I remember my beautiful friend
with your beautiufl hair
and dimples
your curls
we used to talk about life
about spirituality
i was always jealous of your life
not because I ever wished anything bad on you
but becase it seemed as if from the outside
that you had a loving cool family
that had more money than mine
I felt belonging
that I didn't feel at home
we would meet up randomly
I never realized how littel you actually cared
because I was used to breadcrumbs...
so after you got married
your husband used to stare at me
and it made me feel so uncomftarble
I would stare back
than you wouldn't talk to me
ever again,
it felt like my heart broke so deep inside
its been 6 years
I see on instagram
and I wonder what it would be like,
if we still talked.
Why let a shtty man ruin our friendship of so many years.

I feel so much pain inside
knowing that you are married
I literally couldn't see
how horrible you were to me
because you would mask it
with fake kindness
and because as a women
I was more trained to see that coming
from a man than from someone who was a close friend to me
you met me at such a vulnerable hard period of my life
I had just moved to a foreign country
I met you at a shabbat meal
we bonded over food
at first when we met
I was so attracted to you
I thought you were so beautiful to me
because in those moments you were .
We would go out drinking and partying
and although you were the religious one
you would party harder than me
I remember how so many times you would
leave me for dead
when we were around strange men
in the bars
and I would beg you to stay
to not leave me
I was so drunk I could barely move
and you didn't care
you only cared about having fun
and not about me
so because of you I experineced
so much violence.
I remember how I cried in those stairwells
begging him to stop
how I felt robotic
how you left me all the time
while promising to come back
how you would treat me like dirt
leave me on red
and make up some excuses for why
you are a shtty human ...
now honestly ,
You never once said I am sorry
until I begged it out of you,
you would talk to my roommates
who bullied me viciously,
became their friends
and even rented that apartment
in that house after I moved out
I saw that you got married
and although I would like to feel happy for you
all I feel for you is so much hate anger
and so much immense pain
I don't know why it took me so long
to see how much of a horrible person you are
a wolf in sheep's clothing
and soon you will move back here
and if I ever do see you again
I would love to spit in your face
and say Fk You!
No more to letting people walk all over me
and do as they please
I don't wanna care about being liked anymore
I'd rather be myself be safe and be around those
who actually see for who I am
instead of using me
for their own jealous gain.
Many times the ones who are the worst
are the ones closest to you
that you can't even see
now I am learning to trust the subtle red flags that I feel
when I meet someone so I don't meet a person like you again.

I saw you today,
the man I hooked up with at this time
last year
the one who I really liked
but who was too embrassed to show me off,
the one who only cared about me for my body
but not for my soul
not for who I was,
the one who didn't respect me or my boundaries
I saw you today ,
and I felt stronger
than you
I saw you the real you ,
the one who is insecure
the one who doesn't know how to love or care about me,
If I could tell myself last year
I would say
judge people by how they treat you
and he doesn't deserve you at all.
So today you saw me
dressed up **** and beautifully
just so you could see
that now I am more powerful
I am stronger and I don't let men like you
take me down anymore or use me or shame me
today you stared at me
and I stared right back defiantely
knowing you can't take me down a peg anymore .
Promising to myself
I would rather be single
than settle for a shtty person like you .
That is strength
strength in choice.