"LOOK!" So quietly you choose to speak...
I hear the sweet vibrations of your voice
my eyes lift to search a dark night sky
and you say, "There! Did you see?"
miles distant, shadowy light flashes
flickering over the mountain shades
lightning slicing through that atmosphere
and I answer you, "Yes.
"I wish that the thunderstorm was here."
you respond with your enigmatic silence
yet still I strain my ears
hoping to somehow maybe hear something from inside of you
even just a faded echo of your unshared thoughts
because you are my deepest desire
it's you alone that I most desperately crave
I'd sacrifice everything I have in this life for you
for only just a fleeting moment, I would
a moment in which you were solely mine,
worth more than I could ever have to give
my very soul cries out, agonizing, for you
my heart begs for your love to fuel it's own love
my flesh, my bones and blood burn to feel the warmth of your embrace
my lips quiver at only a thought of brushing against yours
my entire being tingles and aches to find solace in your affections
I'd rip my very soul from my deepest depths and place it in your hands
my heart I'd also eagerly tear right out of my chest
my promise, my solemn vow I'd gift with my bleeding wounds
never would I- could I, forsake you
if I could keep you, keep you, I would, indeed
a treasure I'd never relinquish willingly
passion, grace, unconditional love, yours forever and free
A picture of these, my most fervent of prayers and dreams...
split- second bursts of color and light
electricity, a bringer, a conveyor of destruction,
birthing fires in the brush and trees, and, mocking, denying me my love...
in that far away storm, a creeping portrayal; image, stretching wide:
I see a vision of your cherished face
I feel unbearable, disabling pains commencing
there's unfathomable sorrow, misery within me
I realize my heart is about to crack, break, shatter to dust and ash
no mind to how great and vast my love for you
no heed to my willingness to give up everything; anything
I glimpse it all in that fraction of a second
those stars; twinkling eyes, tell me an entire story, at the speed of light...:
so unfortunate, that you won't be mine now,
never else either, shall you ever belong to me
my gaze is drawn away, and departs from the place where the mysterious and celestial dwell
relinquish their view of power unleashed, blinking far off, in the sky above
I turn my head; swivel towards you,
for dire, is my need to take in every aspect of your beloved face...
maybe I'd misunderstood; maybe I'd been mistaken,
maybe a bit tired, rather easily confused,
or perhaps, it was a lie that the lightning storm's vision, sly and sneaking, portrayed...
but I can see the tangible, physical you, before me right now,
and, the truth - - -
(which I cannot positively know, for certain,
perplexed and having some doubts...)
- - - an obvious, unpleasant, ugly reality...
my tears have already begun brimming, as I watch, through a blurred void,
and prepare, because that mouth of yours is, once again, opening to speak
a bullet, slivers, pierce through to my soul when I hear you softly utter my name
"Alex, what's wrong? What is your problem now?"
how can you be so oblivious, as I feel so transparent? I ask,
but only to myself; not in such a way for you to actually hear me,
giving you, instead, yet another of my head shakes; slow, speechless reply...
I'm broken, and it's painful when you look at me,
what if you were to notive the sadness and hungry longing buried within my eyes?
please, please don't you look at me!
all of your questions, I'm incapable of answering,
never could I openly share with you how I so intensely feel
my fear of rejection has given me an answer in your stead
and, thus, this love shall go on only inside of me, in silence, secretly
despair, loneliness, burdens so heavy; wicked,
thick enough to rot me inside-out...
torn down, destroyed by love; my very own love - - -
(mine, a love undescribable... immense, immeasreable love;
love which was borne of my seeking indifference, but finding you...)
- - - until my savior of death comes,
will be working diligently to ******, slowly and bitterly, my life force
and impatiently, I'll live out the remainder of my days waiting and suffering;
looking forward to the moment when my black-robed executor shall, at long last, come,
and set me free of these suffocating bindings scarring, straining my heart...
for without you to hold, I am empty and lack purpose
I've no other hope on which to let the weight of my hurt bear
still hoping, inanely, for some unforseeable chance;
a growth of buds sprouting forth from the blooms of God's grace...
"Alex...?" oh, the way you say my name...!
"Say it if you have something to say!"
but still, once again, I say nothing at all,
just give another of my small, weak, neck-twist type of shakes;
a minuscule gesture that gets neither of us closer to anything, or anywhere...
I wipe away, quickly, a single tear that's escaped to leak down my face; slide down my cheek
you are the happiness of my world; my everything,
and yet, here I am, excruciatingly frightened, and left alone with that fear
paralyzing terror, stalking, menacing me into remaining silent;
horrors feeding my tentative heart cruel and brusing, nasty notions,
convincing me it's my destiny to uncover a crushing ruin of defeat, unavoidable,
if ever I was to make an effort to reach out
pitiable... I'm a motionless, frozen captive to its stagnating, discouraging taunts,
a demon, so intent upon pushing me to my hope's final demise...
until then, I'm just some pathetic subject to ludacrous torment; prisoner to torture
shuttering, I hear gleeful whispers in my ear - a surreal voice saying that all my fears could,
maybe, just possibly, maybe, be a confining falsehood; a tower of cruel lies...
...but then again, how could I ever find out and know for sure...?
condemned I am, by my own terrors; haunting fears of loneliness and rejection,
and so, I suppose, I'll never discover what you truly think and feel...
as I sit here, the passenger in your car, I'm so desperately wishing,
~ wishing that my lips and tongue could remember how they used to work;
~ wishing, so fervently, that my mouth, sewed, cemented, and stapled shut,
would somehow break itself open, and then, free, suddenly speak,
something! anything! any words at all!
a simple sentence could potentially be sufficient; could be enough to break these chains, to set my thoughts free...
perhaps, all it would take, language - me, bringing myself to fearlessly say,
"John, do you think you could ever love me?"
but no, I stay void of speech or sound
for now that's it, and there's no more to do - that I can do...
maybe the strength to ask will arrive on another, different day,
only, I hope, that if that could be true, it won't be too far off from now,
because, by then, it may have gotten to be too late...
SILENTLY, secretly, my very pulse screaming of my emotions;
declaring, to no one other than myself, my feelings, my love for you...
and without my vocalization, you just may never know,
but still, sweet man, my beautiful John, I so very greatly love, love, love,
everything about you...

