Sometimes I hate myself,
when i'm lonely
and no one's around.

When I was younger,
Mommy used to call me a ******,
Daddy used to call me dense
and then punch me harsh as an addict, addicted
me to pain.

I Used to wrap cords around my neck,
take lines to an addled brain:
crazy with masochistic Peter Rabbits,
tangling up their ears,
in mangled mesh wrapping.

Take sleeping pills till
I couldn't sleep ever again, from all the nightmares I was having.

But Mommy still laughed,
Daddy still hawked.

******* cry.
Don't tell your mother I'm drinking.

So no,
I can only love in one way.

Since you called,
I've been writing,
here and there,
truthfully,
skinning the night,
searching for meat.

I've peeled back
the clouds: crimson,
the sky: split,
the stars: lit like the mossed edges of a scab,
the cosmos: a ****.

I'm getting weary,
all of this beneath me,
the earth becoming
a speck of dust:
absurd.

The kind of hurt you like to dole:
still there.

Can't I be an astronaut in peace?

Do you like the flattening of me,
into a pancake
like the night:
hammered and nailed
across the hemisphere?

I am the gravity-crushed,
the soul-sored, the black-hole ripped.

Opened and steaming,
I'm under the sky.

The emergency room of the brinking night drugs
and
a story of gleaming scars is my heart.

You are a ******* drunk,
you *******,
*******,
*******
horrible person,
you.

God,
when the time comes
it will be like
redemption.

The tipping will tip over,
and the balancing
will balance out.

Go **** yourself in a corner,
go drown.

Fine. I will take all of this with me,
into a torrent,
I will consume and consume,
distill and distill,
spew and spew,
me,
that *******,
*******,
*******,
drunk.

Travelling down a broken, dark highway,
delight bending.

Cops pulsing behind us,
in the rearview,
creamed by streetlamps;
the cars
whittle to bad stars behind us.

No hot humans allowed on the road
tonight,
and it's foggy in the dashboard,
the dictum of the reepers.

I'm taking the time out to say
that over the years my hair will gray

so long as this wisdom wise
fails compromise

so long as the promise lies
fails remise

so long as our love cries

I'm taking the time out to say
that over the years our hair will gray


Despite the way I feel today.