Dust specks-settle,
cosying up to the ribbon bound notebooks
bearing your initials.
Burying this artefact,
flawed, fractured there will be no map
to guide you back to this mirth, no breadcrumbs to drop on the earth.
It will be no more than a prologue, a seam unwoven to grab momentary attention
until I sweep all away with steel grip on an exuding artery.
Is Hubris not a deadly sin?
As it lays in tatters at my feet.,
Foolish, foolhardy to have believed that all was a world of Thornfield or Pemberley
more apt is naeive.
The disparate views,that were sent by you undermined by certainty,unhinged the very bolts and nuts that held my infastructure.
Transfixed. Transfigured. Transformed into this 'new'.
Alas the day, arrives anyway the lark sings a merry tune and it thunderstorms, drops leaves life leaves the dew.
To be candid, I pocess within me one last spark it splutters and at times can ignite, for teaching me an invaluble truth.
Unrequited love, This partisan
bear with caution- leaves a scar-  a victim.

The more I heal
the more I cry
the memories
that I have supressed
start to come back to me
and while good,
how hard it is to remember
deep suffering.

All of the times
I would go home with a man
expecting love,
for my naeive heart
was never taught about the real world.

How I was brutally faced with cruelty
how I went to the police
and how they never ever fking cared
how everyone seems to have forgot about me
and my pain ,
how I am someone who has been so forgotten
how I smile and compliment  those who have hurt me,
out of habit
over  the fear of being hurt.

I wish I could stop !
How much I am trying to learn,
how not to just survive anymore
I am trying to learn how to live
for the first time in my life.

I am remembering the dark times
of when I lived on the
kibbutz
and how unsafe I felt there ,
sleeping on the cold floor
freezing
waking up early
breaking myself
sitting alone without friends,
how even my gay friend
objectified me there,
how the man I liked
and who treated me with kindness
couldn't stay.
How he was one of the people who truly  saw me,
how I was fired and sent off without a care in the world.
how the man at the hostel
assaulted me for hours
while I begged and screamed for him to stop
and noone cared except me.
I wish I could forget it all!

It hurts deeply to remember it all
so when people ask me if I smoke,
I now tell them never ,
and if they ask me if I drink I usually say only sometimes,
for it was by those means,
that my trauma came to me
most of the time.

But alas sometimes these things happened when I was sober
but it seemed like everyone else was so drunk with cruelty
and non chalatness to my pain.
I now have to train myself
show myself
convince myself
that good normal people exist,
and its a breath of fresh air and oxygen to see,
for when one is trained to be with cruelty
kindness seems rare,
when maybe it actually isn't,
I was just never brought up with it.
so there is my silent plea
of pain
of wanting to not be with my pain
but I don't have a choice,
sometimes it seems  I have so much of it,
you can see it written all over my face
buried deep in my eyes,
I wish I could  just wash it away
but the only way out
is through,
so each day I allow myself to cry
and with time
It is starting to feel a little bit better.