you are hurting
tell me if you are hurting
and I will be for you.

every day is forever without you
slumber slowly slogging sleepily
my waking dream my vital lost
lowly lapping lazily, lover.

i am in madness truly i must bee
buzzing freely in my brain shape of woman
that you do be

i am in madness? if i am then am i?

be lieve and beelieve and believe
be live.

            thoughts scrambled my have you
run through my head pull out my hair

smile on my lips let me gaze on you fair
traipse in a dream traipse in my eye
i am madness let me live let me die let me vie let me and let me

I cannot be you.
I cannot be you and I cannot see you.
and I cannot see you so I must not know you.
But I want.
So, I try.

I stretch strenuous style
I attempt, un-content, not this station, not yet.
I can idolize I can fraternize I can hypothesize, but I can't empathize.

And it makes me mad.
So I try to be you
And i make one million miles a try
Just to make one for my-
self to grow and understand
but to be rigid and to stand
up for myself and not be swept adrift
to vie fora power I surrender to
unsinkable I strive.
I cannot be you but I'll do my damnedest to try.

I'm scared to say
I love you
But so easy I say
I hate you

My hate predominates my love
But the other way around is how I
Want to live
To love and love and be in love

But there's an unexpected permanence
To love but not hate
And that prevents my love
From conquering my hate

I want to love more than I hate
But it's easier to hate than love
I don't know

HE ASKED ARE YOU SURE
I SAID O'COURSE
THE DAY TO DAY IS SUCH A CHORE
I ASK, NAY I IMPLORE
POUR MORE

i am hemmingway in my writing
Ernest thoroughly albeit lost
i am writing about a love i know not
i am writing about a style i know not

whittle and whittle and whittle and whittle
no bard can i apprentice no stream can i harness
coming upon a chrysalis i am
your damnation yokes damningly upon me

alien, unknown this domain i yearn
puncture and disrupt my mantra you must

If I love you, then I love you in parts
The parts of you that I know
Fill me with adulation
Or dislike depending the occasion

The parts of you I don't
Are things I not know or things that I missed
I am here loving you in parts
Despite that you have my heart of hearts

I despise you in bits in pieces and frames
And despite all that I still feel the same
And the same that I feel is absolute
Some sort of computation that doesn't compute.

If I love you in parts then it is deeply so
Each part of you is precious that you must know
I organized and gather my thoughts into stanza
I love you in parts it's becoming a mantra

I love you in parts you've taken my heart