As I walked down the bridge between masada street and balfour
I saw you pass by,
the gurl who i met
a month ago ,
who I thought was the cutest
chick,
who told me she was from germany
and I gleefuly replied
my great grandparents lived there ,before the war.

As we were talking
I realized her boyfriend had been flirting with me the past two weeks or so,
without ever telling me that he was taken,
which angered me so, I  felt like the world closed in on me.

she bought me a beer we had our laughs
than she left me there tipsy, with my drink in  hand
to run off with her boy toy of a boyfriend ,
in a crowd filled with  people...
the next day she messeged me sayin'
do you wanna hange out?
I said nope I won't hang out with a btch
who leaves me drunk and alone in a crowd full of noise angst and chaous,
and as I saw you today
all I can think of is that,
and a friendship that could've been
but thank god it just wasn't .

what if
we get to be happy
we get to get what we want
what if we can choose to be ourselves
to live life out loud
yesterday
as I danced on the dance floor
and I saw all of the old men
that I used to like
I didn't feel anything at all
just a joy that i chose myself
over them
that I get to dance
and live my beautiful non religious life
that I chose for myself
that in so many ways
I chose peace over terror
over chaous over drama
I chose myself
over my traumatic past
I chose me
over the men
who hurt me and used me
I chose me
over the girlfriends who used me and abused me
I choose to listen to myself
when I feel the vibes are off
I choose me
over the bad
I choose me always
I choose my inner child's joys
I choose to look weird
and to feel happier
I choose to dance in the streets
from joy
from the beautiful music
swimming through my veins
I am choosing to heal myself
my life and my traumas
I am choosing to believe
in the goodness of the world
of people
even though for so long
I have mostly only seen and noticed
the darkness
the bleakness of life
I feel aged inside as if I have lived thousands of years
of darkness
who is finally waking up to something else
to choosing something new
perhaps for the first time
who is choosing to end cycles of pain
that has been in my bloodlines for so long
I choose for me
I choose to live with more gratitude
I choose to cry
I choose to feel
I choose to breathe
I choose to believe  
I choose to see
how beautiful the journey
can be.
I choose.

It seems this week all I have done
is cry cry cry
loudly quietly
for hours
on and off
like tears dripping down
off window panes
like rain on cloudy nights
maybe that's why I always felt alone
with my pain,
in the rain .

Its like when the world cries
I feel at home
when there was chaous around me
I felt all right
I am healing
but deep within this
is the pain
that I have never grieved,
and **** is it deep
the pain
of never truly being loved
by my family,
the pain of  the holidays
growing up,
of the constant yelling
and feelings of rejection that I carried
with me,
from my parent's silent and loud pains
from the fact that I can't talk to my family or my old friends anymore
because they weren't ever truly kind for me or too me
and now especially now with this pain
I can't handle them
the pain of craving
people and relationships so deeply
but I just sit there quietly numb
in pain
laughing hiding concealing
making sure not to share too much
because it would show my" darkness"
that gets me swept away in it
to lie and tell others
"yes I have family  to go to for this
Rosh hashana ".
when really
I HAVE NOONE!

To lie about me and who I am
because I fear many don't want to know
and I have learnt to share my real truth,
when I know that I can trust.
It just feels inauthentic to me,
but I need protection.

Truth is
I give off a tough exterior
with my tough eyes
and piercing stares,

But really inside
I am a deeply soft
deeply feeling loving
and kind deeply hurting person
who feels that these things are not really seen
in this world,
at large
and this is why most of the time
I save my tears for private
and while I sometimes dance in public
most of the time
I glare and stare
instead of smile .

It took me so so fuking long
to realize what you did to me
I saw you today walking down the street
you piece of sht
when I asked you about your mental health
you told me you have great mental health
well no wonder
your a predator
a manipulative abusive
piece of sht
I am so so angry
I was trauma bonded to you for so long
You payed for all of my meals and pertended to be such a gentleman
I actually thought you were different than the rest
that I had met
after you came into my life
and broke me
I stopped dating and everything pretty much
I am so so angry
the anger feels like chaous inside
whats' more messed up
is because of all of the trauma that these men have put me through
I have been in so much pain for so long because of all of the unprocessed trauma
FK you
I will rise up
claim myself
and live a beautiful life
and get better and better with time
as a gaint FK You to you and to all the other
men who stole my innocence joy and love from my heart
and replaced it with so much pain for the longest time
and tried to bind me to you
but thankfully I got out
no longer a slave to other people
only in service to myself.

slowly
everyday I wake up
push through my trauma
my trauma responses
journal
take care of myself as best as I can
for even during war time
my old traumas are triggered
I am learning to love myself
still
to protect myself
to still heal myself
even in times of chaous
to still carry softness in my heart
for people
to still learn to have compassion and empathy
to still love even in times of hate
to still light candles of
hope and of prayer