There She lay,bare,naked,
lost,in a decoupage of dreams,
Mesmerized by Faces,
Faces with the same eyes,
the same smile,His smile!
She dreams and She is happy.
She feels him,His touch!
His  Hungry lips on  Her soft lips
His cheeks brushing Her Own,
His fingertips playing  on her
slender neck in upward
and downward movements.
His  dry mouth ******* sweet  nectar
from Her milk honey pulped breast.
His thighs brusing her long silk legs,
He nourishes his prey,with effection,
tender care,love and protection.
He feeds her with his Warmth,
misting the cold glass with his breath.
The mosaiced glass which traps Her
soul in a lonely scared desperate world.
He breathes her in,He gives her life
He gives all  that He is, to Her,
Her flesh molds with his own,
She moans,they  sweat,He sighs,
making love to her,gently,
as She begs Him for more.
There She lay,bare,naked,
lost in a decoupage of dreams,
The clock tick -tocks the time,
and ,the dream soon gone.
He kisses her forehead,
wraps her in a red blanket
of passion and yearn,
till he returns,till he finds her,
and splashes Her life
with water colours
once again. . . . . . . .

spitting blood nearly dead almost passed out in an open field
freshly wounded bug bit I'm still reeling from your open nails
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
running from intimacy like you learned to run from your truth
strung out on self reliance a product of my loveless youth
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
rolling in the wake of the end of my self induced apathy
finally processing the hurt from when you laughed at me
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now

and do you hear me now? Screaming drunk off my anger on my phone in the parking lot
finally unleashing hell on you for everything you're not
and all that you pretended to be
all that you said to me
like some godless lover across the pillow in your bed
all your sentiments sounded so pretty coming from the hole in your head
well you never followed up
so let me follow through
left hook to your pastel pride
and a right hook to all I thought was true
Your love isn't perfect it's bruised
Your grace isn't saving it's used
as you used me to use him to break back through
here's to you

wiped out in the backseat crying like I thought it'd never end
bruising restless and breaking I know now you're not my friend
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
Brusing my fists and biding my time finally awake
I realized in your hands I had had all I could take
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now
and if you could you'd see that I'm not happy, but I'm finally my own
you'd find that I am not a queen but I never need a throne
I wish you could see me now
I wish you could see me now

and do you hear me now? Screaming drunk off my anger on the phone in the parking lot
finally unleashing hell on you for everything you're not
and all that you pretended to be
all that you said to me
like some godless lover across the pillow in your bed
all your sentiments sounded so pretty coming from the hole in your head
well you never followed up
so let me follow through
left hook to your pastel pride
and a right hook to all I thought was true
Your love isn't perfect it's bruised
Your grace isn't saving it's used
as you used me to use him to break back through
here's to you

Almost twenty years later
starting to gain ground
Understanding comes bitter and sweet
always believeing  I was ahead
foolish
always believing I was so strong
denial
always avoiding the issue
truth

Truth is
fear has led to defeat
Harsh times
led to retreat
For no other reason than fear
Bigger problem is letting go

Inexperience still wallows in the cavity my being takes hold
Smothering in fear of losing
Holding so tight
everything is brusing
Bones so tense
its confusing
Anxious over absolutely nothing
So *******  needy it is crazy

Got too much time
been around people too long
forgot that it is okay to be alone

I see blood red, when I close my eyes
And black falling stars, when I open my eyes
A darting arrow, right across the sky
With my name engraved in the sky

Rain of prickly thorns, brush through my skin
Stretching, brusing, tearing my skin
The strength to lift myself, is no more
The once life filled body is no more

Shattering leaves sing, dead songs
No rhyme or rhythm matches the songs
A distant footstep sheds a little hope
But it seems a delusion, a false hope



©sim

The snowflakes
they taught me
that something so
blindingly soft
can set delicate skin alight
Causing scorched red fingertips
I set my hands on fire as I bury them
A white inferno
Because memories
these memories
are screaming at me
A cauldron of tender moments and anguished faces and plans that have yet to be fulfilled, and never will be, and brusing and dying dreams and brilliant words laced with tired tones
And I wish I could burn them, the memories, like photographs
In a blaze, they'd all disappear
nothing but smoke, a warm whisper, of something forgotten
But the snowflakes
they taught me
the pain is only present
when I stick my hands in too deep

Maybe to disassociate
Is the only way
"Like maybe that's alright
Maybe it's okay"

But
Then it all hits you at once
Speeding bullet subway train

Your body has been void for years
Your organs have already melted, rotted, and withered
away

And when that happens
There's no going back

You wake up in the morning
Every morning
and
Instead of brusing your teeth
You look in the mirror and ask yourself

Who the **** am I?

And your brain goes empty

So.
utterly.
*******.
bleak.

I'm just a sad girl,
Smiling
Navigating the world.

Its not trendy,
Been crusing
And brusing, myself,
since the early 90s.

Its neat.